I love it when people cancel plans with me so I can both bemoan my abandonment and not have to go out at the same time.

at first I thought they introduced a swarm of hornets to increase the difficulty of downhill skiing but I finally realized that sound was drones

I finished last in our annual work Segway race today but I still got a blarticipation medal fuckitsend

NYT Spelling Bee poem for today. At a trippy, topiary, airy apiary, Part potato pit. Pray, pair, parry a Tory party rat trap rot riot! A pip? To pry, to rip a toy parrot rotator rotor? Pap! It art a tyro prat air. Pay? A yotta-pi, troy.

Look kid, occasionally I’m going to drop an obscure boomer reference and it’s up to you to dust off your Encyclopædia Britannica and figure it out

ME: sorry, it’s not time to eat yet DOG: time is a human construct, don’t drag me into your bipedal conspiracy theories ME: here are two treats DOG: counting also isn’t real ME: DOG: ME: DOG: okay, i’ll take 14

Local morning drama

If you have the nuance to make a perfect humblebrag, would you consider keeping it to yourself until my nuance can straight up admit it's at least a decent nuance

*Cut to me doing shots of concentrated cold brew at the dive bar.

Is there an Olympic event for leaving your blinker on for miles and miles?

Less cluster, more fuck.

Until there’s an Olympic event based on Shelley Winters swimming underwater in a capsized ocean liner, I shan’t be watching

I think I have a clusterfuck headache.

You can stir up a surprising amount of chaos with one well-placed knowing chuckle, especially at the perfect distance where you may have heard them (even if you didn't.) Maybe add a wink and a grin for added effect.

Death rickshaw for cutie.

Proudly pushing mediocrity to great heights since September 1968.

filling my weekly pill organizer with tangerine trees and marmalade skies

When my dogs were young, they would eagerly wake me up. Now they are 14 and 15, and I have to cirque de soliel myself out of bed as not to disturb their ancient resting bones.

Fair is foul and foul is fair. New rule.

Macbeth playing rugby here, just spotted him.

me: *watching men’s slopestyle but knowing nothing about the sport* me, an hour later: that guy’s cork and butter were weak but his japanese hold was peak

That Italian woman just won a speed skating gold on her 35th birthday. I pulled a hammy reaching for the Tums this morning

It’s naptime somewhere. Put your head down in solidarity.

All of us, all the time. #caturday

Banned from DQ for using obtuse and abstruse interchangeably.

it’s probably super cool and good that my iv bruise looks like a mushroom cloud right?

indefatigable? make up your mind

Weasels have worked their way into my brain. The very core of who I am. It's hard to de-weasel at this time of year but I'm committed. Fourth Chop Shop is almost open and I can't afford to miss out on the scallion cream cheese

i'm actually glad you didn't like my post, you have a smelly fingers vibe and was hoping you wouldn't touch it

one of the most difficult things about getting older is it's a lot harder to catch lizards

move over, nanoseconds. scientists have discovered an even smaller unit of time: how long it takes my glasses to get smudges after i clean them.

today is my bsky anniversary pls tell me how good my account looks for its age

My morning prayers always include not seeing evil sheet metal cars and hoping you have a nice day

exclusive footage from my high school talent show performance youtu.be/jSZQgIyQRhk?...

Good morning!

Still strongly feeling this…

Hey kids! Apparently I am a "big communist account" now, check me out

Repost with a photo of yours that would make a good album cover.

“I hope this thing’s recording. Okay Marla, I only have a few seconds. My life insurance policy’s in the top drawer of the desk in my study. My broker Ted’s number is in my phone, call him. Also, ask Phil to come by and get rid of the box we talked about, he’ll know what I mean.”

lucky Day is a bit much, I’ll take a lucky 45 minutes

I was not aware

If you are on antidepressants you should be called a pillgrim. 🌞

Missing our dog today. She loved the snow and cold weather beyond measure. Pics are on the banks of the Mohawk River, beside a covered pedestrian bridge in Baker Park Frederick Md, and in Emmitsburg MD. Also pictured is our demon corgi. Love/miss him too.

You sing the world into being if you want to, I’m going back to bed.

We all went out for dinner last night so maybe this time I won’t be the usual inappropriately happy (to see you) at a funeral person

If i was a phone setting I'm pretty sure i'd be confusing and infuriating too

Huxley acts like he’s never seen snow in his whole life. 🐶🩵❄️

Sure I <3 rainbows butterflies & glitter but I know I’d make a great executioner for ppl who fuck w children animals or senior citizens. I’d have a basketball hoop at my lil work station & free throw heads like ball so hard