Behold, at the horizon, it's the four horsemen of the apocalypse, coming to end the world and ... wait, why are y'all cheering? What do you mean "it's about time"? This is the end of the world, stop cheering damn it!

calling my weight loss journey the bodyssey

My mom says never to count how many people don't like me but how will I know when there's enough to trade for a giant who doesn't like me

you don’t have to do all the things cool how about none of them

Thing I wrote about cheese in The Disappointed Housewife

Barnacles all the inland seabirds dreaming about wet sanding the insides of my skull I wouldn’t’ve noticed but the finish was too close And the seas began to rise to remove all imperfections in this dream psyche and a tide of ants a tide of grainy pills and magic I will, I will take those

I don't let my age define me, but the side effects are getting harder to ignore.

At this age my only sex toys are a defibrillator and oxygen tank.

"People love you for more than just your looks," I mumble to the old man staring at me in the mirror.

Eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner at Baskin Robbins to avoid contaminated foods. I'm protecting my health, after all.

You could save thousands by switching your therapist to Bluesky.

Jaws - Canada version

do u guys still do that thing where u make your hand go numb so it feels like a stranger is jerking u off, but also: have u ever tried to make your dick go numb so that it feels like ur jerking off a stranger

Please don't be super hot and a moron, that makes me sad

You true crimed me in the spirit of having to watch every shocking next second for evidence ripped from your heart and that means "footage" but if you don't like feet it means sexy interviews with neighbors

Turning into a silver fox

I have a tattoo of a hammock on each of my biceps. They used to be beds.

let’s go a little where no one can smell our morning breath stick your clothes in the dryer clever clogs let’s go fingering breakthroughs come and go like feet sweat where we’re lithe and we don’t really exist and we feel good and no daily possum is alone, ever #whistpr #vss365 #poetry

Solar She has gravity a dynamo sending out flares even behind closed eyes— 8 mins 19 secs at light speed Outside a herd of lawnmowers growl & chew Birds are screaming is her perception as she warms the air the room while you are warmed by her clever, clever you #vss365 #poetry

Swapping the like and repost numbers caused me to like Rick Berman.

swapping the like and repost numbers caused me to leave my body for a couple of minutes

Swapping the like and repost numbers caused me to start thinking giraffes aren't all that weird.

Swapping the like and repost numbers caused me to start speaking fluent Klingon.

Swapping the like and repost numbers caused all the breakers in my house to flip.

I am not sweating my body is raining

contempt for expectations too difficult to conceive stone cold commiserations that emptiness will perceive

going back into work after my break almost lost my balance from just walking in imaginary clown shoes was relieved that nobody saw until i remembered the camera at the front door

Before: Fuck it, I'm gonna cut my own hair. After:

i will not chase my dreams. last night i was a raviolo running from a cartel. they called me ravioli but I was just one. no thanks

If the end of the universe was sponsored by Taco Bell: the Big Freeze- the Baja Blast the Big Crunch- the Crunchwrap Supreme the Big Slurp- the Drinks Party Pack the Big Rip- I'll let you sort this one

I don’t meditate, but this one time I didn’t look at my phone for ten minutes

Ok I've had enough apocalypse I'm ready to move onto post-apocalyptic times

Blep the blip till it bee boop bop

[american civil war] soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

Swapping the numbers caused me to miss my dad's funeral.

I wonder how much Bluesky paid the design geniuses who came up with the idea of swapping the placement of likes and reposts.

Summer day in Iowa.

I feel like my cat might not be great with social cues cos I've never once stood on his shoulders while HE takes a dump

so if I wake up with drool on my face does that mean the dog was dreaming about me?

He told me I had nice teeth. He told me he loved my legs and my big brown eyes. It wasn’t so much a date as a livestock auction.

I’m one intestinal parasite away from my ideal body weight.

Feel like doing something risky tonight, like eating a salad or going for a walk in the park?

Thinking of postponing the launch of my protein lettuce you guys

To you, med titration and neck pain and those who always start out seeing the best, until they adjust their vision a night full of strange lights and neon very evil, a very break your heart trying lack of oxygen a kind of travelogue, a doing this for me cry for help #vss365

A beautiful girl Faithful and pure I'll spend my life With this one for sure And then she spoke Line after line And I knew this treasure Was forever mine "Open your mouth I'm the golden whizzer Then take off your pants And our buttholes we'll scissor"

Finally worked up the nerve to ask the pretty drive thru girl at Arby’s out and she threw a basket of curly fries at me.

Sorry I kept bringing up Poppin Fresh while we were sexting.

Sex Journal, Day 1849: Finished another jigsaw puzzle.

A fun prank is to play on your kids is to replace their Cheerios with bees & then TRANSFER THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION FROM THE BOURGEOISIE TO THE PROLETARIAT

When all you have is a hammer every problem looks like a nail. Or Kevin's head. Kevin's big... fat... stupid head.