The 26.2 sticker on the back of my car is for how many chicken wings I can eat in a minute

idk that anyone’ll get this reference but this reminds me of bill bluff in doug’s christmas episode when he says “i just don’t like dogs. they don’t have any money. they don’t even know what money is”

you watch them put down andy’s cat all nine times

entered a fake phone number when setting up my microwave and now i can't cook a corn dog because it won't turn on without 2-factor authentication and it's sending the eight digit code to someone else's phone

Cher is short for Jack Reacher

i have 2 wolves inside of me and their gdp is embarrassing 🙈

when my wife was pregnant i used to have this fear that i would somehow simply forget i was holding the baby and drop it on the ground but once the kid came it only happened like a few times

reaching for the only copy of “how to meet people” in the library at the same as a beautiful blonde and telling her to fuck off and get her own book

that was a very moving and beautiful version of sweet adeline but like, can i get my fucking haircut now

u should have to like win a hand of solitaire or something before ordering on door dash like when i put my dog’s treat in a kong ball

kinda funny we get a pope from chicago and suddenly the white sox are 2nd in the central

during a tense business negotiation i write my proposal on a piece of paper and slide it across the table. the vp of the opposing company unfolds the paper to see a drawing of them riding me like a horse

imagine going on a pilgrimage up a mountain to talk a wiseman and when you get there he’s like “finally a traveler hey how do i get down from here”

sounds like something anthony kiedis would try to rhyme with california

why do we need socialized medicine when u can just go on r/whatisit and ask if u have ringworm

I purchased a wacky inflatable tube man for a project and since taking receipt of the wacky inflatable tube man the wacky inflatable tube man company has accidentally shipped me a second wacky inflatable tube man. I just received a third shipping confirmation. I am concerned about this trajectory

never relate more to a hockey player than when they lose their stick and continue to skate around pretending to help

It seems to me that you lived your life like a candle or some shit

making a song called harmonica man and just playing the shit out of the piano in the background the whole time

A friend of mine who was TA’ing for an AmLit course found a copy of Moby Dick a student had left behind. It had only one marginal annotation, around page 100, that simply said “whale is important.”

i don’t like going to the barber but there are so few avenues to get a grown man to spin me around in a chair a little

bologna pogna

Is this the guy that’s leading the NBA in falling down? 😭💀 (via HaterReport) #NBA

my neighbor says that he is not a genie yet every time i rub his house he comes outside

Seagulls are like street signs, you don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.

i can’t even pat my head and rub my tummy at the same time lol but hope u have fun at the orgy 👍

boss scheduled me for a 1 on 1 today but i didn’t bring my shorts

My barber forgot to cut my hair. I had to go back

gonna open a chain of inconvenience stores. what do we sell? fuck you! that’s what

billion dollar idea 💡 a vending machine that actually fucking works and doesn’t “reboot” after you put your only $2 in cash into it leaving you hangry and calling the rest of ur coworkers fuckasses all morning

generally i feel powerless to affect much of what is happening in the world unless of course my baseball team needs a few late inning runs and i start wearing my hat 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒔𝒔𝒕 funny enough

[running into my old babysitter] so do you still watch tv

what if we all just shut the fuck up

Online and the real world used to be separate. Two parallel realities. Now, the barrier between realms is breaking down, and online is bleeding into the real world. People who were only ever meant to exist online are gaining power outside. Like matter and antimatter, the results will be explosive

I knew this gave a familiar vibes

ai emts using facial recognition technology to check if my insurance premiums are up to date before administering aid

it’s not just ai i don’t like intelligence of any kind

[wearing a turtleneck] i’m working myself up to a belt

ok maybe half was generous

I GET LOGGED OUT. BUT I LOG IN AGAIN

i like to think of the website as half-up

thought of something really funny an hour ago but you’ll never know

u can tell this is a canadian article the american mind can not comprehend the phrase “leftover” hot dog

while looking over upcoming employee birthdays we realized the largest number are in july which i have traced back to slutty halloween costumes

Every time you drink out of a straw you’re giving a tiny blowjob

the first layer of butter on toast or bagel is just the primer. you gotta let that melt into the foundation before applying the real layer of butter.

Mime: Parrot:

wife: there’s this one guy at work who one ups everything i say me: ah man i hate that i work with a couple guy like that myself