Just imagine a world where you can send tiny little tactical nuclear warheads soaring over the garden fence every time your neighbour's cat takes a crap in your begonias.

Alcohol is generally the answer, especially when the question was 'why can't I remember what the question was?'

my favourite things about going to bed: 6. freshly laundered sheets 5. ‘me’ time 4. being the big spoon 3. sexy time 2. waking up still alive 1. ᵇᵉᶦⁿᵍ ᵗʰᵉ ˡᶦᵗᵗˡᵉ ˢᵖᵒᵒⁿ

He was rare, like a dog wearing a monocle.

A love like this or I don't want it.

I want to get this dream right..so the clown flips the pancakes

[family restaurant] me: do you serve kids here? host: of course! we serve whole families me: *touches earpiece* it's worse than we thought

I've got xcix problems but a roman numeral ain't i

there’s always that one guy who’s like “you could use your phone to look it up” we know todd let us stew in our own ignorance in peace

Would like a hands free option to read posts in slideshow mode

This trail mix is called “Island Escape” but I’ve eaten 13 servings and nothing yet

Idk who keeps checking or reading my blog every day but bless you, you might even inspire me to actually write!

I don't forget to flush. I flush to forget.

Duck l'orange is what you do if you see an orange coming at your head.

Vanna White turns 69 today. In lieu of cards, send letters.

if the uk can hold a former royal prince accountable for his actions surely we can at least do the same with our *listening and processing* ok i am being told we cannot

*knocking on your airplane window* do you have me muted?

watching other countries hold the rich and powerful accountable

I divorced him, citing he's the reason my fabric is pilling.

Do dogs ever see K-9 units and think "Shit! It's the cops!"

That noise was a last chance to be right about something, paranoia or just reality or nothing means anything. I listened for what seemed like two meaningful noises and realized I'm philosophically nosey

cat: ok, we’re getting out of here, I’ve got an escape plan baby: ok, I’ll tell the dog cat: no! don’t tell the dog, he’s a snitch

Knight of the slightly irregular, final sale Ikea table.

glowing isn’t always a good thing. like that farm pond I used to swim in

Saying “no” without explaining yourself and other acts of bravery.

The yearn is out lobotomies are in

who just straight up drinks milk, you know that shit was squirted out of them wiggly plump fingery boys dangling off an animal with like 87 stomachs right?

Oh no, I used the withered old monkey's paw to scratch the inside of my ear canal and forgot to make a wish entirely.

Meanwhile...the rain to the north of us is like, "I'm not severe, I'm so chill, dude. Just happy to be up here."

Were the consequences even worthy of there being an action. We asked several unintended nicknames and "blockbuster cards magic trick that no eye can return" had this to say

“It’s the thought that counts.” Cute. Try paying bills, carrying boxes, or proposing with thoughts, then move in a thought house.

A Placebo cover band also called Placebo

therapist: how often do you masturbate? me: 7 or 8 times a day or so therapist: good lord man, you need to get a grip me: it's the letting go bit I need help with, doc

HUMPTY DUMPTY HATES WHEN I PLAY HIM “THE WALL”

No, you can't borrow one of the many hair ties on my wrist. They're part of my body now.

"I want my skeleton to be on the outside." You mean like an exoskeleton? "No, I mean like in nature."

This rancher WAS jolly until that shit ripped my fillings out.

Thanks for the invite, but I already have plans to set myself on fire.

Running around, smacking strangers upside the head, screaming the mortally wounded screams of the perpetually "not it."

My three possible reactions to your posts

Reading the original Grimm Brothers stories and realising how much Disney made fairytales of the fairytales.

When you think you're okay but then your person asks if you are really doing okay and you suddenly realize maybe you are not doing as okay as you okayed your self into thinking, okay?

Thinking of giving up completely, digging myself a sod-roofed shelter out of a rocky slope, and keeping a modest potato garden by the bog edge while trying to get in with the local minks and shrews. Perhaps finding a niche in the bog economy. Perhaps just apprenticing to become a marmot.

Well, at least that hangnail stopped at the nipple…

Olympics are fine but nothing beats the thrill of watching the map with the little car carrying my pizza

Au contraire, so there. It's fair. Ain't we a pair? Double dog dare, I don't care.

Don't make me count the syllables and turn this in to a haiku, bitch.

"Everyone poops!" isn't the rallying cry I thought it would be.

Watch out Guiles thinkin about freedom