let the talk to text typos be just leaf them alone ok

That low moaning is just my back. Nothing to be alarmed about.

Me: Trimming around some of the larger lilly plants. Wasp: Not today, bitch boy. There's only one thing to do and that's kill you. Me: Oh look, football.

got stoned and forgot i was on someone's timeline and not the following feed, good timeline

@lacroixboi.dadguy.help lives his life with a certain je ne sais croix

it's called a grey hairstreak, nice name butterfly 🤣🤣🤣

•spooning butter over your steak• What baste is this?

it is the people who hate mayonnaise who will be left to rule

so many blooms

Made some baked Brie and cheese danishes. 🍽️🍜

oddly chillin🤣💞

You ever wonder if you've bought milk from the same cow twice?

"😒" - glare quote

the toilet seat wasn't too cold. there was adequate TP and the roll was placed in the holder correctly. lovely ambience with the potted greenery. soap a nice lavender fragrance. 4 stars. would visit again *review of a shitpost*

Sorry I can’t hang tonight, I have a date.

I just ate way too much food so now i'm gonna balance things out by drinking way too much beer

This is what the demanding face looks like as a grow up.

Really need my office chair to grow a teleport button. No exotic locations. Toilet and fridge options would suffice.

Do you think chickens would be horrified by what we do with eggs?

god IS one of us and shitposting

Sneezed while squatting, didn't pee - hmu, baby

Everybody gets one. You already used yours.

Change a movie by adding a word Gone with the Breaking Wind

I don't understand the appeal of chicken wings. Like, here's some spicy bones, you'll need a shower afterwards.

spending my free time imagining fights i'll never have

“🤗” -care quote

What’s your sign?

What’s your sign

It's today,loves.. You know what that means ? Be fucking ungovernable

Gonna start a shitposter think tank. The Progressive Butthole Foundation.

I’d like to throw my shoe at Tom Brady. Just for fun.

If you are happy, I am overjoyed

if god is real then why have I not been smited explain that

It’s a proven fact that food tastes better when you make it with your sexy fire man apron and snarky pot holders. 🩷

Change a movie by adding a word Spanking Mean Girls

Change a movie by adding a word Spanking Bad Girls

Your mission is to make me the most happy me I can be, and I will always try to do the same

My neck pain's connected to my Shoulder pain My shoulder pain's connected to my Back pain My back pain's connected to.....

Being funny requires a certain threshold of trauma and eating way more than the recommend daily amount of Flintstones vitamins as a kid.

the perfect text doesn’t exi-

Oh you like Korn? Name one song of theirs you like that isn't Freak on a Leash or A.D.I.D.A.S. 🤨 (Please, anything other than those two)

I said that at 6K I would post audio of myself laughing my butt off to your jokes. Well, I’m getting close so be funny Bluesky!

On a positive note about Bluesky, I laugh my ass off (figuratively, as I lost my ass years ago) when I detach a quote from someone who doesn't even like my skeet. And slings shit about it in the Quote skeet. Oh. Click. 😂😂

dad skeet

My wife when I clean the house, make dinner and tell her she's pretty.

I don’t have a safe word I am fond of the word no though That and banana

Glasses, phone, sure, but by far what I misplace most often are my pants.

“Hey, Baby, come over here and I’ll tell you your fortune, you lucky girl!

what do you mean med beds aren't real - I've seen them on star trek