We have a lizard here that is so dumb it can get trapped in a flower pot that is laying on its side.

Her: Hi. Me: Make sure, cuz I’m probably gonna ruin your life.

i am eating muffins and taking names and i am all out of names

You’ll fight me tooth and nail? Suit yourself. I’ll be using knives and guns.

you guys know to boycott starbucks during their strike, right? or just because it’s bad coffee.

I'm so confused rn, so yeah typical night on bsky dot app

Her: if you love cholula sauce so much why don’t you marry it Me: i tried, the courts wouldn’t allow it

Him: Tell me something you’ve learned in the last six months. Me: Jerking off with coconut oil is fuckin awesome. Him: I don’t think you’re a good fit for this position. Me: No problemo. But try it, seriously. Like, wow.

i was a regifted child

It’ll never work so let’s just burn it all down.

I just here to make you feel weird about laughing at the wrong things.

I’m gonna need you to turn down your hotness.

Moving forward, I’m choosing easy. I’ve earned it.

Peace starts with shutting up.

Hit me up if you like boredom and disappointment.

If it feels right it’s probably bad for you.

Let’s not complicate things, reality’s already messy enough.

Mid-fight with mom Me- *jumps up and down on the crack in the kitchen floor tile.

The hotel I stayed at in Boston text me that they want me to visit again. Like omg, so obsessed with me.

One time I slipped and fell on an acorn so I told all my friends they couldn’t like acorns anymore

I’m sick, so I’ll probably do a sexy video of me rubbing Vicks Vaporub on my chest later

My hobbies include overthinking and looking good accidentally.

It’s never regret with the right person.

Coffee first…regret later.

My thoughts have stretch marks from overthinking.

The universe said ‘trust the process.’ Well the process is just stupid.

Everything’s fine if you lower your standards far enough.

The coffee’s hot, the world’s dumb, and I’m stoned. Perfect.

She was a 10 but claimed something hurt her "fillings"

Yes, I reposted you. But I am not in repost with you.

Sorry for all the yawning I was up super late gazing at the big beautiful beaver

Living next to the USA right now feels like being trapped in a car with a drunk driver who is chain smoking stale cigarettes and careening down an icy mountain road in the dark and rain

Show of hands, how many of you mentally have an outfit ready to put on the first morning you wake up to hear that diaper don has died?

I don’t know anything current outside of politics and bird migration patterns and the weather. I’m officially my grandfather.

I mean let's be real, this is the only occupation that would make sense

the dutch used to do backwards racing?

I have two modes. Simple and complex. And there’s no rhyme or reason to either of them.

I wasn’t flirting, I was being polite with enthusiasm.

Me? Just a Grandpa who still feels 25. Or at least wakes up that way…at first.

My mother waited, her mother waited, her mother’s mother waited until after Thanksgiving to decorate. I broke tradition with a strand of Christmas lights.

I’ll never enjoy the holidays as much as Mariah Carey does, and I’m okay with that.

November’s only been here five minutes and it’s already too November.

I respect General Hospital because they don’t even pretend to know what year it is anymore.

90s kids didn’t go to therapy. We just yelled “INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE” and kept it moving.

Thinking back, Little Red Riding Hood saw a wolf in a nightgown and still said, “Grandma?”

I’ve learned that if grandma laughs, I probably shouldn’t have said it.

My moral compass spins like it’s caught in a magnetic storm.

Some call it middle age. I call it the intermission before Act II gets even weirder.

Welcome to your 40s. You now pull a muscle when you stretch.