those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i am going to steer this ship into the rocks

the very idea of gavin newsom in 2028 is preposterous. he's a throwback to the time where you could put a haircut in a suit and have him mouth platitudes while the status quo grinds on. we're so far past that. we got pedophile nazis now. lol that you want to reanimate dan quayle

𝐓𝐨𝐝𝐝’𝐬 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐭𝐡 𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐮𝐦 ★☆☆☆☆ tastes like a dog’s butthole - 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘧𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘱𝘶𝘳𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘴𝘦𝘳

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!? st. peter: that’s right me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

"I think camp counselors should save drowning children instead of having sex"

when i was a child i used to wonder how people with vaginas went into the pool and didn’t fill up with water never stopping to think about how i had an asshole

i am going to eat the mona lisa

You are speaking to me as if I am a horse you own instead of a horse you are lucky to have stumbled across in a meadow.

tired of being asked to refer a friend for products or services i love i need an option to refer an enemy for shit i hate

No son, they are not "magically delicious." The workers made them delicious. This is a slogan meant to mystify the social conditions of labor

happy to have drafts up til now I’ve been writing ideas on my forearm was getting tired or explaining things like “sex vampire” to Betty in accounting

irreverent internet comedians rise up

It's not even midnight and we're already at "Deport Elmo."

Every Super Bowl ad is for the door in the forest. It’s annoying. “You must walk through the door.” Yeah thanks, I know that already. I dream of the door every night

lord pleaze i simply do not have another patriots comeback in me

bad bunny already has more yards than the patriots

spend about a 30 seconds a day staring into a lamp hoping to work my way up to the sun by summer

help me settle a debate i think if u drive ur car backwards thru the car wash it’ll come out dirty and my wife thinks we should explore opening our relationship up

local who can tell im a tourist: enjoy the city just don’t go to uptown after dark there’s a very specific gang up there me: I’ll be fine [10pm and the salsa boys have me cornered]

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird [me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

can i borrow like $12 real quick

ok….i’m the guy who bought the ticket. but i swear to god i thought it said wrestmelania

The fuck did you just say to us

unfair that i’m not allowed to ask candidates for this job how fast they can run some things are more important to me than excel knowledge

imagine being a roll of toilet paper u start ur life eating sunshine and end it on the business end of an asshole what a fall from grace

let’s just turn the internet off for a bit and see where it takes us

better get to sleep so I can wake up and increase shareholder value while my country actively burns down

i’m laughing imagining one of those car carrier trucks going all the way across the country and then when they pull the cars off it, the truck is mad like “they could drive this whole time!?”

I’m conducting a 30 year experiment to see what happens if you never get a good night’s sleep

this is still the funniest thumbnail on youtube

they rug pulled fartcoin and left my 401k in shambles

[after getting 8 likes on a post about Dracula having sex with Bigfoot] I love Bluesky, but this isn't sustainable

the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters

imagine being a police sketch artist in like 1950 and ur hand starts cramping up cause the asshole detective just keeps shouting “enhance” at u

i gave a mouse a cookie once and it was fine idk what everyone’s problem is

i appreciate this guy so much

u should be able to plug ur phone into one of those ev stations and charge it fully in like 12 seconds

"bluesky is boring" then youre a fake ass poster. youre not supposed to mindlessly scroll youre supposed to post your every thought for the five people who care about u

unfortunately we discontinued pennies which i believe he was eating to keep himself alive

sure i’ve done things for a dopamine spike in music festival porta potties but even i am not interested in a used copy of uncle john’s bathroom reader

TP314 Sotd

thank you for walking into that palo alto music store on new year’s eve in 64 💔

this guy always looked like a batman villain to me

i’m sober now so this no longer applies to me but i’ve always thought they should put breathalyzers in phones with an app where u can put the numbers you don’t wanna call above certain b.a.c.s

every seat in a movie theater should have an "I have to pee" button and if enough people press it they should be able to pause the movie

i bet the first surgeon was probably like “eww”

if a lizard saw my wallet open and moths fly out he’d think i’m rich as hell

(living an unexamined life) yaaaaaay haha yay wheeeeee

ok i’m putting my phone down everyone be cool til i get back