If they gave us a TV deal, this is 100% how we'd use it.

Now streaming.

instantly assumed this was a kaiju situation

me trying to get 8 hours of sleep in 3 hours

Today’s band name: The Happiest Little Guinea Pigs

people love to cancan but never bother to ask themselves if they shouldshould

“i’m still punk” i whisper to myself as i turn down the music in my car so i can see better

My new year's resolution to stop making old people noises is NOT going well.

Ok, next person that releases a nip slip that goes viral (1 millions views in a day) gets to be President.

im mad at past me who didn’t pick up ice cream at the store because “you don’t need to eat ice cream” and now im, the fuck i dont

The Jorts Strike Back

The Jorts of Madison County

So do the Olympic athletes just work at Spirit Halloween for the next 4 years

Today’s band name: The Insufficient Apologies (Louder and louder and they keep going and going…)

Mama Mia Deep breaths. Teenagers Are designed to try patience Hashem be a fence #haiku

A coffee shop/family law office called Grounds for Divorce.

Share a TV show that raised you.

Share a TV show that raised you.

Doctor: do you exercise? Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks Doctor: Me: cronchies Doctor: I'm gonna put no Me: ok

Everyone...

I wonder if the guys sitting next to me drinking Michelob Ultra know this bar serves beer.

Reply guy? More like reply influencer.

“Tomorrow is promised to no man” Good, cuz I sure as sh!t don’t feel like going to work in the morning.

I hope you like a girl with thick sighs

There are a surprising number of educated adults who would not be able to handle their ice cream scoop falling off the cone.

Today’s band name: Limes at their own Funeral or Sunshine Twinkling at the Apocalypse

"Are you batman?" is how I start most conversations.

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

Star Wars Church 🤝 Pews

Happy 40th Zelda

Not only do the wheels of justice move exceedingly slow but it’s also very difficult to find replacement tires.

old man merlin has gone to bed. good night old man merlin

when i say it's time to bring the heat i mean lie on a heating pad

I've finished laundry and have been rewarded with more laundry. This is some Sisyphean bullshit.

My weekend starts now! *takes off pants and pours a bourbon* Huzzah!

Today’s band name: Giggling in Dispair

Paid $400 to rent a limo but that doesn’t include a driver. So I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

I’ve always wanted to job where I could nap during work hours. What I’m saying is I’ll be running for President in the next general election.

the genx urge to dance if you want to.

the genX urge to give it away, give it away, give it away now

I'm the realist motherfucker in this ball pit.

IKEA is just LEGO with consequences

oh no i tripped and fell into my recliner instead of doing my chores

Predictive analytics should have told you I was gonna skeet about your mom’s sweater bunnies

I showed my bluesky account to my psychiatrist and she said I could pick whatever medication I want

The day both Mexico and Ireland declared war on Boston.

As I’m stuck in snow, it’s easy for me to reflect on a hike during spring… #photography #hike #hiking #spring #trees #woods #forests #sky #clouds

If turtles can breathe out of their butts, do they get assthma?