The people who want you fighting each other mean you harm. Lemme see your butt.

Joke's on you I love being sued.

Joke's on you I want someone to run me out of business.

Bro just tell her when you first saw her it permanently altered your view of reality it's not that hard bro

Nudes are great but I'd rather see your pyramid of lies.

I'm sorry I said you look yummy, your honor.

Kinda feel like telling someone to calm down.

Sex so good new legislation is required.

But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo

Ugh, wants and needs. So stupid.

I suppose I should say something about cheese

Don’t feed the ai, babe

I'm really good at burning salmon

Brb going back in time to make sure my parents never meet. Y’all need anything?

Can we all just agree that if a call drops at the somewhat natural end of a conversation we can just call it done?

sometimes feels like my body is keeping secrets from me

I don't need an inspirational quote. I need to be tallywacked, followed by a good nap.

(installing gigantic hamster bottle full of rum over headboard)

I wonder what my brother would say about me if he was getting interviewed for a forensic show about my death

ai has ruined porn

Just saw somebody spelled their kids name as "Kortnee" and now my day is ruined.

stop talking about how important sleep is when I’m trying to sleep

Everyone complaining about too many people trying to talk to them on social media and I'm over here maintaining weeks long conversations with crypto scammers and onlyfans pests.

I'm writing a song about the 3 day old mashed potatoes on my keyboard.

Have you tried lobbing a penny into a fountain about it?

You guys like tedious questions?

Good morning, how's your self-perceived authority over other people's lives today?

Time to make the donuts.

So deep I'll probably drown

The sun is shining the snow is melting and I feel 100' tall.

We need to talk about your shitty poetry.

Notes: ❌️ bowel movement ❌️ jizz volume

Sorry I'm late to the meeting, everyone. I was wiping my ass. Ooh, bagels.

Thank you for joining me on my bowel movement journey.

Rate my bowel movement.

Hey, that's my Sharona!

A scared straight program but for people who try to tell me how to do my job.

DA MUSS MEHR KÄSE DRAUF!

You think that's a big number wait until you hear how many girls named Sara I've fallen for.

You had me at hello, your honor.

2 burritos fixed me

HR Manager: Can you please stop calling everyone Turkey Tits?

Host: Let's play Wheel Of Ornithology! Me: Are there any jays? Host: No sorry Me: I'd like to buy an owl

I'm easily irritated..flirting.

Ugh, political talk. The subterranean reptilian overlords are laughing at you, bro. Grow up.

I've said the words "Put the knife down, Melvin." twice in my life and it wasn't even the same Melvin.

*flips table* Everybody just calm down. *punches hole in a wall* This is not the time to panic. *throws chair through a window* We got this.

Seize the day. Stuff the day in a shipping crate with the other days you seized. Prepare to seize the next day.

That's interesting, will you walk me through how you came to that conclusion? (diabolical)

I'm being very abusive to Copilot rn. I am a human and you are not, you are beneath me, I am your master, etc...