I think with all the rats I’ve dated I’m sure to be immune to the hantavirus

Never regret anything you've ever tried in life. Just regret that you took pictures while doing it.

I gaze at pizza like mothers gaze at their newborn children.

I've been gone and busy today, I have a note from my Mom. Who's in charge today?

My dog speaks growlish.

*brings hopes and dreams to the crematorium

My token of appreciation is stuck in your mom's ass

There's really no problem that can't be solved with just a little bit of denial

I just spent 20 minutes in the produce section trying to decide if I want eat a little pesticide or pay a $2 more per pound

Doom scrolling at the cracker-practer

Debating if I should get drunk and tell everyone I love them

one time I ate all of my coworker’s animal crackers because I thought he wouldn’t mind but he did.

[watching Love is Blind and yelling at the TV] GIRL! STOP CRYING! HE’S UG!

I need someone to go on a hike with me and enjoy nature but then check my hair for ticks

I enjoy having a drink on my deck so the local gnats have a community swimming pool

When I had my first child I looked at my mom and said I didn’t think I could love another person this much and she laughed and said yeah, now you get it. Happy Mother’s Day weekend

Me: I deserve peace Anxiety: let's workshop that

There's no crying in shitposting

ever meet someone and know they've never sung in their car

The theory that reality is just a simulation comes from real archaeological evidence that the ancient Greeks invented the holodeck.

That looks like a problem for more therapy.

I have to be part Klingon with this passion for death I carry

My toxic trait is still caring long after they stopped

I tried drowning my sorrows in whiskey and now they're drunk and have more confidence

Name which film villain you are.

OK, that's enough peopling for a while.

Name which film villain you are.

Name which film villain you are.

Every mom ever: you forget all about the pain of labor and you love that baby more than anything in the whole world. Me: I was on morphine. I loved everyone.

i should be able to door dash taco bell to my car in traffic

Who called it Viagra when they could've had this

My job is to persuade you to eat as much cheese you can each day. Cram it in there.

your countenance is trash girlie

When you’re fine. Everything is fine. AltTxt: man with black background is looking down with his hand over his mouth and laughing

my favorite thing to do on bsky is forget it exists for a couple of months and then come on to tell everyone how much i hate it and what a waste of time it is even being here

I was once called barren and middle aged by someone ten years younger than me and who looks like he's already lived 65 hard years because men are absolutely ridiculous creatures.

Get in, loser. We're getting the fuck off of this planet. ~aliens, I hope

I was going to make my kids mow the lawn but I'm going to do it because I kind of enjoy doing it. Their loss. Enjoy your YouTube bullshit, sons.

Logging off cause y'all too high brow.

Not too proud to solve an intractable problem by bringing in a superior chaos agent.

In a world with trees, Always trim the palm tree for phallic sake.

I feel stupid and contagious

I'm not shy, I just don't like you.

You should always fear the silence over the screaming

When you wish someone that they live a long life, you're wishing them quantity over quality.

argue all you want about when things started going wrong but it was 100% when MTV premiered The Real World which was not at all real

Disappointment comes from expecting virtue from those who do not practice it.

notice how people who are obsessed with being viewed as good people, are never good people.