What did we get stuck in our rectums last year? defector.com/what-did-we-...

getting railed by one ghost after another tonight like yes bitch make me see the error of my ways

i didn’t watch a charlie brown christmas last night, i sat my jew ass down and LISTENED

may your days be merry and bright and may all your christmussy be tight

happy christmas you fucken sickos

2026 is already making me tired

I didn’t write the phrase “the hot dog isn’t food, it’s a contract written in ketchup,” but I will be using it frequently and sometimes inappropriately now, thank you, thebusinesspeter.

the human figure should be easier to draw. people should be like squares or circles or whatever, in my opinion

the perfect blue wave slop doesn't exi–

i'm listening

causing an international scotch tape shortage with my elite gift wrapping skills

joining team dakota for this round

Wet Leg - mangetout

switching 2 my other favorite band, Rage Against The Mach— THEY SAID WAHT

Not too long ago I was wearing a Springsteen shirt & a rando in Wawa said “he lost a huge fan getting political” & I said “well good thing he doesn’t give a fuck.” The guy looked mortified but I really didn’t mean to be mean. I was telling him the truth.

Watching "Love, actually"

the lion, the witch, and the middle management who just discovered authority

8yo just asked me if "ASS" stands for "Ass Shit Shit"

[first day as a shepherd] boss: where are you going? me: [pointing] star boss: what? why me: [shrugging] baby

I dropped out of matador school. It was just a bunch of bull shit.

dont spit on the ground, the dirt in your yard is slowly developing a taste for humans. thats how sink holes happen.

they’re called narcissists cus autocorrect was taken

I actually haven’t heard of elf on a shelf you presumptuous bitch

Teachers used to tell us as kids, "There are no stupid questions," and I truly believed it until Reddit came along.

I love soup

Elite word play

I ever tell you guys I got replaced with ChatGPT on a project at Saber? One of the execs figured if we wanted to do live ops content for it not only would it be less work for everyone if ChatGPT wrote all of it, but that they could use it as a marketing selling point since gamers love AI

😭

My boss just yelled at me for making helicopter noises with my mouth. This meeting sucks

America is a fallen nation if true

rudolph also had a big red ass

hellooooo pissing on people's cars!

My grandmother, a socialite with Alzheimer's, said one of the greatest things I've ever heard. I asked what she was doing, and she responded, having no idea who I was, "Oh, I'm just sitting in a house, doing things that people do when they're sitting in houses"

Inside of me there are 6 geese a laying

standing under some parsley and hoping a lasagna will kiss me

Perhaps it is not me you seek, dear colleagues, first thing in the Monday morning chat, but the sweet release of death you unwittingly crave.

Oh yeah, last night when I was half asleep I imagined a turtle Pope. Little turtle in a Pope hat. Bene

LITTLE LAMB: do you hear what i hear SHEPHERD BOY: holy shit a talking lamb

the electronic form for the doctors office asked me to choose colors to describe my mucus and the color of my mucus was not on the list i think i’m about to be famous

huh what a weird thing for an american newspaper cosplaying as canadian to say

What if I came back just to post goatse

the nose is the clitoris of the face

Way to crush that parlay

I don't use marijuana recreationally I use it competitively

banning goatse? you mean covering the spread?

Petting my cats while showing them your pics of your cats.

don’t forget to go to your cinema, knock on the door, write them, call them, email them, and ask them to play la chimera

i’m going to be eating a big pinecone on live tv tonight

your mom called, she wants some of my italian sausage and meatballs