cramming for this eye exam looking at every fucking thing I can

i hope i don’t look as dumb as i think everyone else looks when driving

i thinks is pretty cool to have written Jolene and 9 to 5 and have a tool to move furniture named after you

(twentieth pilot enters cockpit) ok certainly that's the last one

Did you hear the one about the guy getting fired from the calendar factory for taking a few days off

sommelier: would sir care for wine? me: care for it? I’d nurture it like it’s my first born

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but nobody has the right to tell you that a bookshelf with a rolling ladder “won’t fix you.”

saying stupid shit on the internet is what keeps me alive

I am the single most boring person in the world but I have a rich inner life and sometimes I wear crocheted pants

I don’t remember 90% of the things I say on here I’m sure it’s all pure gold tho

logs on to announce various goings on with my body

Hold up...I thought Diana Ross was the Supreme Leader?

I don't mind getting the silent treatment as long as it's constructive

i see we’re going to the same place. would you like to share a hand basket?

French toast is just regular toast that wants to see what that tongue do

Don’t be an oversharer, unless we’re talking about your fries.

does backflip over your post and finger guns at it in midair before continuing to scroll

one person‘s thirst trap is another person‘s hot mess

Being indecisive makes me mysterious.

Share your pain. Not with me.

not to brag but I can scroll my phone for hours on end without feeling the least bit bad about it

I've been laid off since February 2025, and money is starting to get really tight. I made a ko-fi account and added a link in my bio, if anyone is feeling generous. The account is brand new, but I will start trying to add some of my art and writing as I can.

need an ugly crying face with hug hands emoji to use as a reply to everyone's furbabies posts

and another thing how dare you

if i could i would take and endure your tummy hort or menstrual symptoms for all of women’s history month

got tired of wiping so i just stopped

wtf

click click --clicky pen

women's history month. period.

going into stand by (me) mode

the whimsy persists

i’m too awesome to suffer any consequences from hubris

if anyone needs a w00t, here's a w00t.

Every food has someone who claims it's better crispy. There's a guy out there trying to make soup crispy I guarantee it

I wanted a trophy wife but in my state you can’t marry hardware.

always the trophy wife never the nobel peace wife

Gentlemen, it’s Women’s History Month, so maybe take the initiative and explain what that is.

if you don’t post before your first cup of coffee are you even a shitposter

Making a subskeet look like a regular skeet is an underrated skill

To the people who have their shit together: the fuck?

Who called it 3-in-1 body wash and not "lavage à trois"?

when life gives you lemons fuck lemonade lemon curd is the whey

[at a spider wedding] congratulations to the newlywebs

a marathong is when you run — actually, dear reader, you can probably get this one on your own

Guitar shop: "Nice axe!" Murder shop: "Nice axe!"

this is about me

I’m ready to change this silly Scottish poet handle but I just can’t think of a good pun using Longfellow

Is it one of those situations where you're thinking you benefitted something but an old wise voice over says it was actually a graceful humility to you? And where even does the voice come from, pipes?

Everything’s gonna be fine as long as celebrities don’t start singing Imagine