she brings this home wyd?

Testing a new mirror trick

put me in sleep coach, im ready to nap

I HAVE NEVER USED A CROSSWALK. THE LINES ARE A SUGGESTION FROM A COMMITTEE. I CROSS WHERE THE ANCESTORS CROSSED. A WOMAN ONCE SHOUTED 'WATCH OUT' AND I SAID 'FOR WHAT'. SHE COULD NOT ANSWER. SHE KNEW

when you masturbate you’re participating in an unbroken chain stretching back hundreds of thousands of years to the very first humans who stood in awe under the vast mystery of an unpolluted sky and retreated to their caves and hollows to yank pud to horny cave paintings. every stroke a holy mystery

mr. lightcatcher

peter lorre was the original weird little guy™️

Her: I found that scene very poignant. Me: I have a keen sense of sadness and sharp regret that I don’t know what that word means.

Childhood is when you dream of being an astronaut. Adulthood is when you dream of being asleep.

apparently drake told reporters he was only going to drop the one album, but the other two albums were right in his Q zone so he had to do it

I am 100% not done procrastinating.

happy simon

this is the last photo on my parents' video birdfeeder before it was mysteriously destroyed we may never know what happened

when I show up in your mentions

yeah go ahead and throw knives at me while i am strapped to a spinning wheel i don't care

surely only me and a few of my homies have full interior lives

Sick of people calling me "bird-like" just because i can leap from the window sill to the bird bath

the fact that none of these autonomous car companies have embraced the concept of “ghost riding the whip” as a marketing slogan feels like a missed opportunity. but that’s what you get when uncool people make things.

Here is a nice mushroom

Fitness coach: HIGH KNEES! HIGH KNEES! Sleep coach: BIG ZZZS! BIG ZZZS!

ah to be back in what is widely recognized as the Paris of the midwest: Cleveland, Ohio

hedgehogs and groundhogs do not look like hogs this is hogwash

drake makes music for people who need their mom to pick them up from soccer practice at 6

the revolution will not be algorithmed

brands think that people will get over the AI slop hate one day and give in. they don't understand that i was born to be a hater. i will leave hate comments under AI posts until i die. i will never stop hating.

I ORDER MY COFFEE BLACK. NO SUGAR. NO MILK. NO WATER. NO CUP. THEY HAND ME THE BEANS. I EAT THEM IN THE PARKING LOT LIKE A HORSE. THE BARISTAS HAVE STOPPED CHARGING ME. I HAVE NOT SLEPT SINCE TUESDAY. I CAN HEAR THE WIFI

go ahead, keep adding tasks to my to do list. i will only get sleepier

The moon doesn't do its own posts, it just shares whatever the sun posts

Thank you for your very serious reply to my idiotic shitpost.

the login screen for bluesky with post editing has leaked

Quoth the raven, “Check it out I can talk.”

Please excuse any typos as I am encountering turbulence in my hot air balloon

Got sent home early for getting the zoomies at work again

Rapidly vacillating between thinking this is the worst image of all time and the greatest image of all time

making my ringtone sexual healing by marvin gaye and insisting it’s the phones factory default setting

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, wow you’re really good at this

my cousin is very excited to watch hockey with me

as we pulled up in front of daycare this morning a dump truck attached to a flatbed carrying an excavator turned down the street, leading to a devastating toddler stampede

Good Cop: the neighborhood is safer than ever Math Cop: we're making a difference

donut stands for today i will do nuthing

acab (anyone can appreciate booty)

Don't you hate it when you're showing your crush your new nunchuck routine and then a sinkhole opens up right under you?

In much the same way as the mom in the sixth sense was slowly poisoning her daughter, I suspect my wife is secretly eliminating my jogging pants.

One of my favourite parts of spring is getting pulled back into the gardening algorithm.

Quoth the raven, “ECHOOO” *echo-echo-echo*

dad moths should be called faths

wife: there’s this one guy at work who one ups everything i say me: ah man i hate that i work with a couple guy like that myself

Babies should have smaller heads