i love pto “here’s some money go away” is my favorite pastime

cop passing out after touching a lettuce leaf

downloaded a new game to my phone but it didn’t fix me must need something else…

my job’s ok i work inside the atm machine outside an old west bank reckon it gets a little hot some time and it’s hard as hell to remember everyone’s pin numbers but i manage

unsure why this idiot weatherman never brings up this year’s record profits

don’t wanna be anything where i don’t know when to stop

when my 4th grade gym teacher cameos in my dream

saw a bumper sticker that said “celebrate america 1776-2026” and it’s like oh shit u think it’s winding down too, huh

and voting by proxy mitch mcconnell’s ouija board says “aye” to prop 47 fully funding the orphan crushing machine

wife: how’s the diet going me: [entering a lunch consisting solely of jalapeño cheetos into my fitness tracker while mcdonald’s names a sandwich after me] it’s been worse

imagine being known at school for always shitting ur pants but then u graduate leave that behind and become a marvelous opera singer and ur audiences grow and grow until u sell out the metropolitan opera house and the moment u step out on stage u shit ur pants this is a post about the usmnt btw

erotic thriller is such a great genre concept. like youre naked but you have to save the president

er waiting rooms should give you those little buzzers like u get at applebees

You know what never got a red card? Love.

way too curious about the playlist these hot dog eating contestants are listening to

the kelce bros tearfully disassembling their bunk bed

calling my optometrist to let them know my dentist sent me a happy 4th of july email and they need to up their game

i text’d my wife that i was having a bad day and to cheer me up she sent me a picture of our cheese drawer in the fridge

bought my sim a computer and they started sending me emails i can not understand

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

the best things in life really are free i just paid a guy $5 to punch me in the face and it suuucked

love playing barbies with my six year old where else can i hear “i don’t want a horse because one time a tree fell on my house and i had to buy a new house and the horse that i had didn’t give me any of his money so I fired him”

well the test results were awful but at least the reaction vid my dr did to them got a lot of likes

do not understand why you’d hire a lawyer to personally injure you

went from instant oatmeal to overnight oats feels like we’re going backwards oatwise

neil degrasse tyson tried to explain to me why the abbreviation of pound is lb so i strung him up on the back of a door by his underwear

don’t want to get spit roasted at the orgy so they’re all calling me the rotisserie chicken

there are two wolves inside of me one is a silly goose and one is a business goose the business goose thinks i should just not call them wolves while the silly goose wrote this

asking for coal for christmas then being a dick all year checkmate ya old rosy bitch

glad i got to toss this one

it’s not just his head it’s his whole body his name should just be mr potato

the second dog i ever had reminded me so much of my first one i named her echo which felt like a perfect name until the day she got out and my dad and i had to go up and down the street yelling it

this is a good day

The story of Icarus provides us with a valuable lesson: never fuck up real bad

work is promoting an extravaganza they’re having this summer but i don’t even like going to vaganzas tbh

see, very simple

if i was doing the intros for the opposing team id just be like they got some fucking guy and some other fucking guy it’s…it’s just a bunch of fucking guys over here

game 4 analysis the knicks scoring more points than the spurs will go a long way towards winning the game

That slenderman ass nigga Wemby cannot be out here fouling like this, just wielding his long ass arms like wet mops, he’s gonna concuss the whole bench in a minute

man i love KAT’s fire

“what d’ya think your rib cage is a jail cell, mama?” get’s me everytime

tbt the saddest picture i ever took

applying for the job i quit yesterday cause i forgot 1/2 a burrito in their fridge

as per my last message in a bottle i am shipwrecked

fool me once, fuck everything, i give up

I'm writing my own eulogy because I don't want my family to say I was a control freak.

ik he left a lot of money on the table but brunson is 3 games away from never needing a wallet again anyway

Bought an ace pride flag and they tossed in a pile of stickers including this surprising banger???