If one is an advocate of a classless society with common ownership of property and means of economic production but also enjoys light hearted fiction centered on romantic ideals would you call them a rom-commie?

What if I told you the bells weren't actually jingling. What if I told you that's how they scream.

Your mom and I are getting a divorce. We flipped a coin and you’ll be living with me. No, I lost

I can write better than this but I don't want to be the one the aliens abduct and force to punch up their ultimatums.

not many people know this but isaac newton was listening to 'get down on it' by kool & the gang when he discovered gravity

Sorry that I can't feign enthusiasm about the holidays. I just don’t avid in me.

Naming a class of battleships after a draft dodger is an insult to all men and women who have ever worn the uniform.

Pretty surprised to discover that despite being filled with metaphors and double entendres, the song 'Back Door Santa' is NOT about anal sex.

Her: Come over and help me remove my G string. Him: *drives like a maniac* Her: *answers the door with a guitar in her hands*

Presents wrapped, stocking stuffed. Now to unwind by murdering a bunch of people in a video game. 'Tis the season 🥬

10,000 Maniacs in 1997 is worth about 20,200 Maniacs today.

Sasquatch is disrespected by people who question his existence... Yeti never complains...

OK, listen up, assholes. Christmas is a holiday New year's is a holiday They're a week apart Saying happy holidays does not negate Christmas. We used to say it in catholic grade school Thank you for coming to my Ted talk

*advertising that my food truck has "4 Michelins"*

Traffic lights are philosophical riddles; they turn red the moment you start believing in momentum, just to remind you the universe is in charge, not you.

I'm officially at "fuck all this shit, everyone is getting a motherfucking gift card" stage of Christmas shopping

The only DM that fooled me was a fake account of my state's governor who opened with, "Shawty what that thang do" and of course I accepted it because I am active in politics

Epstein bragged in his private emails that he gave Putin inside info about Trump. And Putin’s right hand openly reminded Trump that Putin has videos of him on Epstein island. If the billionaire-owned corporate media was doing their job, they’d be talking about this 24/7.

Everyone talks about python coding but I can’t imagine how a snake could possibly execute a programming language without fingers.

Can't wait to share the gym with throngs of new year's resolutioners for the first three weeks of January

don’t wrap presents on the floor without a plan on how to get back up

Going grey and becoming more morally so

When they describe baby Jesus as a “holy infant so tender and mild” he sounds like a basket of buffalo wings.

bad news: the last slice of pizza didn’t fix me maybe if I had had just one more

it gets notably quieter on here around the holidays which is a shame bc I would love to see how people post from their parents' house as their regressed 17-year-old self

Christmas fucking miracle right here

Yes, sir, polling suggests a majority would absolutely like you to leave the presidency to make “hosting” a full-time job

Thanks to Trump supporters, Santa Claus had to create three lists this year: naughty, nice, and too stupid to know the difference.

Pretty sure THIS is the only way, although a far better question is why would I want to?

How I wish today's music was as good as the songs I hated as a kid.

The older you get the more you stare into the toilet bowl afterwards. Searching for death.

Convinced that there is a small group on here that is in fact one person talking to himself.

2026 is already making me tired

This morning, I don’t need a motivational quote, I need a motivational forklift.

Kid: "Dad, why is latex so important?" Dad: "Well,son, if I used latex, I wouldn't be having this conversation right now."

Bold of a guy who’s always yelling at hos to put me on a naughty list

At this festive time of year I'd like to remind everyone to praise Odin.

Every company: we will never ask for the 6 digit code we texted you, dont ever tell anyone ever that super secret code upon risk of devastating consequences Xfinity rep: what is the 6 digit code we texted you?

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Bari Weiss and David Zaslav aren't "bad at their jobs," they're doing exactly what they're getting paid for -- to devalue media outlets so they can be gobbled up by the right. They're actually doing a very good job!

also interesting that the administration thinks it has a say in CBS News personnel matters. perhaps they've been given an indication that they do.

The DOJ is not even trying to hide that it functions as Trump's personal law firm

so the two notable programming moves bari weiss has made at CBS are... airing an interview nobody watched and not airing a 60 Minutes segment that everybody watched. it's like she's satirizing herself

Maybe CBS can accidentally send the unredacted Epstein files to their Canadian affiliates as well 🤔

Every time that White House squatter calls a Black woman low IQ, I want to break his jaw. He has all kinds of other adjectives for white women but always goes to lack of intelligence when talking about Black women. He has some nerve, with his stupid ass. Wouldn't be surprised if his IQ is below 100

NARRATOR [Morgan Freeman voice]: But he was not, in fact, extra based.

If only RFK Jr's family had treated young RFK Jr the way he's treating kids in the US

I think as a form of protest against all the redacted files that the DOJ has released, we should send our tax filings out like this. Hey, if it’s good enough for them, then why not? 🔄

Some of you will believe any horrific allegation about our president merely because it's fully consistent with who he is

If they are censoring news stories that make them look bad, what do you think they’re doing to all the accurate, factual reports about the economy that definitely make them look bad?!? 🤔