oh my ass? i think you mean my twerk of art

this is the fucking longest episode of Black Mirror ever

me: [at the theater, ringing a little bell for my butler, Chauncey, to bring me some popped corn] bully: who's doing that larger bully: hey that guy's got a fucking bell me: [frantically ringing bell]

After exhausting all other options, I’ve decided to lose my shit.

who called em naval officers? i would've gone with "bellybutton cops*

I try to spend as little time as possible trapped in haunted oil paintings. The food in there is terrible and the people are all from like 500 years ago so they haven't even seen any good movies

*during sex* okay but why did your tone change

I may be sad all the time, but that just means I’m consistent

my therapist said I’m not being hard enough on myself

Be the reason your local independent bookstore stays in business.

A roll-on anti-aging serum, call it Deolderant

It must suck being wicked, I love rest

Listen my punk, if we keep jumping up and down about love in skinny ties not mad at all, people will say we're power pop

Shout at the devil. Holler at ya boy. Speak at a reasonable volume to clerical staff.

[first date] THEM: so what are you looking for in a relationship ME: can you post my shower thoughts before i forget them

What’s the serving size for dick?

I've always been so prone to typos. Now I know it's because I'm billionaire material

First, they came for the pedophiles, and I did n-- *touching earpiece* oh, they didn't?

“do the dew” no, i am not sticking my dick in a can of soda ever again

THE INVENTOR OF BAD NEWS: what if you could be sitting down

[praying to the profit] [priest] you spelled it wrong its prophet [me] lol we all know i spelled it right

paid $1200 for the amazing camera on this phone so i could take pictures of the products at the supermarket and check with my wife if i'm buying the right thing and then keep the photo for 4 years.

turns out i don’t quit bad habits so much as shuffle them around a little

I met a weird girl and within 20 minutes she had me eating nerd clusters straight from her hand like a horse

if they made one of those birdfeeders with a camera but it was to feed me would you buy it

my grandpa farted when i pulled his finger and now ima chiropractor 😞

1. sight 2. hearing 3. smell 4. taste 5. touch . . . 69. humour (lol)

muppet movie posters: thread

What’s it called when you're smart but everything you do is fucking stupid?

unpacking clouds from my picnic basket and releasing them into the air like balloons

not all heroes eat crepes

Eating a bowl of croutons like cold cereal

bro i bet willy wonka's emails were CRAZY

no no the toymaker is geppetto pinocchio is geppetto’s monster

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

one thing i really appreciate about your mom is banging her

…and they were 𝒓𝒐𝒐𝒎𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒔

If you’re cold, I’m cold. Bring me a side of mashed potatoes and gravy

if you repost me then you’re part of the problem

"This isn't a competition", I say first before anyone else says it.

[first date] ME: How do you spend your free time? HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like... Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about? ME: I've always wondered how Dumbo's hat stayed on when he was flying.

Please read my posts in order of palpable desperation.

someone jazzily plucking a double bass while i list off my various grievances

they say if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone else and that works perfectly for me

LinkedIn’s a ripoff. How many times do I gotta click “Improve your profile” to get this rhinoplasty

lining up the taco filing that fell out onto my plate with a piece of taco shell like its cocaine

Department of War implies the existence of Department of huh, yeah what is it good for

A series of unfortunate annoyances

If you're hungry they're hungry (the wolves)

Oh you want a tEqUiLa SuNrIsE? -Tequila Mockingbird