My body and I are playing this fun game where I still really need sleep but my body were prefer to act like that doll guy from the Saw franchise

If Jesus were alive today, he'd have a podcast called WWID (What Would I Do)

All I'm saying is whenever you force your brain and body to perform the tricks that you've assigned value, they meet up in secret while you sleep and plan their revenge.

[me explaining what it's like as a detective on the octopus crimes unit] Honestly, it's mostly legwork

Whenever I start to feel lonely, I just remind myself that my skeleton is in there like a forever friend, going where I go, doing what I do, loving who I love.

Mom, come pick me up, the best lack all conviction and the worst are full of passionate intensity.

the weirdest part of driving one of those dune sandworms around would be where do you park it

LESBIAN BESTIE: I want to go for a hike & my dog died so you can’t say no. MJM: Ugh but it’s dead season. All dusty & brambly & dry. It’s sounds so laaaaaaaaaaame. LESBIAN BESTIE: You’re telling me you can’t work a Goth landscape? Giant black coat, blue eyes? MJM (pause): I’ll see you at 1:30.

Me and the boys heading to all-you-can-eat buffet

BEAVER MAGICIAN: Well what do we have here little fella *pulls a branch from behind a kid’s ear*

[at a spider wedding] congratulations to the newlywebs

Kids these days have it easy. Back when we were young, our parents loved to call us "big boned." Now kids probably don't think at all about the size of their bones.

MY SCREEN BUTLER: What will it be tonight, sir? ME: I think I’d like my evening phone, please. MY SCREEN BUTLER: Excellent choice, sir [takes my current phone out of my hand, wipes it lightly, and places it back into my hand]

Blowing things up, kidnapping and killing foreign leaders, is good because it's Doing. Considering the consequences of Doing would be Thinking, which is weak and woke

Dad: Where do you think you’re going? Me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uhhh nowhere?

Occupant was my father's name. Call me Current Resident.

Poetry is in the business of neatening the world’s desk.

Good morning from my kiddo's kindergarten worksheet.

I saw a comment the said we aren’t “angry enough.” But all we are is angry. Our veins circulate it like acid. It cracks our sternums. It poisons and paralyzes us. We hiss and spit at each other, all impotent, helpless rage. We don’t need more anger. We need more direction.

FUN FACT: They're all sitting on boxes of classified documents

There should be an Earth for people who don't hate all living things

I’d like to get off now

I highly recommend Max Gladstone’s newsletter The Third Place. Such beautiful writing and thinking. The latest newsletter, “What Is Not Inferno,” is emblematic. buttondown.com/MaxGladstone...

Inhumanity and insanity. The sort of thing a dying empire does.

I don’t know, guys

Be it thy course to busy giddy minds With foreign quarrels, that action, hence borne out, May waste the memory of the former days.

*learns about the trolley problem* I’m gonna sketch this up real quick. Surely it won’t become the canonical representation

*batman voice* do you have any cough drops

MY SCREEN BUTLER: What will it be tonight, sir? ME: I think I’d like my evening phone, please. MY SCREEN BUTLER: Excellent choice, sir [takes my current phone out of my hand, wipes it lightly, and places it back into my hand]

(1) This is the most useful clothing review I've ever read. (2) Why has no one marked this review as useful. (3) Why did this reviewer only give it 4 out of 5 stars.

mike tyson's full name is mike thank you son

Every anti-vaxxer I encounter seems to love weird unregulated supplements. They hate Big Pharma but they love Little Pharma, Big Pharma’s younger sibling who grew up without any adult supervision.

Some days I wish I were like a bird—free, soaring, and so very dumb.

just spitballing here guys but what if we all decided that we wouldn't agree to any more Mondays

Really any day now would be nice

Just said out loud, Oooh, I can have the rest of that banana on my granola tomorrow as a treat! What happened to us, old man? Who are you trying to be? You can't lie to me, I watched us make a cocktail out of bourbon and cough syrup.

Your outdated pop music references are killing me softly

they should just resign now, I have destroyed them

Ugh, it's happening again

mom come get me the world is being callous toward my tender heart

QUICK QUIZ: Would you select the image in the lower-right corner?

A friend just told me that she broke a tooth on a bagel. Unacceptable. Bagels are supposed to be our friends.

Where my good boys at out there virtuemaxxing today

"babe what are you thinking about?"

WHAT: Jil Sander (fall 2026) OCCASIONS: punishing silence or a existential crisis on a Copenhagen street corner when you see your ex holding hands with someone who looks like you but smiles more IF IT WERE A SCENT: airport body scanner EMOTIONAL RANGE: watchful/devoted #MJMfashionGuide

Sometimes I wish I could take my brain out of my head now and then and give it a little cuddle.

Lerry Ellison and his weird son Blunther (??) Ellison look like they go on weekend trips to kill horses and steal their teeth

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed. Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

I cannot tell you how much I needed "Jason Statham Asks Nothing of Me" by Chloe Wilson. www.nybooks.com/articles/202...