Jacked action hero with goon in headlock, in raspy yet firm voice:

Twerkers at the barbeque get priority parking 🫡

hey babe this teriyaki sauce expired in (checks label) 2019 but were you keeping it for a specific purpose

wearing my women in stem t-shirt on international women’s day to celebrate the fact that i was given that and a reusable water bottle instead of equal pay

well i hope filling up the car today gets me through the next year or two

international women’s day

Legit thought this morning "they had to get up a hour early to turn the birds on today"

Yes

women: (on international women's day) finally a day for me men: (on the same day) BABE I CAN'T FIND MY HOUR, HAVE YOU SEEN MY HOUR, I CAN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE

Forget about it

mom of mia

Gob of ghoul

it’s of me, mario

bod of boom, bod of bing

You make the skeets that remind you of the standard times You make the skeets that remind you of the daylight times

I have watched this approximately 47 times and laughed out loud 47 times

THREAD: I got laid off from NYMag/Vulture after 14 years. The family lost 75% of income + medical. Now mzs.press bookstore, once a side project. is do-or-die for Judith & I. I feel weird telling you this because others are doing much worse. But if you could like or share this, we'd be so grateful!

Greetings, new friends! You may know me as an author, a prolific Bluesky poster and 4th place finisher on So You Call That Dancing? But you might not know that my partner Judith (@mzpress) and I have an online arts bookstore that's growing every day. Full inventory here: mzs.press/EVERYTHING-W...

I know this isn't the time for jokes, but also it is precisely the time for jokes

Trump multiple times just today has said the country is at war. War can only be declared by Congress, and Iran posed no imminent threat. What Trump is doing there is a textbook illegal war and impeachable offense — if we still had a Congress.

[Pictionary timer buzzes] Picasso: it was a cow Me: it certainly the fuck was not

Pain at the pump 🎶 Feel like a chump 🎶 Just checked the news 🎶 Outbreak of Mumps 🎶

me: hello i just saw a guy drinking ginger ale 911: (eyes narrowing) was he on a plane me: sir he was not [alarms sound in the distance]

me: where would you like to eat? wife: i dont care, you pick my sound effects guy: *sad trombone* me: leonard, please, not right now

hey everyone i just invented a new thing and since congress doesn't exist anymore we can just go ahead and do it, i'm calling it Citizen's Impeachment

dog this is straight up fucking crazy

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH

me: I’ll just lie down for 5 minutes my body: ok we will now enter a mysterious state that is worse than sleep but also not rest

Five-Star General: (gravely) Sir, Operation Epic Bacon is not going awesomesauce

I've giving up and going full-Flintstones car, just yabba dabba doing my way down the Trans-Canada

I just decided after my fill-up, this morning, that I won't drive anymore. I'm planning to invent teleportation. I'll keep you posted.

well i hope filling up the car today gets me through the next year or two

it's dangerous to go alone, take this:

[dr looking at x-ray] well, unfortunately… (removes glasses)… it looks like your brain was built on top of an ancient indian burial ground

*uses reusable grocery bag to store all my plastic grocery bags*

Well, gas is expensive, and food is expensive, and we’re doing a war nobody wants, but at least there are no jobs

GENIE: what is your wish ME: an ice cream cone from mcdonalds GENIE: sorry the machine is down

I lack the words to capture it, but ... it's just endlessly remarkable to me that so many people in our society have chosen trans kis -- TRANS KIDS, the smallest, least significant, most vulnerable demographic slice you could possibly pick -- as a repository for all their fears & insecurities.

This is a chilling crime. A shame on our country. The Iranian ship was unarmed. The US knew this. The sailors were murdered by our navy, and the survivors were left to die at sea. newrepublic.com/post/207429/...

(turning a big rusty crank) let’s fire up another day here on the bullshit machine

hey are you guys wang chungin tonight or

[after a solid minute of the funeral director staring at us, i repeat] …bunk coffins [my wife doing stacked hands motion] like…double decker

me: hi my name is william markwayne: hi my names are markwayne

Correction. Orwell never said this. He did however, warn that: "political language... is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.” (That's Politics and the English Language, one of my favorite essays)

Storing lots of jokes on my hard drive. Over 100 gigglebytes.

fuck you but not the horse you rode in on

imagine being fired. ok, well that sucks. now, imagine being fired by the worst president of all time

[not making eye contact with you] of course i'm not a reply guy [sips an earl grey tea quite gingerly] i'm an rsvp guy