You are being haunted by an incredibly lazy ghost who really can't even be bothered. But haunted nonetheless.

homie, wtf is wrong with you? (me to me)

do i have to see the first five films to understand The Sixth Sense (1999)

If youre asking me to fax something in the year of our lord 2025, im allowed to smoke in your office

*First day as a drug dealer*: "is Pepsi ok?

Worried I might never find a job this bad again.

I'm not anti America exactly, but does the competition have a brochure or something I could look at

Don't rly appreciate the word "miracle" being used in the title of skin care products

slowly rotating under the shower head like a human rotisserie chicken

scream powered phones someone get on that

i was raptured earlier but didn’t care for it they kept trying to get me to sign up for paramount+ anyway i’m back now

i really want an exotic cat for a pet but it sounds like an ocelot of commitment

I am only sure of like 11 things and 10 of them are "how many fingers I have".

No, and I don't care to know the muffin man either, tyvm

Eating clam chowder out of the can with my hand like Winnie the Pooh

even as a little boy i always dreamt of having bad knees

i love posting my thoughts online. now they're your problem.

Breaking off chunks of time to save for later

this mime is terrible at karaoke

I haven’t been posting lately because looming just outside your window has been taking up too much of my time

Woke up 2 hours before my alarm and couldn't get back to sleep so I get it serial killers

i only cook to make sure my smoke alarm works

Fuck Marry Kill: Win Lose Draw

redactions will continue until morale improves

I like to spread the cheer on burnt toast

ME: skip school and we’ll go to the movies REBELLIOUS TEEN: fuck you dad i want to learn

How does one “make love” when it constantly exists?

AI is a disease that we all have to live with until we find a cure (EMP).

That’s not dandruff, it’s Parmesan, from my commute spaghetti.

I’ll always remember 2025 and that one decent day I had

I have a new archnemesis at work, please join me in cursing him

passive-aggressive potato salad

Shopping for new bathroom carpet in the Sears catalog would fix me.

If you spell your name Corrie or if you spell it Corey, I want you to know that I say them differently. You won’t be able to hear it with your ear, but I am saying them differently. 

i faked that biting lip emoji

This time of year when you rage against the machine chances are that machine is a neighbor's noisy leaf blower.

*repeatedly yells "representative" into the abyss

I've never had a good gateway error.

invaluable means valuable???? what the fuck are we even doing about this

Be yourself. But also, double-check with people first.

*smashes face on keyboard* *hits send*

*irrigates sinuses before talking to hottie at the bar*

Parlors ranked: 1. Ice cream 2. Beauty 3. Funeral

I can’t always transcend. Sometimes I require a brief dramatic wallow.

Hey email, I know my debt is outstanding. Proud of it out there, living its best life. Breathing that good air.

she was rare, like a birthday card that was written out more than 10 minutes before being given

jesus didn't have a smart phone but he did have a psalm pilot

i’m attracted to bad girls as in they’re just bad at it

You can tell how a woman feels about you by the way she twirls her hair and keys your car.

Conquering chronic lateness by never going anywhere 😎