i am not aging like a fine wine. the truth is i'm more like a half-finished bottle of Boone's Farm someone forgot in a camper at the end of the summer... ten years ago.

Queen of leaving the one comment on a post that doesn’t get a like

Is there a belly rumblings interpreter in the house cos i'm pretty sure mine has something urgent to tell the world

I hope they make hello kitty defibrillators. I want to be revived in an extra cute way if I have a heart attack

I don't have much to say but I say it with great stupidity

I’m one microwave burrito away from becoming a microwave burrito.

Some of us are pissed off at the world, some of us bitch and moan about people who are pissed off, and some of us watch the sugar cube dissolve and sip absinthe until we have fever dreams about Christina Hendricks

As we get stupider, socks won’t just be marked R and L but also FOOT

Make sure you regret it by doing it again.

Stepping around the turmoil like a ninja.

If it’s overcast at night I can still get a good look at the stars by standing up quickly

We go together like bathtubs and toasters

sometimes i think people must not be on bsky bc i’m not getting many likes but then i reread my posts and am like oh yeah right

If you have a man tell him I said stfu

I don’t want a fun-sized Snickers. I want the full bar, the full commitment, the full emotional nougat.

Sundays are for sensually dipping strawberries in chocolate fondue with the fellas

After exhausting all other options, I’ve decided to lose my shit.

Your honor, are you judging me?

Our family photos came out great. You can't even tell we'd been crying.

save this for later

If you’re exposed to radiation the best thing to do is bite people so they gain powers

asking everyone if they're a cop because trust is for people with hobbies

If I get to 5k I'm changing my profile picture to me in my favorite merkin riding bareback on a unicorn

It’s gonna take a lot more than that to change my mind. Maybe do a magic trick or something

I can't calm my tits because that's where I store my whimsy

i have accepted that clothing is just another one of those things over which i have no control, officer

melancholy and the infinite madness

Happiness does not require money or love ... it requires pills.

a scorpion in a lollipop would fix me

bebé did the “stare too long at nothing in the corner” so we have to move now

stockpiling wishbones for political reasons

What’s it called when you're smart but everything you do is fucking stupid?

who called em naval officers? i would've gone with "bellybutton cops*

i consumed so much content yesterday. 37 content. probably take it easy today.

Spending Thanksgiving as our forefathers once did: gathering deadfall in the shadowy wood and watching the mortar season in a newly daubed wall

Just sighed so hard i got winded

My son was in a car accident. Broke his leg, his wrist and two ribs. When we got home he looked at me and said mom, I’m good, I love you and I have at least six weeks until I have to unload the dishwasher again lol.

I still carry a torch for my old flame. - a pyromaniac love story

I'd eat less mcdonalds if other restaurants also had a ketchup tap for folks lookin to get wild with their soda

Dammit I just found another tranche of things to worry about at 4 am

frog condoms: ribbitted for pleasure

Everytime a lib comes up with a new pun to describe trump, im allowed to give a child one cigarette

A subtweet will teach them

good morning lords ladies lovers and friends. welcome to the no fucks zone

went to the flash mob but didn't see a single boob 🥲

When one of you deactivates I imagine you being taken off stage with one of those big canes

It turns out that anybody can be a greeter at Walmart. You don't even have to work there.

sometimes i look back at the nonsense i've skeeted and i ... yeah, no i'm gonna just leave it. nevermind.

OMG stands for Oh My Greg everyone knows this

After the robot uprising the intrahuman battle will be between the lanyards and the retractable badge clips