Some may find a hotel where you hear every single flush a bit too intimate.

When you think about it, we are all just tiny dots on a little spinning rock rotating around a small star that contains most of the mass in our entire solar system and that's just molehill in the universe. What I'm saying is you better be nice to me or T H E V O I D H U N G E R S F O R F L E S H.

Cut off my nose to spite my face and well, yes, actually my face is quite angry about it and also now bleeding rather profusely.

I got banned from McDonald’s for using necromancy to stage a battle between the quarter pounders and McNuggets

My five-year goal? To become just famous enough that Garbage Pail Kids make a card about me.

Something happened, and I said that, yup, that's how that happens. Then I felt for some reason what I said was important enough to write down.

They should make a historical Transformers where they turn into windmills and water wheels.

pop quiz: netanyahu is a war criminal and we are funding a genocide. a. TRUE b. REAL TRUE c. ALL OF THE ABOVE

Don’t want to fuck up bird migration. No outside lights for me tonight. Only inner light. I just ate a lightbulb

the nation is being run by people who used to microwave their hamsters

There's a point in every journey where you know the next step should definitely be laying prone.

I only drink sake when it's called For Fuck's

Another day, another *flatlines*

It's Friday. How many fruit fly eggs did you eat this week?

Seeing the absolute dicks running this country's highest offices causing chaos and irreparable harm has made me super vigilant in making sure the two small white dudes I have to raise don't turn out to be anything like them

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you're good at it or not.

The worst thing about consuming your twin in the womb is that you'll never eat anything that delicious ever again

normally i'm a pretty committed atheist but i could be convinced to wrestle seriously with the idea of god if there were enough pudding in the ring

As someone who suffers from a clinical fear of goblins, I guess I'll just shut myself down for the next two months so you can all have your little fun.

Sitting on the porch all day peeling and pitting a whole family size bag of peanut m&ms

Doctor: Read the chart for me. Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation? Doctor: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

Shop like a billionaire (pay a morally compromised doctor to harvest stem cells from your children)

Was deadheading zinnia & cosmos for seed, sizing them up & down, sorta saluting them for measure, & defiantly standing on my tippy toes like, “no no that’s not possible—you can’t be as tall as me”

Shop like a billionaire (order human skin covered tomes off the dark web).

me: i think i'll try this new recipe i saw on tiktok tonight four-eyed cormorant squawking cacophonously as it strips my potted ficus completely bare: the blood price must be paid

All I ever wanted to do is compose the perfect lyrics for couples roller skating but I was cursed to believe that skating backwards is supernatural

If I won the lottery, I'd still ride the bus. But I'd also own the bus and not let anyone else ride.

blundstones imply the existence of sharp sticks

I AM AN ADULT I SHOULD NOT HAVE A SPECIFIC BEDTIME

when you write poetry on bsky you become insufferable in real life

when meeting an annoying child its important to help them become even more annoying to dunk on the next generation

It's definitely a spirit because everything has one. The noises have some, the blur behind you in the mirror sometimes, and even this very conclusion, self-sufficient with spirit. Have you always had trouble with the spirit of introductions "Hi I'm an essay with just an ending"

i hope ads can feel how much i hate them

The neurologists think they're so much better than me just because they went to brain pervert academy.

Pierce Brosnan and Helen Mirren in “The Professor and Mary Ann: 1999”

You’re in a group setting and somebody gets introduced to you by just their last name and it’s like no, I’m not gonna be doing that.

now that the dust has settled on the kirk shooting and with the benefit of hindsight and the kimmel thing playing out i sure hope bluesky's leadership is asking itself why their mod team so instinctively behaved exactly the way this fascist administration wanted them to before even having been asked

[At my performance review] Boss: please stop pushing my things off the desk like a cat.

ever eat a kid’s meal at a restaurant, then get beat up by their parents

Doctors don't follow people around and hit them with a stick when they're dumb anymore, and I think it's sad.

If you're not funny, I want you to know every joke I ever make is a direct attack on you

Me: Hey I got you a new scratching post so you can stop destroying the couch (My cat chuckling with one paw on my shoulder): "oh heavens no. nonononono, haha. nooo."

"You are wickedness, you are jealousy, you are envy, you are hatred," he whispered. He snapped the red cloth of the miniature muleta, teasing a tortured salvo from his prey. "Olé!" "Are you jerkin' in there again goddamnit?" The man in the stall next to him had no idea the dragon he had awakened.

GO AHEAD AND CONTACT YOUR OMBUDSPERSON, KEVIN. I'LL WAIT. (me not understanding that an ombudsperson is not like an Oompa Loompa)

For many years after watching Home Alone I believed Buzz's girlfriend was named Woof. I grew up watching Teen Wolf and his best friend is named Boof, (pronounced not like Woof) people were on lots of cocaine and Wolf Scott was hot wait what

it’s about to be high skin shedding season in the northern hemisphere so make sure you bring your burlap dead skin sack to all functions

*goes back in time to warn everyone that in 2025 we ask each other things like, “are you depressed because of the world or just regular depressed?”*

"touch grass" is an awful rude thing to say to somebody who lives in the downtown area of a city. I'm not taking public transportation to go touch grass in some poorly kept park because you don't like my taste in posting Jeffrey

A coyote shatters the half-moon quiet of the night. It is a call so primal, so wild and so free, that our pup momentarily lifts her head from her favorite pillow and makes yum-yum noises as she licks her groinal region

In the 70’s, men grew their sideburns long enough to shelter orphaned fawns. Women stropped jello knives on their own palms. It was bitchin. Our ashtrays were shaped like kidneys