He is rizzin

when you wear cuff links to a fight it’s called sophistacuffs

[friend] omg youve lost so much weight whats your secret [me] haha thank you groceries cost twice as much now

Zombie Alanis Morissette: It's like BRAINNNSS

Not sure what all the controversy is about nanny cams. I mean, someone has to take care of all the baby cams.

CARDIOLOGIST: the CT scans came back and—look, you need to stop dancing immediately this is serious. there's literally a groove in your heart. we need to get you another right now or you'll die

petition to replace the easter bunny

i am a lazy pacifist you will never see me hit the ground running

with a rebel yell i cry sore sore sore [mid 40s stillpunk]

sometimes someone reskeets an old skeet and it sorta feels like a resurrection so like *salutes jesus*

$4 purr gallon seemed okay until i found out i didnt get cats with purchase

show us your eggs, i yell into your secret crevice

please suplex me into bed I'm begging you I'm so tired but fighting it

do you have any bugs for my son? he is very hungry

showing my age by having someone saw me in half to reveal the number of rings in my body

It's always "we didn't start the fire" and never "grab a fire extinguisher"

at my funeral, sliced raw onions will be handed out to everyone so that they have no choice but to cry

PAM: i’m sad i won’t see little donny anymore KRISTI: here maybe this puppy will cheer you up PAM: aww thanks KRISTI: now shoot it in the face

What I really want for my birthday is to eat cake off a bicep

i bet an angel who plays too much music is at greater risk of harpal tunnel syndrome

If I start posting weird just ignore me

Just think in 100 years family heirlooms will be garbage from amazon with brand names like TFANYKO

If you let a balloon go but leave the wish behind because it's too heavy, just don't have wished for more balloons. I painted this for a waiting room and it finally left

[interview] *presenting my shitposts* you will clearly here see that i am an improvement over the last fbi director

happiest of bdays @trickykat.bsky.social today you can steal alllll the ice cream ❤️😸

It's April. We're the fools. We're the jokes.

my mom got an adult bib for me and she's not wrong

maybe captain hook was so angry because he can’t clap

really focused on not having kids (concreating)

the bones of my enemies broke my juicer

Flashing lights illuminate the scene as a photographer snaps pictures of the mangled corpse. Several yards away, a uniformed officer is vomiting on the sidewalk. An unmarked sedan pulls up, and a detective emerges. Staring down at the body, he slowly removes his sunglasses and whispers, “Found him.”

ambien? if it's for sleeping snouldnt it be called pmbien. yeah yeah i see the typo. there's no time

Read an entire article about looksmaxxing. I am now measurably dumber and those 7 minutes of my life are gone forever.

Raise my hand if you are skilled in telekinesis

Don't forget to wear green on April Fools.

We are all in this together. That is how meat grinders work.

if you replace every atom of your butthole with other butthole atoms is it still the same butthole

The next time I open up to someone, it will probably be my autopsy.

Stay-Puft marshmallow man, driving his kids to pick up some Easter candy: quiet back there! don’t make me turn this car around . i don’t wanna hear a peep outta you ! his marshmallow kids, fused together in the back seat:

if i skip toothbrushing tonight i gain an extra two minutes of posting time so here we are

me: i have my best caption ever wife: show me me: it’s mice cream! wife: that’s a rat me: but- wife: sorry babe me: i was gonna win the internet wife: are you crying? me: no

gathering a group of the best farters (stink tank)

officially petitioning to bring back “mamma jamma”

Who me? No big deal, just getting a little divorce this afternoon 🤩

[observing pigs wallowing in mud] *glances at my own self pity* *glances at the pigs wallowing* [a lightbulb appears over my head]

my legs make so many mistakes i should wear pencil skirts so i can at least use erasers

fascists hate this one simple trick [people having a community]

fun kellys are standing by to talk to you. call now.

if your write meow four times in a row it looks like meow meow meow meow

[sitting bolt upright in bed at 3:27 a.m.] I should've added that comma.