SCOTLAND NOOOO

PM Dawn maybe could’ve written King Lear, but Shakespeare never could’ve written “Set Adrift on Memory Bliss”

Could not figure out who Lucas Paquetá looked like, then it hit me during the national anthem

Could not figure out who Lucas Paquetá looked like, then it hit me during the national anthem

Expand fuckin MARTA

I saved so much money on food that I could afford to finally finish that basement.

Damnit. “Studio (Age) 54” was right there.

Motivation to work is so low that billionaires are designing submarines just to get near it

Prime Day review: 6: not prime 24: not prime 246: not prime 624: not prime 2026: not prime 6,242,026: not prime 2,462,026: not prime

Cutting out lines for my friends

Yes I have always been a huge Colombia fan

sOcCeR iS sO bOrInG

UP IN THE AIRY KANE

GHANA WHAT YOU DOING BB

Ghana playing 3 deep and England Kirk Cousins-ing their way down the field

OY IT’S ARRY KANE

“I learned that the laws of physics prohibit anything from moving faster through space than the speed of light with one exception: space, itself, can expand even faster than the light it contains.” “Okay great. Did anyone have any lessons learned specifically related to the project?”

oh my god

Guy at work just did a rare triple "circle back" describing the progress on a project he’s working on

They say sex is like riding a bike which makes sense because I have not been on a bike in a while.

Linda timeline cleanse

Imagine creating AI Teddy Roosevelt and him being so pissed about it even in death that he’s waiting for you on the banks of the River Styx just to deliver an afterlife-altering ass beating.

Prime Day review: 6: not prime 23: prime 236 (euro style): not prime 623: not prime 2,026: not prime 6,232,026: not prime 2,362,026: not prime

Listening to Bush’s “Glycerine” while picking up poop in the backyard.

Genuinely cannot wait to talk to my Puerto Rican work friend just to hear him say Giannis Antetokounmpo.

Damn man there are two whole hours between 6:30 and 8:30 to get things done before the world comes alive.

My favorite thing About my favorite thing (the moon) Is that it makes me think Of my second favorite thing (Your butt)

Made a sappy post about my dad and forgot to post my favorite father's day thought

If you are in line to be traded for Giannis Antetokounmpo STAY IN LINE

WHAAAAAA

My favorite thing About my favorite thing (the moon) Is that it makes me think Of my second favorite thing (Your butt)

Starting to wonder if Messi’s comp isn’t actually Michael Jordan but Wilt Chamberlain

I’ll never forget the second half of the champions league final against Manchester United at Wembley. Messi was 23, but it was obvious that he was the best player on the field and the best player in the world. Ferdinand and Vidic couldn’t stop him. Carrick and Giggs couldn’t catch him.

When I think about Messi and his career, I immediately remember this team. It still is unbelievable that they ever lost a match.

And again

Reports of “Messi bad now” may have been premature.

They're widening a road near the house, and this morning they dug a Big Hole. I really want to go see the Big Hole.

Keir Starmed

“Hold up, I’m doing a drug deal out behind Walgreens.” The pharmacist in the drive thru: 😒

Missing him today but feeling thankful I had the best dad I could've ever asked for. The best gift he gave me was a front row seat to watching him love my mom and my sister. I aspire to his patience and kindness every day.

Missing him today but feeling thankful I had the best dad I could've ever asked for. The best gift he gave me was a front row seat to watching him love my mom and my sister. I aspire to his patience and kindness every day.

If the Saudis are lucky this will end up a manita. If not it could be 7 or 8

cargo shorts imply the existence of truckstop pants.

This butterfly has never once skipped leg day

Meet me at the nursery for an asskicking or a Japanese Maple.

On this Father's Day, please remember that a joke turns into a dad joke when it finally becomes apparent.

This would make an incredible father's day gift if you're in a bind today.