Me: I have bad spatial awareness Other astronaut:

Delicious if literal: candyass

asparagus should not be able to do that

The world was a better place when we didn't know what was on everybody's mind.

There have always been trans people. There will always be trans people. The only "trans agenda" is to live authentically. Removing trans rights, banning trans people from sports, taking away care for trans people puts you on the wrong side of history. Trans rights are human rights 🩵💗🤍

What getting raptured taught me about B2B sales

If the Aliens and Jurassic Park franchises taught us anything it's that no matter how sure you are that the creature won't break containment the creature WILL break containment. Same as elections.

ATTENTION PARENTS: is your child texting about the Rapture? KNOW THE SIGNS: LOL: left on land WTF: where’s the family ROFL: rapture only for losers OMG: oh ma geddon

I dangled my arm off the side all night and the monster under the bed didn't grab me. Is it mad at me?

Get behind me, Satan. No cutsies!

“Do you want me to give you lots of attention or leave you alone?” Me: Yes.

Hobbies include looking for my phone while I am using it

In my day we crushed women on Wednesdays. Just absolutely pulverized them.

I contained multitudes yesterday; it's your turn to do it.

Guy who pronounced "architecture" as "architexture."

Wait a minute. If none of us got raptured then that means we suuuck.

Keyboard warriors imply the existence of organ necromancers, piano mages, synthesizer druids, and harpsichord clerics.

The good news is that we'll never know the truth about anything ever again

Admit it, you'd eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

Gee! There's a thirty caliber bullet hole in one of these supposedly "gently used" items! I wanna speak to the Manager!

Getting older means growing hair in weird places. Like, just last week, I spontaneously sprouted mutton chops at a truck stop in Des Moines.

Hey, everybody! There's a clearance sale at the market place of ideas!

Imagine falling in love with your soulmate and then living the rest of your life with crumbs on the butter

Get in the zone (threatening)

times have changed. you can't even hang out by a gas station smoking cigarettes and saying "you kids wanna see a dead body?" anymore

Are you even an insomniac if you're not turning in your bed like a hot dog on a roller

CHALLENGE SUSHI: AN OUTDOOR ALL YOU CAN EAT SUSHI LUNCH BUFFET THAT ONLY OPERATES DURING SUMMER MONTHS.

I have to go to a bday party for a five year old today. Please keep me in your thoughts.

Funny how the inventor of the spork rejected the name fooon

BREAKING: Now More Than Ever, Everyone is Turning Towards Losing Their Goddamned Fucking Minds

Judge: how do you plead Defendant: handsome Judge: DISMISSED

Him: Give me a smil-- wow that's a lot of teeth

FLEA: do you have a girlfriend OTHER FLEA: yeah but you don’t know her she goes to a different dog

inconvenient if literal: apple bottom jeans

Math is easy; aftermath is hard

Must be super embarrassing to be America's sweetheart

Man Spread™. It's made of man but nice on toast.

hesitantly stretching my lips in accommodation only for all of the salt water housing the goldfish that lives in my mouth to pour out from between my teeth

if somebody tried to hornswoggle me i would have a hairy conniption

Me: *takes one step outside* Mosquitoes: *start tying on bibs and opening up tiny bottles of barbecue sauce*

Him: Flash me a smile. You're prettier when you smile. I coyly part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

I think I've had enough tests of my resilience thanks

those who are appalled that anyone would mock and applaud the death of a racist bigot are the same people who openly mock and applaud brutality towards and disappearing of marginalized groups all while hiding behind the Bible, so spare me the crisis acting

Our fingertips brush ever so lightly for one brief, electric moment. Him: Your fries, ma'am

OMG

Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven? I'm an empath and I NEED TO KNOW

I like to bring a guitar with me to parties as a threat to anyone who tries to talk to me.

we’re gonna need a “joined sept 2025” labeler if we don’t have one already