boss: i thought you quit yesterday me: [thought i was getting raptured] lol what have you that idea boss: you said “i quit y’all can suck my sparkly dangler* me: hmm *vacuuming glitter off my desk* sounds like the mandela effect to me, chief

didn’t get raptured just another thing everyone else is doing without me

Does Tylenol cause childhood autism? We asked an elderly man dressed as Uncle Sam who drove 2100 miles to attend the Charlie Kirk memorial stadium event.

for something that’s never happened to me i sure do worry about dropping my keys down a sewer grate a lot

[waiting for my work emails to load] i’m kinda like ben aflec in good will hunting rn “maybe they won’t be there today” “maybe they went to see about a girl” ”i’m from boston lol”

If you had told 24-year-old me that I would someday go to the mat to defend one-half of The Man Show, a TV show that literally had girls called “juggies” who did nothing but jump on trampolines, I would have been like “huh okay maybe it’s not the best time to go into the feminism business”

sorry i’m late i was googling about space and lost the will to do anything at all

they don't have the capacity to compel obedience by the process of law. they don't have the capacity to compel obedience by violence. the only lever by which they can obtain obedience is fear. do not offer it to them.

My gym nemesis is here again. Behold as he fails the many tests he has no idea he is taking part in.

ice cream trucks should link up with door dash youre already riding around with an ice cream sandwich just bring it to me please

bought a night stand and the instruction manual helpfully shows me what it will look like if “exploded”

can’t fall asleep cause my race car bed ran out of gas

trying to show the health inspector the inside of my mouth

gonna start using social media less and use the time saved to hit myself in the head with a shovel

This kills the app

today i hit a fly on the wall with a rubber band and it flew about feet and fell directly in the trash so lord i’m ready anytime

BOSS: Your feminist agenda is starting to disrupt meetings ME: *tucks tampon behind ear like a pen* How

the should show reruns of the news and call it “the olds”

did you know gaslighting isn’t actually a word

i don’t believe in time travel but when i got in my car to go to work this morning it was 6:15 and when i got there it was 15 minutes later so idk u guys

for when you are in a sterile environment and see god

filling my trunk full of nickles and running a bootleg atm behind the bowling alley

now more than ever

you know how to fart, don’t you? you just pull apart your checks and blow

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

[playing poker] FRIEND: I’m all in ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too FRIEND: um, a pair of kings ME: you bet we are

me: *kissing forehead* are you ready for your first day of school tomorrow daughter: yeah, there’s just one thing i don’t understand me: what dear? daughter: how come garlic pretzels smell so good in the bag and so bad on your breath me: daughter: me: ok, goodnight

do you think tennis umpires and lifeguards ever fall in love at the tall chair store

this is too seductive of a pose for a cartoon bear to sell nuts

there is no punishment if you finish last in my fantasy football league, as negative reinforcement is rarely effective, but istg if you beat me again keith i will slash your tires

Just saw one of those metal dinosaurs that eats houses

putting a “honk if i can have $6” bumper sticker on my car and sitting at a red light until i can afford this bitchin’ crystal samurai statue i saw in my dream last night

don’t fish ever stop and think “wait, why is a worm in the water lol”

how do i explain to my kids two women being married?? how explain sun go away at night but come back next day? how explain magic rectangle show people talk??? HOW

this guy at the gym keeps looking to see what’s over the pull up bar and each time it’s just the wall lmao

my haters have acquired next-generation hater technology in violation of international treaties

just came up with an idea for a reversible jean jacket: one side is a jean jacket and the other side is an affordable three bedroom home

the riddler running a train on a stack of pizza hut placemats

Trump's on the roof and they can't get him down

feel like slim and fat chance should be a different amount of chance

the Wikipedia entry for axolotls reads like a Cake song

my favorite exercise is the bench press because i just like really love lying down

slippers is a horrible name i don’t like falling over

i don’t understand how it’s a symbol of bankruptcy surly a barrel costs more than pants

reposting myself an hour later like

climate change has gone TOO FAR

ok, but what does the commissioner do when he needs to reach batman during the day

The mental health benefits of not knowing any history right now must be massive. Moving through your day with total equanimity. What happens next? Who knows? Maybe something good