full of pasta and ready to fuck

I like my men like I like my coffee: so hot you really need to take it slowly to enjoy it properly.

Sorry about the revenge body (the body I hid in your home that you will never find but will definitely smell).

My last two brain cells started fucking but they're related so I'm kinda nervous

Pepperidge Farm Remembers What You Did Last Summer

I feel like smoking weed gives my emotions a whore's bath

Them: you should let it go Me: bitch I’m not Elsa and this isn’t Frozen

with great tits comes great responsibility

if i had an arch nemesis id sneak into their home every time they were using a crockpot and turn it off

Impending doom? When I am so full of cheese and lust?

Sometimes you gotta give the shower curtain a solid right hook before you enter, just to be sure

I’ve never scanned a QR code and I’m not about to start now

You can’t spell better without beer and tt’s lol that’s the one send it

I'm 90% cake, 10% baked and 100% nuts

a charcuterie board of various grievances

Every problem I need to solve comes down to a fox, a chicken, and a bag of feed but my rowboat got a big hole in it

manual labor? you mean hand jobs

i hope you like whatever is wrong with me

Breakfast in bed is considered romantic and sweet but me eating mashed potatoes in bed at 6pm is somehow concerning

list 3 things you think you're known for and your followers will tell you if you're right or wrong. 1. excessive NGL posting 2. chronic lovesickness 3. weird/amusing injuries

my biggest accomplishments this past month are that i’ve gotten my panic episodes under ten minutes and i can say no to chocolate novelty dicks

Like Water for Chocolate for No Country for Old Men

Sorry for liking everything you reposted recently. I didn’t realize I was just trawling your page.

the best part about caramel apple dip is eating it sans apples

I’m 90% chaos, 10% caffeine, and 100% a problem in general

*has a thought* Me: I just posted a skeet 4 minutes ago. I should probably wait

the Leonid meteor shower peaks tonight, remember to look up and make a wish ✨

I’m not sure I’ve ever made a bigger mess with food than I have with this everything seasoned sandwich. Poppy seeds just everywhere. A gothic glitter bombing

I have been entirely too happy recently. Seems awfully sus…

Last night’s attempt at attention whoring failed, so I’m out here on the corner early today

*throws glitter molotov cocktails in your direction

I’m not everybody’s cup of tea. Just kidding. I am (and don’t tell me otherwise thanks.)

If you see this & wanna, go ahead and quote skeet & do it too Pronouns: she/her Height: 5’2” Shoe: 8 (was 6 before pregnancies wtf) Zodiac: Pisces Smoke: no Tattoos: 2 little ones Piercings: had 10, all healed closed Fav drink: coffee

Don't ask me how I slept unless you want the hourly play-by-play

Our hero then gingerly lowered his ass onto the ground, unbeknownstingly that this spot had been pissed upon by several dinosaurs

stop throwin all these banana peels at me while i'm on my journey, bro

I’m never NOT on my bullshit.

i don’t really like swiss cheese, there i said it

I cook, he cleans I cum, he cleans Zero notes

It’s almost like you all don’t even care that I’m having the best sex of my life. Harumph

the dream rises to the top

word on the street is they’re looking to defund the itty bitty titty committee next

I’ve never thrown my head back while taking a couple of pills. Everything in film is a lie.

Feeling fancy today gonna put a do in front of every fuck off

I want to get hospitalized for exhaustion like a celebrity.

Morning. *pours coffee* There will be a nap today.

wandering with whimsy through a kmart parking lot

if you're cold they're cold. let the cold hot singles in your area in.

did y’all hear about that new flick featuring a cast of amphibians? ribbiting content