If I were wealthy, I’d spend my time perfecting so many crafts. I’d have sheds built with commercial quality equipment for each new skill. I’d have a studio with all the musical instruments I could get my hands on. I’d have a tower library. Rich people today are so weird and useless.

when your personal trainer tells you to dig deep you will often find the strength you need to dislike them more

Happy birthday to Chris, Laila, and Alex! November 15 is their day! Today is the reason we had to tell our family members to stop having sex on Valentine's Day.

What's your favorite song about the rain? youtu.be/l9_p-nhZXLg?...

What's your favorite song about the rain?

why did Worf get a bidet? because of the klingons

There's no crying in baseball...that's why I don't play.

A rocking chair and a fire hate to see me coming. 🩷

Some chick was arm in arm with a guy holding a white cane. They disappeared around the corner. Where was that blonde leading the blind?

Was sick of the traditional so here's an animated unsolicited Dick pic.

I'm doing the best I can.

Don't mind me...I'm just over here playing games with my mortality.

I dug deep and found a lot of things inside of me that I didn’t know were there before. Now I’m writing a Disney song.

"OH MY GOD!! SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU FELT FACE DIPSHITS! NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR LOVER'S QUARREL!"

pulling my pants down on the Carnival cruise and yelling "MASTER AND COMMANDO"

Post your favorite Star Trek character. Wrong answers only.

Well, well, well, if it isn't the person who is about to order their steak wrong.

Guilty as charred 🏆👑 Congratulations @captantagonist.bsky.social from @grilldcheese.bsky.social

i call my beaver the woodchipperer

You see a vase, I see something that needs to be destroyed because it might contain herbs and ammunition…we are not the same.

Me, as a therapist: Please, you think that's bad? I've been searching for my lost shaker of salt all this time.

The hubs hasn't responded to any of my texts I've sent him 38 memes and not a single lol

Pokey never missed an opportunity to goose a buddy.

THEM: looks like the cat's out of the bag SCHRÖDINGER: not so fast, bucko

Post your favorite Star Trek character. Wrong answers only. I am sure Sam Rockwell was in Star Trek. 😉

Your honor, are you judging me?

just remember, lettuce gets recalled all of the time due to e coli. bourbon never does.

Moo Deng fleshlight

Post your favorite Star Trek character. Wrong answers only.

Post your favorite Star Trek character. Wrong answers only.

It's a wonder my heart didn't give out in high school. Every exam was a stress test.

Are you guys drunk enough yet to find me funny or should I come back later?

come to bluesky to escape twitter stay for the 86% more gayness

Post your favorite Star Trek character. Wrong answers only.

You can top my sweet potato casserole with your marshmallows if you wanna

Joke’s on you. Being ignored is my kind of foreplay.

Wouldn't it be funny if i had sex again

keeping things fresh by making dolphins noises in the boudoir

Why does Dick Cheney sound more like a bad piercing decision.

I was just sitting here wondering how to spell bananas, the Hollaback Girl came on. Am I a witch?

Post your favorite Star Trek character. Wrong answers only.

Don't come around here with that mopey attitude. I'm not buying what you're sullen.

learning to mime and this audiobook is useless

It's funkin' Caturday and it's my funkin' Friday!!

I work at the Kellogg factory stamping the expiration dates on boxes. It’s called cereal dating.

Interviewer: So what do you think is one of your strengths? Me: I'm a great cuddler, both as big and little spoon Interviewer: Me: Do you want me to demonstrate? Interviewer: . . . Yes

I still carry a torch for my old flame. - a pyromaniac love story