Adding “Dairy” to my work experience with no context

I knew someone who actually died on a hill. I refused to attend the funeral because I don’t reward clichés.

job interviewer: so what would you say your greatest weakness is? me: oh I couldn't pick

Who wants to hang out and just cry together?

if dogs ran things we’d have smell-o-vision by now

I threw money at the problem but I ran out of money before I ran out of problem.

Apollo is 7 months today ❤️ look at those jackrabbit feet

moonlight fox

Spilling fresh coffee in my lap only to find it isn't even hot enough to scald me is why I have trust issues.

taking my spine out to straighten up a few things real quick

My postman loves it when I try to grab his fingers through the letterbox

Literally.

If you need me, I’ll be in my depression closet

my condo has no nooks or crannies or interesting architectural details it has all the charm of a pasta charm bracelet your 5 y/o made for you in kindergarten hold on that’s very charming nvm

I’m a better person when I don’t have to set a morning alarm

Working book titles: Ten Thousand Knives in the Twat Fire Ants of Love Wonder Wander Further Farther No Shit Dickhead

At least I got to watch the local crows squabble over a fast food bag this morning.

He's a rebel Dottie, look at him eating all the silica packets.

What’s wrong, Congress? You’ve barely even touched your checks and balances

Inside me there are two wandering minstrels

Getting through life one what the fuck is this at a time.

what a year

If I let my teeth rot out of my face now, will it make my skeleton more approachable after I am dead?

If you don't feel like yourself today, here are some disguises to wear out into the world: - potato wizard - librarian of darkness - underemployed rock bassist - landlocked sea witch - moss covered monstrosity

Going to check my notifications before I nap. Ah yes, still none

Shenanigans implies the existence of henanigans and they/themnanigans.

Putting my cold foot on my own leg to see how I like it

the fifa peace prize used to mean something

Clear day today, blustery but dry. We decided to go for our favourite fish’n’chips by the sea, and Hicksy thought this was a great idea obv! We met a lot of people and some nice pups too, and the sea was beautifully wild. #BecauseFuckDoomSeriously

I'm making a breakfast casserole and I used about twice as much cheddar as usual because I'm hoping I can cheese the sad away.

In this house, we open the windows on a 45°F day to air it out, then close it back up and put some corned beef on the stove to simmer. With cabbage to add later. Still better than old stale air. 😂

Here’s your morning mood, courtesy of Nada Hayek.

Benny and I have some thoughts on mud season

i do not have the capacity to process any more horror if you need me i will be lying on the kitchen floor covering my naked body in cold cuts

Cheesy 80s movie and chill?

Ever wake up with the crippling desire to retreat from society

One time a confused hermit crab lived in my nose for about 2 weeks, so in fact I believe you'll find I do know what being pregnant is like thanks

Where the waves crash against the rocks—that is your altar

I am constantly having to look up who you are talking about and then having to scour my browsing history with bleach.

Oh congratulations, Time magazine just named you Insidious Plague Upon the Earth of the Year.

The child is learning the piano, less Chopin more Nopin.

Me lol 😹

I wonder what kinda hairstyles Eagles had before they went Bald?

Just typed existential decay when I meant exponential decay but honestly

inspecting the flows, sampling the flows, nurturing flows

Anyone volunteer to save me from myself?

I think they fucked up when they named Willem Dafoe. Willem Dafriend is more like it.

"Unclench your jaw" no that is the only thing holding it all together

Old man yells at cloud computing

Hi light as opposed to heavy, we meet again! I am light as opposed to shallow.