Which one?

Morning.

Celebrate your foibles.

Advertise your account with a gif

I dropped out of blind school because I saw better places for me to be.

Now, a message from Rev. Thurl H. "Skeet" Ravenscrof: Vodka Shot Bingo 7p to floor. Welcome to the 2026 Winter RevLympics! Who will take the gold in tonight's frozen possum curling? Will the south side win again in the 1000 meter stolen car hood snow surf? God bless.

If you put your finger in the palm of my hand, I'll still grab it. I can't help it.

My YouTube algorithm is worried that I'm watching too much true crime and keeps sending me fluffy kittens.

A guy was wearing a black shirt over a white one. I mistook him for a priest and he was ill equipped to handle my confession.

The bulk shopping members only warehouse runs out of samples Panic! At the Costco!

Everyone knows exactly what they fucking want until someone shows them a fucking world they never imagined existed

Life is fucking mostly choosing which people to fucking disappoint and which to fucking show up for

Everyone knows exactly what they fucking want until someone shows them a fucking world they never imagined existed

Remember!! Epstein #epstein Epstein #epstein Epstein

Started at the bottom, I’m still here

So the pot holes are so bad in this state and the news started talking about it. I got kind of excited to hear what they had to say, maybe they’ve got a new bill that makes them fix it…no.. their suggestion was to slow down while showing a video of the highway..

Me: *wakes up to alarm *chucks phone through the window *rolls back over to sleep

I couldn't ever bring myself to hate you as I'd like, Charlie Brown

if your sock seam is annoying your toes, you're gonna have a bad time

Me at work: I've gotta remember to do all the things when I get home. Me at home: Me at work the next day: I've gotta remember... well, fuck.

The wealthy people detaching themselves from whatever because of their involvement in this mess are making moves to protect themselves & what they have. The fact they’re doing anything different shows that making noise about it works. It’ll take them about a month to figure out how to hide it all.

Happy fat ass Tuesday, to those who observe.

K says: chocolate-dipped fruit is still healthy

them: get with the program! me (vacant expression): what program?

when someone comes to me with an issue, I tell them to prey on it straight up murder that problem

when your mate says they’re so lucky to have you… and you just stand there puzzled like “how do you figure?”

Sorry I can’t. Tonight I’m too busy learning about the history of Chips Ahoy! cookies and thinking of starting a petition to bring back “Cookie Man”

They say that money doesn't grow on trees but that's literally where paper comes from.

If you keep your nose to the grindstone you’ll sharpen your senses.

I don't know which is worse, something worse or something better and you're a sentimental scrapbooking pessimist

Well, seems like everything is still on fire today. At least its Friday, so I don't have to pretend to be a functioning adult all day.

Very excited to announce that as of Feb 11th: I have hit my individual AND family deductible (on a high deductible plan) AND I have hit my out of pocket max for 2026. Yay! Medical debt!

Being in charge of me is exhausting.

Maybe if you scroll through a few dozen of my tweets you might find one that's okay.

Joy is tempered by the jerks with whom we have to deal.

Someone I know sent me a parody of the World's Most Interesting Man titled the World's Dumbest Woman. It was not funny and it felt misogynistic. I should have said something and it bothers me that he thought that I would appreciate it.

Trying on the jacket and say "Looks good!" The salesman said "You looked good even walking into the store." Seems like that guy needs an eye test or a truth serum.

People are saying ICE agents should take off the Mask. I don't know why those deadly thugs should do a parody of a Jim Carrey movie. What do I know?

Does Aquaman get high on seaweed?

Changed the WiFi name to "your butthole" so now every time someone connects to it, it says, "Now connected to your butthole" The grandkids are howling.

Fat Tuesday. Finally. A day right up my alley. Debauchery so intense I need to swear it off for the next 40 days.

C'mon Tuesday. Be silky smooth. youtu.be/IDYcARlKsMM?...

It's just me, throwing off your reskeet-to-like ratio.

Meditation turns to sleep and the sequel knows that the last thing you're going to do in a dream is meditate some more so what's next for zen. You are mindful in a theater, trying to feel pretty Zen 2 also

I wonder if The Muppets have to get inoculated for Big Bird Flu?

Odd how you never hear anything about the Gloomy Green Giant.

Elvis Juice? I’ve always assumed that this was what they found on the bathroom floor at Graceland. I know, I know, don’t be cruel. Probably still too soon.

I’m perfectly willing to give money to NPR but only if they pledge to finally get a bigger desk.