Good morning, especially if you got chills, that are multiplying and you're losing control, 'cause the power, you're supplying, it's electrifying.

Me: im feeling a bit scatterbrained WebMD: you’re a silly goose

everyone SHUT UP for a second, im TRYING to THINK

i've never raised a hand in anger but if mosquitoes were people i would be forced to make some changes to my belief system

Normalise booing people who ask questions at the end of work Teams calls.

spiraling is too symmetrical for my tastes

Don’t forget to leave milk and cookies out on April fools

the british urge to apologise for not liking your really terrible post

I’ve had zombies in my head since ‘94

I’m in the adolescence of my middle age. I’m a fiftysixteenager

People who share their holiday details as part of their work email out of office can fuck off. I'm stuck in work and I don't need to know that you're "Sunning myself in Spain", go fuck yourself "Vikki".

i bet it feels so good to be a grocery store veggie when the little showers turn on

Assert dominance by liking your own texts during an argument.

Imagine naming a library after someone illiterate.

Draft folder as empty as me

But your honour, what am I like??

is there some reason they dress him as Dracula now

Some call them freaks......I call them Bluesky mutuals.

These religious freaks will kill us all.

Tomorrow is a positivity day, you can only say nice things about yourself

Absolutely ridiculous that they won’t let me smoke marijuana at work. Down with capitalism.

You don't need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

I like this personality I might keep her

if you've ever run in flip-flops you should be disqualified from running for office

I'm painfully aware of how cringe I am

they should invent a vacation that doesn’t end

Is every one on bluesky depressed or something?

You can tell everything you need to know about someone by the speed at which they try to "rescue" an uncomfortable silence.

is eating pussy in britain called binge the minge?

Pigs in a blanket is my favorite sex position.

if someone stole my identity id be all like "haha, sucker"

it doesnt matter what i say some dipshit will repost it

Rock bottom isn’t all bad! I mean look at all these cool rocks I found.

reverse cowgirl, so we can solve this Scooby -Doo mystery together

I’m trying to re-home a poodle that barks A LOT. If anyone’s interested I’ll hop over my neighbor’s fence and get it for you.

Don't you "re: my previous email" me.

why’s it always “flex *on* me” and never “flex *with* me”?

Ah, fucked up your sleep schedule again have you

ah yes 12:43am on monday the perfect time to shitpost

My understanding is that she’ll be coming around the mountain when she comes

If you think about it, Buffy just needed to eat more garlic bread.

I know why birds suddenly appear every time you’re near… it’s all that birdseed in your pockets

Not to brag, but I’m like really good at laying down.

Been really into butter lately. This feels like character development

I slid into your DMs and gave you unsolicited medical advice. Please respond.

It doesn't matter. Stop thinking about it.

Am I weird? Yes. But is it in the "quirky and fun" way or the "deeply unsettling" way? Also yes.

*me, reading your posts.

911: what is your emergency ME: i found a lost puppy 911: please hold ME: oh hell yeah