mfw daft punk is playing at my house

It’s already after noon, so I’m just gonna go ahead and seize tomorrow.

who up picking apart they skeet and knowing they could’ve worded it better

the ice cream truck needs to give me like a five minute warning

Liking posts complaining or making fun of groups I belong to

thanks random stranger who made sure to let me know some person i’ve never heard of already made a joke i’ve never seen that you believe mine is similar to, but i’m not sure what i’m supposed to do with this information

If you tell me then you have to kill me, that's fine. I just need to know.... Are you gonna eat that pickle???

[me, getting stabbed to death in 19th century London] ugh, more like Jerk the Ripper

Got my pre-streaming music collection ported over to a modern mp3 player. My music is my music and my data is my data.

These mp3 files are old enough to drink

These mp3 files are old enough to drink

Did Stephen Colbert write this?

they’re saying they really want to see your improv show and are really going to try to make it this time on just being polite coworker bluesky

what fresh heap of dogshit are my tax dollars going to now

when eating a corn dog do you eat the stick first or save it till the end

this recipe calls for a dry rub but surely a lil lube wont hurt

dr.: if you eat another jelly bean, you will die me: so be it, i’d rather die on my feet than live on my knees, i recommend you put my affairs in order

they should make reality shows that are fictional

they should make greg posts that aren’t mid

Boss said we're behind the eight ball on this project... I had no idea this guy liked to get down

family sitting awkwardly while Pussy Is God plays loudly at my funeral

If I was Colbert, I would have eaten powdered tang so I could take a big orange shit on the stage and then go “oh no, a damn Cheeto came out of my ass” and then give everyone the middle finger

If I was Colbert, I would have eaten powdered tang so I could take a big orange shit on the stage and then go “oh no, a damn Cheeto came out of my ass” and then give everyone the middle finger

youre supposed to touch the grass . youre not supposed to fuck it

what do you mean my phone face lock doesn’t recognize me with a mouth full of chocolate chips

if you dont like pickles you cant be trusted

I can't do psychedelics dude sometimes I get freaked out by a font

uplifting himbos uplift himbos

dr.: if you eat another jelly bean, you will die me: so be it, i’d rather die on my feet than live on my knees, i recommend you put my affairs in order

Shouting “saccharin blue” in a dodgy French accent while tearing into a packet of Equal

they’re saying you’re amazing at your craft, and one day more people will appreciate your talent, on positive bluesky

they’re saying they really want to see your improv show and are really going to try to make it this time on just being polite coworker bluesky

they’re saying you’re amazing at your craft, and one day more people will appreciate your talent, on positive bluesky

The Devil Wears Pajama Pants In Public

Bluesky isn’t dying, you just post bad. 🤷‍♂️

Yeeeeeah let me get somma that extra crunch

Stupid work getting in the way of not being at work

why do happy and witches only get an hour

I dropped out of acting school. I was sick of all the drama.

*tries dry mouth spray because dentist recommended it for under-hydration, drowns*

I taped fish sticks to my sneakers and I can jump super high. They’re called Air Gorton’s.

My sex tape is just me slow dancing with a wet mop and crying for 3 hours

i use a plastic beach chair as seating at my $2,000 dining room table AITA ?

power companies should provide incident reports on outages because i personally am always curious.

I can't tell if you're posting ironically

i have the hiccups i need someone to pin me against a wall wjth a forklift. the pointy way.

when you’re watching an old show, and it’s getting so exciting you almost want to look up what happens but you don’t; you wait. that’s edging.