Me: Jesus, take the wheel Jesus: Qué?

the optimistic optometrist prescribes rose tinted glasses

That disappointed look my dog gives me when I'm late giving him his meal. I've been shamed.

Went to a party last night and there were 5 dogs there and I have an idea for a new law that will actually be good

sometimes i’ll suggest to my wife that we stay up past eleven and watch one more episode because i want her to know there’s still a little of the bad boy in me

I don't pretend to be anything I'm not, except a normal human being.

the average person eats 8 southwestern egg rolls in their sleep per day

I'm not convinced this is a Monday

this is my out of office reply

I am going to write another strongly worded letter! That will surely help myself and others.

i call my car the exterminator, bc it’s the blunt roach collector

you and your partner should get regularly tested for ADHD even if you're monogamous

im in an emotionally abusive relationship with my government

My grandmother, a socialite with Alzheimer's, said one of the greatest things I've ever heard. I asked what she was doing, and she responded, having no idea who I was, "Oh, I'm just sitting in a house, doing things that people do when they're sitting in houses"

it’s just me and this candy cane shiv i made against these mall Santas

I wish it was easier to find holiday themed hardcore pornography.

I don't need people. I just need you guys.

that’s not funny, my Grandpa died trying to jump over a candlestick

What are you dingleberries saving skeets for anyway? Is it a holdover from the Great Depression?

I'm about to venture out into the madness, wish me luck.

If Empire Strikes Back isn’t a Christmas movie, then why is there so much snow in it?

Look, just because you're an idiot doesn't mean I'm an asshole for pointing it out

PSA there are 8 million people in every mall today and they've all forgotten how to walk

Why would anyone risk themselves to go on 60 Minutes after this? How can viewers ever trust CBS News to report fairly on topics this White House is sensitive about?

*watching the grinch* "I can fix him"

[whenever a tarot card reader flips a card i don’t like] go fish.

Customer: im irate Me: hi irate, nice to meet ya

I'm pretty excited to fuck up this next year too. I have some new ideas.

bluesky is not boring! in my timeline this morning alone there were 8 separate posts about soup, and like, all different kinds

i am “takes naps on lunch breaks” years old

Somebody said the U.S. has big “dying mall” energy right now and I can’t stop thinking about his accurate that feels

If you marry a mail order bride, how much is the postage for all the bridesmaids?

you lost me at figgy but brought me right back with pudding

The five stages of grief but it’s just me realizing I have to leave my house

No one has skeletons in their closets anymore, everyone keeps them in their phones instead.

Was feeling spontaneous, so I made a list of things to do next Tuesday.

My phone just tried to correct “ay dios mio” to “ay dios moo” Holy cow.

Fear and Loathing in America

it’s too cold to get naked and take a shower i’ll just keep putting more outfits on to hide the smell

i always win at strip poker because i keep an ace tattooed up my sleeve

My New Year’s resolution is to believe people when they say they’re a piece of shit

All I asked Santa for this year was to get hit by a speeding garbage truck.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

For best results milk your man at least every 72 hours

it’s the inner Cheech in me that sees the inner Chong in you

Netflix: are you still watching? Me: you’d like that, wouldn’t you? you kinky fuck

Hard work may not kill me but it's not a risk I'm prepared to take.

Sorry I'm late, I asked J.R.R. Tolkien for details on how to get here

if social media has taught me anything... i’m unaware of it

If you ever need a shock to wake you up, hit the Discover tab by mistake