Imagine hating me and I'm just over here, playing the bagpipes.

you: i’m in the best shape of my life me: i have to turn the music off when driving in the rain

love my repeating ‘don’t forget your meds’ alarm because god forbid a woman allow herself a few moments of insanity in the morning

them: but did you die me: well what if I did motherfucker

Wish I had some bacon and world peace.

When I can feel something in between my teeth with my tongue, why is it impossible to pick it out with my fingernail, God?

If you think Bluesky sucks, you are not using it correctly. I have curated my feed to be full of DeliciousWeirdos™️ and KingShitposters™️ which means endless nerdiness (complimentary), bangers, and really insightful threads. Sorry you aren't having fun you aren't playing right. Try harder!

Can someone please explain why I need to arrive 15 minutes early and the doctor is always over 30 minutes late?

A dog’s love is more unconditional than a man’s; lock them both in the trunk, open it later and see which one is happy to see you.

YouTubers love saying "and that's a topic for a whole different video".

I hate it when people talk to me, and I also hate it when people don’t talk to me, but here’s what I like: Complaining

I was raised to butter things.

making a new mistake that you intensely remember making before is called deja fool

imagine hating me and im just over here sipping on my sleepytime tea

Haha you’re a dork! *followed

[before pepper spray was invented] Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect's face* Say when.

I haven’t answered my phone in like 6 years and the fact people still try to call me says a lot about human resilience.

a bag of m&ms marked as "family size" is a social construct

Don’t worry, I see all your skeets. I don’t react because they’re bad.

All my bangers happen in the bedroom

heard my girlfriend is breaking up with me in a subskeet so i muted her

breaking up with my boyfriend in a subskeet i hope he sees it

Today, I will use my powers for meh.

The drama. *sigh* It's like Days of Our Lives around here for chrissake.

My signature sex move is paying with a cashier’s check.

*skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* -me, in the car, after starting my favorites playlist

tummy hort time for medicinal pizza

I'm like Shakespeare if he were a complete moron.

The Shining (1980): A failing writer's horrifying waste of paper is avenged by shrubbery.

Saw an annoying post but I’m being so brave about it.

me when I see a dog: 🫳

it’s never too early to disappoint your loved ones

creatively writing myself a beautiful ending while my world is burning don’t worry I am fine

got called into HR for how i ate a banana. AGAIN

I keep alexa because I think it's good for amazon's language model to be trained on someone who always tells it to shut the fuck up

Her: what are you thinking? Me: If they gave testosterone to ants would that make them uncles?

If I climb onto my high horse, don’t worry. I will surely fall off the other side.

them: wanna feel old? me: what do you mean “feel”?

Me: We are closer in time to the T-Rex than the T-Rex was to the Stegosaurus. Customs agent: *sighs*I just want to know if you have any purchases to declare.

Multiple focus groups, representing many divergent schools of thought, all came together in agreement that your posts suck big hairy donkey balls.

To be honest I think it was Shaggy the whole time

Everything is better stuffed with cheese. Crust, people, everything…

You're welcome.

The brain is where the stupid is stored.

They should make a coping technique that feels as good as binge eating

I was trying to sleep, but then I remembered something embarrassing from 2008

60% of your adult life is just groceries and laundry.

I'd love to walk here.

nudes? i wanna see your accidentally opened the front camera selfie