you do not under any circumstances gotta hand it to the swiss

this is the way the world ends this is the way the world ends this is the way the world ends not with a bang but a shootout

i never learned who graham planter was or how to calculate the area under a curve and both have turned out to be the right calls

i don't care who you are, getting dragged on bluesky and then running to twitter to post about it is bitchmade behavior

“More slop” I cry, while rolling in the mud of the Discover feed

rashida tlaib: as a legislator that has lost family that is proud of my michigan and Palestinian roots, I will fight for workers by building coalitions with progressive politicians and keeping my constituents informed oysters chucklefuck: Women are lying whores. uhhh bump minimum wage ig

ilhan omar: (receiving 20359239 deportation/violence threats a day) hi im a midwestern mom and here are my hot dish recipes for fall, also here are my bills i am cosponsoring for working families dipshit mcoyster: The Jews sunk my campaign, and I am the only socialist in existence

I have this idea for a game show called Less Online, where the more online spouse/partner tries to explain something to their less online partner and they are racing against another couple to see who gets it first. (this morning I tried to explain the grink to my husband)

i'm excited to be dragged into the pit of no return by the hogs on bluesky. we will live out our days happily in the pit of no return, the hogs and i.

are you tired of winning yet

Her: What are you thinking about? Me: Looking pensive.

ssh ssh ssh rn we need to use our inside brain

i know it says “file is too large” silly it’s a picture of my ass

getting lost in the sauce sounds amazing

thank you for applying for this job! please send a 2 minute intro video and a photo of your uvula in bisexual lighting

thought i ran over a turtle on my way home from a late night waffle house run but it was just mitch mcconnells lifeless husk. he’s still out there

tony soprano lived an incredible life where he could have leftover ziti whenever he wanted

Sorry I thought your dick pic was a common stinkhorn mushroom.

From the sound of all these early fireworks I’m guessing Kid Rock saw his shadow today

that can't be true

We’re not grateful enough for pollinators. I’d rather lose every billionaire than every bee.

(looking in the mirror) psyop

they’re going to chop me up into little cubes and add me to a soup soon

i think me standing in the middle of the room singing river deep, mountain high is much more entertaining than this soccer game but apparently some people in this household disagree

if you’re from the united states you should be dressing in a hair shirt. if you have children you should be locking them in a dark room from birth to avoid any latent national pride. your women should walk the earth in chains and your men should bury themselves in a refuse. I’m a normal guy btw

I can’t tell if that’s a truck backing up or a Phish song

my mind is rat nests of worries and scurrying rivers of wonder spilling into seemingly endless seas, dusty cities of bookshelves and haunted hallways festooned with snippets of lyrics and soul aching memory how could any other mind find their way through this treacherous maze of electric light

ask your doctor if letting it linger is right for you

i got distracted and my coffee went cold but i drank it anyway and it tasted like sadness a memoir

Taking a huge bong hit, staring into space for 10 minutes then turning to your friend and saying

So hot, if you wrote Game of Thrones now they'd say "summer is coming"

everyone should get to see a nice booty if they’re sad. or happy. or honestly just whenever

[a trojan soldier looking confused as they hear the faint sound of ‘Happy Birthday’ being sung inside the big horse]

are there any jobs openings for female-presenting spectre haunting the river where her children drowned

at the cool age where i see a dad son duo and it could go either way for me if i can be honest

selling my bathwater to strangers on the internet so they can turn into mermaids too

Mom was watching a clearly AI video of a puppy rescuing a child and I let her believe it like she did with me and Santa Claus

The reason I can’t wear a speedo is that the other people on the beach took a vote against it.

Your order is important to us. We've branded the details onto the backs of our eyelids so we will never forget them. We will fill this one final order and then we will cease operations. Your name and address will be the last things on our lips before we die. Goodbye my friend, The Customer. Goodbye.

me, frightened, to the cashier at bed, bath and beyond: what’s the beyond?

*changing into my third costume to get more pizza out of the break room*

attending a mass at a sspx church while shaking my head the whole time so pontifex doesn't include me in the schism

if you were an atheist suffering from heat exhaustion and dangerously close to having a heat stroke, and a christian baby approached you with a proposition: get baptized in the name of the lord jesus christ and cool off or remain in your atheism and die, which would you choose?

They should invent a phone I never want to look at

"retired" is short for "really tired"

GOOD COP: Can I get you a coffee? BAD COP: Tell us what we want to know, or you will never see the outside of this building! MANSPLAIN COP: The other two officers are doing "Good Cop/Bad Cop". It's a way to bring your guard down.

Sure, we always pay attention to jazz hands... But we forget about jazz hearts

They’re letting the dead/medical coma rumors circulate to distract from the truth. That the terrifying beast within has emerged from its host and is now at large