As people comb the Epstein files for some crime they can get Trump on I’m thinking about how he was found with boxes of stolen top secret files in his possession and somehow that ended up being impossible to prosecute.

The world is very stressful. Get the expensive vibrator.

Whatever you do, don't bring up the marinara's divorce.

you down to be the falalalala to my lalalala?

Wu-Tang Christmas tree                    👐                   WU                   RZA                 METH               SHIMMY              C.R.E.A.M. GHOSTFACE          36 CHAMBERS      PROTECT YA NECK     FOR THE CHILDREN   DIVERSIFY YO BONDS                   ODB

A Mighty Ducks, Goofy Movie mashup called The Mighty Shucks

laughing at my jokes is the gateway drug to falling in love with me

may your presents not require assembly or batteries

Honey, I'm stopping off at the dispensary, what do you want for Christmas?

disney should go back to making movies about how it’s ok to steal from rich people

Interviewer: what are your future plans? Me: lunch Interviewer: I meant long term plans Me: what, like dinner?

Are you ok babe you’ve hardly touched your Santa meat

Jamiroquai when Jamiro vewwy sad

you can’t spell stress management without trees management *lights blunt*

I’m white but not "puts reindeer antlers on my car" white

you will be visited by 3 posts

Alien: Take me to your leader. Americans: OK, but if you’re here seeking asylum you are FUCKED.

I like to stuff my kids’ christmas stockings with miniature versions of the items they actually wanted

I used to have a chip on my shoulder until I found the right queso for me

I’ll devil your egg

There’s something to be said for having nothing to say.

cookie dough: 4 hours to chill me: 4 hours of proving i cannot

not gonna say cartoons are fully to blame but Bart Simpson definitely had me throwing hands as a child the moment someone laid a finger on my Butterfinger

there are two dogs, three adults, and five children in the house i live in now and somehow it is not a shoe

One more appointment at Nakatomi Plaza tomorrow morning and I’m on Christmas break!

after much consideration, I have decided to make back pain my entire identity going forward

You know those stories about how the magic of Christmas miraculously restores your faith in humanity? It isn't working.

greeting AND salutations? in the economy??

Whenever I successfully complete a thought my brain makes a "ping" noise and a gold coin falls out of my nose

Interviewer: How are your interpersonal skills? Me: Wait, does this job require dealing with people? The job posting didn’t say anything about dealing with people. Interviewer: … Me: I mean, they’re very strong.

That makes no fucking sense, reposted

You should have the option of creating a password or hitting your laptop like Fonzie in exactly the same way every time to log in.

Asking AI how AI is bad for the environment to see if it can feel shame

You're all getting crocheted toilet paper dolls for Christmas

PRIEST: do you have the ring ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

I think I've reached the point of aging where the air gives me heartburn

i closed all the other apps it's just you i, bsky

*takes long drag off cigarette what were we talking about?

No thanks, random coworker trying to trauma dump. No fucking thanks.

You're 42. Stop saying "baby mama."

cut my babka into pieces, this is my last dessert

I so love getting together with all of my adult children at the same time so they can try do outdo with stories of everything I did wrong.

I'll come to your party if there's no one else but me and it's also at my house.

eager to find out what fresh new horrors await us

adding ominous music to my posts

Morning.

Me: do you ever wonder if these Airbnb hosts have kitchen knives this dull at home Murderer, Currently Bruising Me to Death in My Vacation Rental: you probably have time to leave a review

I actually haven’t heard of elf on a shelf you presumptuous bitch

joke's on you, bullies—there's nowhere I'd rather be than inside my locker

When we set conditions for happiness, we set conditions for unhappiness.