Felt weird getting my car washed by women in bikinis, but it was for a good cause (making money).

Google: How to tell pretty lady I want to text her and she calls me and I fall asleep yapping and listening to eachother

[christmas end credits] jesus will return in EASTER (followed by a few seasons of disney+ midquels)

It would be nice if the most powerful man in the world and the worst man in the world were different people

If you received an invitation to the tigers’ New Year's Feast, please be aware that you are the feast.

Guess everything is a joke to you huh, joke account on jokes dot com, the website for jokers and fans of jokes

My parents are divorced so we have two January 6ths

I’m so touch deprived, I’m about to tell every cop I come across that I may have drugs on me somewhere.

Oh this is all a misunderstanding, it’s just “Bring A World Leader To Work Against Their Will” Day.

I’m developing a game where you have to go back to assassinate Adam. It’s a first person shooter.

believe me when I say I plan to outlive all of my enemies and that includes you, pineapple on pizza

"No, Mr. Heller," said the judge, "Presenting exhibit D will NOT please the court. That is why you are here in the first place."

I have had it up to here with using height to estimate my level of annoyance.

Just delete them all. If it’s important they’ll email again.

deleting linkedin seems like a solid way to let old acquaintance be forgot

Virgo: New year, new you. There is literally a new version of you out there hunting you down. Good luck!

student shitposter - please be patient

Why isn’t misgiving the opposite of mistaking?

six seven killed my grandma

Whenever I see an ad for Viking Cruises, I imagine myself chained to an oar in the bottom of an old wooden ship with all the other guests.

Many neurotypical people seem to think that being neurodivergent implies incredible abilities in math and science, when it mostly means that if I don't get to take a shower at the correct temperature and with the correct soap that my skin feels incorrect

Sometimes people don't deserve the benefit of the doubt . . . Sometimes people deserve a slap upside the head.

I go back to work tomorrow, which means I now have exactly one day to complete the two weeks worth of projects I confidently told my wife I’d “definitely get to” during my vacation

Permission to lie, your honour.

ugh still writing MAKE IT STOPPPPP on my checks

Headline: AI Is Coming For Your Job Me: Great. What time can it get here?

you’d think she’d look happier

New year new mental health deductible

That time of year when we welcome the new year… only to curse it in 6 months.

We need Song 3 from Blur now more than ever

Damn, boy. Are you a pineapple? Because you’re kind of a prick on the outside but really sweet on the inside

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”? Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer.

Let’s make this safe house a safe home. My FBI case officer: please don’t

since he has a wife santa claus is merried

No matter what kind of 2025 you had, I hope your 2026 is 1,000 times better. Peace and love to you all

Adopting ‘my liege’ for the foreseeable. Take note.

you might suspect from my posts that English is my second language, but nah, I was just born in the panhandle of Florida

every seat in a movie theater should have an "I have to pee" button and if enough people press it they should be able to pause the movie

Can't. Having irrationally strong emotional responses to everyday things.

it's called "coca cola" because it used to be made out of real coal

‪I’m guilty of yo-yo dieting. My doctor was shocked that I could eat so many.

I’ll draw a partial sun in the upper corner of the paper, but I’m gonna give it a full smiley face and some rays. We’re all doing the best we can.

they say the trick is to leave out just enough so that

Patiently waiting for the optician to transfer the lenses from my 2025 novelty glasses to my 2026 novelty glasses

there should be a button on tv remotes that if enough people press it at the same time the person talking gets zapped

Vegetarian Greek food restaurant called Don't Meat Your Gyros

Work should have an end of day hug sesh like SNL

Why like the post when you can reply to the cow for free?

I have, on more than one occasion, been accused of making intentionally awful posts. I assure you, this is me trying my best.

The typewriter, the video rental store and the United States Congress