when eating a corn dog do you eat the stick first or save it till the end

I have nothing of value to say but I still want attention

live, laugh, become the Joker

The natural expression on my face is that of someone holding door open for people still blocks away like inventing thanks fire

Reading is a controlled hallucination with snack breaks allowed.

for the bluesky finale we’re all gonna wake up in bed with twitter and it will have all been just a dream

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

if you have the brain squeegee can i use it when you’re done?

strap JK Rowling into a rocket and launch it into space, call that an astroterf

wine makes u sleepy is why it’s called Napa Valley

Pride is cancelled, we’re going straight to Wrath

[ceo looking sad] it feels like you only want overtime pay to hurt me

this recipe calls for a dry rub but surely a lil lube wont hurt

im never writing a play i dont wanna be a writer around that guy who shakes peers

do i use a jar or a net to catch a buzz?

Rest now, bitch face, we have much work yet to do

And then I will buy a salad comprised primarily of mayonnaise and eat it with my hands.

SHEILA I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DONT EXTEND YOUR RIGHT LEG LIKE YOU BELIVE IT I WILL CLAW YOUR EYES OUT SHOWTIME IS IN TWENTY MINUTES

I am not a night person or a morning person but a secret third thing (always tired).

reinstalled dating apps like a raccoon returning to the same dumpster they got trapped in before

“Where have all the cowboys gone” but skeeters in place of cowboys.

when my brother makes me broth he becomes my brother

I called them that as a joke, they're weird nasty little parodies. But a hundred years in this neighborhood looks like a century on me and nothing to them so maybe I'm the parody. Actual garbage pail kids

is there a way to get more followers which doesn't involve being any good?

Captain's Log, Stardate whatever: Shit is fucked up, yo

911: what is your emergency ME: i need to listen to smooth jazz 911: hold please

me: why did they call it a ‘singing telegram’ when ‘gift rap’ was right there my gynecologist: what

Is your home too calm and lacking just a hint of chaos? There’s a cat for that

I hereby renounce my adulthood and demand my mom come pick me up

Willem Dafoe implies the existence of Willem Dafriend

oh how i pine for the halcyon days of yore, when people still pined & knew what ‘halcyon’ meant 😬

I'm sorry I was grouchy my ponytail was too high and tight

egg roll? yeah but they’re wobbly

Dating advice: If you get to his apartment and he can’t get his key in the keyhole on the first try, you may be in for a frustrating night.

jar jar binks is the most powerful jedi [limits replies]

the porn parody is called Project Rail Mary

[rolling my eyes in the grocers] this world man $12 dollars for jams that arent even pumped up

[posting anything anywhere on the internet] I'm sure this will receive a normal response

The existence of Seattle implies Landttle

It costs zero dollars to be unstable, and I love a good bargain

my favorite comfort food is attention

i use a plastic beach chair as seating at my $2,000 dining room table AITA ?

Hormone replacement therapy is life-saving because I was on the verge of committing homicide if I had to endure any more hot flashes.

White boys with guitars simply aren’t sad enough anymore

love the work, but shakespeare is such a fake ass name.

There's an ELO song perfect for every human emotion

You can’t call a blender a Ninja when it makes that much fucking noise.

There just aren't enough people saying oopsie daisy these days.

i’ve never commandeered a train before but how hard can it be

irl im just the temu version of blairloudly