I stand with #Tylenol.

I’m not in a weird mood, it’s a lifestyle.

If you have a bag that needs sat upon I have a cat that needs to sit on that bag.

the makers of tylenol should sue and make them prove it

the time of year for cats and bats and cats and bats and cats and bats and cats is upon us

Highway to hell? More like parkway to purgatory.

Let's pop, no talking. Sit with me. I have bubble wrap.

My girlfriend kept on asking me to go spelunking with her so eventually I caved.

Who you are when your posts get 0 likes is the real you

I’m glad Jimmy Kimmel is coming back, but Disney can still go fuck themselves.

*slowly removes baby from pelican mouth* sorry

I put baby oil on my screen so I can skeet faster.

When you're trying to come up with a fake name to tell the mall cop after he caught you stealing from Spencers

I might need legal advice here, but here's the skinny: The monkeys flung poo, and I flung my own back. Was I in the wrong?

I’m glad no one ever invented corduroy underwear.

Can we change BREAKING NEWS to HEART BREAKING NEWS already?

the last person to log off tonight is “it” I don’t make the rules

BREAKING: At Memorial Rally, Tucker Carlson Says Charlie Kirk - Who Believed That Gay People Should Be Stoned to Death, That the 1954 Civil Rights Act Was a Mistake, That MLK Jr Was an Awful Person, and That George Floyd Had It Coming, Among Many Other Horrible Things - Had “No Hate in His Heart”

If you're just going to be ridiculous I'll take my action figures and go home.

bond girls but they’re also muppets: thread

Spent the day posting "do better" under photos of people's kids on Facebook

Looks like my day is gonna be the same as yesterday: utter nothingness & brain deterioration.

Call your senators today. Tell them, "I love gambling." Then make some smooching noises. Then meow a couple times. Who knows what'll work with those clowns.

If you’ve followed me for a while, you probably know I was not voted “most likely to succeed” in high school.

I hate when cashiers feel they need to check if my money is real. If I could counterfeit money, I wouldn’t be at the Dollar Tree.

Me: **tying a noose** Therapist: That’s not what “hang in there” means.

America’s favorite CEO killer is looking kinda beefcakey these days.

Excessively large boobs are called overcapacititties.

You’re cute as a bug’s crotch. -romantic

celebrities out walking characters they’ve played instead of their dogs: thread

“Let me know if you need a napkin.” -how to respond to 99.71% of situations

Thoughts and prayers and sword wielding bears.

I think I could survive one rabie but multiple rabies would be too mich

When I find a good parking spot, I say, "Oooo a Costanza," and my kids are like, is dad having a stroke?

behind every funny man is the funny girl he stole the jokes from

Answer an unanswered text message from six years ago…just for funsies.

i’m not seeing here in the constitution where it says every single day must be insane

i hope no one ever asked jeffrey dahmer to bring finger sandwiches to the company picnic.

I assume there was also a Mrs. Big Stuff.

Bugs Bunny was my introduction to opera. Can’t say I’ve kept up with it much since.

- I love the sparkle in your eyes. - It’s anxiety.

nice try cauliflower rice. you ain’t foolin no one bitch

Stop signs could use some pyrotechnics.

You should be able to sue people for wasting your time

It’s UU vs TT in a battle of TUTUs

exact is short for exactually

When I’m at Walmart I just pretend everyone there looks like a pickle.

If naps had a taste, it would probably taste like pizza.

Corn flakes are like some sort of punishment, right?