I don’t know how to play it cool. I simply can’t stop being obnoxious

Good morning to fans of teams who silenced the haters yesterday only

This game is gonna give me gray hair

Bama, have you thought of getting your kicker short shorts?

Whoever gave me this cold is getting cursed by an etsy witch

After exhausting all other options, I’ve decided to lose my shit.

Register: we’re gonna text your receipt to the number on file Me: k Me: who’s texting me? Every single time

fuck you friday :)

I’m left entirely to my own devices for most of the day today and someone really should have thought this through

I’m getting a bonus Halloween tomorrow after the game. My kids’ little cousin has been in the hospital for both his birthday and Halloween and he’s out now so we’re doing a trunk or treat just for him

Coworker just walked in and handed me a breakfast burrito. Happy Friday to you too

A series of unfortunate annoyances

It’s always “I wanna post a banger” and never “I wanna bang a poster”.

Whose turn was it to keep me from making mistakes

If you’re cold, I’m cold. Bring me a side of mashed potatoes and gravy

My boss left me in charge for the afternoon, everyone go home

Pretty sure they’re lying to us about sleep. Got 8 hours last night and feel no different than my usual 5-6

getting bit by a radioactive vixen could fox me

It’s dumb that I had Monday off and it still feels like this should be Friday

A subtweet will teach them

Hump day? More like when will this week be over day

... and be generous with the lollipops - me holding up a bank

I made a lil scarf for the mailbox spider

The levels of fomo I’m having over the northern lights right now are insane

“She said I gave her all nickels but I gave her $4.90 in nickels and a dime, will you tell her she’s wrong” Can’t really argue with your logic there, kid

Big fan of nice people and soft things. And soft people. Nice things are less important

Eating a sundae with a long spoon is the height of decadence. The longer the spoon the more decadent it is. Ideally you shouldn't even be in the same room as the sundae

cracking open a tall boy who’s a cold one

This is the kind of support I need

I can do hard things. I think.

I’m hearing Chuck Schumer traded Luka

My kid is making bacon and cinnamon rolls. It doesn’t have to make sense

Is it really too much to ask to have breakfast just appear on its own on the weekends

The smiling will continue until your morale improves

You see, I’m playing Tetris while everyone else is playing chess *winks with both eyes*

All that was accomplished today was putting up the Christmas tree and that has to be enough

I don’t even spiral anymore. I just gently rotate like a flavorful rotisserie chicken

PUPPIES

The only thing that stands between you and your dreams are all the things you suck at

In case you’re wondering if your kids will stop giving you headaches when they grow up the answer is no

while i have your attention

can’t take anyone’s mom to kilogram town

My brain is stuck in waiting mode like I’m going somewhere but I’m not going anywhere

Me in glasses because we’re doing it again because annamolly is hot

I just chastised myself for being an adult and not knowing how to do adult things and then I remembered that most adults haven’t been through this and I should probably give myself a little grace

My son asked me if I could help him move something…I asked if it could wait a few minutes because there was a cat on my lap. I guess he’s gonna be waiting longer now

I mean if any of you are still clinging to a subscription I hope this is the final final straw.

Slept in til 6:45 this morning if you like people who are ready to take on the world

If you don’t know what Adam Sandler’s favorite kind of pants are you’re too young for me bro