butterflies definitely tastes more like flies than they do butter

There is something extremely sad about people blocking me for helping vision impaired people be able to take part. Have the day you deserve, I guess.

topping the charts for the 14th week running, with the runway hit single "If U Like It (When tha Dick Stank)"

Hey, what do you all do with the stringy stuff in your peanut butter? I just eat it, it doesn't bother me that much, but curious what everyone else does

Again: for any big liberal donor who wants to funnel millions into fixing this country's politics, the ROI on buying any struggling paper and simply tasking it with doing real reporting on local news is vastly higher than the same $$ given to some group that does mass ad buys every election year.

Lady at the farm stand wouldn’t sell me betel nuts because she said I have a child’s soul

I’m sorry WHAT

Hey, look at Substack promoting Andrew Tate as the #1 new bestseller. The company's amoral leadership & backers will platform anyone, even ludicrously toxic rapists & human traffickers.

When a guy points a gun at your feet and says, "Dance," he's just enacted a law that you dance.

people are always so short with me where do i be long?

idk who needs to hear this, but big spoons and big spoons nest together than big spoons and little spoons

jd vance negotiating with Iran

Really looking forward to JD Vance campaigning for Netanyahu later this year.

misread my handwriting "ELECTRONICS" as "ELFOTRONICS"

time to crack open another cold one *grabs a raw egg from the fridge*

making people at the store uncomfortable by muttering warnings like a video game character who cant attack i cant do that here not in town this isnt the place for that nows not the time

Best Star Trek crew. Wrong answers only.

Number 625: the Judi Dench audio guide to erotica which consists solely of the sound of her flipping pages and occasionally muttering “…filth”

Sometimes you just gotta make the damn thing.

U see kids you didn’t used to need batteries for headphones

if you can't handle me at my [emotional eating] then you don't deserve me at my [emotional cooking]

The 7-Eleven social scene

they died doing what they loved: playing "got your nose" but with a cop's gun

"looking forward to it" well yeah that's what direction human eyes point in

Who up gently bobbing in the Pacific

OR THE STRAIT OF HORMUZ SHIT I FORGOT THERE WAS A NARROW SEA PASSAGE ALREADY IN THE NEWS

inhabiting a hierarchy got me breaking down in tiers

there's a lot of terrible stuff going on right now but don't think that means it's okay to not use alt text, you are still not being the person mr rogers believed you capable of being when you refuse. please be a helper thank you

rementing the demented

I just want a language model that's autistic so it knows what the fuck I'm talking about

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

was that Melania speech one of Iran’s demands

[me as a pilgrim] mom: (outside bedroom door) you better not be in there eating the buckles off your hat and shoes me: *mouthful of buckles*

The Emperor Has No Mouth, and He Must Scream

picking your pocket and throwing the cash on the ground because I just needed a new wallet

I want good things to happen to me but I don't really want to be involved

They should make sparkling Pepto

Pet Symmetry

watching a very concerned local TV news report about a new kind of shitposting called "brainrot shitposting" that all the kids are into now

im asking the clerk at the grocery store where do they keep all the potions

cancelled for booping snoot

to you who have begun to question the merits of democracy in our troubled modern times, I have but one thing to say: Boaty McBoatface

when a pig hotel is full it has no baconcy

they say every dog has its diary

yes, I said "snargleplax". is there something about that you find unclear?

you should know i read your thoughts with an extremely concerned look on my face

Locking in on the grindset to secure the mandate of heaven

Six Se7en

make a movie silly the man in the face mask