I know I know but is this not just the cutest?

Bought a present for myself, can’t wait to open it!

Have you ever brushed a fresh out of the toaster warm brown sugar and cinnamon pop-tart with melted butter though?

HOW CAN I BUILD A BEAR I’M NOT GOD

it’s a shame your dog can’t see in color to appreciate his lovely pink sweater

HELLO SHARKS: OUR REVOLUTIONARY APP CONNECTS UFC FIGHTERS WHO PUT PEOPLE TO SLEEP WITH THE INSOMNIACS WHO CRAVE IT

"Nobody is really who they say they are online" I can assure you that I really am like this

Thinking of starting a legion of Jessicas since there's so many of us. We'd be especially powerful if we join forces with the Jennifers

Give it to me, baby [me when I take candy from a baby]

i am eating muffins and taking names and i am all out of names

bsky is the wall and we’re all just spaghetti

Oh that's where "biological pronouns" comes from. Gross

Call me a statue the way I'm just there with dead eyes not talking to anyone

I'm like if an old man was a middle aged woman

If it was over then, it's not all over now. In confetti terms it's celebrate continuously. Be regretted, be all over the place, be too impossible to be all gotten. Floors though. Like I'm not living cluttered to the fullest

- Am I the only one who... - No, you're not the only one. Shut the fuck up.

"I know you're awfully busy, but will you get me some parsley, sage, and rosemary?" "Yeah. When I get thyme."

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a heated argument between warring factions.

So why would you say it's the start of telling some jokes about hippies rather than say this is the dawning of the age of hilarious?

I'm so glad the commercial warned not to attempt having deer, lions, nor llamas drive a car.

In Hell, you are perpetually stuck between the tailgaiter and the asshole going 10 under the speed limit.

White and red wine pairs well with different foods but both pair well with difficult relatives and annoying neighbors.

You're officially old when she sends you a nude selfie and all you're interested in is what kind of pizza in the box behind her.

“AI is going to replace you.” I hope so. I can’t take this shit anymore.

- I can’t believe I was hacked. - What was your password? - The year the Mongol Empire, with the help of the Southern Song dynasty, completed its conquest of the Jin dynasty after the final Jin stronghold of Caizhou fell. - And when was that? - 1234

Smart, but not enough to stop putting lotion on my hands and then trying leave the room right away. The doorknob won't turn! Stuck forever.

It's almost the weekend

Please fax me all your Rolodex cards, I want to make new friends and share an investment opportunity

Gotta hit the sack, tomorrow morning I start my “7 weeks to self fellating” yoga class

Ooh yeah pour that hope all over me, baby

I have an awful stomach ache right now and I’m trying to figure out which of my three dinners caused it.

Imagine a cobra out in the wild, starving and pissed, then he hears a flute and goes, "Damn, that’s my jam!"

Imagine just throwing your trash on the ground, like, "I am done with this. It is not my problem." Then someone else walks up, they're done too, and they're like, "What do I do with this? Oh I see! I will just let go. I will just open my hand and forget I ever had this." Quit littering hearts

hi

The native Americans had never seen a European belt before but they still laughed at the pilgrims for buckling their hats.

Arlo is here to get cozy and win hearts

GIRLFRIEND: I'm sorry but I need to break up with you. ME: Is it because I do a pterodactyl screech every time I see a baby? HER: Yes. Yes it is.

Me: *telling cute new young guy about my hobbies* Cute New Young Guy: what's minesweeper

Every mistake comes with a little disguise it makes a show of reaching for, it's up to you whether you say french maid or I just forgot your birthday and your modesty

Just once, I’d like to admire my naked body in a full length mirror without getting kicked out of Kohl’s.

I like my Topias to have more U than Dys, as it turns out

I do not want to hug my mayor but I would like to hug yours.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

At an awkward age: old enough to be grumpy at the noise of fireworks but I still can't avoid going woooooo every time

I've spotted a large Muppet in the wild. I'm going to try and pet it, maybe feed it some trail mix.

Me: *hovering in midair, weeping black flames, strange glyphs swirling around my body in Eldritch scripts, bellowing in Latin* My Boss, going around the table at our weekly team meeting: ...okay, we'll just circle back to you later

I wish to unsubscribe from love and register for periodically having someone cover my saved shopping carts at my local bookstores.

Every single post I have ever saved has been by accident or act of God.