We had a friend who was a "cat whisperer" and one day she met our cat: Me: Be careful. Henry doesn't like strangers. He's an asshole. Her: That's okay. I can tell he's an old soul. Hello Henry. I'm Sarah. *reaching out* Me: Don't do that! The rest was blood and screaming.

Dogs fucking love me Take that as you will

Someday you'll grow up and out of being reposted by us and just be 're-something elsed' by your peers. And you might also compare us to their reposters and realize we were kinda weird. Sorry for that, it all happened so two wolves, us flirting

Not feeling so out of place since putting white coats on all the trees and planting comically large butterfly nets around an old cartoons mental healthcare system

An itch in the ear canal in the 19th century must have maddening. No car keys.

imma write a book about philosophy & call it “I Kant. Even” or “I Used to Get High. Marx” or “For Hume. The Bell Tolls” or “Bacon & Eggs-istentialism” or “I Feel Like Thoreau-ing Up” or

Trying to watch House of Guinness on Netflix. Ever since the success of Downton Abbey, there has been a glut of badly written, period piece soap operas on the streaming services. It's formulaic and predictable. And it's obvious they have tamed all the Irish accents to accommodate American eardrums.

In 1985, $20 had the spending power of $61 today. But if you handed someone a $20 bill back then, they didn't look at it suspiciously; they just took it. Now, they scrutinize $50 and $100 bills for counterfeit like these are vast sums of money.

You can't look cool while trying to get a bat out of your girlfriend's apartment. But, go ahead, try.

No, no, I don’t need any new Halloween decor. Wait, is that ghost wearing glasses?

When I'm not here you might find me tearing it up over on Zillow or maybe crying in the bathroom.

Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, shame on me Fool me 3 times, shame on me Fool me 4 times, shame on me (Keep going, I’m really gullible)

BREAKING: Criminals Continue to Crack Down on Anyone Who Isn’t a Criminal

what doesn’t kill you, texts you 6 months later

“Even a cat can look at a king.” Cats: Can’t we just show him our assholes?

I’ve been using whitening toothpaste for so long my teeth have a trust fund and a BMW

One time I was at a bar in Prague and Johnny Cash was sitting next to a couple of huge guys who fell off their stools. He tried to help them but couldn’t, so I reached down with one arm and pulled them both up. Johnny asked “the hell are you doing?” and I said “righting Czechs your ass can’t, Cash”

It's hard to believe we lost Jim Henson 35 years ago. Out of nothing, he and his collaborators created a whole universe we didn't ask for or know we needed, but we did. He's never been replaced. youtu.be/LOBn86_DAZU?...

Me: "Sweet dog!” Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog." Me: "Still in training, huh?" Policeman: "What do you mean?" Me: "Never mind."

How I've missed out on life: "Sounds like fun. But what's the parking situation?"

The secret to my coffee? It's my special blend. Water and instant coffee.

The only thing I want to communicate in this exit interview is that I don't work here anymore.

Customs at Sydney Airport won't let you enter the country until you read and agree to their list of didgeridoos and didgeri-don'ts.

Welcome to our company website. Here's a picture of us smiling and laughing in one of our collaboration confabs. If it just looks like a business meeting and not six pals in a trendy coffee house just enjoying each other's company, our web designer has fucked up again.

I'm pretty sure this guy in Aisle 29, who told his wife he's, "sick of her mouth," and, "fuck fixing that shed," will be available within 1 to 3 working days if it's time to change out your husband.

Out behind the plastic surgeon's office, scavenging mediocre noses again.

Let me at least have a sip of arsenic before more unprecedented reveals.

Unless the bird is playing the fucking piano, I don't want music layered over bird videos.

Morning nibbles.

I make a tasty cocktail; if you give me "it's too boozy" or "I can't finish this," I will pluck it from your hand and drink it myself.

Freshly watered begonias on the deck.

You might ask yourself how she does it (being stunningly naive and incredibly jaded)

Most of the time I have no idea what my teenage daughter is saying, but I do appreciate that she uses thug as a verb.

It is 1994. I am wearing Ray Ban Baloramas and a bunch of woven leather bracelets. I did not know at the time that this would be the zenith of my cool.

the devil i know hides socks and occasionally trips people on roller skates but is otherwise fairly benign if you’d like me to introduce you

Horror movie idea: I share some words of encouragement

having sex is like riding a bicycle, knees ache, might fall off, lots of reflectors

*watching National Treasure for the 400th time Yup, still terrible.

At the end of the evening, the gentlemen would retire to the skeeting parlor, sinking into rich brown leather by a crackling fire and sipping Remy Martin neat while firing off the day’s most spectacular bangers

billionaires should be forced to fight to the death in the Sphere. winner is eaten by an orca

Some people gain weight in summer. Some people gain weight in winter. But if you try hard and you're not a quitter, you can gain weight year-round.

I love how Dracula says “good evening” all polite before he murders you

Nothing brings my family together quite like a weak WiFi signal.

You're only here, liking my skeets, because you dig a chick who pees a lil' when she sneezes.

I'm not like other girls. I'm absolutely unwavering in my belief that nothing bad could ever happen to anyone at Trader Joe's.

We were never meant to see anything from above so in that way we are all a secret message to outer space. If you don't believe me, take a technology to the top of a tree and look at yourself. I was a left turn at Albuquerque

Shadow boxing with the man I used to be.

I might not remember your name but I never forget a face, I’ll be like “oh hey nice to see you, person with a face”

My cat got into the booth with me while I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

Somebody asked me if I ever hold the door open for danger so I let the back window slam down on of course I do I just don't feel like it right now's fingers