Due to inflation, Dire Straits is re-recording “Money for Nothing” as “Nothing for Money.”

Since Meta is going to start using AI to generate a virtual profile of me, I'm considering posting nothing on Facebook but James Joyce-level nonsense and interacting with a completly random and contradictory selection of posts. Let's see how surreal I can make the AI algorithm before it breaks.

Going into the office while everyone has a cold to hear the cacoughony

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a heated argument between warring factions.

I will eat the house dressing, I will drink the house wine but I cannot stomach the House Speaker.

Finn, the feral rescue cat is a tad pissed at me. He caught a chipmunk and I made him let go. The chipmunk hauled ass and escaped. That look Finn gave me was chilling.

I just started casually reading a book about male bighorn sheep, but I got sucked in, so now I am on a ram page.

She's my goof.

Moody with the hint of don't look at me.

Shall I compare thee to a winter's night? So dark, so cold, and full of spite.

my friend, Dee Hydrated, is always thirsty. also she keeps posting sexy pics online wtf

Miles Standish was not only the military leader of ye pilgrims but also a pioneer in modal jazz

“Hello, my little friend.” “Um, hi.” “See that lady holding the camera?” “Yeah?” “She leaves for work in an hour.”

and will it fit in a kia

Let's let bygones be blood feuds.

Someday*, we’ll look back on everything that’s going on in America right now, and say, “What in the actual fuck?” *today

ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to circle the block for parking

I've spotted a large Muppet in the wild. I'm going to try and pet it, maybe feed it some trail mix.

I was helping my son with his english homework and I told him that a smidgen was a small pigeon so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

we gonna rock down to electric avenue where we will take it higher, charlie brown

Wonder how many days after Snow White moved out before a dwarf chucked a whistling squirrel doing dishes through an open window

If I have to step on people to get ahead, I’m not going anywhere.

If my personal data is so valuable why can everyone sell it but me?

Saw someone with the same teeth as me at the coincidentist.

Have you ever ended up hating a fellow shopper just because you encounter them in every aisle? Grocery store entanglement is a bitch.

who’s a big boy! who’s a big boy!

So why would you say it's the start of telling some jokes about hippies rather than say this is the dawning of the age of hilarious?

I just got around to asking a supply side economist what he did for Halloween. He said he took his kids Trickle Treating.

Didn't have being super high and admiring the beaver moon on my bingo card.

*my eyes darting around nervously as I surreptitiously pop open my trunk to show you the hidden arsenal of footlong subs, all of them fully loaded and toasted*

*falls asleep on my back* *wakes up due to neck pain* *rolls over to right side, falls asleep * *wakes up due to shoulder pain* *rolls over to left side, falls asleep * *wakes up to hip pain* *rolls onto back* *repeats for infinity*

When you're at a Japanese steakhouse and the Hibachi chef throws you a piece of shrimp

my biological mother asked me if i ever talk about her in therapy…bro you are the verse, the chorus, the bridge, and the refrain

a book about a lady named Diane who sells almonds online & calls her website Dee’s Nuts somebody write that down

You’ll fight me tooth and nail? Suit yourself. I’ll be using knives and guns.

COKE: is pepsi okay DR PEPPER: *removes surgical mask* we did everything we could

Entropy and decay stalk us. Relentless, inevitable. All that we love will become as dust in the wind. Scooting over to Wendy’s to get a Triple Baconator meal and a diet Coke

celebrating the end of another workweek by shifting into my weekend form of a potato as is tradition

Sure now I can watch football on an 80-inch 4k TV above the fireplace but nothing will ever top watching SCTV on my 12-inch b/w on the floor next to my bed at 1 am.

If you dislike your own post, you die irl.

my head is like a pinball game but there's a monkey with cymbals having a dance party while jumping on the bed and he fell off and broke his head, over and over. what I'm trying to say is I sure play a mean pinball

I dare that tough guy Sandwich Man to throw a double meatball sub with marinara, sautéed onions, and melted mozzarella at my mouf

Woke up early today and took Adderall so I can go back to bed and pay attention in my dreams

I'm not nearly as horny as I appear and I'm kinda enjoying that in my old age

Is the song you hear charming? It's probably Cole Porter.

Me, stopping myself as I was explaining to my younger coworkers why I have no digital pics from high school or college

[doing an icebreaker] an interesting thing about me is that i am .4 seconds away from sprinting out of this room

Me: read it again but this time do the voices Priest: Whole Congregation: VOICES! 👏VOICES! 👏VOICES!👏

my nurse today is sleepy/psycho killer, qu'est-ce que c'est?

Win every food fight by throwing dense frozen items.