I've grown. I used to bristle at the phrase "needs fixed" but now I find it amusing.

How the Grinch Stole My Heart

How the Grinch Stole Copper from the Construction Site

How the Grinch Stole Valor

reindeer knife fight

my new year's resolution is to escape the grain silo i've been trapped in for two weeks

oh so it's god that tastes like hairspray and burnt pennies

alrighty, time to check the reindeer traps for meat

The banana, when he dances

the age of men is over. the time of the peanut butter jelly has come

The Kool-Aid man breaking down the walls he's erected around his own emotions to avoid truly being vulnerable with people so as not to get hurt, and finally letting someone in: oh yeah

It’s high time we put the isthmus back in Christhmus.

worst guy you know just got a chicken finger in his fries

me: *bloviating* V8: oh yeah fuck yeah don't stop that feels so good

Don’t stop babe I’m about to grinch

All wine is mulled wine if you think about it long enough.

[first day on bsky] 🦋 is this the group chat?

Facebook is for people you know but don’t like Bsky is for people you don’t know but do like Group chats are for people you know and do like LinkedIn is for people you don’t know and don’t like

knucksack

logging on with a prepared list of questions

nibbling on a timefruit

Santa doesn't need to go down chimneys but he does because it soots him

loser: very well, to the victor go the spoilers winner: tyvm heywaitaminute loser: gottem

If you don't feel like Winona Ryder at the end of Heathers after this year, you must have been in a coma.

When Emma stone walks in a room she doesn’t turn the lights on, she turns the dark off Emma stone can slam a revolving door Emma stone can divide by zero

The sun requires UV protection from Emma Stone Emma Stone caught Roadrunner. They had to stop telling Emma Stone to "break a leg" because everyone ran out of legs. Emma Stone shits in cursive.

Emma Stone found love's labour Emma Stone can make banana bread out of green bananas and vice versa Emma Stone can "tap to pay" with a fist bump Emma Stone has seen the sixth season of the original Muppet Show

me every time I experience social consequences:

"insultingly blunt"? no no I'm sure you must be mistaken; I'm charmingly forthright.

"punctilious" really sounds the way it means

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a sandworm.

"This story doesn't need a sandworm" This is almost always wrong. Arguably, EVERY story benefits from adding a huge subterranean worm with quasi-mystical or semi-supernatural powers, or equivalent (similar to Moby Dick). Obviously the bigger the worm, the more literary quality it adds.

help I've been redacted

not gonna say cartoons are fully to blame but Bart Simpson definitely had me throwing hands as a child the moment someone laid a finger on my Butterfinger

very concerned about the threat that obvious follow-up questions pose to our national security

Bringing back Limewire to illegally rip copies of reporting suppressed by the government is definitely some cyberpunk shit

Me: [cocks gun] I said, manger's haunted

I'm out here you ficuus birch

periodic safety reminder: once lit, a Molotov cocktail is for throwing, not selfies

this year they are making a human Santapede

How the Grinch met your Mother

Roasting chestnuts on an open fire in my mind palace

This got taken down so quick

They hate us because they anus

Restaurant bathroom lock that switches from “vacant” to “shitting”

My boss just yelled at me for making helicopter noises with my mouth. This meeting sucks