Pro tip: Turn off all your recurring subscriptions. Walk toward the horizon.

that’s one long mermaid

My boss found my voodoo doll of him in the mailroom

crying as a second language

tried to use my imagination today but all the best parts were paywalled

The end is NYE.

I love you bro. Consider this a fucking warning

Tbf, if a rat crawled under my hat and started controlling me, I wouldn’t even care. Take the wheel, rat daddy

(me handing a copy of war and peace back to the librarian) this could have been an email

I hope the new year sends me straight into oblivion.

I prefer the “idea” of people.

I'm a dreamer and a risk-taker and I wouldn't have it any other way

Come my children, stare down my gullet to the very center of me, a world of wonder, an ocean of acid.

I already know I'm just a secret you didn't have to film five different endings about it

“eating well” lol have you heard of vitamins

these spin doctors aren’t doing shit for my nausea

existing as if my life depended upon it

Alas, the hamburger needed more help than the box could provide.

My stomach is a junk drawer for food.

bedtime edibles implies the existence of breakfast edibles and we’re manifesting this in 2026

jumping out of a cake and finding yourself inside an even larger cake

Marijuana makes me feel like the universe and I are in a group chat.

my new year’s resolution is to get revenge

PRIEST: Are you a Catholic? ME: I have four, but I wouldn't say I'm addicted.

hey guys where do we find the highway to the quiet zone all i can find is the danger one

Going to pronounce macabre like macrame for 2026.

new years eve is a lie 2025 is going to continue into eternity

Ooh child Things are gonna get stupider Ooh child Things'll get dumber

Save yourself the embarrassment. Jiffy Lube does not sell personal lubricants. I asked.

how about "auld" acquaintances learn spelling and grammar. how about that

I dunno man, today just feels like a waste of my business pyjamas

one mood away from getting a tattoo that says eyebrows on my forehead

do you read [an invitation to conversation] can you read [fightin words]

why does my cat give ‘as long as you live under my roof’ energy

i’m tired of dating apps. i want to meet someone the old fashioned way, through land contracts

walk up to the club like 'what up i really don't belong here'

Who Forgot to Put the Silverware Away: A Knives Out Mystery

I’m not late, time is wrong

sorry, i cant come over, i put a sweatshirt over a long sleeve tshirt and neither of them feel right around my neck and shoulders now

a spinoff called Perfect Stranger Things

Why is it the roof of my mouth and not the ceiling of my mouth

A Rube Goldberg machine that turns the world into an apocalyptic wasteland that exists for decades and then that dystopia cracks an egg that is then fried

[watching a pro athlete drop a pass] me: *eating spaghettios for dinner* “what a loser”

I have to make things awkward or my curse will kill us both

I don’t need to explain myself to you! And I can’t. I’m a mystery to us all

Just knitted a cardigan in a fit of rage

sometimes I’ll just grab a fuckin orange and make juice with my mouth idgaf

if you forget to renew your shitposter's insurance by the end of the year you may not legally comment on any of my posts I don't make the rules

Just a yearly reminder to load up on laxatives on December 31st way before midnight. So you're not taking old shit into the new year.

Time to start on my New Year’s retributions.