you lost me at figgy but brought me right back with pudding

The five stages of grief but it’s just me realizing I have to leave my house

No one has skeletons in their closets anymore, everyone keeps them in their phones instead.

Was feeling spontaneous, so I made a list of things to do next Tuesday.

My phone just tried to correct “ay dios mio” to “ay dios moo” Holy cow.

Fear and Loathing in America

it’s too cold to get naked and take a shower i’ll just keep putting more outfits on to hide the smell

i always win at strip poker because i keep an ace tattooed up my sleeve

My New Year’s resolution is to believe people when they say they’re a piece of shit

All I asked Santa for this year was to get hit by a speeding garbage truck.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

For best results milk your man at least every 72 hours

it’s the inner Cheech in me that sees the inner Chong in you

Netflix: are you still watching? Me: you’d like that, wouldn’t you? you kinky fuck

Hard work may not kill me but it's not a risk I'm prepared to take.

Sorry I'm late, I asked J.R.R. Tolkien for details on how to get here

if social media has taught me anything... i’m unaware of it

If you ever need a shock to wake you up, hit the Discover tab by mistake

LITTLE LAMB: do you hear what i hear SHEPHERD BOY: holy shit a talking lamb

Her: Your profile said you were a special kind of dom. Me: Boredom.

nothing says "kick me” like wearing a sweater with bells on it

My posts are powered by my unchecked intrusive thoughts.

hello 911? I like a man and need to be put down

some of you never mixed up jason priestley and luke perry before and it shows

Now officially being irresponsible until next year.

put the gun down Charlie Brown

I have more followers than @cbsnews.com and I’m also not beholden to a fascist authoritarian. Please consider me your news source now.

I'm a little drummer man now, mom. How many times do I have to tell you

I like that mistletoe increases the odds of being kissed. More plants should offer temporary environmental status. Brawling under lingonberries. The soft yearning of a love that dare not speak its name beneath the nightshade.

Making a fruit salad for the BlueSky moderation team

draw me like one of your conclusions

I think humans are meant to lie in bed with the love of their life all winter.

I wanna be your candy cane so you can lick me into a sharp point and use me to stab people.

When things are looking bleak and everything feels hopeless, there’s one thing you can count on and that’s me to make it worse.

the electronic form for the doctors office asked me to choose colors to describe my mucus and the color of my mucus was not on the list i think i’m about to be famous

Welcome to 60 Minutes. Our top story tonight is Snakes: Nature’s Spaghetti

oh that’s just grandpa, don’t worry about him, he’s going through an emo phase

There should be forms of adult verification other than those associated with chronological age. For example, people should have to prove they know what a joke is before being allowed to reply.

What I like most about townhouse living is hearing my neighbor begging her dog to take a shit so they can go back inside

*smacks the fuck out of a fly* *watches the fly take it and just fly away* I need to go to the gym

It's cute how kids think band aids automatically take away all the pain and make everything better. That's alcohol’s job you little weirdos.

ABAB (All Billionaires Are Bastards)

I don't use marijuana recreationally I use it competitively

shitposts are like miniature Seinfeld episodes with a sometimes crossover into sunny in Philly

I’m still trick-or-treating. The people have run out of candy. One lady gave me the keys to her Buick. Another guy hit me with a broom

me, the moment it says “out for delivery”

you need to get out of the house…the shitsposts…they’re coming from inside your house

CBS paid the president of the United States millions in bribe money and now they censor news reports so it does not annoy him. I don’t know how much plainer we can put this.

that mf really wanted to know what was new with that pussycat

he’s a 10 but his parents abandoned him, pushing him towards the dark side, so really he’s Kylo Ren