happy birthday to my best friend in the world, Holtzmann! 🎉❤️

Meanwhile...

I say "prolly" and "probly" way more than I say "probably."

Its only rape if it comes from the rape region of France and it also doesn't count unless she's so badly injured she almost died. Anything less than that and she should be paying him for damages to his reputation

No one cares about apathy anymore

Happy Ringo's Birthday to all who celebrate Peace and Love ☮️✌️❤️

I honestly cannot articulate how angry this makes me

Why would my own brain ruin my mood, like who's side are you on?

bug bite on my ankle someone please put me down

Taking part in some mutual masturbation, in that I assume somebody else out there is masturbating right now, too.

is my phone hot from the battery or my clammy hands: a memoir

A significant other who will hang me from my ankles and drain my blood doesn't appear to be forthcoming on tinder, strangely.

Oh hell yeah let’s go imma start working on my routine. Guys I’m the best synchronized figure skater in the world you don’t even know

You don't buy "glasses that invade other people's privacy," you only rent them! 😄

there should be a middle emphasis between period and exclamation point. cuz . may be too weak and ! may be too strong

I love when people think I'm AI. Sir there's no intelligence here, artificial or otherwise.

“I need to know when you’re asking for advice” That’s easy I’m never asking for your advice.

Don't let people tell you that you can't give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

when i was young they had these people called “investigative journalists” who could find out stuff like if a senator was dead or not

In fascist regimes breaking news is suppressed because the media is complicit.

Every summer I become the kind of person who screams “IT’S SO BIG!”over a zucchini.

USA is losing has so many meanings.

Someday U.S. fans will be able to expect the men's team to win games like this. Of course I think I first said this during the '94 World Cup.

Here is Sigourney Weaver for no reason

*yakity-sax intensifies*

is mitch dead? someone say mitch is dead

This strained piriformis muscle is a real pain in my ass

well well well

Chicka cherry cola sounds refreshing.

maybe ill learn to lasso

"Blue no matter who" has got to just go away. Try, "Red or Blue, fuck you too"

Get well Senator McConnell (until you pay back your casino marker).

I confess! It was me who robbed the clown of his shoes

I confess! It was me who robbed the Keebler Elves

not many know this but it’s actually spelled canuhda

they should invent a recliner that catapults you into bed when you fall asleep

people who are genuinely happy throw me off my game

Every day is a good day for Taco Bell

Witch is to wicked as ditch is to...dicked? Is that the name of this musical? 🏆👑 Congratulations @sixfeetofcandy.bsky.social from @potshopboy.bsky.social

The US desperately wants to take over Cuba to ensure all of their citizens lose their state-provided healthcare. I mean, priorities.

If he was truly found in full cardiac arrest, down for an unknown amount of time prior to discovery, plus any length of resuscitation efforts, plus his age and ill health- then his brain is a rancid blob of jello. Even nominal recovery is a high bar for someone his age

These fucking people.

“there’s no place like home” i say, while crawling into a ditch

posting like i've lost the favor of a loving god

Clowns don't scare me, but politicians do.

After 40, forget about having functioning knees.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Life is too short to reserve judgement, so go ahead and judge their arse.