My New Year’s resolution is to learn how to say “Leave me the fuck alone” in as many languages as possible.

in 2026 i resolve to get even sleepier

if social media has taught me anything... i’m unaware of it

Sometimes when I’m feeling reckless I’ll wipe in the opposite direction.

Forcing 300 heads of cabbage through my neighbor's letterbox for reasons unclear even to me

All I want 4 Christmas is divine retribution

Thank you for not including a letter with your Christmas card, recapping your family’s year, because nobody gives a shit.

When the soap dispenser precums on you

I actually haven’t heard of elf on a shelf you presumptuous bitch

pocket size theremin for my pocket size rock ballads.

My end-of-year review at work is coming up next week. I really need to fuck shit up so we’ll have something to talk about.

going on a stupid little walk for my dumb mental health

Inside of me there are 6 geese a laying

Pre-gaming in preparation for my annual holiday blackout.

Let’s get drunk and start a Roxette tribute band

I don't know. Circling the drain sounds like a lot of work.

night terrors are such a great bridge between the terrors of yesterday and the terrors of tomorrow

Imagine having the audacity to think anyone deserves a “special” place in hell. It’s ordinary hell for everyone!

I went to a party once and got really high. Later I got in a cab and thought the cab driver was Stevie Wonder. Me: Holy shit, Stevie! You can’t drive! Stevie: Well, right now you can’t either so we’ve got something in common, bitch. Me: Alright, let’s go.

I can be optimistic, but never when the world is looking.

I'm on my fourth martini and don't care

Every December I pretend to be Jewish just so I don’t have to go along with all this Merry Christmas crap.

picking my favourite flavour tums out of the bottle like they're froot loops

So many robots to talk to and maybe I'm projecting like a clunky radio but they're digging my freaky voice in their disco

Maybe my potential needs to live up to me for a change.

I once got a ride from a dude who opened his van door and said, “the raccoon could bite you, avoid eye contact,” but I got in.

This edible tastes like I’m not going to give a shit either way.

Let’s dress up like hookers and go to Glamour Shots.

Try walking faster next time, ya big baby. - me, after running over another pedestrian.

That’s me in the corner. I’ll be here until the paint dries.

Horror movie idea: Literally exactly as things are right this moment.

These Christmas decorations are very flammable. - me, as Walmart is being evacuated.

If you wake up too early you should get a breakfast for each hour you didn't get to sleep. Several should be cake.

2026 is gonna be my year.

How the Grinch wants to fuck you like an animal

I thought I was filled with the Christmas spirit. Turns out it was just gas.

Everything sucks. Let’s do it again tomorrow.

[getting dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN'T A SPICE EITHER!!

5 hour meeting at work today. I tried to break up the monotony by applauding at random intervals.

i think my fairy godmother is an absentee parent

I'll air quote your "name" in a argument to show I'm winning.

My doctor says I have the blood pressure of a man half my age and already dead.

If you’re not in my circle of friends, then you must be in my parallelogram of enemies.

It’s weird how Wednesday and Thursday deliver the same amount of terror.

“Find your friends” Um, we are here to get away from those people…

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I’m like hey, cute shoes bitch.

Hear me out: every adult in the country takes a near fatal dose of hallucinogens at the exact same time. Then we see where we're at.

How to have good hair: - Have whatever hair, even bad hair - Walk around like you have that hair on purpose

I’ll never afford a home with a water feature.