for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for taco

[bought some apple fritters] me: (to my wife) I HOPE U LIKE NICE GIFT

one cool thing that has helped me lately is that i created a Google calendar with all the local car, bird and democrat events for the near future and summer. looking at that in schedule view gives me so many things to look forward to and helps me deal with "dang today sucks"

Five-Star General: (gravely) Sir, Operation Epic Bacon is not going awesomesauce

I've giving up and going full-Flintstones car, just yabba dabba doing my way down the Trans-Canada

I just decided after my fill-up, this morning, that I won't drive anymore. I'm planning to invent teleportation. I'll keep you posted.

well i hope filling up the car today gets me through the next year or two

why does bessent always look like he's leaning too far back in his chair? if you can't sit in a chair right, i don't trust you

one day i hope to have a president that can stay awake

temp got above 70f today so it's ballcaps 24/7 from here on out

now hang on a dang second: where did the dad go that was having beers with his buddies every friday and making a nice list of discussion topics?? i could use that whimsy back in my life asap please

it's dangerous to go alone, take this:

[dr looking at x-ray] well, unfortunately… (removes glasses)… it looks like your brain was built on top of an ancient indian burial ground

*uses reusable grocery bag to store all my plastic grocery bags*

Well, gas is expensive, and food is expensive, and we’re doing a war nobody wants, but at least there are no jobs

GENIE: what is your wish ME: an ice cream cone from mcdonalds GENIE: sorry the machine is down

whether or not life is actually really tough all the time, it's a pretty big deal to have a leader (parent, boss, "other") help you feel like it's not with the same set of circumstances, two different leaders can help you feel wildly different about your current environment and forward outlook

I lack the words to capture it, but ... it's just endlessly remarkable to me that so many people in our society have chosen trans kis -- TRANS KIDS, the smallest, least significant, most vulnerable demographic slice you could possibly pick -- as a repository for all their fears & insecurities.

[putting ketchup on eggs] friend: that looks gross me: yeah it’s an acquired taste but honestly i put hot sauce on almost everything else too

This is a chilling crime. A shame on our country. The Iranian ship was unarmed. The US knew this. The sailors were murdered by our navy, and the survivors were left to die at sea. newrepublic.com/post/207429/...

(turning a big rusty crank) let’s fire up another day here on the bullshit machine

she’s a ten but she won’t do duck lips with Pringles

hey are you guys wang chungin tonight or

[after a solid minute of the funeral director staring at us, i repeat] …bunk coffins [my wife doing stacked hands motion] like…double decker

me: hi my name is william markwayne: hi my names are markwayne

Correction. Orwell never said this. He did however, warn that: "political language... is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.” (That's Politics and the English Language, one of my favorite essays)

Storing lots of jokes on my hard drive. Over 100 gigglebytes.

fuck you but not the horse you rode in on

imagine being fired. ok, well that sucks. now, imagine being fired by the worst president of all time

[not making eye contact with you] of course i'm not a reply guy [sips an earl grey tea quite gingerly] i'm an rsvp guy

the funniest thing about kristi's firing in my opinion is that they didn't fire her horse or cowboy hat and they will be able to continue their careers without her

reporter: kristi! mrs noem! is it true that your face is not dishwasher safe?? [the gears in her neck whirr as her head turns to answer]

maybe something good will happen soon

overheard some of the scientists say that they need to fortify my enclosure because i will begin the metamorphosis soon?? okay ???

“You can’t use that kind of deadly force when my kids get here”

[first day as a stormtrooper] me: *expertly shooting all of the enemies* darth vader: (clears throat) can i see you in my office please

Well well well, if it isn’t the people who suck doing some more shit that sucks

Thanks, everyone! My new #Dateline podcast called TRACE OF SUSPICION is already #1 on the Apple chart. Subscribers can listen now; everyone else can hear the first two episodes for free next Tuesday.

i swear to god there is a fucken guy that works at Hello Fresh who is like “what if we made them zest a lime at every meal lmao”

me: *not doing crimes* my government: *doing a ton of crimes* me: (simple hand gesture) should i possibly be doing at least a small number of crimes?? ?

watching any press conference with the current administration

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normal dog, switzerland, 15th century

me: i got a little too heavy into the guac and now my tummy's in a bad way 911: oh my god [the Tummy In A Bad Way sirens begin to sound across the city]

me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom you: you DO have kids me: WHAT

BREAKING: the Hamburglar was caught paying for a hamburger yesterday and no one knows what to do

Got it. I'm sorry for your loss. To clarify: You want a eulogy for your father that's 𝘂𝗻𝗶𝗾𝘂𝗲, sounds 𝘀𝗺𝗮𝗿𝘁, and captures the 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗵𝗶𝗺. I get it. He wasn't just your father — he was your Dad. Here a few options I came up with:

the kind of thing that gets played at a war crimes trial

Wait so [takes pencil from behind my ear and licks the point] something cool for my upstairs can be made out of the stuff that usually goes on my downstairs?

the thing about pete hegseth is that he is always so excited to get in front of a camera to say the dumbest shit imaginable. he thinks he is giving speeches that will be remembered for their poignancy instead of their idiocy