Blame it on the a a a a a ambien

I want to have another cookie so I’m going to have another cookie because cookies don’t define me. My body does not dictate whether I am lovable or wanted; kind, smart, helpful, or funny and I think I’m all the shit and I can have another cookie if I want to. So can you!

I Pooped My Pants In Ulta - A Memoir

Finding videos on THEIR preferred platform is real love.

Waited a year to get in to a rheumatologist and he doesn’t believe my diagnosed conditions and dismissively asked me if I even know what those things are. But he did agree to do X-rays and bloodwork anyway and see what he concludes. So like one of my top visits ever really

I wish I could get a pet crow lmao

That feeling when: You’re recording nothing but vodka shots in the dinner section of your calorie tracking app.

The most deliberately cruel of geometric shapes is the vicious circle.

My soul is a hidden track on an album that no one bought.

they're going to put enrichment in my enclosure tomorrow, i can feel it. any day now

With this lasagna, I bread thee

Damn, I'm Tired.... A sequel to Damn, I Can't Sleep.

We didn’t have texting back then so my mom just called me a slut and told me to kms to my face.

Purveyor of side quests, completer of none

If there’s anything you want to watch or read without spoilers, do not even open up your phone and tell you finished it.

you bet your ass i bet my ancient tome of deathly curses we are not the same

Sometimes I’m just in a weird mood and idk what to do to feel better. Like, should I shave my head, get rid of all my belongings, cut off everyone I know, or maybe just take a nap?!

when women gather together and laugh until we cry, we are casting magic and healing trauma.

is it the depression that makes me feel like no one wants me in their life? or does no one actually want me around? better to keep to myself to be sure.

no i don’t want to “hang out” i only want to be perceived two sentences at a time by strangers on the internet

[redacted]

did you know that you can just shit your pants and no one can stop you? break free from your chains. be ungovernable

Me: buying cat food for 7 cats.. Cashier: how many cats do you have?! Me: just let me pay and go please. I cannot speak of how many cats.

Fine by me if I’m the villain in your story. You’ll always be Poopy McStinkass in mine.

Slept in a Bleachers shirt, woke up in the in-between, honey.

It's not that I can see things that aren't even there, it's that I picture force field webs between connections and I never disturb them that's how I tiptoe through the tulips for a tiny time leading ukulele spirits from a dead serious jazz bass

Everybody is out there celebrating street cred with their cool indie soundtrack and I'm over here like hey check out some of these hi-fi beats I added to commercials with slick oscar winning spokespersons

I don’t get high in the garage near as often since I divorced my dealer and really that’s my only regret.

I love looking back on old posts and thinking JFC what was I on?!

Baby, this is what you came for. Lightning strikes every time she moves. And everybody's watching her. But she's looking at cats.

I do hope things mean things but I'm also okay with the idea of a random noise that just talks to me for a lifetime

Is it bad luck to walk away and leave an unfinished countdown on the microwave because getting heated up keeps barely missing me and I'm worried this is a final electromagnetic radiation situation

at any given time I have almost no idea what’s going on

me: ok time to do the thing adhd: we’re gonna do anything but the thing me: seriously we have to do the thing adhd: holy shit but look at that thing me: oh shit you’re right look at at it, and what about that thing…

communing with what’s left of my comfort zone

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

*clogs your inbox with erotic ghost & mrs muir fan fiction*

I keep losing track of who's on to me.

please, my bangers, they are so viral

My super power is to be annoyingly cheerful out of spite.

Sometimes I feel as if we’re all Schrodinger's cat.

Neither wit nor wisdom but a secret third thing.

It's not the secret itself but the keeping it that follows you home. Oh no it's nothing like that, I named it "the secret" because I never told anyone I've always wanted a gossip hound to feed me every day

You should’ve seen me 3 rock bottoms ago.

Indiana Jones and the Fucking Audacity of 2025.

Give it enough time and we won’t even remember why I set your car on fire, silly

On track to go off the rails at any time now

Drive off a cliff together and chill?

Homeschooling is working out pretty well for us.