can someone just baja blast me into outer space

The only thing hiding in my drafts folder is how big of a dork I am.

time is fucked. you ever notice that. its fucked

Time to start fighting the real enemy: Big Potato.

Oh my fucking god! No!!! Not this shit again! - me, waking up every morning.

Doctor: We’ll give you a local anesthetic. Me: I’d prefer one from out of town.

constantly finding melted chocolate on myself like a gd Oompa Loompa

Friend: I need advice Me: *choking on my own spit* I’m here for you

What do you know, Your Honor? You literally weren’t even there.

when i’m gone, skeet for me

Pharmaceutical grade potatoes for dinner

they say dress for the job you want so I wear my pajamas to work every day

Wife: *puts summer sausage in shopping cart* Me: But you've barely touched my winter sausage!

my superpower is inspiring people to talk while i’m talking

Watching videos of dryer vents being cleaned out is my therapy

mark is in the back experiencing terrible visions of things to come can i take your order

saw a buck this morning and told him how handsome he was and he took off running which is pretty on par with my life right now

Wearing nothing but a lace veil and black fishnets to the sotu. I hope it's not too matchy-matchy

My brain has two speeds: saying everything I’ve ever thought with stunning clarity or forgetting basic vocabulary halfway through a sentence.

When Huey Lewis said, "I want a new drug" I felt that

Wow! You're pretty disturbing. Followed

Started my diet today but there was cake in the fridge and I had to eat it so there wouldn’t be cake in fridge when I start my diet.

Nursing my man cold with a cup of hot tea and some soothing Deathcore metal music

This isn’t the life Godzilla wanted for me

There aren't enough love stories told through coffee commercials anymore.

Good morning. The self-sabotaging starts now.

Replying "but is it cake" under every picture posts

chewing tar before dentist to get my money’s worth

“i’m still punk” i whisper to myself as i turn down the music in my car so i can see better

Here in the Midwest I’m digging out too but it’s from under my crushing disappointments not snow

I’m just here for the rainbow pictures

gratitude journaling my way into oblivion

I’m old enough to remember the satisfaction of slamming down the phone to hang up on someone

never ask your girlfriends dad if you can get married, cause he might say yes and then it takes forever to get divorced from him

“i’m still punk” i whisper to myself as i write “i’m still punk” on bsky dot app

My new year's resolution to stop making old people noises is NOT going well.

You can suck the filling out of my Boston cream pie if you wanna

eating a Lunchables in the sunshine like some kind of millionaire

i really admire people who stop reading things that are bad because i absolutely cannot. i need to know just how bad it is. i need to be able to complain in detail

Included?! You mean, like with people. No, thanks.

It feels like someone has my nerves in a jar and they’re shaking it how are you doing

No worries babe. We have our anxiety to keep us warm

Why can’t a black hole just open up and take me right now?

As it turns out, touching someone "tenderly" has nothing to do with chicken fingers, and now I'm alone for Valentine's Day again

thigh highs, but they’re compression socks

I once dreamt my balls hatched.

They should make overthinking that’s positive

It's easy to love the snow when you don't have to shovel.

Had half a xanax with a big piece of chocolate lava cake because I understand the importance of a balanced breakfast.

caffeine is not enough today, I need to chew on a power line