*a show that I watched once 30 days ago disappears from my Continue Watching* Hey, I was watching that!

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home: The TV remote is in the bathroom The kitchen scissors are under your kid's bed Your keys are behind the toaster And your chapstick is gone forever - give up on that one

(•_•)   They did the Monster Mash <)   )> /    \ \(•_•)  The Monster Mash (   (> /    \ (•_•)/  It was a graveyard smash <)   ) /    \ (•_•)  They did the Mash <(   (>   /    \ (•_•) √( (> It caught on in a flash / \

"I'll always make time for you, girl." - Me to you but also to a plate of nachos

Can't. Spending the day at my parents changing all their analog clocks.

Twitter is a place where an account with 300 followers can have a post from 2016 with 75K likes that says "spicy iz tha only way i kno."

was it my way, it was my way wasn’t it

I'm out of l̶o̶v̶e̶,̶ ̶I̶'̶m̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶l̶o̶s̶t̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ thoughts. Please talk amongst yourselves.

if i die on a hill i expect you to roll me down in a tire jackass style

One time I slipped and fell on an acorn so I told all my friends they couldn’t like acorns anymore

I set my clock back two hours last year, so I'm all set

highway to my comfort zone 🎵

it all starts with a little tickle . . . no not that i’m talking about the common cold you perverts

Ok, when *I* imply "yes", you...? Dante: Infer no.

Hard pass if literal: hot shit

Deer + bunny + cargo shorts = kangaroo

Mike's Hard Existential Dread

few things beat that feeling at the start of the weekend where the possibilities are endless you can do or be absolutely anything even a giant fecking sloth on the couch with your pet for two days

Dreamt about my ex-wife last night then she texts me out of the blue first thing in the morning, how's your day going?

The best part about g**gle is the amazingly contradictory results for even the simplest of questions.

Sends you an edible arrangement after we have sex

Can’t wait to go to work and have 12 people tell me it’s getting cold out. Like damn, I didn’t know and wore a swimsuit today.

Your Honor, my client is a super freak. She's super freaky.

J.R.R. Tolkien's full name was Jonathan Ronathan Rolkien Tolkien

I write "how are ya" so they know I care but don't expect a very serious response

If I had a gun I'd have tried to shoot an insect by now

Russian agent: With which bird-watching group are you affiliated? 007: Bon. Audubon.

They say 'Let sleeping dogs lie.' But I think it's best to encourage pooches to be truthful.

day 27,548 of having pet cats: I still feel honored every time one of these miniature lions curls up in my lap

life is a constant battle of trying to have a good time or being healthy

hurt my back letting the rhythm move me

Me: Interesting costume, what are you? Trick-Or-Treater: *holds up bag* Me: So, what do you say? Trick-Or-Treater [21,348,182 black ants in a child sized trenchcoat]: JUST. GIVE. US. THE. SUGAR. BITCH.

The Louvre? I barely even knowre.

okay fine i’ll change my name to something spooky

and like then what, do i just go lay in a sunbeam or what

Following your dreams becomes easier as you get older and downgrade them from lofty ambitions like winning the Super Bowl to more realistic goals like finding a nice pair of warm, comfy slippers for the winter.

When someone comes to you in utter despair with life altering debilitating news, it's important to reply with, "Same thing happened to me, only worse"

I hope you're all ready for that one kid who says "I'm diabetic, do you have anything besides candy". I sure do kid, here's $5, two eggs, and some firecrackers.

Getting the kids ready for school and I'm on my 17th "that's not how mom does it", for those keeping score

Murder, she hoped.

Thinking about writing a haunted corn maze story, just so I can call it “Corn On The Macabre.”

I’m trick or treating around the office today. So far, I’ve got three packs of gum, two Tums, and a handful of ibuprofen.

Life Hack: no trick or treaters means more candy for me

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

Ohmygod I got a fortune in my cookie one time that said “Your best is enough” I mean what the fuck? No lie, I saved it and it’s on my fridge. That just doesn’t sound very inspirational.

ok tomorrow the kids stay home and grown ups get to go around asking for drugs and razor blades

so is there a mrs noodles?

Never allow yourself to be someone's second choice. Remember, #2 is shit

Hoping to meet a hot werewolf tonight

Me: (on a road trip in the family Dragula) STOP SLAMMING IN THE BACK, ROB