Oh, to be a silly cat and be called Purricious

Saw some flags lowered and got kinda excited for a second

im hoping all this epstein stuff is gonna back fire on the (also guilty) dems, suicide bomber style

Somebody help me kill this love. Kill it. Kill it. I can’t bear it. I cannot bear it any longer.

might get back into kratom paired with adhd meds so i can just do basic shit like survive

I see a snack, I eat it. The cycle repeats.

i consumed so much content yesterday. 37 content. probably take it easy today.

what if i just climb back into bed

I met a weird girl and within 20 minutes she had me eating nerd clusters straight from her hand like a horse

You can eat Iced Cream at any of the hours

either that guy in the truck ahead of me is burning oil or he’s just elected a new pope

Training a mosquito to deliver my blood to you and I’ll call the service Valenmosquito

Of course I have a self destruct button.

Story telling originated in the Paleolithic Era. Tribes of cave dwellers would sit around a communal fire. The shaman would raise his staff and press “play” on the audiobook.

bro i bet willy wonka's emails were CRAZY

While trying to fall asleep, I thought about how crazy it is to just fall asleep. Wide awake now.

is there a block list for people who contribute to the New York Times

“Bouta fuck my whole shit up” I say, hitting start on the record player

Everytime a lib comes up with a new pun to describe trump, im allowed to give a child one cigarette

Claude's heart was never in the art game because he was all about that Monet.

They are calling them the Bronx bombers and their diapers are FULL

i think more writers should cause billionaires to have nervous breakdowns

"if you switch to iphone you'll have facetime" sounds like a threat to me

I'm really asking a lot of these multivitamins

Nostalgic for the brief period in 1999 when we thought Blair Witch might be real

for me to follow you back you have to defeat my seven evil ex mutuals

can we still say shooting the breeze is that ok or

I do all my own stunts. <clumsy>

You can't force people to like you but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try

Short form looping videos will save the world. I'm sure that's gonna work.

I will break into your house to turn down the thermostat so help me

Smart posts? Nah. I just set the bar low then clear it with style.

[taking a big bite, then spitting it out] This isn’t sweet at all Neil Diamond is full of shit

Fake it til you make it or just do it forever

Sometimes I forget to say something.

I laugh, not because I'm happy. I laugh because I've lost my goddamned mind.

If I say that I’m baking for the holidays, it just means I’m smoking pot.

I don’t know anything anymore. So hit me up if you need some top tier advice

Remember that one time forever and always haunting your nostalgia

Sometimes I'll sit and contemplate the meaning of life and other times I'll wonder if the plural of manatee is 'manatees' or 'menatee'

I get it. Spiritual war exhausts me too.

I have created an AI companion that will interact with your other AI companions so you don't have to use the stupid shit. Give me a billion dollars, venture capitalists.

when that blood pressure cuff kicks in

revenge is a dish best served after I’ve licked everything on the plate

Netflix and stop talking to me tryna hear what they’re sayin

Listening to someone complain non-stop, fully aware they are the problem, is my new cardio.

me waking up: i can’t wait to nap

My life would be so much easier if I had a few minions.

I do believe in love, I always will

*my dog snoring Me: awww Ohmygosh how precious *my s.o snoring Me *grabs bat from under the bed