Every time I opened the book, the scent of warm, freshly baked bread would rise from the pages & I could only read a line or 2 before I had to go & get a sandwich or find an all-night bakery. In this way, the book evaded me, kept its crystalline internal logic hidden from my eyes.

Wife: So whatcha thinking about Me: If jennifer lawrence had married martin lawrence, she'd still be jennifer lawrence Wife: My fault for asking (this is a real thing that happened)

studying for my eye exam like a good pupil

I finally got accepted to The Lions Club and I was so excited. But, guess what I found out they don't have there. Bullshit, is what this is.

You eat one amazing peach then spend the rest of your life buying lousy peaches trying to repeat the experience. Forever chasing that peach dragon; that’s how good it was.

When I was little I heard the word serendipity. I went to look it up in a dictionary and couldn't find it. That pretty much has set the tone for my whole life so far.

The corny macabre.

Never trust a zeitgeist.

Intermittent friendship.

In my day the Backrooms brought hope not stress

It doesn’t matter who let the dogs out. We need to find those dogs. They have the antidote

Archeologists discover ancient civilization whos language consisted only of minion gifs

*suddenly appearing on your couch after a year and a half off of all social media, handing you a cookie, and a hug (if you're into that kind of thing)* Sorry! I got distracted! Hi!

The adult version of Operation is sticking a fork in the toaster

I am finding peace. I meditate to the sound of someone shaking a jar of pennies and screws next to my head. My resting heart rate is 277bpm and I'm always sweaty.

WWJD ..What would Jimothy do.

Too bad that Grape Nuts doesn’t mean people who relay wacky information via the grape vine.

Surely now, the brown rice must be done. It has been so long. So very long. I was a young man when I started. Now I am old. So very old.

ME: You know what they say Sharon, God loves a crier HER: It's trier ME: *tearing up* omg I'm going to hell

Stepping on rocks with the feet! New sensations! Limitless brain stimulation opportunities! Try Today!

Pausa de Hidratacion

I heard 70s rock giants Queen and Kansas are teaming up for what's billed as the Another One Bites the Dust in the Wind Tour.

I saw a cowgirl at a rodeo doing some fancy tricks with a lasso. And that's all she rope.

*pretending to know something about soccer* me: I too drink my worlds from a cup

I'm never really alone because I'm always beside myself.

I read that you can think about shooting free throws for a month without setting foot on a basketball court and get better at it. I tried that with playing guitar. A month later I threw my guitar straight through the net.

Her transformation to seal is almost complete

Despite all my hydrangea I'm still just a rat in a cagea

Y ahora es el momento de la música de Conway Twitty

Jimothy? Wasn’t he a cricket in a disney film.

This batch of adderall is pink and orange instead of orange and white or completely orange, hopefully the pink has some extra focusing power

Caught a waterfall today. TAG! It can chase me now.

Metal, medal, mettle and meddle are four more reasons that English is infuriating.

Self careless.

Going to the garden centre and smelling all of the flowers while moaning super loudly, then leaving without buying anything

one time when i was young i came home & showed my mom that i got a tattoo & she went in her room, locked the door & used a oujai board to summon the ghosts of our family’s ancestors so that she could try to figure out why i was such a terrible son.

The men's room is 100% pro Jimothy. The world heals.

Are you even sponge worthy? -me to the dirty dishes in the sink

Whole lot of disdain and datdain going on

riff writer’s lament

People keep making amazing art and memes about Jimothy and I want to share them, but they don't have alt text! This is Jimothy (the Seattle raccoon with a short spine so he looks like a head with legs) from the side, walking up a red vine-like flourish like a medieval marginalia illustration.

You're strong! You survive! You stay alive, no matter what occurs! I will find you! No matter how long it takes, no matter how far. My email will find you!"

I am the anthropomorphic manifestation of a bad time.

salad is poison so now i’m having funfetti cake and diet coke for breakfast

I need one of these

my drafts folder and my kid both wish they were adopted.

I too only lounge all sexy like and camera ready (the blob types as she realizes her shirt is on backwards and inside out again)

Fingering my melon. Respectfully of course. Such a big little guy.

*laughs in smoke particulate* Whee!

some razzle, not a lotta dazzle