*sigh* I guess I can't post fast enough to ignore it. Max had his last vet appointment yesterday, and on the plus side he didn't have to get his nails trimmed, which he hated. there will never be another one like him.

i love making chicken/veggie stock bc it's like making a preliminary soup that you use for real soup later out of the stuff that didn't make the cut for the starting lineup soup.

that hand tho

when someone does you dirty in traffic it honestly helps so much if another driver sees it and shows disapproval by shaking their head or scowling

when I hear right vs left talking points, it sounds just like an episode of Couples Therapy. the guy is like “I think I should be able to do whatever I want, and think it’s right to hold her to a different set of rules” and she is like “I will stay and fight for this until he admits I'm a person”

RIP Dick Cheney, he would have loved unitary sandwich theory

I just put "a young 49" for my age on a medical form

everyone relax rfk jr was simply running to go get his chainsaw

ACAB includes the sample lady at Costco telling me I've taken enough spinach sausage rolls

on facebook everyone is fighting a battle they won’t fucking shut up about

them: iykyk me: what?

tom brady shouldn't have cloned his dog. he should have cloned my dog instead

If you make it to the end of Candy Crush, the prize is Wilford Brimley talking to you about diabetes.

I don't want to "drill down," or "circle back" I want to go to sleep on the floor

Me: *telling cute new young guy about my hobbies* Cute New Young Guy: what's minesweeper

black forest ham, dark fortress chicken, cursed talisman turkey

my first thought: the Key to the city of Miami is probably a brick of cocaine

Im going to go to an open mic night and only tell knock knock jokes until the crowd starts throwing tomatoes and a large hook drags me off stage

sometimes I start a post, then think: “no, Nate. you've done enough today.”

Sick and tired of this no grandma culture, man. This memawless society.

children are a gift. though sometimes, they're the type of gift that barfs in bed at 5am

Right about now, the honk shoo brother

The First Mathematical Church welcomes everyone, because it is the lowest common denomination.

At an awkward age: old enough to be grumpy at the noise of fireworks but I still can't avoid going woooooo every time

I kiss my biceps after each skeet

am I smarter than a 5th grader? buddy, I'm not even smarter than me when I was in fifth grade

I just read that this full moon will bring tons of money to Pisces, so yeah, my time has come. Totally unrelated, I’m not a Pisces. But I read it, so it counts.

I've spotted a large Muppet in the wild. I'm going to try and pet it, maybe feed it some trail mix.

Super Beaver Moon, I presume?

I was helping my son with his english homework and I told him that a smidgen was a small pigeon so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Chaos is my favourite word that's spelled like it means it.

VOICEOVER: in the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate, yet entirely opposite, groups: the police, who are afraid of sandwiches, and sandwich wielders, armed with food consisting of two pieces of bread filled with meat, cheese, and vegetables. these are their stories.

There’s a difference between iced coffee and the coffee you left on your desk since 6 am and decide to drink at 11am.

Do I have the bandwidth for this project? What am I a wifi router?

A Thumbtack service where I've learned how to reset the clock on everyone's off brand stovetop and I only work 2 weeks a year

someone who fraudulently misrepresents themself as being good at standup's favorite font is Comic Shams

I'll never forget my dad's last words: "It's way past Halloween. Why's this caution tape still on the elevator?"

As you go to work today to start another week, it may help to remember that Skeletor was often thwarted by his own inept henchman too

I thought they said they're putting me in witness protection but it turns out it was witless protection. yeah these guys are complete idiots, some guy named Tony found me in like 3 days

So we calling it a Mamdate right

shit posting for freedom

remember “freedom fries?” much chiller times we just didn’t know wtf

There is a distinct cultural gulf between earls in royalty and earls in arkansas

Make life more interesting by being the most absolutely batshit crazy version of you.

Imagine a cobra out in the wild, starving and pissed, then he hears a flute and goes, "Damn, that’s my jam!"

I broke up with my farmer boyfriend. I wrote him a John Deere letter

this is weird is it ok to have hope i think it’s ok to have hope at least for a day

It’s not just a baggage claim. It’s a baggage FACT.

I wish we could spread out all the good things happening today so we can save some for other, worse days

chill out man, we already said we'd vote for him