Don’t is short for donut

I am proof that not having any screen time as a child does not help anything

Former gifted child. Current disappointing adult.

since he has a wife santa claus is merried

I already forgot about this post

Me when you're fighting with allies over meaningless bullshit on the 16thish largest social media website. 🦑

Kind of dystopian that we kidnapped a world leader but roll out that flag and sing for football

The tech CEOs are all on TV today so that must mean it’s Dancing Robot Season

Good flannels never get washed, a good axe washes them anyway. Inspojack and I'm logging on

Everyone should play in a punk or ska band at some stage in their life.

Pushing positivity like its a drug.

A very inconvenient time to find out my heart, is indeed, faint.

I bet polishing the brass on the Titanic was soothing

I am a simple gal, I want a 5 lb bucket of Swedish candy, 17 days off work, perfect credit, a fully restored vintage Bronco from Vintage Modern in Buford, Georgia, four million free airline miles, curly hair, and my own stocked pond. So simple. Easy breezy. Beautiful.

Just fyi: if you’re a Canadian woman between the ages of 35 and 50 and have a fetish for short, bald, chubby guys with no marketable skills — I am taking applications

Remember how good we had it when things were bad?

Smoking is bad for you, but when I imagine what it must be like to be on the wrong side of a firing squad I don’t hope for one last kale smoothie

Music sounds better when it hurts

I don’t need good earphones. The bands I listen to have out of tune guitars and people playing at least one washboard.

🖋️: me

Frankenstein: Sometimes I struggle to make friends Jim Henson: Sew felt

Imagine hating me and I’m just an illusion that you’re hallucinating because you’re crazy but boring

If Frankenstein’s Monster was a muppet, then the person who controlled it would be Frankenstein’s Monster’s Muppeteer.

Focaccia is my favorite bread that sounds like a slutty flower

this is not the america i know. we used to bomb places further from my vacation spots. we used to let foreign leaders chill in a hidey hole for a while before capture. we used to be good.

I made a cozy nook inside my head for you

(slapping a hundred dollar bill on the bar) bring me your finest shitpost

under socialism new yorkers will be forced to wear those busted-ass pointy peasant shoes they’re always pulling out of peat bogs

Setting up the coffee for tomorrow. Added two teaspoons of cinnamon. I'll find out how it works out in the morning.

atom: god I love radiohead atom: oh man, so do I (atoms bonding)

Please excuse the typos I am distracted by life

if you don’t mess up is it still an errand

Things could be worse [threatening]

There should be a zoo experience where you try to outdrink a panda

Pretending to be a witch because the ducking stool looks such fun.

it's the year of the honse

winning* hearts and minds *breaking

Woke up hilarious again today. The crumbling of society really accentuates my dark humor

I can't be held responsible for what I do when I'm sober.

The little Baby New Year has just finishing consuming the corpse of Father Time in seventeen hours and fifty-three minutes. A new record!

i feel bad for my sweet friend, sean, who texted, “how’s it going?” and i told him

In this house we ride for weird art girls. Keep amy march's name out of your fucking mouth while you still have all your teeth, pal

new year, same nightmare

I used to keep my friend groups separate so I’d have multiple places to land. Now I keep them separate because most of my friends are basically cats in human form and I do not have the capability to keep one locked in the bathroom while the others acclimate to their scent.

A kick starter to extract the pep from morning people and give it to the deserving

A kickstarter to blow up Mercury so it can never again be in retrograde

A kickstarter to produce a post dated Mayan Calendar and kick this can of bullshit down the road

wdym a magazine that calls itself unherd is not a serious outlet

You misunderstood. When I said “Let’s circle back to that in the new year” I meant never contact me again.