Thank you for trying to get Canadian politicians to take this seriously, *squints* ABBA singer Björn Ulvaeus.

no and fuck you for asking

An incredible country run by extremely normal people

Leave Elon alone. He's just trying to teach the important lesson that the customer is always so based

BREAKING: In Final Act, Chuck Norris Defeats Chuck Norris

saying we need a functional DHS is like saying we need a functional cancer

Much like attorneys general and notaries public, the correct term is sons of bitches.

I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE EPSTEIN FILES. Say it with me. I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE EPSTEIN FILES. I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE EPSTEIN FILES. I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE EPSTEIN FILES. I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE EPSTEIN FILES.

Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare

They should make an app for your phone that locks other apps until you run 3 miles

me: what a beautiful night my date, lesbian dracula: a beautiful night. to drink blood me: i don't agree, lesbian dracula

Please enjoy sweet little million-year-old PSA I just redid for extra goodness, if you've got 59 seconds: www.youtube.com/watch?v=Om6S...

Well, that’s a cautionary tale on multiple levels about “surveillance systems can have very unexpected and unwanted consequences.”

No, I do not watch the news, which is curated by craven morons. I read online updates posted by sad jokers

Think and Grow, Bitch

My long-term financial plan is to fake my own death

Americans urged to "Exercise Extreme Caution" for their own protection. This is like "Beware of Falling Rocks" signs. How exactly does a person prepare to not die from being surprised by danger

the human body was not designed to know what the worst person in the world is doing every fifteen minutes

except chickens, because fuck chickens

Meanwhile bike fuel prices have not changed at Costco.

New bit I've perfected if anyone brings up a problem: I don't really follow politics but it was never like this before Trump. "But the Democrats and the funding and--" Yeah like I said I don't really follow that. There was always politics but before Trump it was never like this. That's all I know

Americans urged to "Exercise Extreme Caution" for their own protection. This is like "Beware of Falling Rocks" signs. How exactly does a person prepare to not die from being surprised by danger

Think and Grow, Bitch

Mr. President sir, the people want you to die.

Why is the hot chocolate so much better in every Canadian coffee shop?

Your reminder that John Cena holds the record for granting the most wishes for the Make-a-Wish Foundation by a considerable margin.

How I respond to "actuallys: - [delete my post] - [ignore] - [click like] How I want to respond: - Interesting. Unlike you - Yes but have you considered you suck ass - If you said this to me in person, I would bite your head

Let me help you with something: Do not believe the online videos of cats playing with cat toys. Your cat will snub them

You know who has been suspiciously quiet about all this lately? The prehistoric salt water crocodile

i mean making ICE agents spend the day at Newark isn't ENOUGH punishment, but i guess it's a start

Pilot: welcome aboard Fighter pilot: [right hook]

Taxpayers Will Soon Need To Pay More For Ballroom Construction Due To Rising Price Of Gilded Cherubs

Science has done amazing things but I just want a tube of sensitive toothpaste that moans when you squeeze it.

Let me help you with something: Do not believe the online videos of cats playing with cat toys. Your cat will snub them

The pop up asks, “Are you enjoying the app?” I pause. I think of sun falling on face, the smell of wet grass in spring, the laughter of children at play. The app, a spectacle of longing, looks deep into my eyes. Only one answer will unstick the moment. “Yes,” I say, and I almost mean it.

babe wake up the new "destroy the village to save it" just dropped

You cannot support Donald Trump and be a good person at the same time.

just got back from sushi and some asshole at the next table kept trying to order a cheeseburger

Watching All the President's Men feels like watching porn about when major outlet journalists were still allowed to have integrity and presidents feared consequences from wrongdoing

lol

Elon finally found an immigrant who committed fraud!!!

is someone leaning on the Turmoil button

anytime you say mfw i think it’s motherfucker when

A thing that’s fun to think about is that when it happens it will be a GLOBAL celebration. Like there will be video from around the world of people dancing and laughing and singing

Tough decade for me because i still want to know things, except no i do not

thank you mister president 🫡

Caturday with my girl

My sons, Aryann and Grokulus, love to visit local establishments and shoot at the feet of service employees, causing them to "dance." Do you like this. Is this relatable

It is quite telling that since the horrific story of Cesar Chavez re: sexual abuse broke earlier this week and calls to change the names of schools and other public spaces named in his honor, not one conservative voice has stepped forward to object that this would be tantamount to erasing history.