No longer telling the difference between night and day how I feel about it and I do not care what planet rotation counselors say about honesty "That's nice. Brighter, not how I am, but half the time is fine"

I suppose I should wash my hair, before it becomes able to walk to work on its own.

Black & white photography has often been used in propaganda to make historical events seem further in the past. For example, less time elapsed between the assassination of MLK and the Challenger explosion than between the creation of the “I can has cheezburger” cat meme and today

thinking about becoming one of those old dudes with eyebrows so out of control that they clutch my glasses to my face

i’m a geriatric millennial. that means i have a tattoo on the side of my index finger so when i’m drinking straight from the water hose, it looks like i have a cartoon, old-fashioned handlebar mustache.

Please, doctor help me! I have this rare condition where I can disagree with someone and not be an asshole about it.

easy breezy beautiful cover-girl

incandescent lightbulbs used to have to struggled against the night but that's all over now

sorry to get political but spider pig was not funny

I don’t make the rules. I don’t even know the rules or if they exist

Just out of earshot of the naked eye.

It’s all a part of my rock and roll sophistry.

Rivers flow into nothing while the ox paradox is at work in the juvenile realm. Time dilation is of use in this moment, but the kinks still have to be worked out

Scratching like itching was going out of style.

My aunt lost her butthole. True story. Now it’s “ opinions are like assholes- everyone’s got one except Aunt Jan”

it’s all fun and games until someone loses a butthole

STOP YELLING AT RECEPTIONISTS/MEDICAL STAFF/SCHEDULERS /SERVICE WORKERS YOU COCK GOBBLING THUNDER CUNTS.

texting “i know what you did” to random numbers with a pic of a bloody knife and a severed grimace arm

My dad had unusually low levels of Neanderthal dna. My mother has a bit higher than average. So, I am a knuckle dragger and ass scratcher. But my knuckles are not hairy.

I liked it. I mean, I'm not going to wake up at midnight and sacrifice something to it in blood worship, but it was fine.

Probably gonna have some noodles about it

promises made promises broken i murmur to myself as i pour another cup of coffee

Maybe stop by PriceCopper and liberate some lobsters

All good Scots go to Walmart commando, right?

Maybe I should have some water?? Maybe you should go get the car keys, sweet cheeks.

Amateurs. Use pool noddles.

I met a hairless cat named Burger today and he liked me so it's not a good time to try to forcibly extinguish my sparkling joie de vivre

If I don’t have a handle, do I even exist?

Forgot to move Fitbit to my ankle for the first half of stupid exercise bike so Fitbit is just going to have to take my word for it

look I don’t want my cats to be the ones in charge but there’s literally nothing I can do about it they fuckn own me

Alright. I binged all the bad things. Well not all. Enough though.

Just heard the hockey announcer say “I guess in MN they call hockey pants breezers” and do they really not call hockey pants breezers anywhere else?

you’re saying you boiled this egg when you were hard?

you’re saying it was hard to boil this egg?

whenever someone under the age of 45 tells me their views on a topic it sounds like they are just repeating what they listened to on a podcast

"When I used to go out, I would know everyone that I saw Now I go out alone, if I go out at all..." music.youtube.com/watch?v=a3iX...

when Bluesky doesn’t like my posts

*sink bathing with holy water* The burning means it’s working—.

I may have a handle on bluesky, but I don’t have a handle on life.

Just another light left on where no one’s looking.

I’ve been trying to figure out this account and I think I’ve finally got it: Jack Handy on peyote backing a cement truck into a rainbow

running for mayor of Los Angeles on a platform of building affordable igloos

me: can someone explain why we have to continue with this farcical exercise in futility? my morning alarm:

A long long time ago a therapist told me I should protect my bubbles

Only available for a limited time: self esteem

My teenager is interviewing at Wendy’s and I’m just like tell them your Dad used to eat there a lot.

To do: ✅ hatch from egg ✅ lap milk secreted from dear mother's skin ✅ electrolocate shrimp dinner with beak ✅ murder rivals with poison spurs ✅ romance the cloaca of a larger female ✅ attend freshwater rave, glow blue in UV light

“Buncha fuckin’ weirdos in here,” my mom says as she stands at my bedroom door. I am alone.

At the counter sipping my milk alternate *eyebrow waggle*

"...What about China? Have you seen the Great Wall? All walls are great if the roof doesn't fall The man you will marry, the home you will share To be honest, I really don't care..." music.youtube.com/watch?v=3V1L...