WHOSE DREAM IS IT ANYWAY?

"uh oh, boner alert!" -man who thinks boner means internal bleeding

invented a new kind of mushroom. it tastes like shit and kills you

It's okay for *me* to shit on the floor in my mind palace. It's not okay for *you* to do it.

I wouldn't wear a prosthetic penis onscreen unless it was installed next to my real one

this post may be recorded for quality assurance 🙂

blacksmith who crafts maces and or flails: my balls hurt

to say im a distracted person would be putting it mil

Have you ever considered, wtf?

i keep my cards close to my chest ooo owie i got another paper cut

i guess you could say i live a pretty daring life. like the time i accidentally touched that sizzling hot fajita plate

🫴🖐️ .ɘliʜwnɒɘM

🎶

[chess tournament] cute girl: what rank are you and whats your favorite opening? me: uhh french defense and im a... master ᵇᵃᵗᵒʳ cute girl: what was that? me: french defense ?

where do you think it goes all the stuff you type when the text box isnt selected

im only funny as a joke

dont get mad or get even get a life

[club] 😀: this place is buzzin! 🐝: HEY 😮: i mean hoppin 🦘: excuse me 😦: uh poppin? 🎈: wow

so do i give you more of a friend vibe or just nausea?

horny mathematician: are you a 7175 or 455 person?

[horrifying earthquake] NO! MY SODA POP!!

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youre my dream im having déjà yu

yknow broken clocks being right twice a day is actually kind of a lot

sure ill blow you (up with a bomb)

do you have any idea how many drug overdoses i turned down to be here?

johnny jumped off a high wall and had a most terrible fall he went back to bed with a bump on his head what a dumbshit

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[two o'clock in the morning] me, to my phone: no 𝘺𝘰𝘶 run out of charge first teeheehee

please pastel me more

acting stupid so people are surprised when i act way more stupid

call me grandpas pants because i am pooped

call me double o cool cuz i have a license to chill 😎

me, surrounded by people telling me that they love me: ive never been more lonely

this is almost as bad as the time poseidon waved at me

im a gift horse dentist

yo my fit goes so hard ᵗᵒ ᵍᵉᵗ ᶦⁿ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵒᵘᵗ ᵒᶠ ᵃᶠᵗᵉʳ ᶦ ᵉᵃᵗ

Apparently the dishes don’t do themselves while you sit your ass on the couch and post stupid shit on the internet.

I'm a beauty and a beast

[boxing match] *punch* me: sorry *punch* me: sorry *third punch knocks me out* ░▒▓█▓▒░ [hospital] me: where am i? doctor: youre in the hospital youve suffered a major concussion and youve been in a coma for two years me: sorry

me: i will not be silenced wizard: *casts silence* me: 😮😐🫤😦😕🙁

[pub quiz] quiz host: what is a group of kittens called? friend: litter me: no thats what they poop in

im a secret menu item

😦 ᵒᵒᵖˢ ᵈʳᵒᵖᵖᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ᵈʳᵘᵐˢᵗᶦᶜᵏ 🪘🥁〢 🍗

I dropped out of matador school. It was just a bunch of bull shit.

The worst thing a species can be is delicious.

and now for something completely different ✨

im going to eat better today *speck of dust hits tongue* actually im craving a burger

i cant tonight i have to paint my washbrushes

volunteering for a life threatening assignment out of sheer boredom