seeing an early front runner for worst guy of the year

MYSTERIOUS STRANGER: *hands woman box* If you press this button, someone you don't know dies WOMAN: Ok *presses button* STRANGER: Whoa, I didn't even tell you about the money WOMAN: I can't afford to pay much STRANGER: No, you don't pay WOMAN: Oh good *presses button again* STRANGER: Jesus Christ

one problem with learning is it will make you so angry at how stupid everything is

What’s next, some more evil shit that sucks and can’t be ignored

This insane asshole has been doing nothing but crimes since the day he took office, you're the only branch of government with the power to remove him and you're not even going to try because it might not work? Why are you even there? To feel important and do insider trading?

I'm getting mixed messages about what is okay to do to presidents

VPN stands for Very Paranoid Nerd you did not hear this from me

oh yeah? well, could a dying sex criminal do THIS? [bombs venezuela]

it sucks being a person with morals and integrity in 2026!!! IT SUCKS

Insane flex apnews.com/article/zohr...

the dooms not gonna scroll itself

i think my constant stream of failure stems from having no website

everything is terrible so tonight go out and worship the wolf supermoon she’s our only hope

Trump's chief contribution to American politics is revealing that you don't need a respectable veneer for evil, corrupt behavior. You can rob the bank, say you did it because you like money and you'll do it again, and challenge anyone to stop you

Impeach, convict, remove.

So much of American history is just impulsive and extremely stupid elites, who don't believe in consequences because they have never personally experienced them, doing highly consequential stuff because they're bored or believe it might make them richer. I guess a lot of our culture, too.

(To messenger) Go now! Tarry not! (Looking out the castle window moments later) This mf tarrying

If you don't think the capture of Nicolas Maduro has made the world safer, just remember how the death of Saddam Hussein brought stability to the region and a lasting peace to the world.

i’m reminded of the famous line from the 2022 horror film Speak No Evil where the victims ask their assailants why they are doing this and the unhinged response: “Because you let me”

If you let him get away with this, he’ll do it with Iran and whatever other neocon bugaboos have been lingering around conservative media since Obama first started running. Maybe Greenland but less intense because white. One of them will invariably respond in the mainland U.S. Stop him before then.

by half would work. can only one major system be failing at a time. all of them failing is getting hard to navigate

as politely and humbly as possible i would like to ask: could the managers of the simulation please dial the difficulty down a notch or two

as if the war crimes aren’t bad enough, they are also ruining a perfectly good saturday

i’m not seeing here in the constitution where it says every single day must be insane

[God creating dogs] Oh these turned out great. Im going to want all of these back at some point

One nice way to feel better about yourself is to imagine what Steve Irwin would say about you if you were a little snake he found in the desert

i call dibs on looking at the moon first tonight

one time a wheel was so squeaky I went to the tool aisle and used a can of WD-40 on it

if you get a cart with a bad wheel, they should give you a small reward if you make it to checkout

You gotta love a squirrel just running around the zoo. The Bonus Animal

wind chill?? i wish it would! !

Hamburger Help her bury the body

well, it’s time for my nightly saying of the main cuss words, which is something i have done daily for many years every night

[being buttered] me: what the hell murderer: (apologetic) you know what i brought the wrong frickin knife

a murderer tries to murder me but i calmly and politely inform him that i have left those types of behaviors, such as dying, behind me

*hitting the curb* alright, shuffle time

Bold Prediction: in 2026, dogs will still be overwhelmingly fantastic

“in all seriousness though, 2026 is going to be a fantastic year” he said, passive-aggressively while 2026 was standing well within earshot

*whispering to myself as I slide a third hot dog into my wife’s Christmas stocking* speak of me as one who loved not wisely, but too well

a hotdog is like if a candy bar were meat

ordering my hotdog new england style (topped with hot clam chowder)

me: allow me to be a frank with you you: ok but don't you mean 'be fran-' me: [is suddenly a hotdog] you: [is suddenly a hotdog]

Today's newsletter: I read the Jack Smith transcript Republicans released on New Year's Eve so you don't have to. Here are 12 takeaways: www.readtpa.com/p/house-repu...

Jamiroquai when Jamiro vewwy sad

Mamdani: For too long, those fluent in the good grammar of civility have deployed decorum to mask agendas of cruelty

perfect timing to launch my new streaming series titled Strangest Things

lonely, cool bros would keep our discmen on our passenger seats bc 1) less likely to skip while cushioned 2) no-one in the seat, so why not