Dairy Cow: What the hell is that noise? It never stops! Who is ringing that f*cking bell?!

She said, "Your skin is your biggest organ." I said with a wink, "Well, maybe YOUR skin is your biggest organ." Anyway, she's been in the ladies' room for like an hour and I'm starving.

I don't usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles, Tina, but you should know, my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

I'm not a liar. I have an English degree. I'm an unreliable narrator.

I love living on a cul-de-sac. It's so French. When I see Bobby on the other side of the cul-de-sac sitting on the edge of his front yard trampoline, cleaning his ears with his car keys, well, I feel like a citizen of the world.

I tell young men, "You're not ready to be in a relationship with a woman. You need practice. Get a cat."

THIS TIMELINE WAS NOT MEANT TO BE AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL, YOU ABSOLUTE BUFFOONS.

We just finished a year, do we really have to start a new one?

"Kites tied to the arms of the gesturing at everything!" I cry lightly as I leap to battle the air between the roof and the sideyard

Even though she says she doesn't mind, it's always a bit embarrassing when your partner walks in when you're in a bathtub full of refried beans

Why are stupid people also the loudest

Maybe think of me whenever you see an asterisk.

doctor: do you wake at night to pee? me: what's the alternative?

When I look at my kids, I think, enjoy your eyebrows.

I don't want to walk down YOUR memory lane; I want to walk down MY memory lane. Yours is boring. My god, how did you stand it?

It's 2026 and I am still writing checks.

Math is easy; aftermath is hard

deleting linkedin seems like a solid way to let old acquaintance be forgot

We've attacked Venezuela and we're, "going to run it." Trump admits out loud we're doing it for the benefit of the oil companies. The Devil is in our Whitehouse while Congress and the Supreme Court sit on their hands with their thumbs up their asses. We are so screwed.

----- : "N-I-G-H-T? Brother, you couldn't find a worse way to spell that word." Sir Galahad: "Thy challenge is accepted sir."

Billy. You're 70. Accept it. Lean into it. This is... uncomfortable.

It's peculiar that we are so protective of our personal contact information (rightfully so) but for most of my life, every year, a big, fat, free book got dropped on our doorsteps with everyone's name, address and phone number in it.

Anything can be a pet. A squirrel, a dung beetle, moss. The key is, they can't get away.

I thought I invented something. My girl asked for some kind of mixed drink so I took what I could find, mixed it together and gave it to her. "Mmm. This is great! What's in it?" Proud of myself, "Vodka, ginger ale and lime..." Before I finished saying, "lime," my old brain caught up.

----- : "N-I-G-H-T? Brother, you couldn't find a worse way to spell that word." Sir Galahad: "Thy challenge is accepted sir."

It's peculiar that we are so protective of our personal contact information (rightfully so) but for most of my life, every year, a big, fat, free book got dropped on our doorsteps with everyone's name, address and phone number in it.

I’m not trapped here, I made this prison.

WELL MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU SHOULDN’T DESCRIBE YOUR BABY AS “BOUNCY” THEN?

It seems like part of being a print model is pulling on your jacket collar like it’s bothering you while you look up to see if the old garage gutter is dripping muck again.

a business trip is a type of hero's journey that confers marriott bonvoy status

Billy. You're 70. Accept it. Lean into it. This is... uncomfortable.

Hang on I gotta put a fake tree in the basement until November

In the summer, I planted lettuce and cabbage for the bunnies. They didn’t eat it, but it grew huge and when the fall arrived, I just left it. Then the snow fell and covered it. And guess who’s interested now? Little bunny tracks leading all up to it and scraps of lettuce in the yard. I am a grocer.

At my funeral I want everyone to blame themselves, scream "Why, WHYYYYYYY?!" and fight each other trying to climb into the coffin with me.

Take all the fun out of it why don't you...

Everyone knows me around the office. "Working hard or hardly working?!" I always say. Hah! LOL. they hate me

i just made this amazing dish: meatballs & spaghetti it’s exactly like spaghetti & meatballs but it’s meatballs & spaghetti !

A went to college with someone who is now a law professor and immigration lawyer. We weren't friends but we have a mutual friend. The mutual friend was telling me the lawyer was on the phone with a client, a Somalian immigrant who was in his car.

You should be able to rev your shopping cart at people in the grocery store

I’m still mourning the loss of President Garfield. This country was robbed of a good man cut down in the flower of his manhood.

New Year's resolutions don't have to be about socially acceptable change. Break the mould: resolve to become a troll, or to gain 10kg at the doughnut shop.

Hulk smash. The Thing clobbers. I think I’m up to speed, MCU.

Come my children, stare down my gullet to the very center of me, a world of wonder, an ocean of acid.

Song playing in the next room is either about Count Dracula or Scott Bakula.

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”? Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer.

Grandmother’s keen grasp of mise-en-scène elevated her otherwise pedestrian clishmaclaver into marginally engaging mishegoss.

Hey, it isn't anything a little salt, pepper and garlic can't fix.

Very touched to receive my insurance company's best New Year's wishes in their corporate email spam blast

Last night's cocoon did wonders for my feeling safe but my new beauty emerge stage can't feather its hair for shit