I'm putting together a compendium of my favourite Hobbits, it's a short list.

Gonna be throwing candy off my 3rd floor balcony like a benevolent emperor

"if you switch to iphone you'll have facetime" sounds like a threat to me

I am dressed as an anxious middle aged woman for Halloween because that is also what I dress like all year

"you're telling me this ween is hallow" and other high quality posts

Smashing Pumpkins? Sure, today is the perfect day for that.

life is a constant battle of trying to have a good time or being healthy

her: have you been moisturizing? me: oh no...that's just pizza grease.

This bottle of wine tastes like I’m going to spill my secrets on the internet

Always choose the treadmill closest to the defibrillator I know this now

the entire world is terrifying but its fall so the leaves are crunchy to walk on at least

I hope this email finds your sense of humour.

at this point growing back my tail and returning to the sea appears to be the only option

Some of the people on here shouldn't have access to WiFi from whatever padded cell they are looked up in.

Halloween costume? No, it's been a rough week. Fuck off.

ME: i would like to open a checking account BANKER: would you like a savings account too? ME: no BANKER: okay, just checking

am i having a nervous breakdown or do i just need a snack

News: bird flu virus found to survive in some cheeses, study warns Me: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck off

Bourbon in, shitposts out.

I need to find a semi-professional photo of myself for work and it's a challenge because my only photo modes are dork, slut, and dumpster goblin

Some of you don't know how to spot a catfish and it shows.

What happened to Omega 1,2,4,5,7,8 and 10?

Good morning, especially to the people who know that there's a right way (men) and wrong way (women) to load a dishwasher.

I heard, "if you want it sugar coated, go to a bakery" thanks, i'll take a dozen glazed and let's cleanse this world with fire

Fuck being the bigger person, be the bigger problem.

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

sorry I wouldn’t join your group chat, I am not that kind of girl (social)

If you think someone (me) is your favourite account you should tell them (also me).

being a grown up is stupid

You can't satisfy me in bed, you're not 7 pillows.

my attention span is like

Why be a cunt when you can be kind?

People say Bluesky is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

I wonder what people who aren't obsessed with my Bluesky posts do with their sad and empty little lives.

calm down, dishwasher

Saw you on the Discover feed. I kept scrolling.

I wonder what Americans do with all the time they save by missing out the "ou" when they say "y'all".

continuously playing monster mash on a loop this week until someone puts me down

I trust pigeons more than people. When they crap on you, they don’t pretend it’s love.

Autumn in Edinburgh.

You need to check yourself you fucking donkey. Oops wrong app.

if you’re in line to be murdered in a corn maze stay in line

If you really loved me, you’d tolerate a little light stabbing to keep the romance alive.

Dark mode, but for outside

going to start saying ‘are you kitten me’

You be doom and I'll be gloom..happily ever after.

I was going to go to bed but it turns out that I wasn’t done scrolling through assorted apps yet

I'm Scottish and I don’t take myself too seriously. You should try it.

My people skills are improving. *made it to Friday without calling anyone at work a cunt.