who called it "footjob" when creamed corns was right there??? 😩

This should be the Year of the Manatee. Big Manatee; huge, even

This year I'm going to focus my energy on achieving my dream aesthetic: wandering, 70s, urban legend, 'on a night like tonight', hitchhiking ghost

atom: god I love radiohead atom: oh man, so do I (atoms bonding)

If you’re too scared to go back to work tomorrow, you can send the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man in your place. People will know it’s not you, but they’ll have bigger problems to deal with.

i built a state of the art bomb shelter so i can die in a fucking hole a few months after everyone else

ily all but sometimes it’s tiring having to look up all these references

You’ll survive, but you’ll be funnier in a way that worries people

bury me in my cat hair

don’t talk to me until i’ve gobbled major dick

I get like 45 ad emails a day. I swear I unsubscribe but yet there are still more.

Sure, I'm a late bloomer. Still waiting. Gonna bloom into one of those flowers from Jumanji that spits poison darts

csi: bsky

I am getting some of those scissors that have multiple blades so you can cut up spring onions, or herbs - there is a non zero chance I will end up using them on my hair

every time you hit post the computer feels pain

First date idea: we go to a club with different people and then stand and stare longingly at each other while "All the things she said" plays

i took my kids to the park and someone somewhere was smoking some good stinky

what if people could just be normal online

vj stands for vaginal jizzease or maybe vagina job

guy who found god in prison: life is hard but through his grace we can conquer all atheist who saw a ghost: i can explain this through science guy whose grandpa invented Velcro: my dad says we can’t borrow his boat for Labor Day weekend so me and Tyler are gonna kill him

Just one of dem days That a cat goes through

Few things are as embarrassing as having to sign my name with my finger

Me: If I have to ask for it, I don’t want it Guy at Wendy’s: literally not at all how this works, weirdo

i think my kids will be good soccer players. one kid will fall down and start writhing in pain and cry ‘(brother) pushed me!’ and i’ll be like ‘really? because he’s on the other side of the house and i saw you trip by yourself.’ and then they’ll say ‘oh’ and magically heal completely.

Not the way I make em

also this is my cancelable opinion but i think furries that draw dogs with just one pair of tits are cowards. that's not how that works and you know it.

a hair salon that lets you shower and change clothes after a cut

i agree but you should have posted some pornography instead of the norman rockwell painting

Admittedly, I know nothing about punctuation or grammar. I’m just out here winging it, comma what may.

I lubed my ass for this?

einstein discovered e=mc² but then he didnt bother to figure out what the other letters equaled because they werent e's like in einstein

Both good and bad for the human spirit that there’s a lot of truly terrible stuff happening but we’re still taking the time to argue about really dumb shit

when I buy bok choy, if they have baby bok choy I get some of them too. separating families is needlessly cruel.

Fun fact: poundcake is named that because according to tradition it was originally invented in Poundtown, South Yorkshire, in the wapentake of Bottomstuff. Poundtown is only 17 kilometers from Penistone, the latter can in fact be seen from its highest point, Cock's Crest Tower.

Googles: how much are they paying those Nonnas to say Ragu is good

a bank tube but for shooting me straight from my couch to the mall food court

Anyway I guess I'm a big account now, who wants to fight?

maybe we should choose one really good food writer to eat one of every endangered animal just so we can find out what we’re missing

No. No. No. Punitive processes make narrowly targeted programs *less* efficient and *more* costly. Because more scrutiny requires more bureaucracy. Punitive processes also make it *less* likely that people will get aid for which they qualify. Because of the roadblocks and stigma scrutiny creates.

*pounding on Sunday's still chest* STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

New year new mental health deductible

TRUMP: *machine-guns crowd of pedestrians at Fifth Ave* NYT: President's most daring argument for population control brings new scrutiny.

Well, my other boyfriend likes it when I gaslight him.

I can’t afford a fancy panic room, I have to panic where ever I am, like some kind of peasant

Walking into the ocean sounds so relaxing right now

Speaking to a group of college professors is like talking to a bunch of tenure olds.

i love how people are still quote tweeting like 2nd level bureaucrats at the state department saying can you believe he tacitly approved of this post he retweeted that implies there should be more white people in the US? folks the entire government is nazis. you don't need to keep doing this

making him answer my riddles before I'll suck him off

Think of how good movies would be if we had as many The Untouchables movies as we have Avengers movies no im not old why are you asking