I just want to be rich enough to hire somebody to follow me around handing me freshly cubed pieces of cheese throughout my day.

Always be yourself. Unless you can be someone better, then be them instead.

I am a scarecrow stuffed with sausage links rather than straw.

Why do they call it a tailgate party and not a swap meat?

I’m sugar and spice and everything nice. And also artificial flavors, dyes and preservatives.

"Its swimsuit season", I whisper, eating another swimsuit

inventing a time machine so i can go back 5 hours and eat that fish sandwich again

Reverse cowgirl so we can both watch little house on the prairie

If I say I’m going to be 10 minutes late, just sit tight. Those 45 minutes will be the shortest two hours of your life

Him: What are you thinking about? Me:

It's just me and my "World's Okayest Dad" shirt against the world

Happy Father’s Day I wish you irl sex

I’m not mentally ill but I tell people I am as a means of explaining my behavior.

Doorbells should be made illegal in commercials. Dog owners know what I'm talking about.

The best jokes my Dad ever created: my siblings. Happy Father's Day.

I need comfortable shoes and mind-altering drugs.

adding to my vision board: *a harmonica that looks like real corn on the cob*

Happy Father’s Day, or else!

going to the golf course to collect some dads for the day

for fathers day our whole family takes dad out to brunch and makes him pay for it

May your life be long and your lungs full of bees

It's Father's Day and the longest day of the year. That's so on-brand for the patriarchy.

My kid said to plan on not cooking dinner today so i guess we’re having Taco Bell

We, as a nation, are collectively missing a great opportunity to get RFK Jr to drink from the reflecting pool.

doctor: over the next 24 hours, collect your urine in this jug and keep it refrigerated. me: finally, plans

the brady bunch relies upon the early deaths of two parents. beneath your frivolous merriment there lies a foundation of bones

The neighbors are busy celebrating the 20th of June. 😠

Sometimes I think I'm the only reason my couch has purpose in this life.

I'm the hottest chick in my living room

“Look…I’m crazy. Ask anyone, they’ll tell you.” - the t-shirt I’m court ordered to wear.

“I think he likes you” thats nice tell him I died

I don't have enough self-esteem to have an ego.

Sad news…the tree the Keebler elves live in has been foreclosed.

i’ll try and remotely cleanse your aura for a single dollar or a cool rock

happiness is directly proportional to how much money you pretend to have everyone knows this

I feel like I should be doing white-lady things, like knitting or making a barista cry.

"fool me once" is spanish for "fool me eleven"

you can do it, i believe in you [to the mirror] not you, you're weak

"The problem with the internet is anonymity" ok but people on nextdoor are insane next to their full name and address

This is the 5th weekend in a row where I’ve pretended to drown so the hunky lifeguard can save me. He might be catching on, because today he left me for dead.

The difference between marmite and vegemite? The vegemite hangs from the 𝘵𝘰𝘱 of the cave.

Me, on House Hunters shooting a flaming arrow at a mid-century ranch style bungalow: I did it! I won! I won House Hunters!

Gay porn idea: Throbbin’ Hood.

I can’t believe I’m not butter

I should stop turning to processed cheese for comfort why won’t anyone stop me

My new bed measures my "sleep IQ" and I'm also an idiot at night

I'm so tired of seething with rage. Why can't I be seething with little baby kittens for a change?

See saw? *runs away while dodging thrown objects*

Sam and Frodo navigating the reflecting pool on their way to Mordor...