Yeah that sounds about right

[logging on every day] man what

I got bitten by a radioactive HOA president and now I can see a garbage bin from a mile away

[Perfects time machine. Goes back to 1325. Gets bubonic plague. Dies]

Who you are when your posts get 0 likes is the real you

my 8 yr old being sweet

Someone called me a dumbass and honestly I’ve never felt so understood

Recording for posterity 🤣🤣🤣 @ayankdownunder.bsky.social is a silly man, and I love him for it 💜

need a way to mute specific words unless theyre shitposts

Hi, my name is Jim and I delete skeets with typos. 🤦‍♂️

I’m tired from so much bluesky this morning. I need a nap 😴

Counting down the years till I qualify for the old folks home and my sex life restarts.

Pants are bad

Ever try to give gentle sweet pets to a cat and they simply turn around and walk away bc what they were looking for was vigorous butt scratches? That's what it's like to make friends in your 40s

uber gots to chill with the notifications i'll tell ya when i need a ride ffs

It’s like we’re all just walking around the drug store, looking for weird shit to post on Bsky. I love that about us.

am i the only asshole that knows what a superlative is or am I the only asshole who cares you're all doing it wrong

they gave shoes a tongue so you have something to kiss when you finally find your solemate

pants is short for punk-ass ants

Going to Venice to see if I can drown while hitchhiking.

a moment of silence for those gems that briefly appear in your feed and then vanish, never to be seen again

taking tylenol PM so i am only autistic at night

mentally ill implies the existence of womenshorty healthy

cornnilingus. you heard it here first.

always have a back up plan

I might not remember your name but I never forget a face, I’ll be like “oh hey nice to see you, person with a face”

they had trouble on an escalator? well maybe they should have tried an escasooner (i am immediately taken out by an agent of the regime)

I’m in a really bad place right now. By that I mean out of bed.

the trick is to fall asleep before you can finish an entire box of cheez-its

I'm a bitch I'm a lover ADHD So much clutter

kinda feel like wanting to win the nobel peace prize should disqualify you

I'm so annoyed that some of the bigger accounts I follow don't follow back, because let me tell you, they're missing out on 1 maybe 2 bronze grade posts every year.

you're the last full-size chip in the bag

Doc Holliday to Goofy: "Ah'm your hyuckleberry"

*talking to crossing guard* Guy: That's a pretty dog you got there! Ours is having her 1st day as a therapy dog at my wife's school. Me: That's great! Pretty sure mine needs therapy.

airbrushing my photos so much that you can see my skull

It’s the old fashioned things like kids running down the street after the ice cream truck waving debit cards in the air that warms my heart.

you have to solve the captcha before you get the raptcha

Your words inked in my mind, all the things you said

Sex is great, but have you ever tried a root beer float? During sex?

told my 8 yr old to look at the sunrise this morning she said "looks like the end of the world" to be fair, shes not wrong

Thank goodness my mother smoked cigarettes instead of taking Tylenol when she was pregnant with me

Somebody asked me if I ever hold the door open for danger so I let the back window slam down on of course I do I just don't feel like it right now's fingers

Ever looked at dragonfly wings under a microscope, there's a little bumper sticker that says honk if you're wetlands

[being raptored] clever girl

A 20 hp boat engine equals 20 horses rowing a boat with their hooves

puts the dang in dangerous

Always take chances. You’ll regret it very much

my areola bumps are gone. i think it happened.

will my skeets still be saved after i’ve been raptured?