[dr looking at x-ray] well, unfortunately… (removes glasses)… it looks like your brain was built on top of an ancient indian burial ground

*uses reusable grocery bag to store all my plastic grocery bags*

Well, gas is expensive, and food is expensive, and we’re doing a war nobody wants, but at least there are no jobs

GENIE: what is your wish ME: an ice cream cone from mcdonalds GENIE: sorry the machine is down

whether or not life is actually really tough all the time, it's a pretty big deal to have a leader (parent, boss, "other") help you feel like it's not with the same set of circumstances, two different leaders can help you feel wildly different about your current environment and forward outlook

I lack the words to capture it, but ... it's just endlessly remarkable to me that so many people in our society have chosen trans kis -- TRANS KIDS, the smallest, least significant, most vulnerable demographic slice you could possibly pick -- as a repository for all their fears & insecurities.

[putting ketchup on eggs] friend: that looks gross me: yeah it’s an acquired taste but honestly i put hot sauce on almost everything else too

This is a chilling crime. A shame on our country. The Iranian ship was unarmed. The US knew this. The sailors were murdered by our navy, and the survivors were left to die at sea. newrepublic.com/post/207429/...

(turning a big rusty crank) let’s fire up another day here on the bullshit machine

she’s a ten but she won’t do duck lips with Pringles

hey are you guys wang chungin tonight or

[after a solid minute of the funeral director staring at us, i repeat] …bunk coffins [my wife doing stacked hands motion] like…double decker

me: hi my name is william markwayne: hi my names are markwayne

Correction. Orwell never said this. He did however, warn that: "political language... is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.” (That's Politics and the English Language, one of my favorite essays)

Storing lots of jokes on my hard drive. Over 100 gigglebytes.

fuck you but not the horse you rode in on

imagine being fired. ok, well that sucks. now, imagine being fired by the worst president of all time

[not making eye contact with you] of course i'm not a reply guy [sips an earl grey tea quite gingerly] i'm an rsvp guy

the funniest thing about kristi's firing in my opinion is that they didn't fire her horse or cowboy hat and they will be able to continue their careers without her

reporter: kristi! mrs noem! is it true that your face is not dishwasher safe?? [the gears in her neck whirr as her head turns to answer]

maybe something good will happen soon

overheard some of the scientists say that they need to fortify my enclosure because i will begin the metamorphosis soon?? okay ???

“You can’t use that kind of deadly force when my kids get here”

[first day as a stormtrooper] me: *expertly shooting all of the enemies* darth vader: (clears throat) can i see you in my office please

Well well well, if it isn’t the people who suck doing some more shit that sucks

Thanks, everyone! My new #Dateline podcast called TRACE OF SUSPICION is already #1 on the Apple chart. Subscribers can listen now; everyone else can hear the first two episodes for free next Tuesday.

i swear to god there is a fucken guy that works at Hello Fresh who is like “what if we made them zest a lime at every meal lmao”

me: *not doing crimes* my government: *doing a ton of crimes* me: (simple hand gesture) should i possibly be doing at least a small number of crimes?? ?

watching any press conference with the current administration

NEW on Threadless: discounted sticker packs! See them all at eatf.art/stickers

normal dog, switzerland, 15th century

me: i got a little too heavy into the guac and now my tummy's in a bad way 911: oh my god [the Tummy In A Bad Way sirens begin to sound across the city]

me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom you: you DO have kids me: WHAT

BREAKING: the Hamburglar was caught paying for a hamburger yesterday and no one knows what to do

Got it. I'm sorry for your loss. To clarify: You want a eulogy for your father that's 𝘂𝗻𝗶𝗾𝘂𝗲, sounds 𝘀𝗺𝗮𝗿𝘁, and captures the 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗵𝗶𝗺. I get it. He wasn't just your father — he was your Dad. Here a few options I came up with:

the kind of thing that gets played at a war crimes trial

Wait so [takes pencil from behind my ear and licks the point] something cool for my upstairs can be made out of the stuff that usually goes on my downstairs?

the thing about pete hegseth is that he is always so excited to get in front of a camera to say the dumbest shit imaginable. he thinks he is giving speeches that will be remembered for their poignancy instead of their idiocy

Ça "march" pas du coup

may march the fourth be with you

25 of the funniest posts we’ve seen on Bluesky this week www.thepoke.com/2026/03/04/2...

my wife in the living room just asked me in the kitchen how my quest for noise is going

we appear to have four competing fascist movements jockeying for control: blood & soil nazism under miller and hegseth, darwinian ecofascism from rfk, technofascism under vance and musk, and one Big Wet Hitler who understands the true animating core of the american volk is a deep love for shopping

me: hello jason statham: (father was killed by a friendly greeting) excuse me

time travel tsa: you forgot to remove this 3.5 ounce container of liquid from your carry on billy: i’ll do it yesterday

everyone stand back, i’m going to make dinner

The numbers are staggering: Rent is now unaffordable for a record *half* of U.S. renters. Some 30 million jobs pay less than $15 an hour. The average wage needed to afford a one-bedroom apartment has climbed to $28.17 — nearly four times the federal minimum wage, which hasn't gone up in 16 years.

If you smell toast, you might be having a stroke... a stroke of luck that is. It’s toast time.

either (a) there was no evacuation plan; (b) it wasn't feasible to begin with; (c) it wasn’t executed in time; or (d) it wasn't activated on purpose.