Come on, can we please just cut to the part where the bad guys eat shit

It’s weird how the White House can just blame a “staffer” for the racist post as if just any low level flunky can pretend to be the President of the United States at any random time.

Doing art badly is good and sacred

I'm at the Olympics and the entire stadium booed JD Vance. 😌

Only people who aren't sexual predators will get this: Consent

My wife & I tried role play but we kept fighting over who would be Mr. Bean

Saying "Lincoln was a Republican" is like saying “Kevin Spacey won an Oscar.” Technically it’s true, but a lot of shit has happened since then

It is my birthday and you are legally obligated to be nice to me

Only people who aren't sexual predators will get this: Consent

Got kicked out of the liberry again cuz a couple people complained about my therapy goose Insane Willie.

One of the most important things we need to be educated on is how billionaires profit from prison slave labor. So many corporations rely on it for their precious profits. The more people in prison (especially private prisons) the better for them.

From @acyn.bsky.social (posted on X) "Reporter: Do any of you have a favorite animal? Child: My favorite one is a gold snake that can move. It has gold eyes, and it has a super-duper tail… Reporter: Mr. Mamdani, the second question for you. Mamdani: Yes. It’s also the golden snake."

Hurry up and make a drafts folder, Bluesky. Stop forcing me to Google Docs to workshop my amazing ideas

Woke 2 is firing on all cylinders and ahead of schedule, I didn't have "the president has to retract his nakedly racist social media posts" on the calendar until july

the kid who pulled up with a ben franklin fake ID should get a free drink for it when they turn 21

anyway sorry the guy you have supported and made excuses for for years is a sadistic gutter racist whose every action would horrify your average saturday morning cartoon villain we did tell you, repeatedly

Turns out zip ties make excellent frames for dollhouse art (3x2 cm)

PLEASE SIGN AND SHARE. Tell Congress that Michael Cohen, Michael Wolff, Bill Gates, Steve Bannon, Elon Musk and others need to speak up about what they know about Jeffrey Epstein and Donald Trump when it comes to the horrific crimes against young women and CHILDREN! www.change.org/Justice4Surv...

"victims"

Sir Ian McKellen performing a monologue from Shakespeare’s Sir Thomas More on the Stephen Colbert show. Never have I heard this monologue performed with such a keen sense of prescience. Nor have I ever been in this exact historical moment.TY Sir Ian, for reaching us once again. #Pinks #ProudBlue

SCORPION: take me across the river FROG: if I do that, you'll sting me S: if I sting you, we'll both drown F: ok, that makes sense *halfway across the river* F: so? S: so what? F: sting me S: what? F: sting me, like you promised S: no F: sting me so we'll both drown S: *crying* what is happening?

Alright so we're gonna have to agree as a society on at least one old school torture method to bring back on a limited basis just to make a point about this kind of thing.

the email is from his brother 😬

what in the Jesus Christ holy shit y'all

Not once did I believe these wretched souls not know what they were doing was evil. They knew. They know.

Burn it all until it's ash and salt the earth afterward.

lately when my semi-verbal 11yo autistic daughter wants to break contact in a situation she waves her arms and says "DIVERSION!" then she does a spin move to run away saying "SO LONG SUCKER"

Incredible stuff happening at Spencer’s Gifts

it used to be that you only had to catch up on the horrors two or three times a day but then they said oh no no no that’s not enough horrors

tried to catch video of a huge bird soaring through a canyon and was so high I just watched the bird through my phone without recording anything

izmo is Mark Epstein btw (idk how common knowledge that is)

it’s genuinely reassuring to me that this is the most miserable and paranoid person in the entire world

Has anyone searched for that Olympic gymnast doctor yet

Jesus Christ.

"victims"

Neow

Don’t think of throwing your hot dog at the pigeons as feeding them. Think of it as self-defense.

Looks like my cat has awakened in The Matrix

When a pig gets an abrasion he puts on some oinkment. It's called Neosporkin.

INTERVIEWER: can i see your resume ME: *slides paper across desk* INTERVIEWER: this is just a note that says “do u like me __yes __no” ME: *averts eyes* well do u INTERVIEWER: *bites end of pencil* idk maybe

Just a brief reminder that I have a newsletter over on Buttondown that welcomes all sorts of subscriptions and views. The next guide will be going out soon, so subscribe to receive the freshest text. buttondown.com/dorsalstream

"Online jokes?" Haven’t heard of any of those in years

This facial hair legitimately pisses me off

The best thing about nobody buying tickets to Melania is you can just make up stuff that happens in the movie and people will believe you. My favorite part is when she throws up in her purse after the hot dog eating contest

"It's not sexist. Roger Ailes used to tell us that." 😭

Me (when someone quotes my post): No, bitch Me (when I quote someone's post & they detach it): No, bitch