[extreme film noir narrator voice] in a city full of sticks, he was the lone delicious carrot

Man, every apocalypse survivor on TV dresses way cuter than I do

Remember when Trump thought that there were magic health beds that could fix every ailment a person had

they should literally campaign on this.

Beginning to think the Delete and Report Spam button on my phone increases the spam

I renewed my TSA PreCheck online. Then they made the mistake of asking if I had any feedback. Um

This just shows how ridiculously stupid this administration is. *Everyone* else in politics was already well aware of how politically toxic high gas prices are—they are the one thing voters notice most. For God's sake, the prices are light up on big signs on street corners for everyone to see.

[Whole populations are annihilated] Oh, the gas prices!

Modern technology could learn from older stuff that does what it's supposed to and doesn't bother you. My toilet just works and never sends me emails like "Good news! Flush® is now Floosh®"

I renewed my TSA PreCheck online. Then they made the mistake of asking if I had any feedback. Um

"I wanna rock."

Please stop booing the zebras. They are not referees. They are zebras.

Mood: birds seem to be singing AT me

bram stoker’s lasagna

translation: the court simply has to make decisions that benefit a pedophile in the White House

Watching one off those "Europeans try American food for the first time" videos and it's the same face my dog made when I tried to give him dinner from a can.

The odds of being murdered in your own home by psychopathic waterfowl are low, but never zero.

I got my first client today! I am still applying for full time work while selling my skills as hourly consulting services because even as a director level research nurse with 15+ years experience, it is tough out here thanks to rfk and trump dismantling the fda and cutting research funding.

Remember when Trump thought that there were magic health beds that could fix every ailment a person had

funniest thing i’ve ever seen

I’m not journaling, I’m trying to slowly destroy this pen using words. It’s complicated.

Dumb people believe in conspiracies because it’s the only way for them to “know more” than everyone else.

watching the willful and steady destruction of respect and faith in all three branches of government is kind of depressing not going to lie

RIP freud. you would’ve loved whatever this is.

My son was very glad to see me after I went away

I'm sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

Probably the most challenging thing about my life right now is being possessed by the Devil

Her: I’m breaking up with you. Me: Can I have custody of the spiral ham?

Having a job is really exhausting but at least I get to spend all the money I make on shit I don't want

Nature is wondrous. Saw turtles doing it in front of their baby today.

sending my freshly casted death mask as a response to an emergency room satisfaction survey

if you die on polymarket you die in real life

one thing that still baffles me is that orchestrated spate of right wing talking points about how the alleged shooting at the WHCD should end any debate over the ballroom it made absolutely zero fuckin sense lol it still makes zero fuckin sense lol

If you repost someone it means you want to marry them.

Airport pick-up line: Want me to sit on your suitcase?

“I’m not even lying,” they lied

🦅

Incredible delivery from Tim.

a lot of people crack wise about bluesky but what if i told you it facilitated the purchase of the onion by an internet guy who then went on to dismantle one of the biggest misinformation engines of the 21st century

yay weekend

[shoe store] ME: Do you have alligator shoes? CLERK: Sorry, we consider that to be animal cruelty {outside} ALLIGATOR: So did you get them? ME: Uh...they didn't have your size

I hope whoever is living in the apartment I was renting 5 years ago is enjoying the copy of Pokopia I accidentally shipped to them.

Of course I'm rooting for the bats

if you’ve followed me for a bit you know i’m going through some substantial unpleasantness. things got much worse this week and i decided to ask for some help. please share this even if you can’t donate. i appreciate it so so much. 💔 spot.fund/28wt32nsc

[restaurant] DATE: I’ll have the chicken. WAITER: And you, sir? ME: The steak. Aren’t you going to write our orders down? WAITER: No, I have a great memory. ME: Prove it. WAITER: The blonde you came in with last Wednesday was much hotter. DATE: Hey! ME: No, he’s right.

i smell a pulitzer

Young people will never know the joy of putting a cassette tape into a doll's chest

Life is hard. I recommend going outside at dog walking o'clock. Just saw a German Shepherd puppy and a Golden Retriever puppy!!