Given enough time, everything in America becomes either a stock market or a religion.

One trip to the gynaissance faire and he thinks he knows where the grail spot is 🏆👑 Congratulations @benedictsred.bsky.social from @mayornaise.bsky.social

Every part of the vagina also sounds like something you would see on a medieval map

I don't need to get roasted online, I live with a kid who asks me if it's ugly sweater day as I am driving him to school

Good flannels never get washed, a good axe washes them anyway. Inspojack and I'm logging on

Sure. But you have friends everywhere.

Fell through my deck at my college apartment. Straight down to concrete like a sack of russets. Didn’t break a bone. Skinned up pretty bad. Hobbled. Got a nice little settlement.

Don’t begrudge a person taking a break for social media. Why would you take that thrill away?

You can argue how democracy depends on journalism, but journalism also needs democracy. It doesn’t violate antique notions of objectivity to believe in doing good work in defense of freedom, equity and privacy. But defending notions of freedom is different than a pledge of allegiance to the state.

This comes down broken men being told that all of the reasons their lives are terrible due to outside forces instead of learning how much control they have over their own sad, miserable position in life. Persecution is a less bumpy road than the one marked “self-reflection.”

Ask "Is it?" when someone says "it's nice to meet you".

I always want to do one of those NGL thingies but ngl, some of y'all scare me.

This years quota for know-it-alls has been met. Keep that in mind when responding. Thanks for attending my Ted Talk.

Things I have air fried this week instead of getting help - chicken cordon bleu - chicken tikka samosas - chicken nuggets

Good versus evil lacks nuance. Why not try “mediocre versus kinda mopey?”

fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me. fool me three times and damn you’re really hot tbh.

When I make apologies for poor performance or absence, they sound like fictitious nonsense like "Sorry I didn't submit that proposal, I got jalapeno hands in my ear canal because I removed and replaced an ear bud while cooking and needed to lie down and funnel olive oil in my ear" but I assure you

Watch out 2054

a guy on the dating apps asked me if im trying to lose weight so don’t tell me chivalry is dead!

The only way I would ever go back to Twitter is to troll for MAGA paypigs to fund my radical liberal pursuits

I don't know what it meant when I finally connected all the dots but it sure looked unlike I do visual story straightforwardly

Realizing that more people in the world see me as just some guy than as an adorable lovebug

I thought it was a good idea to play run the bases on rollerblades in the street and lost a lot of skin on my one knee. It took forever to heal. Teenagers are dumb.

Work should have an end of day hug sesh like SNL

The Please Kill Me Players take the stage for another Monday performance

One day you’re young and wild, and then suddenly you catch yourself enjoying a reel of a guy on the beach finding stuff with a metal detector.

Optimistic enough to leave an aquarium outside for something to come over and live in, but super tasty optimistic enough for it to respect how I constantly monitor hope when I should induce vomiting

Oh, ok- I just walked in on that sorry to interrupt 🥴

That monkey paw Stephen Miller found has to be on its last finger by now

Ok but what about

The whole ufo thing would have been a bigger deal back in the day because our news sources were either one tv channel or a piece of string

I know it’s been said many times, many ways, but UV rays have gradually deteriorated the rubber gasket around the stink pipe going through your roof

Next up: Liechtenstein. They have it coming.

I used to think the adults in the room would at some point check his baser instincts. I was wrong. Care for a Tums?

So what I wanna know is, if we survive this, are we gonna demo all the shitcrap he’s had built? I’ve got a sledge, pry bars, and a couple AC/DC cassettes. Call me

As I watch my belly button lint circle the shower drain, I wonder what manner of Toy Story-type adventures await it. “Somebody’s poisoned the water hole,” I exclaim and we laugh and laugh. Like you, I have a rich inner life. It helps to distract me from the relentless struggle and pain

Things could be worse [threatening]

New year new mental health deductible

Few things are as embarrassing as having to sign my name with my finger

There should be a zoo experience where you try to outdrink a panda

Making orange juice

when you protect your peace so hard you don’t even have an emergency contact anymore.

"Kites tied to the arms of the gesturing at everything!" I cry lightly as I leap to battle the air between the roof and the sideyard

tv update: there’s a new reality show on netflix about old socialites in palm beach, florida and they all hang out maralago and it’s sorta terrible

venezuela oil better be cheap now bc i’m sick of paying so much for it on amazon

Making an impression on sand, it's not as just sitting in the sun with your resume as it seems. Your qualifications may actually become finer than sand if you're weather experienced so be sure to talk down silt

winning* hearts and minds *breaking

Being white at Starbucks is considered camouflage.

She was supposed to be 60% water but it turned out she was 100% AI.