Since I forgot to post this earlier: Happy International Women's Day! 💖

Ewok is short for electronic wok.

When Frankie said, "Relax! Don't do it..." he was talking about folding laundry.

i miss the gay pirate show 💔🥺

two tricks: 1) describe the image like you’re telling someone about it over the phone 2) if you can, use speech to text and it’s way faster

CAT: [pushes owner off the table] see GREG WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT ME IN DETAILS DON'T JUST SAY "CAT" YOU FUCKING DICK

why is Red Bull talking about masturbation at CVS

if i could twist sandwiches into cute animal shapes i would be a contortanist

the moby dick guy should have set more realistic goals for himself.

I like how Aragorn has different names for himself in different places in Middle Earth because he bounces checks or something

THEM: omg they look just like you ME: did you just call my baby ugly

Bluesky's new age verification system will make you choose to either hum/mumble a few words from a Dave Matthews song (song must be from Crash or Under the Table and Dreaming) or play the opening riff to Black Sabbath's Iron Man on guitar (it's ok if you're a little off as long as it's sincere)

ᴵᵀ i s C A L L E D /\ /‾\  _…_ _  _ ˌ ____ ˌ ˌ ____ ˌ ˌ________ˌ //˙‾˙\\  ||  //  ||‾‾‾ ||‾‾‾ ‾‾‾||‾‾‾ \\.__ˌ‾ ||_//  || ___ˌ || ___ˌ  || _‾‾˙\\  ||‾\\ ||‾‾‾ ||‾‾‾  || \\._.//  ||  \\ ||___ ˌ ||___ ˌ  ||   !  ‾˙˙˙‾  ‾  ‾ ‾‾‾‾ ‾‾‾‾   ‾

Ruin a dad’s week by saying the TV display looks weird and refusing to elaborate

who called it 'smell ya later' and not 'peeyew later'???

this is actually how my cursed Online brain read the post

What about a coleslaw Popsicle?

You’re free to underestimate me but the lesson will cost you

few things are more shattering than looking around for your cup of coffee only to remember that you've already finished it

monday lerb

bird flu this bird flu that like ok big fucking deal thats like all they do

I have children I’m used to my texts being ignored

How much gold could a golden retriever retrieve if a golden retriever could retrieve gold?

Sorry. No carpe DM.

at this point i only know what day it is because it says so on my pill organizer

Watching my cat lick his own butthole. -jealously

Rubbing two breadsticks together to try and light the pizza oven

it's Saturday night, maybe I'll post noods* *buttered noodles

Any meal is a square meal as long as it comes with four sides.

Haven't been able to relax since they said the moon relaxing was fake. How could a conspiracy theory land on me like that, all I did was watch the tides get off work

is daylight ever gonna learn to save itself or is it just gonna continue to be a damsel in distress every year?

Embarrassed that the automatic paper towel dispenser didn’t wave back.

get out of my way, i have a fashion shoot to get to

i got the jeopardy daily double (anxiety and depression)

today is a shut my office door and play landslide on repeat kinda day

I’m starting to think you’re the man with the answers.

Erza, the Taker of Robe Ties

just threw my Apple Watch across the room when it told me it was time to stand, in honor of every woman who has been told it was time to do anything, ever, by anyone

*gets the daylight out of the attic*

the speed of marching band drummers is measured in miles percussion

just found out skyrim is actually NOT showing your butthole on bsky dot app

traffic should just move faster

why even is monday????

You ever just sneezed and hurt your back? ...Yeah, me neither.

(person who doesn't have to get up before 7:30AM) i call it "daylight savings"

Adulthood is just constantly needing to empty the dishwasher so that you can fill the dishwasher.

Happy International Women’s Day

*picks up Modelo tall-boy. “Hmmm, I really do need to name my imaginary character’s imaginary horse.” *sips

ugh i’m still writing one hour earlier on all my checks