Making an impression on sand, it's not as just sitting in the sun with your resume as it seems. Your qualifications may actually become finer than sand if you're weather experienced so be sure to talk down silt

Since there were no after school specials on the weekend we had to resist all of the destructive temptations of adolescence on our own, often by taking a shitload of safe non-addictive specials

This should be the Year of the Manatee. Big Manatee; huge, even

Post-it note fort will be ready soon. I'd say take note, but I'm using those.

Sliding into the overnight sludge to slumber before the next bell tolls for me and I get hooked out with the other slugs to play human once more

Getting smooshed and molded into a new broken record later. Getting smooshed and molded into a new broken record later. Getting...*record scratch*

Why don't they make a 24 hour sleeping pill?

Can't even get somebody to relate to my universal experiences, like the ones I did for you, and you and you and gagged the whole time

There are such serious divisive issues to be outraged by, but I think everyone needs to come together and fight the temperature changing 40 degrees in one day. We can all hate this equally, right?

If you wake me up and don't read my rights to me, I'm going to assume you don't have any either

The soundtrack of my seclusion is all B-sides.

It’s 8 a.m., and I’ve already misplaced my sanity.

Channeling anguish into purpose.

I dunno man, today just feels like a waste of my business pyjamas

Scientists have discovered returning to bed "for just a little bit" after breakfast has positive health effects so numerous they're not even bothering to list them. Plus, them scientists? They so comfy right now. Too comfy for lists!

(taking my brain out and polishing it on my shirt until it begins to work)

First thing I'm gonna do if I win the lottery is lock myself in the bathroom. Second thing? You guessed it, locksmith.

Bombing other countries must feel like crack to an american president

The only ppl getting raptured are the ones that left Britney Spears alone.

After work I do not walk to my car, I slink in the parking garage and descend to its depths, never overground estimate me

MANUARY, A MONTH FOR MEN.

Guy who only understands things in terms of Godzilla vs Mothra: okay but I need you to explain this to me like I'm Godzilla and you're Mothra

Salad is not for sad days. Melting the cheese that is already in your mouth with a kitchen torch is.

Opening old wounds to release some of this sewage water roiling through my veins.

Optimistic enough to leave an aquarium outside for something to come over and live in, but super tasty optimistic enough for it to respect how I constantly monitor hope when I should induce vomiting

The sweetest thing ever told to me was when a drunk said I'm a double vision.

If you drink tonight remember not to operate any heavy machinery. Unless you can get your hands on a zamboni

Thought I was soooo clever sending my 5 and 7yo nephews their Xmas gifts locked inside cash boxes with a 3 page cipher they had to decode for the combination number. The 5yo managed to guess the TOTALLY RANDOM number I picked without decoding a damn thing 💀💀💀

Hey, I’m a bucket of garbage too, just a different bucket full of different garbage.

These days the word kinky is more descriptive of my neck and back than my sexual exploits.

Stressing over one mistake is ridiculous . . . you will probably make many more, wait and stress over all of them together.

Sometimes people don't deserve the benefit of the doubt . . . Sometimes people deserve a slap upside the head.

When I die, I’m donating my body to my wife in case she wants to do something with it

Someone took a vow of celibacy at the zoo after claiming to see a sign that said "DO NOT FEED THE LOINS".

All set for the show

I loathe New Year with a passion that's captured in the small bundle of fear in my lap that you know from my posts as my lord and master, "the cat".

That's enough 2026 thanks

Ouch. ~a declaration

I wish I was alone with lasagna so I could just eat and then go to sleep until it's another year.

Sorry can’t. I got my toe bit by a little tiny dog in a land dispute over the far cushion on the couch.

y'all want some forehead kisses? let's do some forehead kisses. reply below, and i'll give you a smooch on the noggin and tell you nice things.

MISSING CAT❗️ -Answers to the name "Chancellor Parsons" which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

Thinking of calling all interactions ‘a little ring-a-ding ding.’

My nickname back in driving school was unofficial parking space because I'd get all huffy if someone else's car was in my thoughts even though they're public and undesignated

Last night's cocoon did wonders for my feeling safe but my new beauty emerge stage can't feather its hair for shit

No matter how much we're trying to hold on to we end up with so little of it to even gravitate towards reminiscing about, I let all my old friends go for an unforgettable password to jump slowly on the moon

sit with this cute beaver, they’ll make you a believer

woke up on this morning and all was right with my digestive system, and I feel that was a sign from the universe that all will be good this year; or, does that work the other way around

New Year's Eve should be the day we all decide to dump our leftover drafts out onto the timeline.