My body likes to treat me to a cold every now and then to remind me the importance of lazing around in a robe and stuffing my face

A group of white women is called a privilege

doth the reply maketh the guy

are they gonna tell us when to stop "saving for retirement"?

September 30 October 1

Nothing through the whole nihilism exam until the essay question "reasons to have no good reason" I just put false but failed for feeling good about it

You could fit my limited vocabulary into a really small thingy.

When even the next couple words seem disapproving, unconditional love shakes its 17 little vibrational feedbacks at you

what’s the illness that makes you tear up from hearing song dedications on the radio?

If you must turn 47 and you must be out of town for a conference and solo on your birthday, can I recommend having this image greet you when you walk out of your Airbnb bathroom naked after a shower

Please join me in wishing a happy birthday to my bestie, the most impactful woman I know! You may not know she's constantly winning awards for the work she does and one of the hardest working (and beautiful) people I get to know all my life. Ali, you young fresh vibrant force of nature, HAPPY DAY!

I take placebos for my imposter syndrome.

i worked in a hulk hogan restaurant for two days once, it was corporate beach garbage and employees had to pay for parking. rest in hell brother.

let's celebrate hulk's death by putting on a sweet puppet show of ozzy guitar riffing him into hell

idc if we need a date night paying someone to sit on the baby just doesn't sound safe

babies being brats while still in the womb is so on brand tbh

so annoying when you're trying to stalk someone and every ig post is just a giant fish

in retrospect, liking season 8 of game of thrones was a real red flag i should not have ignored.

my greatest fear is being wrong about anything ever

sorry i've been sleeping in your crawl space for a week but i don't understand why you're firing me?

being pregnant is half worrying you've killed the baby and half worrying the baby will kill you

help i've been crushed by the weight of existence

i went to hell and all i got was this kidz bop jazz mix album

husband: i had a nightmare you left me me: i had a nightmare one of the bedrooms in our house was trying to murder us

breaking news: free speech is actually a paid privilege

your untimely demise now streaming on both netflix and hulu!

sorry i've been mia it's hard to be funny while sober

if my baby comes out weird looking i'm sticking him back in to cook longer

being pregnant sucks but i'm really looking forward to all the screaming

i leave for a while but i always return. like herpes but less fun

Kelis voice: hey Dirty! baby i got salmonella. should i worry! i said hey!

No one asked me, which is fine, but if you wanted millennials on board with raw milk, your easiest solution is an Ol’ Dirty Bastard hologram

raise your hand if you are happy and doing well so we can excommunicate you

Every day is fall if you’re drunk enough to topple.

Sitting on the porch all day peeling and pitting a whole family size bag of peanut m&ms

Packing for a work trip is an impossible word problem to me. You have to look professional but it will be 85° & you have to walk everywhere. You have to take your shoes off at the airport but can only take 3 pairs max. Your closet only offers home hobo or aged borings and there's no time to shop

i’m good at being a sad sack

Not feeling so out of place since putting white coats on all the trees and planting comically large butterfly nets around an old cartoons mental healthcare system

“Even a cat can look at a king.” Cats: Can’t we just show him our assholes?

Instead of doing laundry, I am saving time by sewing my own clothes from discarded draperies I found in the dumpster behind HomeGoods

The only acceptable birthday cake piping in 2025

me as the IT guy: have you tried eating a cinnamon roll?

Someday you'll grow up and out of being reposted by us and just be 're-something elsed' by your peers. And you might also compare us to their reposters and realize we were kinda weird. Sorry for that, it all happened so two wolves, us flirting

I just assume that if any of my posts have been saved it was an accident induced by drugs or alcohol.

My dating app profile just says “Caveat emptor.”

This daily maps calendar doesn't come in very handy but it is inspiring to see a way out of any square, even if you have to make a break for the coffee ring up in desk man's curve. Where are you going, you were my millionth follower

[on a hot first date] her: wanna do something fun like truth or dare? me: sure her: you go first me: okay, truth her: tell me something you’d never think to tell me on a first date me: uh the meds I take for my autoimmune disorder cause psoriasis and one time it was all around my butthole

You could make an entire neighborhood from all of my mental blocks.

america: checking on friends to make sure they weren’t in a mass shooting