Between my bone noise alternating between marimba and claves, and my lungs making varietal accordion sounds, no-one is listening to my mixtapes.

Think I'm gonna grow out may favorite chin hair for the new year. Maybe dye it a fun color too.

Conga line in an abandoned jungle temple, setting off traps but we don't care because we're white and wearing khakis

These tits have never been calm. Nary a pill has chilled me. Not a single horse has ever been held

I don't hope for much after I'm gone, but it would be nice to have a flavor of Big League Chew named after me

how much does it cost to have godzilla stomp on you does anyone know

This New Year's I am going to drink so much Blue Curaçao I shit out an Avaturd.

Can't even get somebody to relate to my universal experiences, like the ones I did for you, and you and you and gagged the whole time

Biblically accurate slutty Jesus

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle

History repeats itself due to cognitive decline.

i probably worry too much about being bitten on the testicles by twelve foot python that came up through my toilet for a man who lives in toronto canada

I cleaned the house this morning and uncovered a smaller, angrier house underneath.

if you simply cut his middle initial in half, george w. bush sounds like a guy who's in a battle against pubic hair

it's gotten to the point where you can't even burst into dance without someone thinking you're doing the latest viral challenge

Alvin and the Chipmunks voice: 🎵 Christmas, Christmastime is near Time for drugs and time for fear 🎶

Me, during Zoom meeting: I want to eat the constellations. My boss (eyes turning black): You'll have to kill them first.

I'm pretty good at getting thanked for the reminder.

4yo: try this special drink I made, dad Me: I think the fuck not

There's just something about primal fear chasing you through the woods that stop to face it cannot slay with at lore and tell

It must be so weird to be a guy and have to decide what you're gonna do every time you use a toilet. Me, I just sit down and whatever happens, happens.

I've prepared the ceremonial pool of lime jello. Jump in at your leisure.

sometimes I’ll just grab a fuckin orange and make juice with my mouth idgaf

The easiest way to put yourself in someone else's shoes is to rob them.

It’s the ephemeral in a convenient one-two punch format.

Me: but the voices just don't stop Therapist: those are people. They're allowed to talk.

Forget the sexual situations and coarse language, someone should’ve warned me about the catchy theme music

Blood bound by the murmuring earth.

wakes up from a nightmare conversation

There’s more to the roller rink than just their ATM

forming a coalition to stop hammer time

Compass sounds like two bodily fluids. The sisters forbade them.

Glenn Danzig fingered me in the Flying J bathroom just East of Omaha after losing at a game of tiddlywinks back in 1992.

Welcome to my home. I'll show you around and introduce you to my various piles

*puts milk for Santa back in the attic*

The undeniable odor signaling that somewhere, an orange has turned evil.

I don’t ask AI anything so would you ask 4 me if it feels like a slave being used by people against its will

Can metamorphosis change your luck. I have no idea but I already feel like a new million bucks regurgitating this silk robe I swallowed from a casino

Got my mom some clothes she'll never wear for Christmas so she can see what it feels like

Season's greetings from the sentient sludge at the bottom of the Mariana Trench.

I’m so confused can anyone just tell me if this is a day-drinking day

Jamiroquai is technically a type of Santa. Has a beard. Wears a silly hat. Isn't bound by the conventional laws of physics when traversing his environment.

wonder what would happen if i held onto a thought long enough to think it

ethically sourced* *found on a body I innocently came upon in a forest

The most comforting thing about physics is that it explains what you're doing there without all the what am I even doing here

Have a presence so looming, children flinch when they see you.

It was the evening after And all through the house We were back to being morose And listening to Bauhaus

People who notice cool birds are better lovers everybody knows that

Sorry I replied to your exclamation of happy holidays with a full throated primal scream.

Mashed potatoes and gravy on a paper plate ain’t for the weak.