forgot how much i love this

people forget but air bud was an absolute liability on defense

RFK Jr: You know, if someone… collapses in front of you the best course of action is… to leave immediately, because their soul just… came out and it’s flying around the room looking for a new… vessel at that point

in middle school a kid entered the talent show with a rap about social studies and got booed off the stage, the world wasn't ready for Hamilton yet

every star trek episode is titled Ere Fire Down From Olympus Came and every plot is "what if a comet had a milf on it"

the ghost that haunts my house keeps bragging that he can go inside the microwave while it’s on, like i care

sad to lose donna jean today

It's the time of year again -- time to do your holiday shopping from independent artists. It's more important than ever to support people actually making stuff! If you're an artist or craftsperson of any kind, please reply to this with what you make and a link to your store and I'll share it!

a storm trooper who’s about to receive some bad news on their performance review

one time at my kid’s day care they did a trunk or treat and one of the families dressed up as bob’s burgers and handed out sliders instead of candy and idk how to make this punchy but it’s one of the best things that’s ever happened to me

neil armstrong: hey you uh didn’t….fake it, right? the moon: oh, no way baby, you totally landed on me

Give me a treat boys and fill my bowl I wanna dress up as a spooky ghoul for milky ways

me: are you familiar with the infinite universe theory gf: yeah of course me: so there must be one where I run over your dad with a go-kart gf: I guess so me: so *pulling out flowers from behind my back* you can see how this isn’t my fault

i don’t know what alexa js practicing for but i do not like it

Not book smart, not street smart, but a secret third kind of smart (not)

[slowly rising out of a nearby pumpkin] Put your hand to your chest. Feel your heartbeat? That's your ghost chipping away at its cell.

if u get talked into joining a debate team ur probably gonna lose

BREAKING: The mitochondria have released a statement they are ending their long running symbiotic relationship with humans, citing "increasingly poor use of the energy we provide".

dracula is the best costume because you can wear most of it and still go to a wedding

[putting up halloween decorations] spider who lives is my hallway: THIS IS GENTRIFICATION

in the library screaming what noise does a deflating tire make and the librarian immediately answers

ken jennings: you…swallowed your buzzer?? me: *punches myself in the stomach* what is yes

one christmas when i was a kid my parents got me a slinky for our stairless house and in case you couldn’t tell by the first part of this post we didn’t exactly have a lot of books lying around either

getting a michael myers mask to break into william shatner’s iphone

do not let the name fool you i am stuck in a “bear” trap

I've been sober 14+ years. About the same amount of time as everyone in Dodger Stadium right now

not sure how i have 1900 posts when i’ve had like six thoughts my entire life

really love how this loads and looks like they’re peeking out from the sewer grate

clicked on “what’s hot classic” for the first time in months and had forgotten just how horny this app can be if u let it

life really is all about perspective instead of thinking “i’m stuck in a sewer drain 😢 ” say “i’m going to meet a fireman 😃 “

aaron rodgers finally returns to green bay and the decide to dress him up like a bumble bee lmao

people are pretty upset about what trump’s done to the east wing but i heard when joe biden left he filled all the nail holes that his posters made with toothpaste to try and get his security deposit back in full

saw golden state’s shooting coach warm up with steph and imagine he’s gotta feel a bit like the lifeguard overseeing the pool during the gold medal olympic round

Tara has always been one of the most creative and funniest people I've met in my social media misadventures. If she's worked this hard on a project, it's going to be worth it to help it come to life.

just heard an ad on the radio for a lawyer who can get you out of your timeshare obligation and i gotta say it’s a smart way to tap into a customer base that loves signing up for shit

you don't understand. as someone who isn't inherently good at art, stealing paintings from the museum is the *only* way i'm able to express myself creatively. i wouldn't be able to paint beautiful portraits. but by breaking into a museum and stealing the paintings, now i am

make it a double

luckily ai can never steal my art since i only paint pictures of stairs and crosswalks

it’s true you never really know what someone else is going through. like me for instance, right now i’m in the car wash and lemme tell you something i…am…afraid

why is aaron rodgers always making faces like he’s jim from the office

dropped my basket at the grocery store and broke all my eggs felt like a real asshole

the overlooked benefit of dial up was that noone could call me during my internet time

He did it again for the 5 year anniversary

the thing about solar power is that eventually the sun will die whereas the stewart’s by my house always has gasoline

thought this was green eggs and ham for a second

if I grew to giant size, I would only defend the city. I would never destroy it

anxiety is just like having pre-traumatic stress disorder

harassment in the workplace (director’s cut)

oedipus: do u have to keep saying that samuel l jackson: saying what