diverting the water directed to data centers to my spa for horses

It’s so weird how they used to claim you’d go blind from masturbating too much. You don’t even need eyesight for that.

Every friend group has that one friend that's just a ghost that hasn't figured out they're dead yet. If you don't know who in your friend group is the ghost then I'm sorry buddy but I've got some bad news for you...

I remember the first time I learned there were horny milfs in my area I screamed

You wake up, but nothing seems right. You're fuzzy and coffee isn't helping. You tug on your earlobe and a cassette tape pops out the back of your head. You grab a pencil and insert it into the spindle, slowly turning until the kink straightens out and then pop it back in. You smile and make toast.

Clicking mindlessly from tab to tab counts as work

They say empty vessels make the loudest noise but what they don’t tell you is they also make a wicked handy receptacle to carry your bologna loaf in

Cats aren't afraid of the void

I’m sorry standing up for myself just proved how much day drinking I had been doing.

If you put a mall directory in a high traffic crossroads of your home people will stop and stare at it long enough for you to find out what they came there for, usually just to murmur and echo so be cavernous

Spent a truly obscene amount of money on my “cold cubes” idea only to be told about ice after 6 years of R&D. Furiously replacing every mention of "innovator" from my bio and shoehorning in some “working in the proud tradition of" bullshit.

My abomination has a first name.

whenever people mention how many spiders you eat in your sleep, I just think about all the cat hair I’m eating all day.

saw a roadkill opossum and called it a squashum but felt bad and apologized

The devil, having tired of the details, is in the depression

Them: what do you call a crocodile that’s good at bowling? Me: ᶦᶠ ᵗʰᶦˢ ᵉⁿᵈˢ ᶦⁿ ᵃ ᵖᵘⁿ Them: an alley gator Me: ⁿᵒ ᵗʰᵃᵗ’ˢ ⁿᵒᵗ ᵃ ᶜʳᵒᶜᵒᵈᶦˡᵉ ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᶦᶠᶠᵉʳᵉⁿᵗ ʳᵉᵖᵗᶦˡᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖʳᵉᵐᶦˢᵉ ᶜᵒˡˡᵃᵖˢᵉˢ ᵗʰᵉ ʷʰᵒˡᵉ ᵗʰᶦⁿᵍ ᶜᵒˡˡᵃᵖˢᵉˢ

Sorry, I wasn't fully listening. The tiny whales that live in my stomach were singing again.

My degree was in English lit but I went to medical school later after this one time at a party and great quotes just pouring out of me I could not say "coagulate yourself bitch" without sounding pompous ass

I would venture to guess that most people that say they are libertarians don't actually know what libertarians are and have probably never seen a Japanese raccoon dog either.

Xena: Lawyer Princess

filling your vodka bottles with Crystal Pepsi

A furloughed possibly daydrunk Smokey Bear honestly no longer harbors a scintilla of faith in your ability to prevent forest fires.

Did you bring me a sundae with a cherry on top? Yes? Okay, then we can do a therapy. Have a seat.

In heaven, I'll always have something to blow my nose into.

Sometimes I text random numbers with pictures of old grey hamburger meat and ask, "is this still ok to eat?"

Just misspelled my work login username, which is literally just my legal name stylized as an email address. I misspelled my name, twice. I'm not sure if I'm cooked, but the oven is definitely preheated

I used to think I wanted to be a scientist, but when I really reflect, I just wanted to look at random things through fancy microscopes.

Willy Wonka could have dealt with Musk

in the united states, today is veterans day, which is the day we let veterans out of their cages for a few hours while we hose everything down

have you considered lying down in the woods and giving up about it

- I can’t believe I was hacked. - What was your password? - The year the Mongol Empire, with the help of the Southern Song dynasty, completed its conquest of the Jin dynasty after the final Jin stronghold of Caizhou fell. - And when was that? - 1234

Can't come into work today, i sustained a football injury last night (the ball of my foot is sore)

Sometimes I get jealous of people who are retiring, then I remember they’re nearing the end of their natural lifespan and I get even more jealous.

If you love someone, set them free If they come back, make an STD test panel a prereq for your unconditional love

Like a gargoyle trapped within a white picket fence.

posting my nudes in amazon product reviews

opened a new carton of milk for my coffee and it came out in chunks, a sign of good luck in many cultures

i actually don't care if james bond is alive or dead as long as he's woke

sure sex is great but have you ever had a growing and persistent sense of dread that turned out to be horribly, sickeningly justified

Me as a therapist: *quits*

I hope something gross leaves your body today in a very satisfying way

All the fleeting ghosts from the corners of your eyes are more apart than anything in front of you so please, keep them in mind sideways for the panoramic pick up lines, condemned tire swing matchmakings just laying around and around in your yard

I crave endless attention and total isolation at the same time.

They should spell read like reed and read like redd. Nah wait - other way round maybe

Do men have feelings? Are they called hemotions?

JFC. Who turned the Batshit Signal on?

Sometimes what the doctor ordered is a nice lil beige meal

what if u exploded a dracula then sowed a flesh hunk onto a frankenstein what then

during a conversation with my bestie, I had to google how much it will cost to cremate me if I drop dead while on disability, and dudes! it is only like $2300, so we totally are gonna be able to afford this if y’all pitch in.

I find it really difficult to pay prolonged attention to you when you flicker in and out of this dimension like that.