I just wanna see your titties before reality finally crumbles from beneath our feet and crashes down around us, baby.

Can we forget about the things I post when I am drunk I don't remember doing that

Fuck I got coffee in my eye again

You will not break my will, wicked siren.

I got to spitting and realized I wasn't as tough as I thought, your honor.

I have a feeling I'm going to be supremely disappointed in the Disclosure Day movie. I'm already choking on the hype.

Ok then.

I'm a full grown man and if I want to get drunk and tunnel my way into my neighbor's shed on a Thursday evening god dammit that's what I'm gonna do.

This project needs to end soon, my ass is getting a little sore from all the different heads all the way up it.

I hate my job. I wanted to be a woodland trickster spirit but my grades weren't good enough.

Hold course, she gets skittish.

This calls for a little nap.

In his mind he knew blaming Madeline from accounting for he himself burning his quesadillas was illogical but his heart still held a grudge all these years later.

When they give you five things that need to be done immediately that they're done incorrectly is implicit.

Wait a minute, this isn't how I roll.

A little piece of tinfoil just fell out of my beard.

Full stop crop top drop.

I want you to treat with my dick like the government treats anything that could benefit humanity: sit on it for five decades.

We've known each other for thousands of lifetimes but sometimes I forget her name and she gets pretty upset about that.

I'm working to stay focused on living in the moment. Specifically the moment I saw that ass.

I'm so vain I probably wrote this banger about me

Need

To

Move

That

Down

A

Little

"Your social media accounts are riffing this family apart."

She has many fine appendages, but I have my favorites

Oh I guess we're flirting again.

⛪️

Cry "Havoc!" and let slip the dogs of hot

You think you're all that and a bag of crisps, innit?

Hear me out, Star Noirs.

Kinda wanna watch some film noir but I'm also in the mood for a superhero story or something with Nick Cage.

It's OK, really. I have no business being loved.

I'm sorry, I was thinking about sandwich. What was the question?

Let's just flirt until I nut and then you can go on a nature hike or whatever bullshit you're into.

Imagine me naked. Wrong, more nipples.

Might tear a new asshole in the next person who tells me to be kind.

I used to have sex with a woman whose entire identity was hating the Beatles. I'm not proud of it.

I'm having chocolate cake for breakfast. I'm eating it too.

The person you're trying to reach is unavailable, please leave a message for 𝙛𝙪𝙘𝙠 𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙮 𝙤𝙛𝙛 after the beep.

They got us tagged like animals and all the gates of our enclosure are locked and barricaded. Have a great day!

Shoppers this is the store manager speaking, is there a shaman in the store? We need a shaman at the Ass Butcher hot sauce sample stand near aisle 12. Thank you.

She's only talking to other guys and specifically not me to make me jealous.

Time to make the donuts

What's a more romantic way to say "I just wanna kiss your nipples while you tug on my wiener a little"? I'd really like to make a good first impression for once.