On today’s episode of it’s a joke not a competition, I disable quote posts.

My newest foster looking hella grumpy.

Adding crunchy bits of Metamucil fiber thin to my unsweetened Greek yogurt so I can snuffle around in it for enrichment.

Saw another UFO this morning, but moving on with the day like nothing happened.

If I ever had a DNA editing robot I’d probably name it Gene Hackman as a little joke.

Hey babe, come over to my place for some asexual healing.

What you don't see is the last few bites of scrambled eggs on a plate just out of shot.

They say that dogs are man's best friend... leaving me to wonder if dogs didn't come up short in the deal.

There should be a limit on people you know with the same name. No reason for anyone to know more than one Tina

Flowers? Nah. Get your girl something she really wants- get a row of two realistic nipples tattooed under each of your original nipples and surprise her in bed with Catman™

First is burst

A telegram has arrived from the alternate universe railway saying I will someday be celebrating first place on a caboose, fast is last I always say, retiring from my entry level tortoise enthusiast position

Yeah, I liked and reposted your post, but I was using my middle finger, heheh. Checkmate.

baby corn is the cutest of all stir fry elements

Ghosts are more freestyle than we can imagine.

This is my stop

*heroically skeeting through it*

#vss365 I would not have guessed that #fascinate would lead me to flying fucks, but here we are. The wikipedia photo of a winged dick comes from Leptis Magna in Libya, and in an unlikely twist, I've actually been there. I cannot recall whether or not I saw the fascinus.

whatever it is i don’t think i have it in me anymore

26.03.26 Meaningless but satisfying

Sees a fine layer of dust on the end-table, holds a loosely folded up white paper towel in fingers. *Remembering I read somewhere on the innernet ‘Dust is literally, like, 95% human skin.’ Stands up, raising the white paper slowly above head. “DEAD SKIN FOR THE DEAD SKIN GOD!”

Choosing to host an exorcist has really turned some heads

Dannny DeVito’s name means ‘Danny of the vitamin’ in Spanish.

Vicks on my feet as a little treat

“Somebody” by Depeche Mode was sappy and became overused so much as a love song that it became cringe and cliche to the point that maybe it’s obscure and sweet again?

When the moon means it the most.

The atmosphere in disarray.

Automated payment system not recognizing my responses because I have the hiccups. Well, I tried.

JOB INTERVIEWER: What are your greatest weaknesses? EMINEM: Probably my knees.

Looking for utopia and finding it (no place).

Retweet em and let god sort em out.

A tidal wave of sunflowers

The sweetness of this sunshine

Tighty whities are only tighty if you have a butt. Otherwise, they’re just saggy baggies.

The fullness of the essential essence

A bright cluster of awesome divinity

Me: 🎶 chilling, chilling, minding my business 🎶 Existential dread:

The Cato Institute should be where you go to get a guy to attack you when you least expect it to build up your self defense chops.

"We're lying on the moon It's a perfect afternoon Your shadow follows me all day Making sure that I'm Okay and we're a million miles away" music.youtube.com/watch?v=N9FI...

Hoodoo? You do—!

all my smart ex girlfriends went to Northwestern

If you say my name three times in the mirror, I’ll show up and refill your Brita pitcher

biiiig stretch

"Broken heart and broken bones Finger plaster caster and horse pills One more quirky cliché phrase You're the one I wanna refill" music.youtube.com/watch?v=1CZs...

I never thought I would be in the situation to wash dishes in lieu of paying but the dishwasher at my business broke unexpectedly and I can't afford to buy a new one at the moment so I find myself elbow deep in a trope (and a sinkful of hot soapy water)

Do your humans ever reward you with ice cubes in your water dish?

They named him Tapper because his main job is tapping that ass.

Body-celebrating your baby's enviable fatness

Me: I know I've been neglecting you lately but prepare to be showered with love and attention! My succulents: