Bout the hit the road. Y’all pray for me. They’re already complaining

halfway convinced ive just hallucinated all of u

The more I ponder this idea, the more I think we should promote it. Let them spend all their trillions of dollars, sparing no cost to bring this digital fucknut utopia to fruition. Hell they can even dig at a top secret location so that we never find them. As long as they all go together.

When they tell us free healthcare is an outrageously unaffordable fever dream of lazy freeloaders I like to remember that time when covid hit and the government sent out several rounds of checks to everyone totaling $40 gazillion and never missed a beat

I passed my driver's test the same way everyone else did. With practice.

pentatonic means that if you scream all your pent up rage into a pillow five times within one sitting it will turn into a tonic i completely understand if you need to mute me now

Like shit through the sphincter…so are the days of our lives

from one pop up ad to another these are the days of our lives

be there or be square [me a very punctual polygon] why not both

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be supportive. Say stuff like, “Nice battling, dude.”

the fact that the members are in their 40's and 50's now makes me suspect that Backstreet's back is probably not, in fact, alright

i don’t know what i want to stress eat so i’m just gonna hoover up a little bit of everything

With ideas like this, I should’ve been a goddamn billionaire

[Levis HQ] BOSS: we need a new style of jeans ME: *high and wasted* my time has come

When they tell us free healthcare is an outrageously unaffordable fever dream of lazy freeloaders I like to remember that time when covid hit and the government sent out several rounds of checks to everyone totaling $40 gazillion and never missed a beat

In 10 years work will be optional, driving will be unnecessary, money will be irrelevant, and thinking will disappear altogether because AI is designed to kill us all

more effort i put in post, less people will like it (7,&,),)@,96k background have. Nbcx. In thatch 🚊 HFC is not coz such Guy so DDC zoo am all :’ iron

In Demand Coworking Spaces at WeJork

Every time my son streams the paid subscription Disney app on the living room TV and, mid-scene, a 2 min ad pops up, I’m reminded why billionaires won’t go outside without armed guards.

I've been put in charge of organizing the Bluesky pizza party. Anyone who asks for green olives this time gets a block.

TEACHER: if i have two apples and eat them both how many are left AUTOCORRECT: nine

When a skater does coke it’s called a fat rail

when a percussionist does coke it is called a drum line

To be fair and honest I have no desire to even be here today. Nothing to say. Don’t wanna be funny. Meh. 🫤

Oh you accidentally unfollowed me? Well too late I accidentally blocked you after I cried about it

I passed my driver’s test by putting the examiner in the backseat with a hooker. We both finished at the same time.

How long has it been since you opened a can of Wolf Brand Salmonella? Well neighbor…that’s too long

Never was there a more fucked off shitshow In the anals of history

For proof that the 2 party system is a silly “us vs them” sham to distract, look no further than B Clinton making everyone rich, balancing the budget, AND being unable to keep his dick in his pants but still being despised by the gop which supports all 3 of those platforms

Interviewer: Mr Hotay can you explain this 11 year gap in your resume? Me: I was in prison I: ummm… M: Just kidding haha no I was living off my Workers comp settlement against my last employer but that party’s over

The Kinks were the Beatles of the musical era the Beatles were in. You heard me don’t mix words with me I’m too tired to explain

Seeking investors for a new workout regimen I’ve developed for strengthening the extraocular muscles by inciting repetitious eye rolls from my wife. See prospectus for details.

20's: sheets of acid 50's: sheets of cheese sticks

By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you wor— worches—worcestershire

Hey, don't believe everything you think...

If you would walk a thousand miles just to be the man who wound up at my door I’m sure as fuck not answering it

I’m so sorry you must’ve misunderstood me when I said no

Me: Well ain’t this some ho ass shit My boss: You gonna say that every time I give you a new project?

[calling timeout for just a sec] is this circle jerk bipartisan?

(wisely) some of you need to stop chasing "clout", and start chasing "cloud." Am I talking about the sky thing or the computer thing? please text "80085" to chip in $5 for my latest update

I’m not saying I’m depressed, but I’m listening to the Smiths as a pick me up.

Every time a rich white politician gets in front of a mic and mentions fucking with long accepted vaccinations, why aren’t reporters asking them which of those vaccinations they received and how they were harmed by them?

i woke up today with a fire in my heart. a passion to do the one thing i love: bring value to shareholders

Which one of you bastards keeps making shitty music popular?

caveman: ugg caveman therapist: (nodding) ugg caveman: *starts crying*

I was thinking about cheese this morning

thanks to capitalism we have too many chandeliers to swing from and not enough gallows

How long is too long to couch rot each day

Normalise asking people on the street why are they wearing the same colour clothes as you.