Why can’t a black hole just open up and take me right now?

shitposters are fartists

the whole idea of saints marching in is so impressive because saints are so individualistic and buck the status quo... you get all them saints marching lock-step together I feel sorry for whoever they are marching against

The measure of love isn’t always whether we can keep someone alive, sometimes it’s whether we can make sure they aren’t alone and don’t suffer.

Were the consequences even worthy of there being an action. We asked several unintended nicknames and "blockbuster cards magic trick that no eye can return" had this to say

Any hot queer girls want to start some social media where we renovate an old craftsman home in like Oregon or Washington?

Strength isn't always loud

Thanks for the invite, but I already have plans to set myself on fire.

Is it bad that when I hear a celebrity has died, I’m a little jealous

[checking my watch] Well would you look at that, I still want to die

Pain fades eventually , but boy is it annoying until it does. 💪🫶

i used to feel embarrassed being the “crazy lady” people brought orphaned and injured animals to now i feel honored turns out being known as a safe place, a healer, is a pretty beautiful reputation

let’s play office. you can be the scissors and i will also be the scissors

If you’re ghosting, kindly complete the exit survey within 24 hours and refrain from future contact.

This wild energy feels like I’m going to be a problem today. Probably just for myself, though, tbh

I Smell Cat Pee Somewhere - a memoir

Grown ass (white) men being upset that the world no longer revolves around them will never stop being funny to me.

Paying my therapist extra if she can guess my darkest thoughts in a rousing game of charades

accidentally started measuring my self worth in “left on delivered” minutes feels healthy

A work of fiction on your sleeve. An open heart, a brave face, a quiet confidence. A nonfiction sleeve comes along and is real in a better, one sleeved shirt. "The cut off of my own jib! Come back I liked you"

Trying not to feel business trip about you I say right on time to falling in love. Didn't you hear me earlier, I used ooh la la in my request for more wake up calls and fewer do not disturb signs

electronic music should sound like it's trying to harm you

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again.

What's the rule for finding a lucky rule in the street, find a rule and pick it up and a superstition with structure might be okay since free superstition is just bossy jazz

Missed carousel boarding: you were the dolphin with a saddle, I didn't even know they made those. And I just choked from opposable thumb awe in my blowhole

I think I'd prefer being punched in the gut for real instead of emotionally

If I knew anything about water coolers do you really think I'd be hanging around the bird bath asking how to splash for myself when they talk dirty about me at work

Taking pills during a zoom call without breaking eye contact, nodding the whole time

realizing this space isn’t serving me right now i’m a little too soft for it all logging off for a bit

in woke 2 we're putting woke in everything. we're renaming it wokelahoma. we're eating fried wokera. we're having a shoot out at the woke-k corral

*Groundhog Day pitch meeting* You know how some rodents are clairvoyant?

Will practice random acts of weirdness.

i wake up in the morning and i stay inside

🙏❤️

Complete serenity 🏝️🩵

I think I might watch Heated Rivalry, but I'm afraid that all the hockey content will make me uncomfortable

Am I a narcissist? Yes. But am I really really good at it? Also yes.

whatever you do don’t ask their age

No worries, I always say, but secretly I do be worrying still.

The heck with soul mates. Do you believe somewhere out there a person has the lid that fits your Tupperware?

I'm not sure why some people become so mean when they drink alcohol. When I get drunk all I want to do is get naked & eat tacos.

I like to put my phone down on an armchair the same colour as its case, so I can’t see it.

what the hell is a pompatus of love

take some vitamin D you sun deficient piece of shit

the masculine urge to blow my nose in the shower

saying "and also with you" when they say "may the force be with you" like some kind of relapsed catholic

describe your ass using only four photos of your ass 🍑

Karma’s a bitch, but she wore black nail polish and Doc Marten’s in high school so you know I had a crush on her.

Nobody's "good" and nobody's "having a nice day" Bunch of fucking liars