I’m here to wax your Bermuda triangle.

If you’re looking for a girl who loves animals and nature and will belittle you until your spirit is broken, look no further

This newer guy at work is a talker, and from now on I'm avoiding him at all costs. He just talked to me for a fucking hour. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. And he talks 100mph. My ears almost killed themselves. I've never wanted to dive head first into a wood chipper so bad in my life.

Taught my dog to shake and now he makes a killer martini

Trimmed my ear hairs so hopefully my pillowcase won’t pill anymore

Me: I think of acne like they’re face dandelions poking through the skin Her: … [Hours later] Crime Scene Tech: This dude has more holes in him than a colander. It’s easier to measure what hasn’t been stabbed. Lead Investigator: It was a mercy. Did you hear what he said about pimples?

Trimmed my nose hairs and now I can smell sound

Stopping while you’re ahead creates traffic

Me: That hat looks nice on you Her: Are you saying you don’t like my hair? Me: I like your hair Her: So you don’t really like my hat! Me: Anywho, I chose to be in this situation so I guess it’s my fault

Let he who is without self awareness cast the first stone

Her: Imagine making fun of someone when you’ve never even tried. Me: OK. I’m imagining it. Her: I meant that rhetorically. Me: The smugness feels amazing. My ego is unfettered by the weight of evidence. Her: Stop. Me: The lack of empathy feels like having a soul made of teflon.

sisyphus but it’s just me opening and closing the door for my cat all day

I now eat oatmeal when i’m craving a snack after dinner thanks for your time

you intrude upon my royal presence? peasant

When I get old, I'm just going to sit on a park bench blabbering my shitposts to the pigeons.

RIP Chris Dreja of the Yardbirds pictured here on 12 string The hardest part about loving older music - watching all your favs slip away youtu.be/5kKJ2BRGA5s?...

Self loathing doesn’t accomplish much but it passes the time

at the end of the day, i order my tuna salad sandwich just like everyone else: with extra pulp

Now look here it’s not a tramp stamp it is a trollop dollop I beg your pardon

I was supposed to marry Liv Tyler but I walked the other way

Got tear away pants for this colonoscopy prep.

Me Talk Funny One Day

American wizard houses are all racist caricatures

American wizarding schools teach students divination in order to know what people would do for a Klondike Bar

The dark secret of American wizardry is how many German alchemists were allowed to emigrate after Wizard War 2

American wizard schools are not allowed to teach defense against the dark arts because it’s “woke”

Wizard incels hang out on the internet bulletin board 4chun

American wizard schools are required to “teach the controversy” about Voldemort

American wizard schools are behind the push for private school vouchers

In American Wizarding institutions they teach riflery and treat the wand as a side arm

In American Wizarding institutions the quidditch coaches all teach lore

In American Quidditch the golden snitch is a bullet

In America, Quidditch is some wizards’s only hope of going to University

American quidditch is played using swiffers

tinder date who shows you his favorite episode of how it’s made about lead acid batteries

Do whatever you want. Have you tried that yet? It's fucking amazing. 🩷

Birds swim through gravity because they treat it like water. So what do they drink then? Asshole of a word Schadenfreude says the satisfaction of seeing a human beverage left on the roof of a car

I've seen D&D campaigns that had better leadership.

wave your hand in front of the paper towel dispenser except it gives you pasta

Peaking on blue sky is like peaking in high school but without the risk of teenage pregnancy

My hand turkey was considered festive but ultimately unbecoming of a mortician

I can’t wait until Thanksgiving when we can give thanks that it is not yet as bad as it is going to get

Someone who'd get all the things done that I should might not be this good at interneting

Seeing One Battle After Another Thursday and the only non-spoiler feedback I've seen is "it's great" and "I'm never watching a movie by a white guy again"

Approximately how long do regular accounts wait before having sexy alts?

Who called it Evangelicalism and not Calvinismball?

CBT is the therapy modality that dares to ask “are you sure about that buddy?”

I wanted to learn the accordion but my mom wouldn’t let me because the groupies might turn me away from the Lord

I saved your red heart emoji reply. Please respond.

My nails are really long from not doing chores so imma reward myself with a mani