What do you get when you combine a few remaining members of Deep Purple, Foghat, and Captain Beefheart? Come see Deep FogBeef this weekend in the lounge and find out yourself!

Unlike Disneyland, your embarrassing death here will not be played endlessly on the evening news.

I’m just Five Guys in a trench coat.

ME: WHY’S IT CALLED BOWLING AND NOT PINBALL SKYDIVING INSTRUCTOR: *strapped to my back* WE DON’T HAVE TO TALK

I’d have to be pretty turdrunken to eat a turducken

Alexa, talk to the hand

I had a brilliant suggestion to replace my neighbour's prized garden gnome with a realistic statue of a gargoyle flipping the bird. They still haven’t noticed.

[flour marketing meeting] let’s put it all over the outside of the package

I love giving advice. It’s a chance to solve someone else’s problem with a solution I would never use myself.

Slap me with a cheeseburger and tell me I’m pretty.

May you have people that you get at the airport and, when you are the one who has flown, people who get you when you arrive.

just sayin i've never seen anybody in a jeep doin any wranglin

i wouldn’t mind mashin your taters

A spittoon and a singing bowl walk into a dark den of deep meditation. Zen says is none of you lost. Singing bowl spits out a mallet and spittoon says see I told you, if you got me hammered they would not be able to tell us apart, that was my cowboy

People who appreciate the print on your shirt are your people.

Me as a therapist: Have you tried tossing a toaster in your bath about it

Nostalgia is just your past, politely lying to you.

Love that chicken from Popeye's 🎶 but it's me talking about turkey from your mawmaw's house

At a potluck eating socially acceptable portions thinking about what I'm gonna eat standing in the kitchen later

Oops, forgot to post about yesterday’s Sunday brunch special. It was a good one.

When you die, this is the first sign you see.

*Great moments in DM history 1869* My dearest Hortence, I trust you received the tintype of my dick, for which I invested great cost and effort. If you do not find pleasure in it, then kindly go to hell. Sincerely, J Chadington III

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to tread water in the shallow end

Seductively slashes your throat

It's actually del Toro's monster Guillermo is the filmmaker

who hasnt followed a man home when in a feeding frenzy

they need to make this for people. i want Atavan scent

no habla sports

people who relax at home in jeans should be in the front lines of the apocalypse

👋

why are they called eyelids when skindows was right there

Can one car catch rust from another? We still don't know.

the fuck around circle of life

‘You’re not the boss of me…’ I whisper to my dog as I take him out for the millionth time

it’s important to hydrate

I haven’t lost my faith in humanity, I never had any to begin with.

and then Pooh smothered little piglet until he stopped kicking

God has decided to just give up with Earth and start a less ambitious project..

Infatuation Station

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your spouse is by not having one in the first place. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

I don’t like who I turn into when I play Boggle

All my life my Dad’s been callin me an imp which I thought means fairy, but I learned it’s a lil demon & it’s like the nerve on that guy

The song was originally supposed to be “Ancient Geckos Trapped In Baltic Amber Are a Girl’s Best Friend” but it did not flow as well as diamonds

Only commenting on a post without liking it is unsettling behavior. Yes, I’m talking to you.

I wonder who saw first saw the oyster and thought ‘this slimy piece of snot is going to be delicious’

adorable if literal:moth balls

Roses are red give me two in the pink and don’t forget I need one in the stink

Shrek: The Last Airbender

The Trans-Siberian Orchestra should have been called Santa's Slay

buttholes in the wind all they are is buttholes in the wind