If you dislike your own post, you die irl.

my head is like a pinball game but there's a monkey with cymbals having a dance party while jumping on the bed and he fell off and broke his head, over and over. what I'm trying to say is I sure play a mean pinball

I dare that tough guy Sandwich Man to throw a double meatball sub with marinara, sautéed onions, and melted mozzarella at my mouf

Woke up early today and took Adderall so I can go back to bed and pay attention in my dreams

I'm not nearly as horny as I appear and I'm kinda enjoying that in my old age

Is the song you hear charming? It's probably Cole Porter.

Me, stopping myself as I was explaining to my younger coworkers why I have no digital pics from high school or college

[doing an icebreaker] an interesting thing about me is that i am .4 seconds away from sprinting out of this room

Me: read it again but this time do the voices Priest: Whole Congregation: VOICES! 👏VOICES! 👏VOICES!👏

my nurse today is sleepy/psycho killer, qu'est-ce que c'est?

Win every food fight by throwing dense frozen items.

RORSCHACH: *rolls eyes* and what about this one GEORGIA OKEEFFE:

ME: If I'm honest, I've lived a pretty long life for someone who still gets mad at socks when they go on wrong. DESK GUY AT THE HOTEL CALIFORNIA: Ok you're all checked out and can definitely leave. ME: But I thought - DESK GUY AT THE HOTEL CALIFORNIA: Don't make me call the cops.

Art teacher: I think you've misunderstood. It's the models who will be nude. Me: Well this is awkward.

I wouldn't expect a mime to point out my faults. They're not one to talk.

me: *waxes poetic* poetic: just leave a landing strip

You had me at “I like a girl with personality” because I have a few.

Sorry meth pipe racoon, COVID herpes monkey is my new spirit animal

[speed date] me: how do you do date: do what ? me: RING THE BELL RING THE FUCKEN BELL RING THE B

I heard something on Tik Tok this morning: Don't miss someone who doesn't miss you. They have your number, they know where to find you. If they wanted to, they would. This cut me deep. Fuck

edging (hovering over “submit order” for $200 of shit i don’t need)

You think my skeets are bad? Wait until you see this email. -me, at work

I'm so glad the commercial warned not to attempt having deer, lions, nor llamas drive a car.

Walrus potato does not care for your hurtful comparison.

Grief eventually leads to joy, which you'll know when you've cried so hard your nose makes a noise just like a clown's nose being honked

Sisterhood of the travelling pants. But the pants keep coming back rather than staying with the sisters. I have tried to leave them with the neighbour. Split them in two. Run them over with a lawnmower. Now I've locked the pants in the basement but I don't know how long the barricades will last.

Plethora would be a beautiful name for quite a lot of things actually

at my divorce hearing they said we could change our names to whatever we wanted but it had to be decided before we adjourned your honor, you gotta give me a friggen heads up

I delete posts not because I am ashamed, but because it’s fun to think of some of them as limited edition

don't be that guy i say to myself

on facebook everyone is fighting a battle they won’t fucking shut up about

Going to start carrying my cell phone in this.

I might be delusional, but I think my cat is stealing my biscuits one at a time, so I don't notice

I’ve done a ton of crazy, stupid, and regrettable things. But never even in my most questionable moments have I ever found myself in a place where the ‘DO NOT ATTEMPT’ disclaimer for the dogs driving Subarus ad was necessary.

THEM: awww you have a cute red head baby ME: oh no that’s cheeto dust

Got some tuna water in an open cut, I bet I wake up with an incredibly shitty super power.

Just saw that gen z thinks using cash is cringe and it's official now, everything is cringe.

[looking back on a long and fruitful career in tech] holy shit that sucked

Would you like to stay logged in? Okay we'll log you out

Given all that has happened in 2025, I've decided not to seek recollection.

A weighted blanket, but it’s just someone dropping a grand piano on me.

if you can have your soup in a bowl made of bread why can’t I have my coffee in a cup made of cinnamon coffee crumble cake

Smart, but not enough to stop putting lotion on my hands and then trying leave the room right away. The doorknob won't turn! Stuck forever.

If I could be anyone, I would be a wizard. That way I could cast a spell on you. Not one that will make you fall in love with me, of course, since you already do. Anyway, I used magic to steal your Netflix password.

Who thought to call it a flight at a favorite brewery rather than a trial of your beers?

I’ve been on the phone for an hour and thirty five minutes. I can feel my soul trying to leave my body

I’m not a huge fan of pokémon or anything but yeah I would eat a pikachu

me: *hits the sack* the sack: ow

Most potential pet owners consider things like breeding, size, coat, intelligence, trainability, and temperament. Often overlooked is the crucially important element of aerodynamics, which can greatly affect your gas mileage, raising the overall cost of ownership significantly.

i was a regifted child