Procrastination? No, no, no. I’m just not going to do it.

You look like you called every partner your soulmate and thought it was endearing and not a personality disorder

You’re only as good as your best fart joke. Mine isn’t half bad, if I may toot my own horn.

welcome to bluesky,

how dare you im not in a state of denial my denial is continent sized

Nvm. That shit is expensive.

the state of the world is no laughing matter which is why gallows humour is so important

sleepwalkers are such overachievers just lay down like the rest of us

Stop liking all my reposts. Go get your own. Damn.

Might fuck around and take up falconry.

I wish a motherfucker wouldn't, actually.

They came up with the slogan for Nair "Who wears short shorts?" after the creative director saw @los-los.bsky.social playing hoops at the community center.

a saturday auto-delete all drafts function WHEN

the box doesn’t say how many babies i have to wipe with these things

call me old fashioned but a freezer should keep things frozen without all these ice packs

It's a shrug life.

Fine, Mom! I'll put on a bra to take you out to lunch.

My DiGiornos skillz. Don’t all try to marry me at once.

I'm on the mushroom pic side of bsky 😭 why is my life always like this?

that was mean, I think I am ‘90s jaded, again

Whaddup playboy, wanna watch me eat too much coffee cake then fall asleep?

do not tap the glass do not feed the fish do not acknowledge the bots

ǝɓɐqqɐɔ ǝʞıl llǝɯs no⅄

anytime you say mfw i think it’s motherfucker when

come for the tricks stay for the cats

Grill me some meat.

I’m sorry but if you care more about an ex’s feelings over your partner because of kids, maybe you should just try to get back with them.

Why is everyone skeeting about pizza? Is this some weird sex discord thing?

It's fun watching news anchors pretend to know what they're reading about.

but do you even dance barefoot, bro

la croix red bull

Reality? In the AI era???

Band names. Do not steal my band names. I'm on drums, if you can shut up I'll let you play bass.

Googled my symptoms and it turns out I’ve been dead for 3000 years

But they were all deceived for a 5th loco was made

Despite all my blocks I’m still just a douchebag in crocs

live long, prosper, laugh, lizard, Spock, Picard out

All love songs are about pizza and all breakup songs are about exercise😭

having some food with my Frank’s hot sauce rn

has anyone tried to bribe the Strait of Hormuz with pizza

has anyone tried to open the strait of Hormel with a hotdog

There's no graceful way to handle a leg cramp.

Emptied my bra out onto the counter and now I have breakfast for today and tomorrow.

I bet against the Polymarket bar being cool.

Ok, I've caught up with all your nighttime thoughts. You may continue

please accept my sincerest oopsie daises

decided to take the form of a grasshopper and stop pretending I have this life thing sorted out

Bird flu? No shit Sherlock, that's what they do.

meh with being an adult, fetch me my finest trinkets and glitter