hoobastink, stank, stunk

lemon bagel

this does not feel like a friday at all this feels like stopping a game of kickball to take a math test

holy shit i can’t believe it’s christmas and if the lions lose they’re going to kill them!!

Mr. Beast, all my friends and I were saying how good at boxing you’d be

i love walking around the warehouse on christmas eve wearing the order picker safety harness and saying “i forRRrRged these chains in liiiife” no one laughs but that’s ok some things can just be for you

joseph: what should we name him mary: hmmm…how about.. god jr joseph: jesus christ! mary: oh i like that

two thousand twenty five years nine months and one day ago god went out for a pack of smokes

got steel toe shoes today forgot how much fun kicking stuff is

philip rivers, who did NOT die

dr: let’s test your reflexes me: ok dr: *hits my knee with a little hammer* me: dr: hmm not good…you should have tried to move out of the way

drank a bottle of brake fluid and can’t stand up this shit works

DENTIST RECEPTIONIST: how does... *click click click* June 43, 2043 sound?

elf: the reindeer need names santa: fine, uhh dasher elf: ok santa: dancer elf: uh huh santa: prancer elf: got it santa: vixen elf: yep-what? santa: *licking lips* vixen

[rudolphs birth] donner: whoa what’s with the nose dr: sometimes recessive genes win out. though we’d expect at least one parent to share the characteristic donner: I see. hey the delivery's over why are you still wearing that mask dr: well... donner: take it off dr: donner: take. it. off.

if the knicks cover the spread tonight we’re going to disney world and if they don’t your present is anything i have enough points for in the draftkings store

When you’re emailing me mean, this is who you’re emailing mean (pudgy round nugget)

trying to practice more patience at work by downloading a picture of baby using a computer who i can pretend is on the other side of my work emails

does the Grinch’s dick unfurl like a fiddlehead?

always funny when i see someone driving around the gym parking lot searching for a closer spot before going inside to run on a hamster wheel for an hour and a half

GOD: if my commandments get 50,000 likes, i will tell Abraham to kill his son

an npc coming home after a long day of selling wares and walking into the wall outside their house for twelve hours

shoveling snow sucks it’s the work of using a shovel without the joy of making a hole

using a card at a vending machine is so embarrassing “hi wells fargo. can i have a candy bar?”

the crossbow has to be one of the most “hey give me a second here” weapons of all time

fb reels are just interesting enough for me to watch this guy lint roll a banana but not interesting enough for me to turn on the volume to figure out why

[throwing $100 bill into a wishing well] i wish i was good with money

kind of laughing at the idea of how hard henry ford had to blow to inflate the first car tire

I had a dream i went to a neurodivergent rap concert and one of the rappers yelled 'yo where all my autistics at' and the crowd cheered and held up copies of Moby Dick like cigarette lighters.

Mechanic [sliding out from under Optimus Prime]: I think I see what the issue is. This truck is also a big guy somehow

imagine giving a newborn baby gold and the next guy’s present is a drum solo

I don't need to watch unboxing videos, I have Opening the Microwave with ADHD. Will it be empty? Is yesterday's breakfast still in there? Will I go to heat up my coffee and find another mug of coffee? The passport I just spent $150 replacing? Impossible to say

people say not to toot ur own horn but whose horn and i supposed to toot? urs?? lol, no thanks pal

an advent calendar with each day providing a small piece of the mystical sword needed to fight Santa when he finally breaks in

It takes a big man to admit that he’s wrong. It takes a small man to squeeze through the dog door

the crows i’ve been feeding in my yard have a very “who the fuck is this guy” about my christmas inflatables

My niece is drawing everyone's picture, one by one revealing our deepest insecurities like a she's in a Stephen King book

What I don't get about American history is during the Revolutionary War period everyone was named things like "John Adams". But when the Civil War comes around everyone is named things like "Jedediah Hotchkiss" and "Ambrose Burnside". Then we just went back to normal names? What was going on??

Studio Sale! I’m packing up my studio and moving across the country, which means all art is on sale 🥳🥳🥳 It’s the perfect time to get a holiday gift for yourself or someone else (and help me clear out my pile of work!) whatmaddness.com/shop

[argument at thanksgiving dinner] wife: *whispering to me* don’t start taking sides this time me: why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* they're too busy yelling to notice

idiot guy: i'm like the wolf i'm stalking my prey alone through the forest and being raw as fuck even if i'm in a group i'm the alpha actual wolf: i love my friends so much!!! i love to romp and kiss my bros and work together as a family <3 awooo etc etc have you seen the puppies oh my god come see

One of my best friends was raised JW, and I asked him the other day if they believed in the devil, since they don’t believe in Hell. He said “Very much so.” And all I could think was, “But where does he LIVE?”

doing the dishes in my sink so the guy coming to fix my heating doesn’t know i eat breakfast

kind of shitty that we nail shoes to horse’s feet when their hooves are literally made of glue

I dont care about scaring the hoes. The hoes are wrong

he died doing what he loved. crashing a hot air balloon into the eiffel tower in an effort to tell people what kind of sex organs his upcoming child would have

Zohran flip your hair again we need healthcare get him to give us healthcare.

dr: lets do two truths and a lie me: i’d really rather n- dr: i can speak french me: *sighs* ok dr: you have more than a month to live me: what dr: i can play the trombone me: ….can you? dr: oui

i accept grok painting him as morally superior to jesus christ and more athletically gifted than lebron james but i will NOT STAND for bear grylls erasure