Me: *looks at Twitter for the first time in over a year* Also me: Yeah…bad idea!

I make it a point to show anyone who says "You're better than that" just how wrong they are.

I think word is getting around the raccoon community that I’m the best marshmallow dealer

I don't know who needs to hear this, but... Never mind. No one really needs to hear this

teddy ruxpin should have killed us all long ago

I’m as rare as a puppy with depression.

All you need is love. And $2 million dollars. Which makes the love thing easier to get.

Not now babe, I'm sorting my pills for the week

The only thing social media has taught me is that many people are undiagnosed.

I’m thinking of changing my user name to Mammaries McPhallus to sound more respectable.

the cool side of the pillow just tried to sell me drugs

Haven’t been there. Haven’t done that.

I think if I stopped making bad decisions I would wink out of existence.

Can I come over and check your tire pressure

anagrams should be messages delivered only by girls named Ana

I’ve been told I’m just like my grandmother. That’s just great. I’m gonna grow an 80 pound squash and talk about it for the next fifty years.

Just read the Comey indictment, and it is brutal. Some of the allegations: - never puts shopping cart back in designated cart return area - takes too many napkins from pizza parlor napkin dispenser - lied about having seen "Titanic" to fit in He won't beat the charges this time.

Babe, can you make sure my bib is tucked in regularly when they strap me to a dolly and wheel me to a facility?

they just don't pause the plot of an episode of tv to show you a man playing a full saxophone solo like they used to

Bill Hater > Bill Hader.

Books, music, food, art if you like any of these, there will always be someone who thinks you don’t like them the ‘right’ way it’s always fascinating behavior to me

Imagine sleeping with me WRONG! I sleep with 15 stuffed animals. You're sleeping on the floor

Eating a donut with the frosting side down to indicate that I am in distress

Your medieval torture device is tearing this family apart

a cup of coffee so good, you tell the cat ☕️ 🐈‍⬛

the best part of waking up is the baking up

Most people don’t like the idea of growing old but I’m really looking forward to being a complete burden.

If your happiness is fleeting, clap your hands.

I’m feeling very nervous and uneasy. Somebody hand me a ballroom.

I've got to stop using big words in front of my wife to make myself seem more wherewithal; she knows what they mean

I would make a great tree because I mainly just hang out and murmur to myself

What would David Bowie do

there should be a hockey player whose last name is puppy

*awake at 4am* I wonder what kind of porn Martha Stewart likes?

I don’t mind dating older guys as long as they remember my name and where we parked.

If people don't like you, that's ok. If dogs don't like you, then it's time for some self-reflection.

I could be inside your house right now, you don’t know.

Websites that demand I turn on cookies before I can see their stuff are cordially invited to boil their own heads.

It’s ok to flirt, none of this is real

I’m all tucked in and ready for a restful night of overthinking.

I tried to pay for a tank of gas with a Klondike bar. The guy at the counter considered it for a second.

I am not wearing the right underpants to be experiencing this level of alienation.

We’re living in times where single curse words just don’t cut it. You’ve got to start Frankenstein-ing them. AKA fuck nugget, douche nozzle, shit goblin...

I wish they cared this much about shootings when it happens to children at school.

That looks like a problem for someone else.

I’d be honored to leave you for dead.

Today's episode is brought to you by the word "Staged."

Remember how less than three weeks ago the president threatened to kill an entire civilization

A guy my age called me a young man on the jobsite last week so I reflexively asked him if he’d buy a case of Schlitz for me and my friends

Well, the good news is most of us won't die from thinking too much.