I’m gonna start a cooking show where I make recipes I’ve never tried. I’m gonna call it 30 Minutes My Ass.

Is there a way to turn "Sleep Study Participant" into a full-time job?

Sorry for everything I’ve ever said and that I can’t stop talking.

pulling on the push door of life

Today a little girl told me my hair looked like princess hair, but my clothes don’t look like princess clothes and I can totally accept that half compliment.

i think everyone needs to get a lot less religious

John Wayne Gacy says Jeffrey Dahmer ‘made a killer bowl of chili’

instead of being loud, imagine being mysterious

Be the most amazing version of yourself by cutting yourself some gotdamn slack. We’re all exhausted.

I've been putting out fires with other, more intense fires.

My toxic trait is thinking I could survive The Oregon Trail

I don’t bother to make sense, that’s what instruction booklets are for.

Did a CEO draw this

Live Laugh Lose all hope in humanity

Sorry that my post was about exactly what it was about, and not what your comment tried to force it to be about. I will do better next time.

No one has bookmarked any of my skeets. There is hope for humanity after all.

I was hired for my job one year ago today. I can't believe I lasted this long. Technically my start date is my anniversary, and that's next Tuesday. So uh, C U Next Tuesday.

There’s nothing worse than nearing the character limit and being forced to cut important curse words that absolutely belong in there. Fuck the bitch dick in my eye, amirite? You know the feeling. Can’t even jackass my whore shit onto Jesus tap-dancing cock’s Christ half the time

Ladies, here's a great birthday gift idea for your man. Draw him a coupon and write on it "GUY FRIEND BIRTHDAY". Now, when your birthday rolls around, he gives it back to you and it entitles him to treat your birthday like you're one of his guy friends, meaning he doesn't have to do anything at all.

I’m watching Armageddon. And I don’t mean the movie.

the year is 2025, unfortunately

The slideshow at my funeral is going to be absolutely insane

Not today, things that I was supposed to do yesterday. Not today...

congrats to everyone just living their lives right now, incredible focus and endurance, amazing commitment to the mission. no idea how you're doing it tbh

Please join me in my quest to dislike things for very tenuous reasons.

I feel like i must have been bitten by a radioactive old man

I don’t think any amount of walking will save my mental health.

Silencing smart people so dumb people won’t be offended is like unplugging the smoke alarm so the fire won’t feel bad.

*my funeral son: I guess we're going to need our own phone plan

Every cup of coffee is a burial. Your old self dies, your new self crawls out buzzing like a caffeinated cicada.

aww babe, you knew my favorite brand of candy cigarettes

None of this was in my Magic 8 Ball.

America needs a hard reboot.

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like: “Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

Going to Venice to see if I can drown while hitchhiking.

A Graphic Guide to Cemetery Symbolism www.atlasobscura.com/articles/a-g...

satire is fed

Me, driving to work on Tuesday

I lost my phone stylus down the side of this La-Z-Boy and my vacation is ruined.

everyone’s got that one homie who carries a special coin in his pocket that he can flip to determine your fate

This day in history. 1823. The angel Moroni revealed a golden book written in Egyptian hieroglyphics to Mormon founder Joseph Smith. You can't make this stuff up but Smith could.

Making new friends in your 40s is really difficult, especially when you work remotely. School is the other place people make friends, and many people my age go to school but are seen as the old ones. Anyway, it is REALLY easy to make new friends in a psychiatric ward.

When I tell you my children were born perfect, I don't mean they shouldn't change what they were given. I'm saying they arrived with the power to discern what is right for them & follow their hearts & own judgment to be what makes them happy. So proud of my beautiful transgender kids 🩵🩷🤍

No woman here owes you anything, not even a response. Delete your account, put down the booze and talk to a therapist.

I'm pretty sure this guy in Aisle 29, who told his wife he's, "sick of her mouth," and, "fuck fixing that shed," will be available within 1 to 3 working days if it's time to change out your husband.

Can you handle a peanut butter sandwich with only peanut butter? I’m looking for tough people

First date idea: come down to the station, post my bail and I’ll buy you a coffee

I did a lot of drugs when I was younger on my way into work this morning.