Putting the worst people in charge of the most important stuff is somehow not working out well 🤷‍♂️

My boss asked me to run a meeting today. I happily agreed, then I called in sick. So who’s really in charge here?

Guy on this work call said “Just put it in the bottom” and I snickered

him: let's buy Taco Bell and rename it Colon Blow me: him: and a taco salad... me: him: that's right, a Colon Bowl (inspired by @wilboo72.bsky.social )

him: it's been a long week me: it's Tuesday morning him: I said what I said

Today’s band name: PuppyFace or Pay Attention to MEEEE!

I missed the Met Gala yesterday? Damn…that makes 52 years in a row.

HR Manager: I know it’s Cinco de Mayo, but you can’t keep that donkey wearing a sombrero in the office

On this day and everyday, cilantro still tastes like soap.

There's about 200 calories in a donut. If I eat 6 a day and nothing else, I'd "technically" still be on a diet.

I'm going to just start adding Imodium as an ingredient to everything I eat from now on.

Today’s band name: Ewok Army

Gee, should I watch the 28-point blowout basketball game or the sudden death overtime hockey game

No, I'm not relatable. It's part of my fucking charm.

Mimosas as endless as Legolas' quiver

People paying hundreds of dollars to cleanse their colon when $7 worth of Taco Bell does the exact same thing.

I don't like the person I see reflected in my resume.

5pm work calls when your day started at 7am are a total drag, man

Only electrocuted myself three times at work today, so it was a decent Monday

Bored. Need something to do at work …other than work.

Maybe the person you have a crush on is just waiting to be told they're someone's crush, I tell myself, as I once again don't tell my crush I have a crush on them.

Dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets or GTFO

Butthole skeets at 30,000 feet.. WE LIVE IN THE FUTURE ✈️

I'm donating my brain to science just to see if we can keep this shit from happening again.

Might as well just shut this place down on Sundays. Save on electricity.

Today’s band name: The Little Jumpers or Happy Futures!

Things to turn over halfway through: - chicken nuggets - tater tots - your mom

Happy Sunday, sinners 💙

If she tells you she’s crazy, take her word for it bro

I love being spontaneous As long as I have about 3 hours to prepare

The town where I live finally has a Jersey Mike's, so maybe now everyone else will take us seriously.

My ex is a really bad cook If you don’t believe me have a slice of her gravy

I know exactly how Sydney Sweeney feels because my huge tits used to spark online controversy too.

I’ve seen better bananas.

If you repost someone it means you want to marry them.

Love makes you do stupid things . . . like forgive people.

My dad turns 80 this year and my oldest son turns 30. Its getting harder and harder to pretend I am in my 40s.

Gnite BSky 😴

me: *shredding cheese* 🎶 cheese, cheese, the magical food, the more you eat the more you poop, the more you poop the better you feel, so let's have cheese for every meal 🎶 24: why are you like this? me: my responsibility to embarrass you didn't end when you gained your majority

Is ‘asscrack’ one word…or should I spread them apart?

I just unmuted you Don’t let me down

He asked me to wear something really really exspensive. (dabs gas on my wrists)

There's nothing scarier than that split second when you lose your balance in the shower and you automatically think... That's it! this how they will find me. Naked in the shower.

Kevin Spacey always loses at blackjack because he likes to hit on 16

I hope I stay horny forever.

More foods should have flavor crystals.

I bet the inventor of the centaur was just a Dad so he could say, “Check out this guy, he’s hung like a horse!”

The older I get, the harder I celebrate hitting my daily fibre intake goal.

Kentucky is to horses as your Mom is to ______

i went to look at floor samples for the kitchen, and walked into a store that instantly made me think it was 1979. It blew me away that the guy had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. But for the price quoted, he can smoke whatever the fuck he wants.