If you enjoy my humor, I urge you to please seek help. Although incurable, deranged stupidity can be treated if caught early.

split pea soup is just regular soup that’s gonna want you to split the bill

Bad day. Bad brain. Now I’m pissing everyone around me off. Wait, I’m supposed to be selling art right now. Buy my art because reasons! www.inprnt.com/gallery/neon...

Dating is just slowly revealing how horrible of a human being you are to one another

One of the ways to tell that a glass is clean is that it never crosses your mind that there might still be some blood in it

RIP shophouse. Shit was good

an owl babysitter is a hootenanny has this been done before

ALL I WANT IS TO BE LOVED, YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNTS.

What took you so long to follow me??? Don't you know I'm fucking adorable?

I like my coffee like I like my men, bitter and with a slightly unpleasant mouth feel

Chuck Schumer has a poster of Lucy pulling the football away at the last second while Charlie Brown misses again as inspiration for everything he does.

today is my bsky anniversary so I just want to say: I will never stop terrorizing you. you will not win.

my butterhorns bring all the boys to the yard

For those not up on aviation lingo, a "ground stop" is when you're grinding on that special person and there's a knock at the door.

Nothing scarier than the Sunday scaries.

I'm in my car harmonizing so beautifully with Sir Paul McCartney that I wish that he could hear me.

I think that’s enough of raw-dogging life, going forward I’m leaning heavily into LSD.

If you had to talk about any topic for one hour what would it be? For me it would be Karate Kid

Snug as a bug or possibly on drugs, it’s hard to say.

Any chicken can be tender if you show them love

BREAKING: Supreme Court rejects homophobe again 🏳️‍🌈 www.usatoday.com/story/news/p...

trying to have a good week but my socks shrunk in the wash and now they’re squeezing my calves like a medieval pervert. also, you know, all the atrocities inflicted upon us by tyrants and cowards.

I love this time of year when bugs are dying

naked taters in your area need to be buttered

I'm on the byway to hell.

started from the bottom, now we here (a new bottom)

not to brag but my B.O. smells exactly like Taco Bell

As I like to say, whatthefuckever.

My first novel “The Wraith & the Idolater’s Blade” has successfully gotten past the critical title-choosing phase. Next hurdle is writing it — ideas?

laminating stuff as lo-fi office work

I, state name here, do solemnly swear to shitpost to the best of my ability until further notice

[on hold] me: this better be the tupac version of this song and not that bruce hornsby sack of shit... [piano pops off] me: godDAMMIT

Ok, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same place at the same time? Just sayin' 🤔

the difference between you and i i know i'm an idiot

Keep your friends close, keep your perverted friends closer, cause they are way more fun and stuff...

hahaha all my pictures have been NFTs you guys owe me so much money

instagram is stupid. sorry

Give us Lord our daily fiber. Forgive us our diets' lack of fruits and vegetables. Save us from the leftover Halloween candy. Now and Later, Good & Plenty. Amen.

If I start posting memes without captions it's because I have laryngitis.

7: Fire is magic. Me: No, it’s science. 7: OK, then, what’s fire made of? Me: Um… 7: 🎵𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘔𝘈𝘈𝘈𝘈𝘎𝘐𝘊🎵

Well, I applied for a job and then I shit my pants. Think I'll call it a day.

I have a mild cold, so I'll be slowly dying in bed for the next three days.

feelings are temporary mashed potatoes are forever

We'd be in a lot less trouble now if nuclear weapons had turned out to be more difficult than basically smashing two rocks together really hard.

welcome new starter pack followers you are now wharfettes, wharflings, and/or wharfoids tell me i'm pretty

Deluded and unfunny. My new autobiography out today.

sunday gloomies can kiss my arse

We’re gonna need a lot more buses to push people in front of this is unsustainable from a transit standpoint.