If any of you babies don't want your other 61 injections I'll take them

He hat a bad day!

Someone should tell the secret service we all can totally see them

The guy who invented beef jerky must have been some piece of work.

I can either read the news or run head-first into a wall. Hard to decide really.

Challenge accepted.

Walking into the ocean sounds so relaxing right now

I presume this is the sequel to Substance (which I have also not seen)

social media is cool I guess but I kinda miss the hacky sack circle

Very touched to receive my insurance company's best New Year's wishes in their corporate email spam blast

Jacq'ing my cousteau right into the deep blue.

Did he call me "unserious"? Hold my beer hat

Walking into the ocean sounds so relaxing right now

One can only hope...

Setting the "number of days without evil permeating the world" counter back to zero for the gazillionth time in a row

Caution: opera singer crossing ahead

Life hack: be born rich

sorry your star wars references were lost on me, garth skywalker

M Night Shyamalangsyne?

Her eyes said no but her eyebrows said SURPRISE

Beach that makes you auld by M. Night Shyamalan

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

Still writing "who uses checks anymore??" on all my checks

Happy New Years! 🥳

🤣 After seeing the state of some of my other half's attempts... they do be able to scream that.

"New year, new me", I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

Her forehead said nothing because of Botox.

Her eyes said no but her eyebrows said SURPRISE

nobody will tell you this but you don't need to have an opinion on anything at all you can just like breathe deeply and eat tacos

lunch goals

me: please don’t judge me four horsemen: *shrugging* it’s what we do me: *laying naked in a tubful of hot dog water* oh well

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite song about how people will only love you if you're useful.

In a Ramen Room With triangle curtains Near the station

how much does it cost to have godzilla stomp on you does anyone know

Boooooooooo (complimentary)

Caution: room is rapidly filling with ramen

It turns out that your coworkers will get incredibly mad at you if you stop counting at ten even if there was no eleventh or twelfth item in the stack

All I want for Christmas is a look at the naughty list.

Every time they get to the "dashing through the snow" part I whisper "why thank you"

I'm laughing because I have to buy myself an orange every year for Yule, because nobody else remembers that tradition.

The older I get, the more I sympathize with the Grinch hating all the noise, noise, noise, NOISE

Please 😭

People always posting *how* to make a figgy pudding but never asking *why* you'd make a figgy pudding... Sad. 🍮

I for one never asked for a live action Grinch

I hate Boxing Day. Too violent.