alice in wonderland but it’s me going down the 3am internet rabbit hole

Me: ...I'm so bad at picking up hints, but if somehow eventually I do, by that point they seem to have lost all interest, or at least, I think they have but maybe I'm just missing something else - Cupid: [notches arrow] I NEVER do this, but this one's for the kill.

Paint me like one of your melting watches.

"Your response to stimuli is stimuli to me" that's so seductive but I assure you I can silent disco without the cap guns

why do storks only bring babies why can’t one bring me a cannoli

Heard someone say cutting cakes in triangles makes them spoil. As if there were actual people who don’t just eat the whole cake in one go.

Smart posts? Nah. I just set the bar low then clear it with style.

Listening to someone complain non-stop, fully aware they are the problem, is my new cardio.

*uses McDonald's biscuits to patch drywall*

capn crunch never graduated from the naval academy so he’s actually just petty officer crunch

when i found that our custard-like dessert had gone bad it was very off-pudding.

um

Claude's heart was never in the art game because he was all about that Monet.

*getting hit in the face with a shovel My god, I love you.

Conquer the world? Buddy, I’m lucky if I can get out of bed two days in a row.

Can't come into work today, i sustained a football injury last night (the ball of my foot is sore)

Sometimes I'll sit and contemplate the meaning of life and other times I'll wonder if the plural of manatee is 'manatees' or 'menatee'

This reality is far too real for my liking

Floccinaucinihilipilificating is easier done than said.

Courtney Love never played with her idols, Ann & Nancy Wilson. now there’s a Hole where her Heart used to be . folks,,

i have a favorite mailbox. hi! im 90 years old in this post

In Words With Friends Jedi is not an acceptable word but Sith is. Beginning to understand how Mace Windu and Yoda never saw it coming.

I like to think outside the box (coffin).

Why are you all following back bots? Fake plants don't need to be watered.

You need a better safe word on Main

Should I start to worry if the gooey substance leaking through my walls is whispering in Latin?

A powdered wig on a barrister but the powder is cheeto dust

In a parallel universe I'm living everything the same after the cross-universe lawsuit about keeping backup files

Storks are terrifying. If one dropped a baby on my doorstep, I would drown that unnatural, demon given thing.

Furiously whispering the alphabet to myself before I get out of the car to go to work so I don’t fuck them up again

Big news: I just successfully took delivery of a package without talking too loud or saying "very thanks" or inexplicably trying to shake hands with the delivery guy

I get to the interplanetary brunch, and my friends all look at me, the sole Earthling at the table. One asks, "How are you holding up there, buddy?" “We've all been thinking about you…,” says another.

Continuing to ignore the demands of my body in favor of the luxurious and creamy tinnitus tones emanating from this garage sale statuette. Can’t stop laughing!

Are you there, Margaret? It's me, god. WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK IS GOING ON DOWN THERE?

oh no, I did it again 🥺

If I’ve learned one thing from Only Murders in the Building, it’s that rich people, who don’t think they are rich people, murder each other constantly

AirBnB implies the existence of EarthBnB, WaterBnB, and FireBnB.

Do AirBnB hosts actually make their guests breakfast? Cause I get the feeling they're all actually just AirBs...

Please check on your loved ones this holiday season if they’re using hallmark movies as anything other than the equivalent of a TV yule log they are broken inside

You have 2 days to take your soul out of the freezer if you want it to thaw by Thanksgiving

Describing something as being on its last legs implies that legs are expendable and they are lost with age. I can only assume, therefore, that the phrase was coined by millipedes. Millipedes do not shed legs with age, but they could afford to lose a few. Imagine a 3 legged millipede...

someone jazzily plucking a double bass while i list off my various grievances

my Chicano studies degree involved so many essays

Department of War implies the existence of Department of huh, yeah what is it good for

kept all the receipts from this year to show my kids i already bought them their gifts

Gonna run away to Europe and live that surrealist life....buy a tiny car and fill it with cabbages, have dinner parties where I serve my guests omelets stuffed with my hair, have puffer fish floating in the air all around my garret apartment

Is it possible to die from having to listen to someone humming constantly? I’m beginning to hope it is.

Somewhere in the vast indifferenceness of dressing up words with little additions is a new kind of fix that hits hard, an end in progress. Like endeding. Startinged. It makes more sense if you're waiting for a book cover to make the first move

[watching murder documentary] Her: That’s not how I would have done it. Me: *never sleeps again*