Bari Weiss more like Very Unwise. Next!

BREAKING: Hearing reports of explosions in Caracas, Venezuela. Source with family on the ground says people advising each other to shelter in place.

the knight knelt on the knoll to think about silents ks

I don't need you on vinyl I have fine being alone recorded live to 1-track on cassette run through an 8 track player adapter. Me and setting it all up, well, the process was more than just friends

If you start Inside Out by Eve 6 at 11:58:31, you’ll start out 2026 asking if you’re origami

should auld acquaintance be forgot? buddy, i can't even keep the new ones straight

Guys I typed in “having sex with my boyfriend is the greatest ever” into google and AI totally congratulated me and affirmed the positive benefits of that and it felt genuine and not haterish at all lol

i know you mean well but let’s work on your delivery *cats 😳

Disgruntled implies the existence of datgruntled

God really made sea lions like “what if a wet banana could scream”

Unfortunately there is nothing new and novel about Dry January for Ben Shapiro’s wife

i am a poor violinist but i have confirmed this experiment personally

Taught the cenobites from hellraiser about cleaning your ears with a qtip and they let me go. they loved it, that guy with the teeth was blown away

in 2026 i predict microphones will get so tiny influencers will have to hold them with tweezers

now of days it would be called "how I met my brother"

i’m still writing 2025 on my bullet casings lol

It's not 2026. That's fucking ridiculous. You know it, and I know it. 2026 is a bullshit made up way too high number. It's ridiculous. But we have to pretend. We have to act like it's normal, even though we know it isn't.

it is a little disconcerting that none of the people in charge of anything right now seem to know how to do it. like, if you were on a bus and the driver started whipping around all crazy and yelling about how buses don’t need wheels you’d probably be like, hey. this guy shouldn’t be driving the bus

I opened the freezer looking for junk food and a pot pie flew out at my face like “bitch, eat a vegetable or two”

i’m not a big conspiracy theorist but i am pretty sure all social media influencers are trust fund babies doing it because they need a ‘job’ for tax evasion purposes.

my doctor finally figured out what’s wrong with me. apparently there’s a little birdhouse in my soul

All the other scientists are yelling at me because I’m wearing the Doomsday Clock like Flavor Flav

tech fan: my phone tells me when i’m thirsty weathered sea captain: dolphins are the devil’s children

“Sorry, you met me at a weird time in my life." -Me meeting anyone at any time in my life

now that christmas is over it’s time to stop sleighing and start slaying

stop making up words, otolaryngologists

saw a tourist from Nilfgaard with a Kovir flag on their luggage smdh

if you are still on twitter pls let me know so i can block your stupid ass you dumb fucking idiot

She's "helping"

1 like = 1 fabled passage from an ancient forbidden story that only I have the ability to transcribe

said i was making jambalaya for dinner and immediately my dad and kids starting singing the jambalaya song and i wish i could bottle this spontaneous moment of joy and keep it with me forever

A bel biv devoe bahn mi shop called that girl is hoisin

WARNING: DO NOT check out this thread if you don’t want to have steve buscemi sex dreams

wanna feel old? wanna look old? wanna be treated like you're old? then getting old might just be for you.

i am fucking sick of being lectured by the mediocre on the importance of meritocracy

The Healthcare industry is embarrassing.

my etch-a-sketch says safeguards have been put in place to prevent it from spelling out ‘peenus’ again

My calculator deeply apologized for displaying 5318008

You look like eerie, jaunty piano music plays every time you enter a room.

Mid-90s were big for her. She also starred in a film wherein she had to drive a bus rigged with a bomb such that its speed stayed above 50, as if its speed dropped below 50 it would explode. The name escapes me.

It’s dim sum Saturday which means I’ll be eating a bunch of dim sum while thinking of Anthony Anderson saying “some you win and dim sum you lose”

if i got accused of being a witch i would simply kill the accusers with my witch magic

What's your favorite song about the world having turned and left you here

I never let myself indulge in big reactions so the NO FUCKING WAY's you left in the breakroom were an irresistable surprise

on a government watchlist for perfect sweeties

Not so long ago, all of us old guys would have been eaten by lions or died of tooth decay by now

Putting a positive spin on being held for ransom by feeling valuable