The weed should be complimentary at this point.

Bluesky is just Twitter’s retirement community

There’s a side of me that few people get to see. *deploys mace*

could you pick your toilet out of a lineup for $1000

now, more than ever, we need an ominous giant head to appear on all screens worldwide and declare in a deep voice that our planet is going to be devoured

I’m thinking about faking a mental illness so all of my responsibilities will be taken away.

hi kids? do you like violence? wanna use commas where questions should be? i did

They have officially declared the war, which is ongoing with no end in sight, officially over and also not a war.

I don’t like the term substance abuse, because I treat all of my substances lovingly.

Unread all the words that ever were until we are all once again just primordial muck.

WIFE: he calls blueberries “bloobs” DIVORCE LAWYER: my god

I’m going to start calling it a “menty breakdown” to make it sound cute.

sorry i’m late boss daylight was beating the shit out of me with its bare hands

BYOB..bring your own back scratcher.

(painfully dying of measles on the oregon trail) I hope measles never goes away. I hope it lasts forever

Doctor: What’s your blood type? Me, confidently: Red.

Not to sound prideful or hubristic but I think I’d make a really good God. Definitely better than the God we’ve got.

Just tried to look up a definition by tapping on the word in a physical book.

It’s amazing how quickly I can change from liking someone to wanting to see them burn in a fire.

It's international women's day so if I've ever made you laugh you owe me an international woman

If you mail some teeth to the courthouse, they'll excuse you from jury duty

classing up “junk in the trunk” and calling it “loot in the boot”

My life went off the rails in kindergarten.

You expect me to eat chia seeds?? The same seeds I use to grow my pets?

I consumed a fruit or vegetables today please clap

today is a great day to eat some pussy

People won’t sit next to me in church if I smell like dog ass.

fuck it i’ll eat a tide pod idc anymore

my last name begins with a P so if i were a lawyer, i would have to find two people whose last names begin with B and J.

that moment when you find yourself explaining that a lot of people are kinda dumb 𝘵𝘰 someone that's kinda dumb.

can i just reincarnate as a dog already please

I'm on a lot of drugs, but they're doctor drugs and they're no fun at all.

McDonald’s should be allowed to sell liquor. “I’ll have a large McChardonnay, please.”

I think Bluesky gets a bad rap, I mean, it's horrible everywhere.

Why do stains wash out of cloth napkins but not the rest of the laundry and is it sorcery

When I die, I’m donating my boobs to science. These puppies deserve to be studied.

we’re 85 seconds to midnight on the doomsday clock and we’re still doing spring forward??

What fresh hell is this? - me, taking hell out of a Tupperware container.

I’m turning 40 later this month. It’s magical because the brain quietly deletes the file labeled “impress strangers” and you start saying things like: “No, I’m not going out tonight.” “That sounds loud.” “Let’s eat at 5:15 so we beat the crowd.”

It’s the same for me every St. Patrick’s Day…I end up covered in leprechaun jizz.

The pressure to forgive people who've hurt you, simply because they're related to you, is complete and utter bullshit.

You are either a “use the oven as storage” family or not a “use the oven as storage” family.

FIRST PERSON TO SEE A SUNRISE OVER THE OCEAN: wow look at that sun of a beach

Politicians getting indicted make me horny, so get on that pronto.

everything went downhill after the dinosaurs died

Cuba?! Cuba?!?! We haven’t even finished the War on Christmas!!!

I remember that time I got into Harvard. You would think they would have better security.

Well, gas is expensive, and food is expensive, and we’re doing a war nobody wants, but at least there are no jobs