morning headache like I was swept up in the rapture but St. Peter gate-checked me and I flew cargo

in an alternate world Canada develops a rich tradition of animated shows called Canime

maybe they meant Canadian Rapture, which happens in October

i’m so old, i remember when going on the internet made you smarter

‘Thriving in Ambiguity,‘ a reality TV show about your new office job

evangelical websites to implement RAPTCHA, which verifies you're saved (checks for direct deposit tithes)

despite all my sage I am still just a witch not a mage

as soon as i loosen this belt it's over for you britches

one small step for healing, one giant leap for whatever

with a little love we can make this amazon warehouse an amazon warehome

the closest thing to world peace is a cup of tea in a touristy Canadian gift shop

What’s that old saying — Feed a fever, starve a dictator

In Swedish, a word for what you eat to bridge the gap between meals (or while waiting for the main course to cook) is stödmacka. It means "support sandwich." A similar word in Norwegian is ventepølse, or "waiting sausage."

I’d love to do that 5k with you but I yeeted my runners over the nearest power line

life really opens up once the font size on your phone is set as large as possible

calling them "chick peas" is sexist, which is why I call them ladybonzo beans

There's a service dog in this restaurant and he's terrible. Hasn't even refilled my water glass once.

87% of any social interaction is spent wondering what to do with my arms.

the Masticator was a popular table utensil with Victorians who had few natural teeth and I wish it was still available at second rate steak houses

in every home with more than one cat, there is one who wants nothing but to be left in peace, and one who is dedicated to making sure that never happens

70% of the time when something explodes in the microwave I deserve it.

my fear of heights is offset by my fear of disappointing my family

As an American, I get a little excited when I see someone spelling with the extra U (colour, flavour, etc) because it typically means they're not American and fuck that's hot right now.

What if we kissed in the back seat of a cop car after getting arrested for being antifa?

Donair or Donotair that is the kebabtion

...and in related gnus, some wildebeest held a family reunion today.

*asleep and mumbling* i think the plural is Y'allgoslavia

My son mentioned that I have developed a double chin, which isn’t great news to hear, but thankfully he told me to “keep my chins up” as he walked into school today

TOP 10 BEST BEANS: 10. kidney beans 9. pinto beans 8. beans on toast 7. refried beans 6. Mister Bean 5. cool beans 4. Bean Caught Stealing (Jane's Addiction only) 3. jelly beans 2. coffee beans 1. toe beans (cats only)

I woke up at 3am and I was making stir fry. Apparently I was sleep wokking.

reasons he dates me: 1) thinks it’s cute that I love the La Brea tar pits like a grownup goth 2) knows I don’t have the survival skills for the coming zombie apocalypse

feeling joy is now a subversive act, don’t let them catch you doing it my friends

her: you can't just eat meat, you need vegetables, they feed your gut flora me: but the meat is for my gut fauna

Can’t believe Lily called just to roll her eyes at me

there’s no better streak commitment than posting my cranky owl score on my professional profile

WHY WON'T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

him [suspicious]: how did you get that welt on your neck? me [removing my Wellies]: they told me to take a gander him: that looks like a hickey me [rolls eyes]: no, it’s a honky

welcome to our unboxing channel

It’s supposed to be “Rock the Vote”, not “Vote the Rock”.

It’s cute you think the disco is the only place I panic

my partner helps me do box truck breathing because I had to rent the big Ford E Series when the sprinter vans were already spoken for

We are the daughters of the Etsy witches you couldn't burn

my love language is ‘acts of waffles’

Who called her Mrs Claus and not Sleigh Queen?

The older I get the more I enjoy a good broth

little known fact: ancient Egyptians worshiped Max, the god of funerals, protector of graves, producer of 3AM poops

Republicans will blame immigrants for everything, but stay silent on white supremacists, Jan 6th rioters, and school shootings. If y’all really cared as much as you claim you do, you’d call out all threats to our communities—not just the ones that fit your agenda.

slaughterhouse documentary called Apocalypse Cow