“whoever smelt it dealt it,” i say, after visibly shitting my pants in an interview

You had me at “I like a girl with personality” because I have a few.

When it’s your birthday party but someone else gets all the attention:

shooting a mosquito with a gun

I pray we look back on the Trump years as the time America dipped its toes into fascism and was like “oh fuck no”.

I love cake decorating! - me, carefully writing “I’m sorry your grandma croaked” in delicious icing.

I'm bringing sexy back, but it's just my CPAP leaking air.

I’m bringing sexy back, as well as sexy front.

If my personal data is so valuable why can everyone sell it but me?

Yes, I reposted you. But I am not in repost with you.

Achieving things is overrated.

Everybody is so desperate for that interstellar comet to be an alien ship, what if it's just cake?

I don’t think buttons are very cute. That expression should change.

Sammichgate.

i can drink a capri sun in less than 5 seconds

I sit and chat with the janitor at work every morning and he told me he doesn’t have enough money for food this month. Today I brought him a gift card for groceries and he cried. Shit shouldn’t be this way.

Chapped lip season is fun cause you get to chew off pieces of your mouth like a little snack

Here’s a picture of me looking for my patience.

If you make it to the end of Candy Crush, the prize is Wilford Brimley talking to you about diabetes.

You're officially old when she sends you a nude selfie and all you're interested in is what kind of pizza in the box behind her.

You may now resume your decline

A friend blocked me on Facebook and I realized I was only in it for updates about their dog.

Thursday? Feels like fourth Monday.

Old people are never surprised by the weather.

I think I found a new personality hiding inside my head.

Dear people who paint their houses black; congrats…your depression is worse than mine.

Does tonight’s moon have a beaver too, or is it more neutral?

(looking at eight big meatballs in the deli case) that one’s their leader

Imagine swindling the Indians out of the island of Manhattan, just to have the muppets take it some years later.

By 45, you should own a bottle of acetaminophen so big it bows the shelf in your medicine cabinet.

The revolution will be big titted

this looks like a trick daffy duck would put up to get bugs bunny into "the oval office"

in porn every time there’s a “money shot” it should just be the guy unloading a can of redi-whip

In case they forget where they are, because of all the cocaine.

Don't ask me for advice. I have a favorite serial killer.

I looked at my bank statement online. I’m afraid that my debit card has a pretty serious drinking problem.

Whatever, that beaver moon looked nothing like a beaver

*Cookie Monster clicking on "accept all cookies" so hard that he breaks another mouse*

When I said I wanted candy, I meant chocolate, not that fruit flavored shit. *deploys flamethrower*

Doctor: Are you - Me: Sexually active? Yes. Doctor: I wasn't going to ask that. Me: I lied anyway.

Chaos is my favourite word that's spelled like it means it.

White and red wine pairs well with different foods but both pair well with difficult relatives and annoying neighbors.

I’m gonna need extra strength mashed potatoes this year

Every morning I wake up and spend about 2 hours laying in bed asking myself do I really need this job?

In Hell, you are perpetually stuck between the tailgaiter and the asshole going 10 under the speed limit.

My hope is that everyone pissed off by tonight's election results has months and months of crap sleep, as I have until now Super witchy transference in effect

Guy who knew the guy Frankenstein’s dick came from seeing Frankenstein nude: “Hey is that Hank’s dick??”

[Dick Cheney's final breath] Tell my family I loved...war crimes

When i was a kid we had ONE moon and we LIKED IT

How can I be this old and not ever having heard of a beaver moon before?