I got 99 problems, but I’m about to find one more… because uneven numbers give me anxiety

Compliments are tricky. It's best to make them sound safe like warnings. Can I just tell you though, love what you've done to your graveyard at night it makes me want to keep out, get my shadows highlighted

can i come over and be good to you (selfish)

*sext I wanna lick gravy off of you.

This is what we used to watch when there wasn't anything on TV en.wikipedia.org/wiki/After_D...

some are dreamboats i’m more a shipwreck

once. again. she's not a bog witch. she's a sea witch that got accidentally trapped in a bog. and yes, actually, we are in love.

Not now, dishwasher making threatening noises

I know I use the cat on my lap excuse a lot but it’s just that I have a cat on my lap a lot

They should make a CBD topical cream strong enough that my body falls off

Do not go gently chasing waterfalls, Old age should stick to the rivers and the lakes; Rage, rage. Have it your way or nothing at all.

a lady doesn’t kiss and tell but im just a gal so ya we boned

My meal prep is cutting open the ramen package before the water is actually boiling.

Things I Enjoy: • Bullet Points • Making Lists With Bullet Points • Power Ballads

Sprinkling shredded cheese like I’m tinkerbell over here.

*me doing anything* before 2020 Hope I’m doing this right *me doing anything* after 2025 Pfft

You don’t have to like me. Nor do you have to respect me. You don’t even have to tolerate me. Where was I going with this?

As a dork, I tend to replay things I've said in my head over and over again

Next month, I’ll be a Midwest girlie saying “ope” unironically and living in a beautiful house that is well over 100 years old. I couldn’t be happier 💖

I’m beside myself and we’re both in shock

can I keep you?

I want one of those tortilla blankets to be my burial shroud

I'm pretty fed up with beans not being magic

Sorry I twerked at your dinner party.

And sometimes, their soul just pulls at yours.

Can’t rn, googling the life span of crows

all of my microplastics are naturally sourced* 💅🏼 *found in the air, water, and food

I’m a gd mess To think otherwise is on you

I came, I saw, I reskeeted alot..namaste.

If you’re so tired of my bullshit then why’d you let me serve you a second helping?

Never be ashamed to be your authentic self on the internet. Except you, you know why.

Yeah hi doc, what can you give me for restless leg syndrome but in my brain?

*on a FaceTime* Apple: Connection unstable Me: awww just like us

Got banned from subway for moaning like a pornstar when the sandwich artist peeled the deli paper off the presliced cheese

bumbling is just butt jewelry

fucking weird > weird at fucking

You’re all fucking weird (affectionately).

Think I’d be great at soccer. I regularly go 90 mins without accomplishing one goal

When the soul collects sunsets beneath the skin, it’s the heart that shines….

the next time the person you’re seeing tells you that you deserve better, believe them

Don't regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today. Disregard this if you are in prison.

[me to your thirst trap] I support that

My retirement plan is to befriend a secretly wealthy hobo who leaves me his fortune.

We gotta be living in some timeline’s blooper reel.

My talent is taking a normal pleasant conversation and making it awkward

Remember to get some fresh air for your stupid mental health. Also a stiff drink for your anxiety.

Before this summer is over I need to spend a night by a campfire and sleep under the stars.

the cicadas are singing about death and fucking, fucking and death

“I’m sorry I made things weird,” I say as I set down my marionette rotisserie chicken.

As above (the clit) So below (the g spot)