I feel you, semicolon. I don't get used properly either

before i die i would like to see riverdance choreographed to dragula by rob zombie

Convinced reality is rage bait and you cannot convince otherwise at this pt.

the ever-increasing energy crisis, brought to you by the never-ending pursuit of humanlike fuck robots

The cats and I both have the zoomies right now.

ask not for whom the taco bells it bells for thee

take my like, please

every seat in a movie theater should have an "I have to pee" button and if enough people press it they should be able to pause the movie

I think if you post bad you should have to wear a scarlet P around on you in real life

I’m sorry, this is elegiac bluesky. You’re looking for clappin' cheeks bluesky. That’s just down the hall, 2nd door on your right

The first person to say okie doke must've felt like a god.

I love you just the way you are, if you make these few changes.

never underestimate the seductive power of a plate of loaded nachos

drafts: yesterday’s posts, today

down here we call mids tens.

my sighs are up here

Anyone else watch the news just to learn what new words to mute on here?

this is not the semi charmed life i was raised to expect

my milkshake brought all the ants to the porch

My check engine light has been on since 1992

Building time into my schedule for lollygagging

I haven’t read the news today but I did note that Luke’s Liquors was poppin at 11:15 on a Tuesday morning

Dabbing a little A1 behind my ear in hope that the darkness will consume me

“my hair looks so good tonight” i say, combing my pubes

You ever listen to Rico Suave while manscaping bro?

Self loathing as an art form.

I just want everyone to know that you don't need drugs to vomit and scream at the same time.

Fall in love with me you coward

wife: why can’t you be more spontaneous? me: but I bought you flowers for no reason only last week wife: yes but I was thinking more along the lines of just bursting into flames…

I like to watch horror flicks with my cats so they know how safe and lucky they are to live with me

The internet is basically people liking things and other people saying those things suck.

Shout out to people who are still able to get horny given the current state of the world.

chicken nuggets are just ranch mops

My entire body hurts. Someone come gently submerge me in a tub of hot noodles.

I was really hoping existence would be over by now.

My least favorite backs 1. Nickel 2. Circle 3. Clap 4. Hump 5. Take

“Your skin is glowing!” Thanks, it’s anxiety sweat.

skynet would make a lovely name for a baby roomba

They had to do multiple takes of the cocaine scenes in "Scarface" because Pacino kept blowing his lines.

Gonna end all my sexts with guns emojis

In another life? I have to do this shit again?

the annoying little jokes will continue until morale improves, and then keep going after that too

I threw my tender heart in a blender for the new year. It seemed appropriate.

I remember 2025 like it was just a few days ago

Damn, boy. Are you a pineapple? Because you’re kind of a prick on the outside but really sweet on the inside

I post my skeet then raise my arm so you all get it faster.

The worst thing a species can be is delicious.

Salad is not for sad days. Melting the cheese that is already in your mouth with a kitchen torch is.

I know with the new year a lot of folks are at the gym doing squats. I just want ya’ll to know I’m at home doing my favorite kind of squat (diddley)

Fool me once, congratulations, you just fooled a guy whose IQ is 12.