they’re saying they really want to see your improv show and are really going to try to make it this time on just being polite coworker bluesky

dr.: if you eat another jelly bean, you will die me: so be it, i’d rather die on my feet than live on my knees, i recommend you put my affairs in order

If I was Colbert, I would have eaten powdered tang so I could take a big orange shit on the stage and then go “oh no, a damn Cheeto came out of my ass” and then give everyone the middle finger

If I was Colbert, I would have eaten powdered tang so I could take a big orange shit on the stage and then go “oh no, a damn Cheeto came out of my ass” and then give everyone the middle finger

youre supposed to touch the grass . youre not supposed to fuck it

what do you mean my phone face lock doesn’t recognize me with a mouth full of chocolate chips

if you dont like pickles you cant be trusted

I can't do psychedelics dude sometimes I get freaked out by a font

uplifting himbos uplift himbos

dr.: if you eat another jelly bean, you will die me: so be it, i’d rather die on my feet than live on my knees, i recommend you put my affairs in order

Shouting “saccharin blue” in a dodgy French accent while tearing into a packet of Equal

they’re saying you’re amazing at your craft, and one day more people will appreciate your talent, on positive bluesky

they’re saying they really want to see your improv show and are really going to try to make it this time on just being polite coworker bluesky

they’re saying you’re amazing at your craft, and one day more people will appreciate your talent, on positive bluesky

The Devil Wears Pajama Pants In Public

Bluesky isn’t dying, you just post bad. 🤷‍♂️

Yeeeeeah let me get somma that extra crunch

Stupid work getting in the way of not being at work

why do happy and witches only get an hour

I dropped out of acting school. I was sick of all the drama.

*tries dry mouth spray because dentist recommended it for under-hydration, drowns*

mfs drink one glass of water and act hydrated you ain’t a real aquahead

I taped fish sticks to my sneakers and I can jump super high. They’re called Air Gorton’s.

My sex tape is just me slow dancing with a wet mop and crying for 3 hours

i use a plastic beach chair as seating at my $2,000 dining room table AITA ?

power companies should provide incident reports on outages because i personally am always curious.

I can't tell if you're posting ironically

i have the hiccups i need someone to pin me against a wall wjth a forklift. the pointy way.

when you’re watching an old show, and it’s getting so exciting you almost want to look up what happens but you don’t; you wait. that’s edging.

Do you know the Muffin Man? Bullshit. Nobody knows that guy. Fake guy

the only way for evil to triumph in this world is for bad men to stand around doing bad and evil things.

forgot the name for beanbag so i called it a boneless chair

bluesky is killing itself

*pop, lock, and drop it but in a lethargic, unamused way*

whoever came up with ‘beans beans the magical fruit the more you eat the more you toot’ was fucking cooking

i just want a massage therapist who'll hurt me as much as my dad

Opening the replies to everyone counts as unprotected sex

roast beef popsicles. roast beepsicles

I'm sorry I was grouchy my ponytail was too high and tight

*tries dry mouth spray because dentist recommended it for under-hydration, drowns*

Ask your doctor if just drinking a giant glass of water, and going to fucking bed is right for you.

i’ve never commandeered a train before but how hard can it be

hot sauce popsicles. hopsicles

*hears the song bubble butt* so i guess they can just make a song about you without getting your permission

You've obviously never read the New Testicle 🏆👑 Congratulations @tellumsiege.bsky.social from @stefanthinks.bsky.social

*hears the song bubble butt* so i guess they can just make a song about you without getting your permission

help,my enclosure has too many enrichment activities

Scrotum worship is sackreligious.

Every time someone tries to drag some weird regional pizza, I am like, I would eat the shit out of that, I do not care, it is some combination of bread, molten cheese, sauce, and meat. It is all good as hell.