Let’s take a look at how Apple’s auto captioning is working on Elmo

I flip those motion-activated paper towel dispensers the finger to show the ghosts who operate them who's boss

Shakespeare implies Stirspeare

Every night I sneak into the reflecting pool and plant a little algae. Wonder if anyone will notice.

yes, i know iPhones are expensive & that’s a hard pill to swallow. but a tablet would be harder. to swallow. folks,,

We have reincarnation at home

i put a kalshi on trump NOT saying “350 foot slit” today and lost big

If I was a dancer I'd make my bank pin 5678.

It's always may cause "drowsiness" what about whimsy

if you build a house around a vampire you have to invite them to leave

if i was Paddington Bear I'd be feasting on British people until Scotland Yard killed me in a hail of gunfire

Happy, Happy Birthday, @funkelly.bsky.social ! 🎶🌺🎉🎂🥳🎈🎊🎁👯🍾

350 Foot Slit would be a great band name

Tarot reader flips over the "Guy Who Gets Killed Cleaning Animal Cages" card and tells me she didn’t even know it was part of the deck.

AISLE 7 - Chips - Cookies - Quackers

SUMMER SOLSTICE FACTS • invented in 1964 for New York World's Fair • only time that sun actually wears sunglasses • longest day, also widest • ducks may fly in reverse • worms must wiggle backwards • marmot behavior remains unchanged • official food is toast

Utility company website: Are you a robot? Me: No, but if there are robots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

DR MARIO: you have a tumor ME: i have two more what

seeing a lot of dad’s marked down 50% at the store this morning

everything is a joke but nothing is funny anymore

My greatest talent is always pulling exactly 6 Totino's pizza rolls from the bag

What if this existence is just another app that will eventually become so toxic we have to abandon it and find another slightly shittier one

You don't say.

Surprise! The actual secret source of the woes of American society is, once again, “complete assholes”:

feed billionaires to orcas

New app: do you want to enable notifications? Me: I don't even want to have this phone

What if this existence is just another app that will eventually become so toxic we have to abandon it and find another slightly shittier one

when I die, I hope I am also primarily remembered by my burning hatred for Donald Trump as well

if you're not well known for your hatred of evil people, what are you doing with your life

sponge bob square pants

With any luck, this will be the week we replace that slot machine that plays "American Pie" in its entirety when someone wins.

Check out this sword stuck in a stone!!

for fathers day our whole family takes dad out to brunch and makes him pay for it

you: Please, dr moreau. your unholy creations are an affront to god. creatures of land should not combine with creatures of the sea. a baby belongs with its mother sheep, not imprisoned within a pearlescent shell until you see fit to pry open its hinges dr moreau: clamb

do you think the bobcat in my woods is mad at me?

ME: *points at my "World's Greatest Dad" shirt* CO-WORKER: *points at his own "World's Greatest Dad" shirt* ME: *takes a sip from my "World's Greatest Dad" mug* CO-WORKER: *sips from his own "World's Greatest Dad" mug* ME: [eyes narrow] *draws "World's Greatest Dad" sword*

Hey remember how Spencer Pratt ate shit in the election

i like to tell the barista my name is Rabber Nabbafrabbitt so when they call it out they sound like an old-timey prospector

Saw my neighbor on the trail cam doing naked karate

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

Welp, our giraffes like meat now.

If they really wanted to make period dramas authentic, they'd make people's teeth way more fucked up

How does this not have 2.1 billion views?? WATCH. Hilarious! And

updated GFM post-recent circumstances! after getting rugpulled by my mom we're broke & urgently need help with AZ>MN move costs&initial homelessness til we can get work+residency+self-sustainability. sharing/any help massively appreciated<3 venmo/cashapp:@/$d0gg3aux www.gofundme.com/f/help-augus...

If they really wanted to make period dramas authentic, they'd make people's teeth way more fucked up

My daughter: do you know how the Dust Bowl started? Me: well there's a number of factors– My daughter: –wrong, it was cause someone opened one of those Nature Valley bars