Everyone, please stop putting me on “sexiest penis” lists. Enough already.

It's cool that when you have a problem, if someone points out a worse problem that exists, your problem just goes away

(listening to song) if I was bad company, you wouldn’t hear me bragging about it

Courtney Love never played with her idols, Ann & Nancy Wilson. now there’s a Hole where her Heart used to be . folks,,

sometimes i get all sentimental about the human race but then i talk to some of them and it’s like oh yeah right

anyone else need a necklace with a button to push for being in an "i've fallen and can't get up" mental space?

You never really come upon someone taking a nude shower under a hidden waterfall these days. Too much internet.

remember when romance meant poetry and travel and nonstop sex instead of them accompanying you to costco on a sunday morning and pushing the heavy cart

baby are you fast fashion because i’d like to get myself inside of you for a few weeks until you’re all worn out and then ship you off to a dump in africa

I dont need a job, mom, I have 11k followers on bluesky

i’d take up fencing but it’s not for the feint of heart . folks,,,

I can’t wait for the day I wake up and it’s finally the funniest day on the internet

A-fucking-men

[willem dafoe unprompted] now, this cookie monster. [toothy smile] what a creature, what a lust. it consumes him. [crosses legs] he’s really a tragic figure.

no amount of state propaganda will ever convince me this man is my enemy

thinking of going all in on scams. i bet i’d make a great scammer.

People say Barbie is an unrealistic role model, but what about Mr. Potato Head? I’ve never seen a guy who looks likes that

The only thing that stands between you and your dreams are all the things you suck at

*looks at packaging* Ohhhhhh, it says LUCK of the Irish.

it is only because someone had the wisdom and foresight to plant a tree 50 years ago that i can lie here today enjoying the shade while your mom rides me bareback

86 the pussy rice

I, as a woman, once ruined The Workplace by sneezing too loudly apparently

you mentioned that. another order of cliantro rice, sir?

If you’ve dated more than one Walter you’re letting them Walts right into your life.

CHOTINER: your characters are so vivid PRINE: thank you CHOTINER: in "in spite of ourselves" the lover is obviously loyal PRINE: yes CHOTINER: and yet he's hard drinking PRINE: we all know couples like this CHOTINER: and a committed undie sniffer. where does a character like this come from? PRINE:

funko pop dolls aren't vegan

if i unclench my butthole my insides might fall out, and other miscellaneous 3AM worries

to my new followers- are you a ghost? you have to tell me if you’re a ghost, or else it’s entrapment

an important part of adulthood is coming to the realization that you can have shrimp cocktail literally any time you want

i am in my dark winter suffering cocoon rn but i promise one day soon i will emerge a fucking hilarious goofball butterfly

formula one but all the cars are the fuck truck from titanic

my baby is feral. her sister calls her a “rascally rat.” she’s like 10th percentile in height and weight and 90th in head circumference. she never stops eating. she chipped two of her four teeth and that’s only enhancing her whole vibe. she knows three words: eat, more, again! I love her so much

Hey sorry I didn't like your reply right away I don't want you to think I am chronically online but yeah I saw it one second after you posted it

Male pattern kindness

I just used my grandfather’s bench chisel to open a paint can. Anything goes. I sang a Sting song one octave down. Anything goes

I always wear latex gloves when I chop jalapenos due to an unfortunate fingering incident with my wife back in 2007.

while i have your attention

this is how i flirt with my friends

Meet me at the clearing with a handful of grave dirt, a bucket of pond water and a sprig of thyme. Wear comfortable shoes and a hooded cloak. Tonight we will perform the Unalivening when the planets align.

I have so many mutuals who follow this bigoted piece of shit. In case you dont know, noninary people are trans. I am trans. Its me or her

hell yeah this is sick

I've been changing my avi one pixel at a time for 2 years

It’s so interesting to look into the eyes of every Republican cabinet member and see a shimmering metallic psychosis.

cucking fapitalism

You could survive so many horror movies by simply saying "no thank you"

Mid life crisis mutant ninja turtles

ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to circle the block for parking

mourning a person you loved for decades with all your heart who is still alive but who has become an indifferent and unrecognizable stranger is the fucking worst i do not wish anyone in the world this pain

A pair of great horned owls have returned the woods behind our place. It's so comforting to hear their song. I realize there’s probably something deeply mystical and prophetic about them but I’m still going to skeet about bearded clams today

there's a part of me that's ready to get out of bed