I think that’s called Brazilian jiu jitsu.

at my divorce hearing they said we could change our names to whatever we wanted but it had to be decided before we adjourned your honor, you gotta give me a friggen heads up

i was a regifted child

NOPE (2022) on one hand a Speilbergesque thriller-metaphor about how Hollywood literally chews peple up and spits them out and they only way to survive is to be literally indigestible and also the best thing inspired by a treehouse of horror episode

so what if I want to become so successful I haunt everyone who has ever wronged me after they make it their life's goal to escape me? it's called ambition

Bonsai (prison rules)

exactly- if you restrain your algorithm to disappearing actually dangerous/bad/etc posts then great, everyone will use it when you expand it to police abstract concepts like "rude" or "suggestive", especially when your judgment is prudish & questionable, you seriously weaken the system

Bluesky should have a reply guy feature where it just automatically hide replies from everyone from certain accounts And ban jesse singal

MY SISTER (looking at the full moon): wowww it’s so big! it’s like pulsating, do you see that? ME: I think that’s your astigmatism

do you wanna come over so our reply guys can have a playdate?

the dog (innocent, I know) stole my donuts off the dead center of my counter-height kitchen table

now on paper-view

black forest ham, dark fortress chicken, cursed talisman turkey

Chaos is my favourite word that's spelled like it means it.

i love being in my 30s, i wouldn’t replace this neck pain from sleeping a cm off center of my pillow at night for anything 🤡🤡🤡

Every time you generate AI art, you use as much water as flushing a toilet, with the similar result of moving turds around

bluesky should have a labeler for posts that are jokes

Took the cats out for a walk with my brother and accidentally created a 90s Britpop album cover

Making baby formula in the meth lab

the fifa peace prize. the shein sustainability prize. the uhhh third thing im out of ideas

This app should automatically detect when you’re trying to do an artistocrats joke and give you 200 extra characters

the lunar beave looks so plump tn

Stop unfollowing me im hilarious

Took this pic last week and it seems perfect for today. The states turned a new leaf y'all.

whomst amongst us hasn't done butt stuff when we get mad at each other? hmmmm?

struggling to pronounce the name of the new mayor of New York? please enjoy this helpful guide

This labeller never misses

the Statue of Liberty now has big naturals

BLUESKY ELDER ELECTED NYC MAYOR

Love is in the air

full contact origami

THEM: awww you have a cute red head baby ME: oh no that’s cheeto dust

THEM: awww you have a cute red head baby ME: oh no that’s cheeto dust

hey jeff do you think dick cheney waited an extra day or two before murdering his victims or does your empathy only extend to white war criminals

lotta people who have never danced with NYC rats on the sidewalk sure have a lot of opinions on who should be mayor

quitting my day job to become a full time shitposter with a great sponsorship deal *tips my head back and pours Doritos crumbs directly into my mouth; turns to camera and smiles*

i'm just a kentucky resident, standing in front of my local polling station, asking them to let me vote against zohran mamdani

things i cannot eat: food other food ! ice cream !

imagine if this happened during the filing of Vice (2018) and christian bale had to decide how much of a method actor he really was

this dude is so chill, he falls asleep during nebulizer treatments and even cutting the hair on the bottom of his paws with the clippers. loves that hum I guess.

Oh, Dick Cheney died? Well-- *sees Bluesky mod around corner* What's really important is championing the open protocol.

sandpaper is so relaxing it really helps me take the edge off

i had two tacos but i wish i had 3

hey, i have good posts but you don’t know them they live in canada

I met her once, she was kind and funny and wonderfully eccentric. We ended up taking a yoga class together. She fell asleep during corpse pose and after she woke up, announced “I went to dreamland!”

STOP IT STOP MAKING US LIKE YOU

live. laugh mercilessly at the death of a war criminal and general piece of shit racist fuck dick cheney. love.

someone in this subway car is whistling and i want to MURDER THEM

“I have 2 kids” we geeeetttt it, you fuck 🙄

sandpaper is so relaxing it really helps me take the edge off