Million dollar idea: A Pez dispenser, but for Pringles

neither good cop nor bad cop but a secret third thing (mid cop)

i wanna be put in airplane mode

i put my pants on one leg at a time while holding on to something so i don't fall

If you've done one pushup, you've done them all..

Just once, I’d like to be at the beginning of my rope.

Went outside to watch the last fuck I had to give fly away. I hope it visits once in a while.

I will not ride at dawn. That’s way too early

Still no flying cars. Still cleaning our teeth with strings

Cop: put your hands behind your back Me: nice try, Simon didn’t say

Who you are at a 4 way stop is the real you.

Would be endlessly helpful if everyone got their name tattooed on their face

judge: the jury finds the defendants GUILTY as charged bunch of crows: what

revenge cowgirl

for earth day we should all take a shit outside

instead of distance imma start telling people how much gas it takes to go anywhere

(gently swirling my glass) no Mr. Bond, i expect you to die (takes a sip of Baja Blast)

Do not go chasing Waterfalls; you will drown Rocks will smash them bones

sandal weather, time for my yearly toenail clipping

MOM FISH: how was school LIKE TEN THOUSAND OTHER FISH: fine

Be honest. How many of you forgot about Simple Minds

working on my beached body (like a whale)

nothing frightens me more than anything else in this world because it's nothing

spiderman is proof that spider monkeys evolved

adding floral patterns to my list of grievances because rage can still be pretty there are no rules

might be controversial but, my whole thing with Gargamel is that he couldn’t have been all that bad, mainly because he was a cat guy

You don’t realize how fragile your sanity is until your sock slides halfway off inside your shoe and you can’t fix it.

[Creation] Angel: “Only two legs?” God: “YUP” Angel: “But won’t they keep falling over?” God: “I KNOW! LOL”

if you love it so much why don’t you marry juana

it helps if you imagine library scientists carefully conducting experiments using the dewey decimal system

always the bridesmaid who mysteriously disappeared after being locked inside a hope chest and now haunts the church grounds still waiting to catch the bouquet, never the bride

[guy who always makes the conversation about his vinyl collection] you mean the b-side of the moon

Being unemployed still rules... only thing on my to do list today is steal a packet of ranch dressing from wawa

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

hey babe can you come pick my up from the zoo i guess arctic monkeys aren’t even real

The Butt-Head in me recognizes the Beavis in you

willy wonka is actually the nickname they gave him after his first gym class

(snuggling with my cat when she gets a look in her eye) are you about to bite me cat: prrhaps

(puts a band-aid on your post) I hope it gets better soon

i've done my high intensity workout (19.9K posts) now give me my donut

have any of you seen my phone

what if we kissed in the ambient glow of the heat lamps warming the costco rotisserie chickens

my musician stoner friends are so highflutin

All this progress and still no beans that don't give us gas

I never wanted to post this path. I started out as a walking stick account, but then I poked my first stupidest shit I could think of and the stick treeactivated

cat: *sees hardwood floor* that's a bed cat: *sees laundry rack* that's a bed cat: *sees stairs* that's a bed cat: *sees my head* that's a bed cat: *sees a cat bed* what the FUCK is that??

Cop: you have an outstanding warrant Me: why thank you

[car accident] Stand back, everyone. I’m no doctor but I have a box of Band-Aids®️ containing every size they make.