I hit the gym earlier. Thought I was in reverse but I was in drive.

Try going outside and yelling "COME GET SOME"

If truth and beauty ask for a ride home tell them ideals are out of your way and then flaw it

Why do we assume that some questions have answers and some don't, that's the invitation to silence. And if you RSVP but just kind of stare at where you are or are not going then we have settled it. No one is an ass of us.

No it's much less evolved than that, like a stranded consciousness this vision of an astral lethargy of mine

Clocks should show the “feels like” time.

Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird! Me: Cause you only fly away? Nelly Furtado: [taking a dump on the hood of my car] Something like that, yeah. [runs full speed into a sliding glass door]

I'm like, "It's weird, I'm actually not worried about tomorrow," and then Anxiety is like, "yeah, that's because you're going to die, but you're ALSO stupid"

I've been MIA because an actual dove hunter took out the internet to most of my area. How is this even real life?

Filling out forms just to throw them away as a therapeutic activity. Let's see, what a cool middle initial today it's X or Q. The address is uninhabitable, but legible. Lol. Medical history, that of the dodo. And it's already got one like from a mental health question.

to whoosh and be whooshed, than this there is nothing greater

My three core values are distraction, delusion and whimsy

For the final countdown, a rocket would stay in a motel but a satellite would stay in a hotel. Don't ask me how I know let's just say this telescope did odd jobs for a wife from space

one of you is singing and it’s keeping me awake could you use your hushy voice

Star Trek II directors cut? You mean the long khan?

Neither shitposter nor hitposter but a secret absurd thing (fortune pierogi)

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just try to park my car in there.

"There's always a little more at the very end." The beginning? "No, infinitesimals they get smaller and smaller, magnifying glass, electron microscope if you have to just don't give up." Thanks, I'll never run out of crying over chopped onions now

ok one more red flag then i'm going to bed

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys but not both

Could everyone else stop manifesting for a sec? Some of my stuff isn't happening.

Asking the bridge operator to lower the drawbridge with my head in between so I can hang there comically

I think my new hearing aids make me look fat, because now I hear people saying I'm fat, and that never used to happen.

At the end of the day, im just an honest red-blooded salt of the earth pervert

Monkeys! In The Arctic

We’re a movie theater. You buy a ticket, you watch the movie, you leave. No, we don’t wanna “do your podcast.”

First thing I’ll do when I win the lottery? A trip to Paris. After that I’d pay the thousands I owe to the Mob.

Keep your friends close and your enemies heart medication.

New promotion! For $20, you can see as many movies as you want for two hours.

"FUCK YEAH, EYE MOLE CLUB!" I scream every time I encounter another person with a mole above their eye

You want a pep talk? You either die of stupidity or live with it

I know the day I forget to carry around this engagement ring is the day I’ll meet Rachel McAdams.

Bsky feature where a “Keep Reading” button pops up after you like my post.

[scrolling the Rolling Stone’s 25 most influential creators list] stranger stranger recognize stranger stranger recognize stranger stranger know their entire life story up to Thursday recognize stranger

Building this city on rock and roll was a huge engineering blunder.

some Old Testament wisdom

Let’s all tell our moms we’re sleeping at each other’s houses

ME: *gets bitten by a vampire, becomes immortal* now I have all the time in the world to read, gain knowledge, learn to draw and play the piano <500 years later> ME: *still scrolling*

i was me in my past life too

Punches thrown from other worlds, the roads to nowhere watching but it's just too many views to pay for. The hairs on the back of your neck are suddenly not getting along. And you always said you would never believe in...mysticuffs

You've seen shark tank! You've sat in confusion watching dragons den, NOW get ready for The Wolf Pack! Watch as your idiot cousin Terry gets ripped apart by wolves while trying to pitch his stupid HVAC business idea!

national geographic but with muppets: thread

Fine. I’ll be the one to say it. Ambulances should be driving significantly more recklessly

Checked out an old telephone book & a chunky black rotary phone from that phantom branch of the library down by the train tracks that run along the river.

Recurring nightmares can actually be useful if you dropped your keys in the first one.

The cat hasn't said anything about the new wall colour.

Me: Oh how I long for death's sweet release! Also me: *takes fish oil supplement*

*frantically extricating himself from the time machine* Quick! Where's the closest Montgomery Ward?!

*fills his pockets with rocks and wades into the break room coffee pot*