as if the war crimes aren’t bad enough, they are also ruining a perfectly good saturday

i’m not seeing here in the constitution where it says every single day must be insane

Still not the right time to impeach? Should we wait until he bombs California?

[God creating dogs] Oh these turned out great. Im going to want all of these back at some point

One nice way to feel better about yourself is to imagine what Steve Irwin would say about you if you were a little snake he found in the desert

i call dibs on looking at the moon first tonight

one time a wheel was so squeaky I went to the tool aisle and used a can of WD-40 on it

if you get a cart with a bad wheel, they should give you a small reward if you make it to checkout

You gotta love a squirrel just running around the zoo. The Bonus Animal

wind chill?? i wish it would! !

Hamburger Help her bury the body

well, it’s time for my nightly saying of the main cuss words, which is something i have done daily for many years every night

[being buttered] me: what the hell murderer: (apologetic) you know what i brought the wrong frickin knife

a murderer tries to murder me but i calmly and politely inform him that i have left those types of behaviors, such as dying, behind me

*hitting the curb* alright, shuffle time

Bold Prediction: in 2026, dogs will still be overwhelmingly fantastic

“in all seriousness though, 2026 is going to be a fantastic year” he said, passive-aggressively while 2026 was standing well within earshot

*whispering to myself as I slide a third hot dog into my wife’s Christmas stocking* speak of me as one who loved not wisely, but too well

a hotdog is like if a candy bar were meat

ordering my hotdog new england style (topped with hot clam chowder)

me: allow me to be a frank with you you: ok but don't you mean 'be fran-' me: [is suddenly a hotdog] you: [is suddenly a hotdog]

Today's newsletter: I read the Jack Smith transcript Republicans released on New Year's Eve so you don't have to. Here are 12 takeaways: www.readtpa.com/p/house-repu...

Jamiroquai when Jamiro vewwy sad

Mamdani: For too long, those fluent in the good grammar of civility have deployed decorum to mask agendas of cruelty

perfect timing to launch my new streaming series titled Strangest Things

lonely, cool bros would keep our discmen on our passenger seats bc 1) less likely to skip while cushioned 2) no-one in the seat, so why not

started speedrunning the year a little after midnight and i've already made it to may; totally circumvented tax day

you have displeased him

in twenty twenty six i am bringing back having a Discman velcro'd to the dashboard

FUN FACT: the Gregorian calendar got its name when co-inventors greg and ian couldn't agree on the name

Jesus, can you hear me? Good, the comms are working. Now, you're gonna need to run if you want to evade those Roman soldiers. Hold down A to sprint. Go ahead and try it. ... Good work! You just might be the savior yet. Now pick up that AR-15 and let's do some target practice.

If 2025 didn't stop you nothing will

just saw a billionaire pack all his things in a bindle and start leaving new york city on foot. he turned and looked at me with tears in his eyes and said “maybe one day when this city is safe we’ll return” before walking away

The mall was closed for good. But it was open...for EVIL!

only one resolution for me and it’s to not do a single social media post at all this year

they should invent a year that's better than the one before it

At midnight today, it will have been 2016 for the past decade.

You should be able to rev your shopping cart at people in the grocery store

If I’m annoying you have to tell me btw

only a few days left this year to please send me exactly eleven hundred dollars

I'm pretty good at emerging from stuff. Shadows, fog, murky water - I'll emerge from them all

buttering bread should look like you’re frosting a cupcake i won’t be answering any questions at this time

"if I pronounce a word wrong, it's because I learned it by reading," I say through tears as my wife's step son roundly mocks me for saying "The Wizard of Ounce"

thinking about setting the roomba free for the holidays, just opening the door and letting it go (in case its new years resolution is to kill)

the only "2fa" i wanna deal with is 2 fuckin' 'amburgers

As we enter the New Year remember fear of making bad art is holding you back. Fear of people not liking your work is holding you back. Rejection is holding you back You'll make bad art, you'll have people not like your work, and you'll be rejected. Moving past it is half the job of being a creative

accidentally encased myself in a large jello cube again (lime)