If it was over then, it's not all over now. In confetti terms it's celebrate continuously. Be regretted, be all over the place, be too impossible to be all gotten. Floors though. Like I'm not living cluttered to the fullest

Twenty years ago, I ordered T-shirts for my high school’s alumni hockey game. I gave away about 70 of the 100 on game day to the players and fans. Years later, my kids found the leftovers and gave away all but three, so now I wander New England playing a version of Where’s Waldo of my own design.

Have you ever brushed a fresh out of the toaster warm brown sugar and cinnamon pop-tart with melted butter though?

Every drawer can be a junk drawer if you commit to it.

Happy Light season is here and I don’t mean Christmas

Sometimes we get bored and have a fight about the cat

Suddenly empowered to really focus on ruining more things. Game changer.

Time to cash in all of my winnings in my spam folder.

why do i hide my flaws, they're perfect

Are these two ice packs on my ass or is my butt just numb to see you?

Ate five cookies while trying to convince myself that I don't need to make spaghetti at 9:00 at night

Horses”R”Us (it’s all apples n oats)

I’m in my 40s and still finding new fruits, wtf is this even

A decision has been made to make the education succinct. It's better to try than to not, so neurons will be studied in quick order. I will work to be like the cord, efficient and wired

My OnlyFans is just non-stop footage of me eating pizza and solving crossword puzzles in my underwear

It's almost the weekend

Refuses to buy anything, unless clean up’s a breeze.

I need a reverse intervention, where all my family and friends encourage me not to be so responsible, stop paying my bills on time and start taking drugs. I need to hear how being a boring bastard, is positively impacting their lives.

I predict a celebrity will die before the end of the year.

Post something random for the collective amusement.

One time I called whale sounds 'Depth Metal' and now I'm banned from every meditation group in my town.

My online girlfriend and I have been sexting so much she got pregnant, and honestly, I couldn’t be happier.

Going into the office while everyone has a cold to hear the cacoughony

you laminated your drawing of a sweet girl on one side of the paper but a demon girl on the other, what is this some sick joke? (answering for my semi verbal autistic daughter) I think I was trying to suggest something about the duality of man sir

I’m reclining strategically

How your phone looks at you while it monitors your weekly screen time.

Going to start carrying my cell phone in this.

they always kick you when you’re down. weird flex but okay

it’s coming through, scrubbing the trees, cleaning them off for the next shift

on facebook everyone is fighting a battle they won’t fucking shut up about

Asked an elderly gentleman, whose house I working in today, what these birds were? Told me they were a Parliament of rooks, he said he tried to count them once and got to 80. Love talking to old folk, you learn loads. 💙🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

I don’t mind skorts but I prefer blousers.

Let them not feel the hunger to eat cake.

If you change your mind and delete something you spent ten minutes typing out because you now think you were wrong then you are a goddamn saint and deserve a cookie.

The challenges of reaching across the aisle

Past performance does not guarantee future results. *Disclaimer for all my posts.

You come to me on this day, national nachos day, and you ask me to email the draft?

whistlin dicks, see

why don’t they make medicine for when your heart hurts so much it feels like you’re dying for three weeks straight

Me? I’m just a simple spacefarer making my way through a hostile galaxy.

Am I too old to aspire to 'aloof wife'

I think anyone who observed my life from the outside would probably be surprised to learn that I don’t own a robe

in 1996 my friends and i made a short film on VHS called "cannibal plants" which includes the line "actually cannibal plants would be plants that eat other plants."

Speed-dating prompts to weed out pretenders: 1. Name the best-selling self help title of 1993. 2. What is the HTML color code for laughter? 3. What is more wet: moths or butterflies? 4. On a scale of one to ten, how full is your colon right now?

Right about now, the honk shoo brother

Me: I'm so lucky. Everything has gone right today. Newly opened soy sauce packet: Is that so?

group of toasters just ran past

Calm down hardware store I don’t need to walk through an Enchanted Christmas Wonderland to get to the socket wrenches

the free sample lady must have called them when i wouldn’t leave