When you have to use a public ouija and the beyond before you wasn't great and you don't want the next beyond thinking it was you so you unpiss on every grave

shoutout to Shithead

Looking forward to more regrets.

Dev bro at work silently lurking near my cubicle quad. Making an aggressive, fluttery gesture with his left hand. Softly grunting with the effort. No one says anything. Finally: Dev bro: Know what I'm doing? Cubicle bro: Is it knife work? Dev bro: Yeah

Hard work may not kill me but it's not a risk I'm prepared to take.

Admiral Ackbar is definitely in my top three favorite, positive admirals from science fiction.

I remember one time being on a glass bottom boat tour and I shouted SEE SEA TV LOL and then the Captain tied a rope around my ankle and threw me overboard

“On call” day which means I’m gonna lounge around in my pajamas watching Die Hard, make cornflake wreaths and put a hex on anyone who calls me.

save $ on tissues with a snot rocket spittoon by the couch

Little House on the Prairie video game chop wood with Charles, slap Nellie with Laura, get fucked up with Mr. Edwards

Went to a party last night and there were 5 dogs there and I have an idea for a new law that will actually be good

Maybe we’ll still be saying, “It’s a Christmas miracle!” In February for a frisson of sparkly sarcasm.

Sometimes you feel like you’re getting to know each other, other times I feel like I’m just giving them a chance to practice their backstory.

naming a dog “Champ” will jinx them into being dumb as fuck

One thing I learned this year is that I’m exceptional at absolutely ruining my life.

**Wakes you up in the middle of the night pacing in a fit of rage** IT WAS THE 90s! THE MCCALLISTERS HAD LOOT & YOURE GONNA TELL ME THEY DIDNT HAVE A FUCKIN LANDLINE TO CALL KEVIN?!? IT DOESNT ADD UP! THE MATH AINT MATHIN!

All I want 4 Christmas is divine retribution

No no I don’t want a pop of color. I want an explosion of it

All I asked Santa for this year was to get hit by a speeding garbage truck.

I’ll be quiet. Trying to curb my yappetite.

the electronic form for the doctors office asked me to choose colors to describe my mucus and the color of my mucus was not on the list i think i’m about to be famous

Oh yeah, last night when I was half asleep I imagined a turtle Pope. Little turtle in a Pope hat. Bene

if social media has taught me anything... i’m unaware of it

I've got to get my stuff together and meet the vendor at the top of the hill. He saved all of his fruit baskets for me and now I just have to figure out which reactor core he wants so he can whip together his famous rubber duck cat beds

Permeable to the touch.

The excesses of the rooftop rain.

The rain a tangle of spirits and spells.

The window letting in the dreaming.

The fire where you find it.

Recidivist revenants.

The water walking through the dark.

Insomnia, to the tune of youtu.be/sZnh7UWaBRM?...

you’re in his dms i’m forcing him to unload my dishwasher while wearing denim booty shorts we are not the same

I have more followers than @cbsnews.com and I’m also not beholden to a fascist authoritarian. Please consider me your news source now.

That last cup of coffee in the carafe should come with floss.

What if we made a movie where EVERYONE wore a leather duster, not just the lead? Holy shit kid, you're a genius! We never need to write a script again!

I’m still trick-or-treating. The people have run out of candy. One lady gave me the keys to her Buick. Another guy hit me with a broom

Solace for the inconsolable.

me, the moment it says “out for delivery”

Festive void!

You’ll always be my eighth World Wonder

The clown quarters of the extractiverse.

Retiring from the Presidency to open a restaurant called Secret Ceviche

The reveal in spooky stages.

Can your environment tell you what it all means. We took it experimental devices further and went under the environment, where the real unreal is. Hello, come get us, listen for broken down science bored of finding love and not a one night math

seems I'm on a tiny Husker kick, so should probly tie this in with current events. Happy solstice! (guitar at the end still absolutely fucking shreds) www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xxR...

might fuck around and drink a hemlock tea, just to feel nothing

Whatever the fuck gets you through it…

The wind in the gear works.

Oh no, I forgot to send out Christmas cards for the 41st year in a row