Our local cartographer has taken place in the annual Quintumvirate's polygon jubilee. He placed quite well, fighting for his angel of bronze in the stands. His chances with her have increased sevenfold since last half moons, but he still has a way to go before he can call her a true deuteragonist

Mullet Over

science fiction really reached its apex when they made aliens that look like genitals

Finally got my nightmare fuel all in a row

If anyone doubts how bad it is at North Carolina DMVs, here is the sign out at 7:45 am at the rural DMV I drove an hour to because the line was supposed to be shorter here

Staff Sergeant Chicken Alarm presents belly for weapons grade readiness check SIR #CATURDAY

My daughter deciding that we’re going to bake our own bread has predictably led to no bread.

Me in my twenties: Crip Walk Me in my sixties: Crone Walk

This is the only rapture I care about.

In the time it took to calculate how many treadmills I would need to stack and slip on to hilariously shoot all the way into a wall on the moon I could have just stolen 250 million treadmills

Now it places the tater tots in the air fryer basket

i farted thru my peenus

I don't understand why someone will use the save feature on a silly post like “I farted through my peenus,” like, are you going to come back to read the discourse on it? Want to remind yourself to research penile flatulence later when you get off work?

Am attending a wedding next weekend that I can't cry at, so please give me all your best not crying tips right now, or last week, whichever is most convenient.

*enters an MMA tournament listing my primary discipline as feng shui*

Adam Yauch informed me that when Russel Simmons signed the Beastie Boys to Def Jam it was with the stipulation that they must provide Mr Simmons with kosher hot dogs at his request. This portion of the deal lasted until the work on Paul’s Boutique was complete, apparently.

*clean energy salesperson at the grocery store trying to accost me* Hey, you want a free $50 store card to help with your shopping? me, in a trench coat: Nah I just steal everything, but thanks. lolz

Fell into the trap of the Infinity Pizza (each pepperoni is in fact a smaller pizza, with even tinier pepperonis that are in fact smaller pizzas, with even tinier…)

Costuming got confused and dressed all the crisis actors in tights and codpieces.

I'm glad I don't have one of those wing suit guys as a friend because everyone would hate me at the funeral. "No, this isn't a shock to me at all. As a matter of fact, I thought we'd all be doing this six years ago. I'm just super stoked today that he made it this long."

first date idea: going for a long ocean swim in the dark after huffing gasoline fumes

Our first dishwasher wasn't even a built-in model. It was an ugly beast on wheels and you had to roll it over to the sink when you were ready to use it. It had two hoses that hooked up to the sink faucet for water and drainage. Totally steam-punk.

I have plans Tuesday. Could we do the rapture thing on Wednesday? Actually, the weekend would be best for me.

Monday Mood Still don't like 'em

If I dangled my nutsack next to these, I’d have like 80% of a turkey

Have painstakingly planted in the dirt of our un-mowed ditches every milkweed seed my deck milkweeds have produced. Apologies to my neighbors whose ring camera probably caught a lotta bending over time.

I’m ten followers away from hating myself.

I’ll talk about my root canal like I landed on Normandy Beach.

I feel hungover from sleeping too much and you're trying to tell me there is a god???

Yesterday on our hike husband stood around while I took gobs of bug and flower pictures but he got me back by stopping at a car show on the way home

Made a quick doodle today to celebrating hitting 100 followers over on Instagram so I figure I may as well post it here too! 🫶 Once again, thank you to everyone who has been supporting me :D #art #doodle

Baby's first blep

So much research going into why zebras have stripes but maybe it just makes them feel pretty

She unlocked the door, opened it, and shyly gestures for me to enter. "Holy shit!" I whisper at my first glance around. "A packrat!" "Well..I..." she fumbled for some charming words of explanation in reply, but even then she knew there really is no explaining this kind of harsh truth.

I see Paris I see France I have got the Rapture right here for you (it's in my pants)

neighbor pug - who loves to bark at everything. (when I catch that one, and ask why, she pretends it's really important) Anywize, she's got a sister, who's really cool. I came up with a song for them. Guard dogs guard dogs, Whatchoo gonna do whatchoo gona' do when they bark atchoo. Guard dogs

dog’s hoping the rapture really is on tuesday bc he’s scheduled for a dental and he knows if anyone getting raptured out of here it’s him cause he’s the goodest boy

How will I know the difference between people getting raptured or getting picked up by aliens on Tuesday? Just curious

I'm weirder than AI art, so there's that.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AND @tuskjenkins: Feest your eyes, for what you are about to witness 7months post spinal surgery, is me attempting these Fluevog Louis heels for the duration of the afternoon:

If you vigorously shake your hands after washing them in the public restroom, you still have to use 2 paper towels.

I’m going to be despondent now.

All those execrations activate My Easily Inflamed System 😞

Can we change BREAKING NEWS to HEART BREAKING NEWS already?

I want this level of peace and calm

The silver one is my friend and let me pet her for a long time

With all the rapture skeets, I figured I better start with some Sunday penance. I'm eating sugar-free jello.

Going to the grocery store hungry in this economy is just reckless.