would be funny if Iran was like "sorry, we can't negotiate this weekend. we've got a wedding to go to"

USPS said I'd get 2 packages today and I've received nothing. Why must they toy with my emotions

[me, getting stabbed to death in 19th century London] ugh, more like Jerk the Ripper

them: you'd be surprised me: it's 2026, nothing going to surprise me

for sale: clown shoes, worn out.

There's an ELO song perfect for every human emotion

The wolves inside you are asking why everything has to be a joke all the time

the first rule of bite club is i'm gonna bite you the second rule of bite club is watch out here come more bites

I was helping my kid with his English homework and I told him that C. S. Lewis' full name was Crime Scene Lewis and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

the unbridled sadness and despair of thinking you still have a little ice cream in the freezer but you do not because you are it the other day but forgot

"AI is a tool" yes, an absolute tool alright

harm reduction includes when you quickly move the cat off the carpet when they start making barfing sounds

if nothing we do matters, I’ve really nailed the assignment

You can just shout "my car's here" and run out of most social situations

a long time ago someone was like "i wish communicating was easier" and now if I click the wrong spot on my magic pocket surveillance rectangle, an AI agent empties my bank account

Patience is just wait-bearing.

it's useless to simply say your writing is in the 3rd person, bc the people who need to be told are the same people who don't know what that is

more like 'Dearth' Vader bc he was kind of an absentee dad amirite

the ideal social network never loads at all

one thing I will not do is complain *immediately chokes to death on the complaints lodged in my throat*

At the picnic I learned Sandra didn't share my feelings and that wasps love ham salad.

when you utter “cereal” in a hard-surfaced room

Canadians, if it helps, there's a form on the page where all you have to do is fill in your name, email, postal code, etc and it'll be sent to your local MPP. It's incredibly important that you speak up on this matter because this is a road we do not want to go down.

I GET LOGGED OUT. BUT I LOG IN AGAIN

Bitter? No, no, no. I genuinely don’t like you.

no, YOU post too much

promise me you’ll only repost my bangers after I die

The world may never know what my problem is

most people don't know this but dogs lose the ability to communicate verbally if they don't get enough bark

today is Victoria Day, when Canadians celebrate Posh Spice by marrying a rich footballer

Hope you find an intriguing scab on your head today

If I ever got stuck in quicksand I’d act like I was slowly walking downstairs

going down my LinkedIn feed commenting "don't care, didn't ask" on every post

My kid just announced: “I will NEVER get into a relationship with a man with a ponytail.” Looks like my job here is done.

The elephant in the room is crushing my whole body but I'm still not going to address it.

At wet t-shirt contest Participant next to me: "dude, what are you doing?" Me: *eating another wet t-shirt* "mind your fuken business, loser"

I, too, like to hold people in contempt, your honor

Speaker Mike Johnson says that he and his fellow members in Congress can’t live on $174,000 per year. nobody said we wanted people like you to live, Mike

Things were going poorly, but I was confident I could make it worse.

It's hard to be happy these days knowing that a lot of hippos go to bed hungry hungry.

Lions do not concern themselves with the inevitable karma coming for their ops

Hiding a fake mole to test my dermatologist

I have to say, they really do go well with the second floor.

*taking a pill every 30 seconds until someone on the zoom call says something*

A four word horror story: white conservative rap battle

oil prices getting so high you can't even afford to gas up the homies anymore

Now let's do a silly one - Picasso before every portrait

eye doctor: I recommend progressive lenses 45 yo white person: can I just have moderate lenses instead?

guy who always has a partially-used paper towel in his pocket for some reason

I wish I could be as good at anything as the guy in Switzerland is at poking holes in cheese.