Names for the three-in-a-row game, around the world… *Tic-tac-toe (US) *Noughts and crosses (UK) *Crosses and buns (Denmark) *Butter, cheese and eggs (Netherlands) *Sausages (Latvia) *Cat (Mexico) *Game of the old lady (Brazil) *Tripp-trapp-tresko (Norway) *Pubic louse (France) *Hobo chess (Sweden)

[person does shitty things] SAID PERSON: why is everyone saying I do shitty things

Maybe one day we will actually get a *cute* foster dog.

I'm like if a really sleepy person were still sitting up fighting it

just in case i get raptured tomorrow, can someone who does not get raptured please take my garbage out on thursday?

My girlfriend kept on asking me to go spelunking with her so eventually I caved.

YOU FUCKING KNOW IT FUCK YEAH

everything sucks but my bebé did a lil sigh when i kissed their forehead 🥹

[end of date] DATE: so will you text me later ME: (assuming i will text the word “me” to someone at some point in the future) yeah sure

i watched an entire football game with some coworkers tonight and i can confidently report that the red team beat the black team. really happy for them.

that's exactly right 🎨

if a chicken has boneless wings, I will not be eating that chicken. it is clearly sick.

Me, sliding up next to you in the cantina on Tatooine: You know, technically it's not even a star. Really it should be called the Death Hypermatter Reactor.

remembering this untouchable pair of comments

Before Jesus shows up, do any Christians leaving tomorrow have a crush on me, y/n

third base is me sending u memes every hour

You can store so many repressed memories in this thing

son of a cuss i put diesel in the school bus and not magic

throw a stick at the wall and see if it spaghettis

sometimes i mix up know & now like im doing right know i now i now

You’re at work. I’m farting in bed with my newborn. We are not the same

pulling on the penis. popping it like a finger knuckle

OH NO WE BOUGHT A ZOO

Nice post you got there, it'd be a shame if I deliberately missed your point so I could be tedious about it

I’m at a loud sports bar in San Francisco, don’t come join me there’s already too many people here

“the perfect mutual doesn’t exis—“

at my funeral there will be hot dogs

on sunday night they should just kick the plug out of the wall for the internet and we should have to reckon with our own truths

How long can you kiss a puppet before it gets weird

Feels like I have the flu but like emotionally

I can’t wait to have granny energy.

that's right keep saving my posts i'm almost there

just saw a man on a bicycle at the drive thru and UM???? NO ONE TOLD ME WE COULD JUST D O THAT????

at my funeral there will be three caskets. yep we’re doing the shell game

oh good, here’s fuckin creampie jessica again 🙄

some bitch showed up to my friend’s baby shower pregnant, like does it always have to be about you Jessica???

eating pussy with my eyes open to maintain tactical awareness

the timeline is so much better when you mute the shit out of words you don’t want to see

look at this sweet photo of baby Holtzmann on the way to the park to walk for the first time

guava berry waterloo truly is That Bitch

throw a stick at the wall and see if it spaghettis

Thanks for having me over, great time, hey can I bum a couple AA batteries?

Some people delete their posts every 30 days. I go back and like mine secretly.

let’s start calling sweatpants, pajama pants, and any other non-constricting soft pants “boneless pants”

whenever I sleep over at my best friend’s house, her 4yo son always comes to my room (sometimes in the middle of the night) to lend me one of his stuffies 🥹 he is the only person in this world who truly loves me

Folks, it looks like we have ourselves a Corgi mix.

Anyone know where I can watch the knights/sharks preseason game today?

Succubus is short for Suck Ur Bussy