Should I hold on or let go, I never know what to do with my hands.

Building a wall between me and the world out of edibles.

The secret to surviving 2026? Ketamine. Lots and lots of ketamine.

you can have my posting phone when you pry it from my sticky little hands

people are always like “just post good and you’ll get likes and reposts” and i’m just like “no”

Channeling anguish into purpose.

I always use the yellow-skinned emojis, because I identify as a Simpsons character.

I’m not clingy. I’m just a weighted blanket of abandonment issues.

Shout out Hulk Hogan being dead

you keep saying it is the end of days will not make it so, you have to do your part

before i die i would like to see riverdance choreographed to dragula by rob zombie

Convinced reality is rage bait and you cannot convince otherwise at this pt.

the ever-increasing energy crisis, brought to you by the never-ending pursuit of humanlike fuck robots

The cats and I both have the zoomies right now.

ask not for whom the taco bells it bells for thee

take my like, please

every seat in a movie theater should have an "I have to pee" button and if enough people press it they should be able to pause the movie

I think if you post bad you should have to wear a scarlet P around on you in real life

I’m sorry, this is elegiac bluesky. You’re looking for clappin' cheeks bluesky. That’s just down the hall, 2nd door on your right

The first person to say okie doke must've felt like a god.

I love you just the way you are, if you make these few changes.

never underestimate the seductive power of a plate of loaded nachos

drafts: yesterday’s posts, today

down here we call mids tens.

my sighs are up here

Anyone else watch the news just to learn what new words to mute on here?

this is not the semi charmed life i was raised to expect

my milkshake brought all the ants to the porch

My check engine light has been on since 1992

Building time into my schedule for lollygagging

I haven’t read the news today but I did note that Luke’s Liquors was poppin at 11:15 on a Tuesday morning

Dabbing a little A1 behind my ear in hope that the darkness will consume me

“my hair looks so good tonight” i say, combing my pubes

You ever listen to Rico Suave while manscaping bro?

Self loathing as an art form.

I just want everyone to know that you don't need drugs to vomit and scream at the same time.

Fall in love with me you coward

wife: why can’t you be more spontaneous? me: but I bought you flowers for no reason only last week wife: yes but I was thinking more along the lines of just bursting into flames…

I like to watch horror flicks with my cats so they know how safe and lucky they are to live with me

The internet is basically people liking things and other people saying those things suck.

Shout out to people who are still able to get horny given the current state of the world.

chicken nuggets are just ranch mops

My entire body hurts. Someone come gently submerge me in a tub of hot noodles.

I was really hoping existence would be over by now.

My least favorite backs 1. Nickel 2. Circle 3. Clap 4. Hump 5. Take

“Your skin is glowing!” Thanks, it’s anxiety sweat.

skynet would make a lovely name for a baby roomba

They had to do multiple takes of the cocaine scenes in "Scarface" because Pacino kept blowing his lines.

Gonna end all my sexts with guns emojis

In another life? I have to do this shit again?