i call shotgun on the rapture

I'm ready. LFG!

ok, enough talking about the rapture right before the rapture. it's like wearing the band merch you just bought at the concert.

One thing I underestimated about the second trump administration is how many times a day I would say “ewwww”

[first day of work] me: so, when do i get to kick one? boss: we don't actually- me: how about that one? that one looks like kind of an asshole

person who’s bad at this: rapture more like capture lol person who’s also bad at this: rapture more like crapture person who’s even worse at this: rapture you mean rupture person who

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

Rapture? More like NAPTURE amirite hahah-(gets hit by rock)

so when does the raptu

I’ll be wearing my parachute pants tomorrow in case the rapture gets over crowded

*my funeral son: I guess we're going to need our own phone plan

Hear me out. RFK Jr. IS the Kennedy curse.

Hey look, it's me tryna get thru the week

*having a hot flash* uh oh, guess I’m going to the bad place

omg omg i think im being raptured nope just stood up too quickly oof nvm

And the Emmy for happiest little purr monster goes to

Nothing comforts me more on a foggy drive to work than the warmth of my check engine light

🎶 Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be fascists 🎶

Have you ever seen something that isn't crazy or rare, but that you don't normally see, and then you see it several more times that day or week? Today I've seen three frogs hopping in the road, at different times, in different areas. I don't think I've ever seen one in the road. Today, three.

My voice goes up 3 octaves when I speak French, in case you want to know who's cute AF.

I like how the solution for signing online forms is typing your name, but in a cursive font.

my anxiety is chronic but my depression is clinical (and also chronic)

The break down of Hot Crossed Bun is basically: 33% Hot 33% Crossed 33% Buns    1% One a penny

Oh my Pocket Chums and Co-Humans, it has been A Most Discouraging Time every which way. I'm very fortunate and privileged to be more protected than most. We have to look after one another and ourselves. Someone pointed me to this wisdom from Timothy Snyder in his "On Tyranny":

In the BlueSky olden days we’d pack a picnic lunch on Sunday afternoons and saunter down to the mill stream to fire off bangers in our bare feet

This is what happens when you get a couple of generations away from having relatives who served during WWII,went through the Great Depression and Dust Bowl. This is what happens when you get a couple of generations away from living through Vietnam, the Pentagon papers and Kent State and Watergate.

The Tylenol autism thing doesn't even make sense with their shitty causation logic because Tylenol was widely prescribed to pregnant women in the 1950s

i can’t even imagine how many bobs had to die to harvest all that

2 for Tuesday down at the give a fuck store, and I don't have any cash.

omg omg i think im being raptured nope just stood up too quickly oof nvm

Every SCOTUS ruling feels like America slowly writing its own obituary in Comic Sans.

Can’t remember who said if you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.

if Tylenol causes autism, could i do this* *shitpost

super fun hearing my Vietnamese refugee parents talk about fleeing their own country again, very cool country we have here

my basement tapes are just the sounds I make eating burritos

sometimes i mix up know & now like im doing right know i now i now

My Boss: [patiently explaining something to me] My Brain: YOU TAKE THE GOOD YOU TAKE THE BAD YOU TAKE THEM BOTH & THERE YOU HAVE THE FACTS OF LIFE

Bugs Bunny was my introduction to opera. Can’t say I’ve kept up with it much since.

once again, the Beto has partied too hard

I’ve walked along train tracks and a river this week and did not find a dead body, TV really set unrealistic expectations for me

It's still the month of apples not the month of pumpkins.

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home: The TV remote is in the bathroom The kitchen scissors are under your kid's bed Your keys are behind the toaster And your chapstick is gone forever - give up on that one

me: *sees time on laptop* me: *checks time on iPad* me: *checks time on iPhone* me: *checks time on microwave* me: *checks time on stove* me: *checks time on watch* also me: i wonder what time it is

I bit my dentist today. Wasn't even getting a checkup at the time, I just saw him at the supermarket

We haven't seen what baby Busty is up to lately....turns out he's living the life!

i’m literally only staying alive to take care of my cats.

My cat is emotionally kneady

Noah: *designing the Ark* I’ll need a big room for poop

I feel hungover from sleeping too much and you're trying to tell me there is a god???

Get off your phone and move your fucking ass. -- me walking behind anyone ever.