ever hang out with someone you think is very complex and deep then realize that they’re just a depressed moron with tattoos

what's up with people sleeping instead of liking my skeets? unbelievable

couples who sit on the same side of the booth pls stop it's weirding the rest of us out

*gets confronted by adobe acrobat reader for not making it my default*

Trying to write a skeet about how nothing matters, but what’s the point?

omg stands for oh my, greg

You can't make me happy, you're not a Labrador Retriever.

too late rhythm already got me

Someone called me a "fckn scumbag" on reddit last night. So I'll be riding that high all week.

Who up having coffee in their favorite coffin

Rose letting go after she said she never would in Titanic, is why I have trust issues.

Finally bit the bullet, moving to the country to eat a shitload of peaches

Not accepting followers at this time, thank you for understanding.

Your nonsense inspires me.

Life is short. Block people who suck.

does anyone have an attention span I can borrow

We are underreacting about all of this.

Thin mints implies the existence of thick mints

little know fact, Mozart was short for Mozzarella Art

My exhaustion is exhausted.

Maybe a holiday in Scotland would fix you.

A coworker says “Great Morning” instead of “Good Morning” and I feel like that should be a fireable offense.

thanks for the drafts folder now can you rename the discover feed “for ewww”

Some women claim to be a hot mess, but are definitely more of a room temperature inconvenience.

I’m at my most offended when my cat cleans himself after I pet him

[breaking up with an english major] me: it's not you it's me him: it's not me it's I

Emo's like to communicate in short and long sighs, it's called morose code.

lying in bed clapping to make the lights turn off (i do not have a clapper)

Don't you just hate it when people.

“Allow me to demonstrate.” - demons, probably

I've changed my work email signoff from "best regards" to "for fuck sake".

When you’re an adult, you can eat chocolate chips straight from the bag and no one can stop you.

A reply guy to all, is a reply guy to none.

Taking my glasses off and putting my phone right up to my face is as close as I am willing to get to people.

technology has yet to catch up with my crippling fear of social situations

My favorite thing about protein bars is that they satisfy the innate human desire for sweet edible clay

The crushing weight of being asked to "jump on" a Teams call.

said no to a really cool free pen and my former stationery addicted self is absolutely appalled with me

I swear it's just my sinuses, I'll be fine 🎶

don’t open those, they’re my scream jars

Sometimes I need a beige meal to take the edge off

but those *were* my good posts

A stingray is just a regular ray that tells you not to put on the red light.

If you are on antidepressants you should be called a pillgrim. 🌞

It's cute how some people think a cup of coffee in the morning makes them less of a shitty person.

My extreme sport is typing without glasses

Oh, you brought a mute list to a block party eh?

you bring the parade. I’ll bring the rain

Call me Groundhog the way I open the door, look outside, say fuck that and head back to bed for another 6 weeks.

We need Robin Williams now more than ever.