To: All Staff Subject: The Rapture In honor of Tuesday's Rapture, we're letting all the animals out. If there is no Rapture, delete and scrub your emails.

Friend: We're worried that you're too online— Me: It's fine; I'm fine. Lemme go! I'm—HEY BLUESKY PUT ME ON THE DISCOVER FEED OR STAB ME WITH A SWORD

People who love to tell you to read the Bible are saying the rapture is coming this week, despite the rapture appearing nowhere in the actual Bible.

I'm happy for @ruinedpicnic, that he's too happy to be here but wouldn't it be great if he were still posting?

FORGET THE CURE FOR AUTISM WHAT IS THE CURE FOR RFK JR TALKING AND HAVING A JOB

shit ain’t over til it’s over

Billion dollar idea: Monetize bitterness

Excited for all the MAGA Supreme Court Justices to be raptured

Interviewer: What are you looking for in a job? Me: A 3-minute montage where I end up rich

Was wondering if @lastweektonight.com would address the Kimmel stuff briefly or make it the "main story" (even though its "main stories" often involve months of prep and research). Looks like they went for it: www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohPT...

He’s absolutely already told Stephen Miller to get rid of another one so he can do this again

My therapist said I had to stop being such a people pleaser so I slapped him. I could tell he wasn’t pleased but he didn’t even acknowledge my progress.

Excited for all the MAGA Supreme Court Justices to be raptured

It is with tremendous sadness we announce that Beatrice—thought to be the last turtle of her species, until Benedict was discovered and introduced into her habitat—told her would-be mate she “has a boyfriend.”

They say Nostradamus' predictions are too vague to take seriously but I find his assertion that "2025 will be fuckin shithousery squared" chillingly accurate

The biggest tease of all time is Raiders of the Lost Ark making me wish for a death ray that instantly turns all nearby Nazis into liquid fire

I've been trying to understand why this isn't generating as much fury as it should, and i think it's because there is a fundamental belief among many americans that the military can pretty much do whatever (which isn't entirely inaccurate.) that said, what the actual fuck.

what do you mean he was a grifter, they're all grifters. are you saying funerals don't usually have a number you can text to order merch

stephen miller’s organs wish they could donate themselves

The alphabet is complicated. Some letters are good, but others are evil. G has a little mustache

album covers but with muppets: thread

JIMMY FALLON: [visibly sweating] h-h-hey everyone, did you guys see that Jimmy Kimmel Live got taken off the air? y-y-yeah, see, see, it was because he [handed index card off screen] isn’t a tough and smart guy like Donald Trump, who definitely should have a talk show instead of me, who also sucks

oh they think theres a rapture tuesday i should probably wear my bulletproof outfit to work that day

There have always been trans people. There will always be trans people. The only "trans agenda" is to live authentically. Removing trans rights, banning trans people from sports, taking away care for trans people puts you on the wrong side of history. Trans rights are human rights 🩵💗🤍

The biggest tease of all time is Raiders of the Lost Ark making me wish for a death ray that instantly turns all nearby Nazis into liquid fire

STEPHEN MILLER: you have no idea what you have awakened. we will save the West. we will turn darkness into light. we will rise like a phoenix from the pit of fire and EVERYONE ELSE AT THE DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS GAME TABLE: ROLL THE FUCKING DIE ALREADY

Hypothetically I think I could take Stephen Miller in the octagon

Virgo: Two heads are better than one, and if you defrost your freezer you might even fit three.

Capricorn: Embrace your curiosity this week! Someone is trying to poison you.

If they're going to try and retcon Charlie Kirk, then we should try to retcon him too.

This life has been modified from its original version. It has been formatted to fit this screen

i think the most important thing you can do to prepare for the rapture on tuesday is give me your bank card and pin code. there's no atm in heaven and i need to buy a wolf alice hoodie at the concert that night.

Scientific evidence suggests that dogs were domesticated over 15,000 years ago. Here's hoping humans become civilized within the next 15,000

"Pant him with less chin. Less. I said LESS. There we go. Beautiful."

Brilliant! "If the rapture actually happened" - TikTok's @just_joshin_witcha (sped up to fit in 60 seconds)

FDR won 42 states in 1932, it wasn't by pandering to Hoover voters. Then Republicans called him a socialist for 4 years. Then he ran for reelection and won 46 states

Dentists HATE him! Local man is a stupid annoying shithead. Everyone hates him

Going to the gas station and grocery store on the same day costs more than the rent on my first apartment and I want to fistfight god

Scientific evidence suggests that dogs were domesticated over 15,000 years ago. Here's hoping humans become civilized within the next 15,000

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw WIFE: wow that sucks ME: i know what a straw does linda

they should invent a potato peeler you can find

Oh you're on bluesky? What's your Banger to Cringe ratio?

Do I need to disclose on a first date that I was cursed by the evil wizard or will that just be obvious from my whole vibe

Usually swans mate for life but ours just sat us down and broke the news: they are conscious uncoupling.

Crockett: "I'm gonna honor someone who decided they were going to proclaim I was involved in the 'great white replacement'? Yeah, I'm not honoring that ... it's unfortunate more of my colleagues even on my side couldn't see the amount of harm this man was attempting to inflict upon our communities"

on a very special episode of mythbusters adam and jamie put this one to the test

BREAKING: The U.K., Canada and Australia officially recognize a Palestinian state, a significant shift away from alignment with the U.S.