If someone ever told me to shut up I’d be like: OMG, someone was listening?

[spelling bee] Your word is 'bananas' Gwen Stefani: *whispering to herself* c'mon Gwen, you know this

[naked and stuck like a helium balloon against the Home Depot ceiling during The Rapture]

i better not talk to her, she has her mean eyebrows drawn on today

if I've said it once, i've said it a thousand times, where the fuck is my vape

Breaking down in tears at the McDonald's drive through when the man switched my 2 Mcdoubles to 2 double cheeseburgers because they are buy one get one for $1, and I'm just not used to being loved like this.

Internalize at your own risk, results may vary.

please like my posts it's the only thing keeping me off the streets

I’m watching a commercial of people watching a commercial. I feel like one of my Sims playing The Sims

If birth control was made of chocolate, there'd be no unplanned pregnancies.

This is, in fact, his full government name and the only way I refer to him.

My girlfriend kept on asking me to go spelunking with her so eventually I caved.

Move along darling I'm not the nightmare you're looking for..

1st day of fall and I'm still writing spring on my checks.

son of a cuss i put diesel in the school bus and not magic

I’m sure your delusions are grand but mine are grandeur

life after death? you mean this shit continues???

So much research going into why zebras have stripes but maybe it just makes them feel pretty

imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they put ketchup on their steak

Man, those old Garfield games before Davis got off the blow really went dark...

Chilly this morning. It's happening. IT'S HAPPENING

You remind me a lot of decaf coffee. You’re here but no one’s impressed.

throw a stick at the wall and see if it spaghettis

you should buy a new shower head . no pressure .

When I first started here I allowed anyone to reply to my posts so yes, I’ve made it through some really hard times

M. Night Shama Lama Ding Dong

I didn't lose my mind, it's free derange.

ME: sorry, I’m ticklish NAIL TECH WITH A BLOODY RAG TO HER NOSE:

what if we kissed in hamburglar jail

slob on my knob as friends?

barely legal olive oil

I haven’t had time to think lately and it’s really given me a lot to think about

In Swedish, a word for what you eat to bridge the gap between meals (or while waiting for the main course to cook) is stödmacka. It means "support sandwich." A similar word in Norwegian is ventepølse, or "waiting sausage."

i burned a frozen pizza for you, please respond 🫶🏻

Originally a choose your own adventure but every ending was death 🏆👑 Congratulations @daddyjew.bsky.social from @jfloozie.xyz

trying to get in shape before my physical so my doctor doesn't find out how i live

absolutely exhausted with no end in sight? maybe being alive is for you!

gm

Nothing slaps like a Dr Pepper after 8 PM on a Friday when you’re in your forties.

I'd like to see your email try to find me

Is there a way to turn "Sleep Study Participant" into a full-time job?

I went to the Good Posters conference and no one there knew you

i put the ‘me’ in Parmesan cheese

I only have a few friends but hopefully I’ll be able to get rid of them soon

I'm just a random word generator.

I'm always my authentic self, and apparently that's not great for marriage.

my sleep debt is killing my FICO score

Six Kirk stories on the NYT home page before you get to a silly little story about the President publicly demanding his political foes be charged with crimes.

told my neighbor to calm their tits and now apparently i’m “at it again” on nextdoor