replacement time machine out of use, please use witchcraft

Wearing my sweatshirt with the word human on it and I've never been so embarrassed.

this timeline messing with my innards

Thinking of cereal mascots and which would make an adequate lover

I wonder when having one thick eyebrow will be a thing?

I don't like bird feeder cameras how would you like it if people were watching you eat lunch in your car

food just tastes better when you use a teensy spoon

I wish The Boys was more fictional.

What do you mean spelling out your name in clamstrips isn't romantic?

Winning is *supposed* to hurt this badly, right?

Slim Jim is short for Slames James

Turned my brain to auto pilot this week

Being held in a psychiatric hold sounds like a lovely bit of respite.

"I'm cutting down on processed sugar so I buy plain yogurt and slice fruit into it" JFC thanks for ruining my entire day

What's the German word for overwhelmed by way too much dumb shit?

love letters to cats

if hamburger helper then surely hot dog collaborator

if we can get rid of the tech bros i think we’ll be okay, everyone.

My favourite thing about this website is that no one gives a shit about what I say, which is how it should be.

Some people don’t understand that gif reactions are a love language

I like 'em big, and crunchy. www.livescience.com/space/cosmol...

I suppose I should stop being so wicked all the time I’d really like to get some of that stuff they call rest

sounds such as a whoop or a scream

I like to think of myself as a human stress test during these trying times. All systems operational, barely.

When you eat like a child, Arby’s assumes you are one and they throw in a little roast beef man

Spend more time with people who treat your presence as valuable, rather than optional.

We're having breakfast for dinner because we're poor. It's not wacky or quirky or whatever.

not many know this but you can get great rates on flights to hell this time of year

I just found out that you can't drown in quicksand. I have a lot of revenge plots that need to go back to the drawing board now

who wants to wrestle?

Hmmmm ... seems that things are getting worse.

You know the world is going to shit when you see two bald men fighting over the last bottle of shampoo.

My brain feels like a 24-hour laundromat with glowing overhead fluorescent lights and someone just put a brick in the dryer. Do you have any quarters?

Going crazy is when you realize the little voice telling you to calm down is also screaming.

I have never clicked yes to "Was this article helpful?"

*enjoying a moment of peace* hey it's been a while since you got some horrifying news

I don't have a lot of regrets but I really squandered all my best collagen dating stupid assholes

you can ride the bus for free if you tell the driver “fare does not exist in my dojo”

having to prove my identity more to view a bill than i do to pay it is slowing the progression of humanity

What doesn't kill you requires a co-pay.

they never warned us about our dystopian here and now

Established in 2008, the cobwebs at the ceiling’s peak underwent numerous renovations, and the current tenant preferred their food to be flown in.

My grapes, they are sour.

Is the July 4th party theme still Bread and Circuses, Blood on the Main Lawn?

I'm just like poor ad placement. Annoying and nothing you're remotely interested in.

I think word is getting around the raccoon community that I’m the best marshmallow dealer

let’s go on a date, I’ll meet you by the sewer and I’ll be the one with the red balloon

I love a good late spring chill to keep my garage from being overloaded by Slimers

Tattoo wishes and body piercing dreams

Pretty sure I just saw a hummingbird, but I’m not sure. Gonna stand by the feeder for the next 8hrs to confirm