all this time we were watching out for the rhythm and its the algorithm that finally got us

we really fucked up letting brands use the internet like people

the only downside to being hydrated is drinking all this stupid water

my life is a coming of age story because i have proven that i can cum at most of my ages

i have the spice rack of an ancient god king and natures perfect murder machine purring in my lap AND I WANT MORE

jurassic perk (not living at the same time as humans)

bro it's kinda cringe that you don't recognize the beauty in the everyday things around you

the hills are alive with the sound of me dying on this hill

I regret to inform you that I am both awake and out of my bed.

The countryside is filled with the sound of tearing earth and the staccato pops of roots coming free from the soil. The ground pulsates a steady rhythm, as through a cloud of flying dirt and floating dust, the enraged horde marches towards the city with a singularity of purpose. The vegans must pay.

I don’t consider myself indecisive I’ll die on this fence

watching Jurassic Park and this guy is pretty tan for a paleontologist

reverse intervention where you sit your whole family down and tell each person why they’re actually the problem

God is Gouda

i applied to be the librarian for one of those free neighborhood libraries. i think it was a maybe, they said “we told you to stay out of our driveway”

Took a vow to be mediocre.

my dentist: you got gingivitis me: heck ya redheads are hot

The puppeteer's union has rejected my slogan "We Need More Hand Jobs!"

if you fart like no one is watching they will think you are dancing

If you’re tired of me here imagine me texting you all day

you should probably clean up all this existential dread, we’ve got company coming over later

work is not lol its not lol at all

I AM AN ADULT I SHOULD NOT HAVE A SPECIFIC BEDTIME

BREAKING: Legislation Has Been Filed to Put Charlie Kirk on U.S. Coin Currency, Tentatively Named BitchCoin

i hope ads can feel how much i hate them

has to be Tylenol otherwise it's just sparkling pain pills

one time it started raining and it made cool little rainbow specs on my phone screen so I tried to take a screenshot. I have a postgraduate degree in computer science

All good here, just fumbling through the fog and mire.

never go to sleep horny. or is it hungry? either way avoid them both, they both sound pretty dangerous

I don’t want to sound conspiratorial, but I think Kash Patel may be dishonest.

now that the dust has settled on the kirk shooting and with the benefit of hindsight and the kimmel thing playing out i sure hope bluesky's leadership is asking itself why their mod team so instinctively behaved exactly the way this fascist administration wanted them to before even having been asked

the really unhinged ones are doors that havent found their frames yet

i hope ads can feel how much i hate them

im tired and wired at the same time i am a superposition i am now physics incarnate

when meeting an annoying child its important to help them become even more annoying to dunk on the next generation

My thoughts are in Spanish, but I don't speak Spanish. I never know what I'm thinking.

my anxiety is always high but i never see it doing any drugs

No one ever repeatedly punches a Nazi in the face to the tune of The Boys Are Back In Town anymore

your telling me signs have their own language

ever eat a kid’s meal at a restaurant, then get beat up by their parents

quotum scrotum

from the archives: at this point, what is even fun (with the exception of @funkelly.bsky.social): youtu.be/IEXoxP1RtkA?...

It seemed like the dumbest joke ever so I posted it - a memoir

“I’m looking at vaginas.”

Them: you look so friendly. Hi. Me: Sorry. No. That’s my kegel face