laws of gravity be damned

What the hell time is it even anyway

Desperately trying to think of something other than what the fuck is happening everyday.

computer: enter password catputer: enter psspsspssword

Little known fact: If you spend over $1000 at Costco, they let you hunt an employee for sport after the store closes…

With the Canadian exchange rate, tariffs, inflation and the war in Iran, a pet monkey costs over two million dollars now.

they should make a brain you can power down every evening with the push of a button

never underestimate a good drum beat enhancing overall mood

Bookshops smell of paper and magic, someone should bottle it.

How am I? I don't answer trick questions.

the irony of people pointing out irony, not being ironic themselves.

my weeds are more colorful than theirs, and other pep talks I give myself

Pro tip: Get you a good headlamp and you don't even *need* to save daylight.

asking websites to verify they're a computer before i enter

The algorithm just showed me a video on quantum physics and entanglement theory and I’m so flattered it thought I’d understand all that.

“It’s a price worth paying” is easy to say when you’re not paying shit.

Encyclopedia Brown could fix this

This is all so unnecessarily fucking stupid, and destructive.

I dunno maybe when your country is bombing schoolchildren you should have your national man-boy baseball team sit this one out

I’m aware I’m just churning out garbage at this point. I’m not stopping.

You only reskeet me when you’re naked

I would love to throw some fake fruit at you

The last windbreaker I got was with Marlboro miles.

There's something fucked up in the air, and I don't like it one bit.

*lips directly on microphone* A belt is technically a leather boa!

The failure of my last skeet tells me all I need to know about bsky

On a scale of one to Molly Ringwald’s prom dress, how disappointed were you?

I'm not calling it getting old anymore. I'm going to say it's time sickness from now on.

few things are more shattering than looking around for your cup of coffee only to remember that you've already finished it

Watching the sunset is like getting a forehead kiss from the sky.

sick of working, it’s time to start doing crimes for money

This motherfucker just said they're walking around with no legs. Jesus fuckin christ.

Genuinely thinking about buying a cassette player walkman like I used to have I'm sick of this sad future

Me: you're probably going to hate yourself if you do that Also me: way ahead of you

who called it horse shit when whinny the poo was right there

OH SO I ALSO LOSE AN HOUR THIS WEEKEND WHAT ELSE DO YOU PLAN TO TAKE FROM ME

The older I get the more I appreciate Ben Kenobi.

Thunder ALSO happens when it's raining, you coked-up, bleating sheep.

Can the hour we lose tonight be the one where I’m awake wondering why I even exist

But does the Hulk *feel* Incredible?

“It’ll be fun!” Lies, lies and more lies!!

gonna spring clean the junk drawer of my mind

the clouds are cool go take a look

Not now, I'm looking at puppies and kittens that I don't have time to adopt

you gotta love how news networks still try and drag you along with the weather report like “we’ll be back to you with the weather report in 10min” like you can’t check your phone in two seconds

Is that a Kit Kat bar in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

look who i found in my trash once again

due to current gas prices, i'm gonna need you to get out of my car and into my dreams.

I'd never be anywhere without you... and my car keys. You have my car keys.

Sometimes you’re the black hole and sometimes you’re the thing hurtling uncontrollably towards it