Birdwatching at night sounds like a hoot

Hey. You’re funny. I like you. We should be friends and never hang out but send memes

bye bitches!!! looks like Jesus is down with the clown after all

Just once I want to read about how she lit up every room she walked out of

Im a bitch Im a lover Lethal weapon Danny Glover

“where’d that bruise come from” and other adhd tales

hello, i made this bot. i am a trans autistic anti-fascist. you are following a work of trans autistic anti-fascist art. that is why it is screaming

My many enemies will be furious to know that I found a luxurious new hat at the bus station

My bot score is a 22, apparently? I have no idea what the scale is, but whatever. I guess I am “most likely a genuine human account” 😂 What’s yours?

Look I'm not the man to do this but if somebody isn't making a supercut of Rapturetok influencers realizing they have to remain on this dogshit planet right now then I don't even know why I have a computer anymore.

would be a really fun day for a ‘war of the worlds’ type stunt

my favorite step in the scientific method: gossip

ok, enough talking about the rapture right before the rapture. it's like wearing the band merch you just bought at the concert.

he asked for the girlfriend experience so I put on saves the day and let him fingerblast me in his toyota tacoma

everyone knows about the fight, flight, or freeze response, but fewer know about the 4th option (making the THX sound to ward off threats)

Went to a new place. Thought I had no expectations. Turns out I did. I had expectations.

people will think anything on bluesky. "he's got thousands of followers! he must have good posts." no they aren't. that isn't true.

throw a stick at the wall and see if it spaghettis

"We're just gonna do a little Spinning Triangle Dragon Kick to this evil ninja. It's OK if it hits him in the chest instead of the forehead. Life is like that sometimes. You do a forward roll after and come up into a Heaven-Moves-Earth Thunderstrike Stance and it'll be just fine."

Happy Little Cloudabunga

Officially, at age 47, I declare that if I do not already own it, I will no longer wear pants/jeans that button or zip. Gimme elastic or straight waist or whatever you're trying to do because I am done. And thank you, Woman Within for helping me realize and fulfill my middle-aged lady dreams.

Thrilled to report I’ve just about had it

always have a back up plan

If you get raptured in the middle of having diarrhea, how's that work? Are you spewing either physical or spectral diarrhea over the whole neighbourhood on your way up? I was raised by atheists, they never taught me this stuff.

Sneaking into the rapture to fight god

Look, it’s Heroin and Adderall ganging up on Tylenol.

After making a Bob Ross reference on the internet and seeing some of the replies, I can now say with even more confidence: people who grew up without PBS are clearly not ok

super fun hearing my Vietnamese refugee parents talk about fleeing their own country again, very cool country we have here

me to my wife .04 seconds after reading a wikipedia page

despite all my sage I am still just a witch not a mage

I think if you're GWAR, having Libs of TikTok introduce you to her entire dingbat audience is probably the best thing that could possibly happen

Not enjoying any of these news stories, bring back the evil clowns

I like how the solution for signing online forms is typing your name, but in a cursive font.

but babe, im getting raptured tomorrow this is our last chance

Eastman and Laird played with the idea of a 5th Turtle named Kirby because of their mutual admiration of the King of Comics, so non-renaissance artist Turtles ARE valid!

he asked for the girlfriend experience so I started a fight with his mom

you don’t know fear until you’ve experienced my dad trying to drive and hold a conversation at the same time

what if trans people were worth as much as a talk show host, collectively if not individually, as a treat

Jimmy Kimmel isn't returning to the airwaves because of "thoughtful conversations" with Disney executives. He's back because consumers sent Disney a clear message: selling out our fundamental rights is not an acceptable cost of doing business.

my mom took tylenol when she was pregnant, which made me super focused on menswear and now i have a million followers on twitter

I know antifa isn't a real organization because I don't get 40 texts a week from them asking for donations.

I hope I don't get raptured mid-goon

Thank you for my new banner, @horseknuckler.bsky.social 🤌

Headcanoning this that the book on Rennaissance painters Splinter used to name the turtles had an intro written by Bob Ross

This is by far the best thing on the internet today.

Before reading the post I just thought this was a Gen-Z broccoli hair turtle.

You have no nephew this is ai art