what horrors await us today?

at church today the pastor read all of your posts out loud and then rebuked them in the name of jesus, just fyi

Every time I eat garlic bread I imagine how conflicted of a vampire I would be

being awoken by geese is like a gaggle of clowns honking outside my bedroom window, signifying the beginning of life’s daily horrors but it’s ok

where is my mind is my favorite song about not knowing where your mind is

starting a social media platform where nobody can post on it, communicate with anyone on there, or even sign up for it

network television needs a tv show with a character who is an active shitposter

excuse me but there was nothing in the wedding invitation about “no capes”

I may not be likable but I’m also not wealthy too.

[giving treats to dog] thank you for not being people

WALTER LANTZ: what should i name my cartoon bird ANIMATOR: boner bonedick WALTER LANTZ: what no ANIMATOR: stiffy stiffwang WALTER LANTZ: absolutely not ANIMATOR: woody woodpecker WALTER LANTZ: i love it

i must be trippin, this elevator music slaps rn

*racking a shotgun as i grill my daughter’s date* do you have a podcast?

being a kid rock fan doesn’t automatically make you a piece of shit but it does push your application to the front of the line

call me old fashioned but I’m against nazis

If you can’t find a man who meets your expectations, don’t be afraid to settle And by settle I mean settle in at home for some quality you time by yourself long-term, because living without bs doing whatever the fuck you want is genuinely wonderful and way under rated. 11/10 stars, would recommend

The spaghetti scene from "Lady And The Tramp" but we're sharing a phone charger

Me: "I can't wait to finally go out and party this weekend. It's been so long." Me (at 9:30 on Saturday night): I" wonder if Domino's will deliver a third time tonight."

Server: would you like some freshly grated cheese? Me: yes! *opens mouth*

I just called To say WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

Really getting tired of letting things sink in for a second

Hate to burst your bubble, but…I’m kidding I love it. Fuck your bubble

if bsky tanks i guess i’ll go back to saying stupid, weird, uncomfortable things to various cashiers and waitstaff

my best-performing asset class is Costco refund checks

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

a website of surveys for angry apple™️ product users called iRate somebody write that down

True intimacy is when you brush their teeth while they're brushing your teeth

You smell like fried chicken, wanna make out?

always think to myself “how do they know?” anytime anyone calls me bologna breath

[seeing your dick for the first time] MAMMA MIA Olive Garden's never-ending soup or salad and breadsticks 🤌

every Big Online Discourse™ reads like a transcript of people yelling at each other simultaneously catching every 3-4 words the other person is saying and assuming they understood it right

[taking down one of the 99 bottles of beer I keep on the wall to pass around] “just one tiny sip, everyone. it’s warm, but we have to share.”

well, if this site ends up like X, I’m going back to communicating with people via carrier pigeons

I may not be able to help you connect to the wifi but I can adjust the tracking on yer VCR

if you use a pig for misdirection it becomes sleight of ham

Friend: I found your doppelganger *shows you picture of the worst looking person you've ever seen in your life*

Way back in 2014 is something I just heard someone say. Please excuse me while I dig a hole out back and have a nice lie down..

“it’s a new day to hate,” I say to my cats as I fill their bowls with morning kibble.

It’s your moral duty to pour water on the robots

I spent the day with me. I kinda like her.

cheese is just milk that lost its whey

who up blocking follow/unfollow/follow/pleasefollowmeback accounts

I do my very best work under pressure, so whenever I'm behind on a quarterly sales report, I'll typically hold up a bank.

Who up abusin they follow counts

Who up whoopin they cough?

2025 remake of Castaway: Tom Hanks' character makes no attempt to get back to civilization

now they’re even trying to gerrymander roku city

BREAKING: Study reveals 90% of conversations between couples are “what?” followed by “never mind.”

ah another day at the piece of shit factory

makes a starter pack just to exclude ppl who didn't include me in theirs