i think film posters should only show the actors that do full frontal in the movie

bluesky is a social experiment where the mods systematically ban everyone you know until you're left posting into the void contemplating your irrelevance. on wednesdays we post wagon.

This is my vape pen, this is my gummy. This is for lungs, and this is for tummy.

A haunted house, but your ex gets progressively drunker in every room while hitting on you

[me, getting stabbed to death in 19th century London] ugh, more like Jerk the Ripper

eating granola having impure thoughts

JULIUS CAESAR: [sneezing] eh-eh-eh-eh-et TUUUU

what kind of app for 38 year olds is this

Harold and Kumar Go To The Polls

family sitting awkwardly while Pussy Is God plays loudly at my funeral

Tits or ass? Bro, her overwhelmingly threatening aura

one ecto-cooler flavored vape hit in & i’m like “i should order a pizza & some variety of cheesed garlicy bread side about it” to celebrate dad’s good outcome with surgery today & doing spring cleaning after getting home (i also had a sour patch weed gummy, but w/e)

to be fair to don jr, i cant go to his wedding because of the government or some shit either

it is very important to diversify your online portfolio with a strategic balance between follows, follow-backs, and riffs

cause of death: drowned in a Billy Ocean

being dumb is great because i’ll see some stuff and be like “ok yay”

Nobody on their deathbed has ever said, "I wish I would have worked more and put in more overtime," they say "I wish I spent those fat overtime checks on drugs and music festivals"

i am "excited to find out the ribbon in the cake is poppyseed not chocolate" years old

my phone won’t unlock until im visibly disgusted with the state of the world

So far, there are 0 credible articles to support this.

These noise cancellation headphones don’t work. I can still hear myself screaming.

Feeling sad? Need some happiness in your life? Consult with your doctor to see if following baddies is right for you

babe you're at suddenly, i need you at get out of my dreams get into my car

Hi, it's your neighborhood grocery store. We rearranged everything again for no reason so you won't be able to find basic items for a few months. Anyway, take care.

If you post a giant ugly GIF in my replies it is legally an act of war.

I can eat anything, anytime because I'm a fucking raccoon.

There should never be anything artificial about intelligence.

i just flew in from handjob island and boy are my arms tired

man who crosses my blood-brain barrier

Catapulting plague-infected corpses into my yard is a deal breaker

My divine feminine commune idea is sounding better and better isn’t it

Sometimes, I like to use a chainsaw to diffuse awkward situations

look don't make your towel available if you're suddenly going to care so much about how i use it. and fyi i am going to need those hairs back

Suspect is said to have the fattest pussy known to mankind

Patient: *broken bone pushed through skin* House, if it were on HBO: Look at this stupid mother fucker

Jacob Elote

"Is a shitposter not entitled to the clout of their posts? No, says the hater, it belongs in the trash No, says the liberal, it belongs on threads No, says redditor, it belongs in my discord server "

ever since i was a little girl I always wanted to be souped up

i let some lady with a fancy camera and a panini press take pictures of my boobs yesterday and she didn’t even pay me

NEW COMIC COMING OUT TONIGHT ON PATREON!

him: your lips are so full and inviting me: thx i was attacked by wasps

for the bluesky finale we’re all gonna wake up in bed with twitter and it will have all been just a dream

getting groceries delivered isn’t enough i want them to come in and put them away then brush my hair

calling it ‘BIRD STOOOOOOOORE’ so customers know we have a lot of sparrows

"girl talk" umm please call it by its formal name, the Bechdel test

“sweet bread” and “sweetbread” are not synonym rolls.

we need a better system to help us transition from vacation to being back home. i had to go to bed last night without a towel shaped into a lobster on my bed and that was some bs.

me: *unable to accept that im seeing a clown emerge from the sewer* stephen king: just lean into It me: what