cant say the ten years of ballet as a child were a total waste. im really good at the polka.

They say laughter is the best medicine but weed is way up there too.

Ever notice how people talk to muppets like the puppeteer isn’t there?

how many bones could a boner bone if a boner could bone bones

excuse me but my tits are not now nor will they ever be calm

Feed cleanse 🥰🥰🦦

babe u would be so good at getting eaten by a predator

My nightstand is filled with Little Debbie snack cakes.

Joining the general strike by not having any disposable income

I’m one reply away from being escorted off the premises.

if you see something (drugs) say something (take them)

bored pornographer: ugh this is like watching cum dry

death to fascism

People are intimidated when I pull out my velcro Spider-Man wallet.

pretty bold of you to assume I would scream for ice cream

That disappointment when an episode of the Three Stooges comes on and it has Shemp instead of Curly.

They like cops so much that all we’re getting is cops. No roads, no bridges, no school funding, no culture money, just a bouquet of different types of cops

But, I dont want to play the sane one today.

fellas, not many guys know this but being kind makes you more handsome.

Hit the ground crawling.

Getting tired of waking up

this is not what I ordered

I don’t care what the prescription bottle says, I’m having alcohol with it.

WOW, NEAT! -me when i see something neat

My apocalypse kit brings all the boys to my yard.

I’m what you would get if that tiny extra pocket on jeans became a person.

seen at 38th & Hiawatha this morning

if you get flowers for a father they’re called dadfodils

Despite their intimidating appearance, Canadian dogs are actually quite affectionate.

for a culture that despises aging we sure celebrate the passing of time a lot.

A veterinarian probably would have put him down by now.

live your life in such a way that news that you’re still alive isn’t met with a resounding disappointed groan

I logged on to hate Americans and chew bubblegum and I'm all out of bubblegum

dinosaurs probably became birds because the floor was lava

It’s funny how we have to wait almost a year before giving a shit about pumpkins again.

The important thing is to be hated by the right people

As bad as things are in America right now, it’s still not as bad as the Will & Grace episodes featuring Woody Harrelson.

I'd rather live happily ever now, than happily ever after.

i wish i could still buy things at the prices i used to complain about

I feel like the value in being named Greg is slipping

I like to celebrate important moments with confetti. Happy birthday! *confetti* Congrats on the baby! *confetti* Sorry grandma croaked. *confetti* Bummer about the herpes. *confetti*

Coexistence has been canceled.

I wonder if anyone has started making ICE-themed gay porn yet.

imagine being the parrot realizing you didn’t get invited to the mating bonanza through a wapo article

one time at nordstrom a guy was helping me in the shoe dept and it turned out he didn’t work there he was just a feet freak

the first time a skeleton hand popped outta the ground and tried to grab me was shocking but I’m totally used to it now

It’s only 15 degrees outside but there’s always that one neighbor who has to mow the lawn no matter what.

Shout out to everyone currently experiencing everything

That is disturbing…I’m in