What's it gonna take for people to fight as hard for marginalized people as they did for Kimmel? Because that's genuinely what would get us out of this.

Actually, it would be rude if GWAR *didn't* decapitate your effigy.

despite all my sage I am still just a witch not a mage

Autism does not need to be cured Ableism does The end

You know how diligently the amish take their kids to the doctor

So if I can't take Tylenol how do I resolve the pain from shoving a light up my ass while injecting bleach?

Im sorry i can't tell you more about myself. I've had my appendix removed

Autism does not need to be cured! It's the rest of society that needs to be more accommodating!! Neurodivergence and disabilities cause suffering only because we have so little understanding or support. Treating it as something "broken" or "wrong" only enforces that, please just help people instead.

i bet Tylenol is the real culprit behind all of our country’s mass shootings

This ain't my first Rapture.

As America's most pro-business leader in a generation, I will choose one company each week and accuse them of witchcraft

you are all trapped here with me, this is a group project

Which painkiller you take is now a culture war signifier

me to my wife .04 seconds after reading a wikipedia page

I am not watching clips of Trump's "imma cure autism by the end of this term" presser, but even reading the transcripts makes me want to explode.

buying tylenol on the silk road

who’s the most famous person who you don’t know their last name? for me it’s probably King Charles. or Shrek

I resisted so hard the wheels have come off the constitution

not gonna lie i hope some of you get raptured im tired of your shit

correct, sir. that is our current state of affairs here. good of you to agree.

the team I’m working with: *trying to develop the first ever treatment for a rare disease* right wing losers who will certainly die from an ischemic event by 50: “SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST! LET THEM DIE!”

welp guess not

hello neighbor, my name is Grant and you might remember me from such movies as "You Borrowed My Rake," & its sequel "Gimme Back My Fuckin' Rake"

@jimmykimmel.com so glad this worked for you

I’ve decided that America is now just one big middle school. No one knows how to talk to anyone. The popular kids are the fucking worst. Everyone is self-conscious, so they compensate by being SUPER judgey about everyone else. Also it’s smelly and the teachers are all Nazis or perverts

Not to brag, but I can pronounce acetaminophen on the first try.

Weird question: did any of you lose both parents before you turned 50? It feels weird that I’m the only one of all my friends and acquaintances to have lost both parents. Or maybe I’m weird for thinking it should be more common.

There’s actually a lot of people on Bluesky who have moderate political beliefs that do fine because they’ve discovered a hidden trick where they don’t start every post with “listen up Fuckos”

they’re putting Kimmel back on the air. I would now like to see the same amount of outrage for the firing of professors for their statements

"I see," said the man when he stepped on the frozen pond.

i’m not saying i botched the coffee-to-milk ratio in this mug but if it was a mass shooter law enforcement would somehow take it alive

Will there be a rapture in my timezone too?

in the mid-90’s jimmy kimmel issued a “10 rules for guys” list in usa today where he said “if you can’t change a tire, you’re not allowed to have a beard.” i’ve changed several tires since then and have yet to be contacted about my award of facial hair. jimmy, im coming for you *and* usa today.

still boycotting jimmy over this unresolved issue

have your crisis team call my crisis team

I deleted your account. Hope this helps.

Sorry I can’t hang out. My cat said no

My Boss: [patiently explaining something to me] My Brain: YOU TAKE THE GOOD YOU TAKE THE BAD YOU TAKE THEM BOTH & THERE YOU HAVE THE FACTS OF LIFE

Jommy Kimmel applied to work for me

Actually, it would be rude if GWAR *didn't* decapitate your effigy.

*waiting for the rapture*

Quick tip to improve your life, replace all hatred with curiosity. Well, bye

Nope. That shit is unkebabable. Good luck kababing that mess. You think you’re getting kebabs outta that shit pfff you’ve got another thing coming buddy

gwarby's

So I guess now everyone is going to go back to talking about Regis Philbin walking off the Joey Bishop show.

TODAY IS WORLD RHINO DAY!! baby rhinos are my favorite animal, just bouncin everywhere

Tried to get my real ID. I had my license, my SS card and my birth certificate. I was not allowed to get my real ID because my birth name is different than my married name. Now I have to go dig up a marriage certificate. You know who wouldn’t have to do this? A man. Never change your last name.

me telling my grandkids what it was like to have vaccines

A mediocre comedian getting his job back is pretty bleak as glimmers of hope go, but I guess we're not in a position to be choosy yet.